I Am Ready for Another Baby, but My Husband Isn't

Dear J.,

You have the right attitude and a loving marriage. Enjoy the little one you have now. I think you will have your second baby in the next two years. Respecting your husbands wishes in this matter is the right thing to do. Also don't think because you don't bring income into your home, that you don't have a full time job. A stay at home Mom works just as hard as anyone else (if not harder in some cases)and longer hours in most cases. The home environment that you create for your family is a job you should be very proud of.

Hi J.,

Just because you don't bring money into the family, doesn't mean that you aren't working full-time!!!(AND OVERTIME!~ :) ) Being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest and most rewarding job in the world. Give yourself credit for what you bring to the table in your home. You are an equal partner in your household and without you staying with your child,things wouldn't run as smoothly as they do! You definitely have a say in the decision of when it is right to have another baby. Have a talk with your husband and explain to him just how important this is to you. See what he says-- maybe he is just blaming the financial situation because he is fearful of having another baby and how it will change your family life/marriage. See what his true reasoning is on why he wants to wait-- you are right about if people waited for the right financial situation to come around, they wouldn't have kids. Children are such a blessing and so I would just encourage you to talk to your husband and tell him your true feelings--see if you can come to a better compromise.

Take care and good luck to you!

Molly

Dear J.,
My philosophy on marriage says that the "no" always wins. Of course you want another child, as it sounds like he does as well, it's the question of timing. Making sure a parent is ready for another child is super important for the bonding and security of the new baby. I'm guessing that when the housing crisis stabilizes a bit, he may be a lot more enthusiastic about another kiddo.
Best Wishes,
D.

It sounds like you have already talked to your husband and maybe worked something out but I wanted to add my 2 cents. I saw a lot of women in the responses who weren't ready and their husbands were. I was in your position too. A lot, like they said was timing, he'd be ready but I wasn't, then I'd be ready and he wasn't but what I found was hard was that we had always talked about wanting a big family and as far as I was concerned that was what we were going to do. I thought we were on the same page but suddenly after our second he decided we were done. I felt really hurt because, while we both should have a say in it, I felt cheated that I didn't get my say. Plus, when you know you are having your last child you prepare yourself for it mentally so to all of a sudden have someone else decide you are done is hard. Anyway- it sounds like your husband hasn't made that decision but I can relate to what you are feeling. Time does change things though- we ended up having one more and while I honestly would have gone for 4 I am at peace with it. I bet you'll be able to work it out too.

I was in the same place as Love. I was finally ready last year and am now pregnant with our 2nd. I really appreciated my husbands understanding that I was not ready and when I was I told him. I was not stressed with the money but the time for my daughter to grow into a loving person. And when it comes time for college we wont be double hit.

Hi J.,
I have the exact opposite problem. My hubby wants another one right now but I'm not ready. I feel lucky that while he doesn't agree with me, he respects my feelings and is willing to wait.

Being the sole provider for a family is very stressful and I can understand your husband's concern for your income flow. My dad and brother are both real estate appraisers and have seen a dramatic drop in business lately which is just the beginning. We own a property preservation business which handles securing and cleaning foreclosed homes for banks. Our business is getting busier and busier. We have been told it is going to get much worse very soon as California State workers are going to be getting laid off. As a mortgage broker, your husband has to be worried how this market is going to affect his business and your financial situation.

Have you sat down with your husband and told him how you feel? Have you sat down and really listened to how he feels without thinking about your feelings? My husband and I are VERY different people and I have learned (through marriage counselling) to be flexible. I'm a planner and he is a fly by the seat of his pants person. One way we compromise is to make plans but re-evaluate them all the time. Is your husband saying you will NEVER have another baby or is he asking you to be patient and give it time? I would write down all your feelings in a journal before talking with him to help you communicate your feelings effectively. This is an exercise our counselor had us do and I found it to be helpful.

Please try to put yourself in your husband's shoes, I think it is easier for women to do this, and enjoy your daughter. I think your husband will change his mind when he feels a little more in control of your financial future.

My thoughts are with you!
L.

Wow J., this one isn't easy. It's great that you respect your husband's wishes, you are a team after all.

Money should not be the motivator for having children. It's NEVER the right time financially. It seems like he might be afraid of being a failure as a provider. Make sure to praise him for all that he has done and is doing (especially with such a difficult market right now) and be his number one supporter.

I think you need to consider if there are any other issues there too. Try to find out what the real issue is and maybe you can find someone to help you through it.

At least you are still young. :-) Something tells me the timing will turn out to be perfect for you both.

Hi J.,
My heart goes out to you. A few years ago, I was in your husband's place. We had one daughter and I was absolutely not ready for another child. My husband has always had a hard time taking no for an answer (about anything) and badgered me non-stop until finally I reluctantly agreed to have another.

Now, I love my younger daughter more than life itself, and wouldn't trade her for anything. But let me tell you, I wish I'd stuck up for myself and had decided against getting pregnant.

Anyhow, for the sake of your marriage, I would really urge you to talk it out with your husband, and take him seriously in his concerns. He might just really not be ready, and you don't want to have a baby in a situation where both parents aren't 100% sure they're up for it.

I wish you the best and I hope you can come to some kind of compromise with your husband on this!

I have five kids ranging in age from 2 to 18. I never had a timeline in mind and it kind of just happened that way. But with the last, it took me a long time to decide, then the voice in my head finally said "DONT WAIT!". The last took the longest to conceive (6 months vs. 1-2 months), and I was 40 when she was born. You are every bit as vital to your family as the breadwinner. Your being home makes it possible for your husband to be as successful as he is, your support is invaluable. Spend some time assuring your husband of his value to you, date nights etc. Pregnancy is taxing in lots of ways on everyone in the family. I once heard Dr.Laura say that if both aren't in agreement, you're not ready to have another. Hope some of this helps!
K

I think we have all been here one time or another. Timing when are any of us completely ready? My husband and I got married he wanted kids right away, I really wanted to wait so we were married a little over a yr before we started trying, now our daughter will be 3 in May and I am 28.5 and ready for the second. We went through the timing again, he wanted the kids close together and wanted me to have another a year ago, yeah right I have to work, dont have family help and wanted some sanity. she is almost 3 and now Im ready this summer since we got some bills paid off but other things happened that new bills came. So it will work out, and just talk about the pro's, con's wants and needs for your family. good Luck
T.