Expanding Our Family

22? HE is still just a child. I am suprised he wanted the first baby... Give him more time, few years I would suggest ;-)

I'm sorry that the post before mine had to be so rude. This is suppose to be a supportive website not one that makes us moms feel worse! Good luck.

There could be a lot of issues on your husband's mind right now. With the economy falling apart, he might be concerned about the financial impact of another child. He might just be stressed about all the issues you are both taking on with your degrees and another baby. He might just need a little time right now. Since you are both so young and you don't have any biological clock issues, give him some time.

My hubby and I were very content with one child for a long time. Then, he changed his mind. I agreed, and we have two now, but he still wants more. He's out of luck because I am done. It's a tough issue to find a compromise for: you can't have half a baby, you know? Give him time. Look at the turn around my husband has undergone: I think he wants a whole pit crew now, but he isn't getting more than a driver and the crew chief.

I think a good rule of thumb is that both parents have to completely agree to have a child. It must be nice to have grown up with five siblings, but I think your husband's feelings are more important. Did you discuss having more than one child before getting married? I would not take of chance of him getting excited once you're pregnant again. Please do not put this second child in this position. The solidarity and trust in your marriage is more important than your needs.

Hi. I have to agree with the other poster that you are still very young. Maybe your husband is scared right now. The economy is pretty bad right now, and things will get harder with 2 kids. At 3 your child is getting self sufficient, you are probably sleeping thru the night now, and you don't have to buy extra baby food, maybe even diapers aren't a consideration for you anymore. Times are tight, and husbands feel an enormous pressure to provide for the family. He may be worried that if you adda nother child right now, he won't be able to. Talk to him, but don't pressure him. You may want your kids closer in age, and I understand that. My girls are 3 years apart. My husband didn't think he wanted another one too, and then we ended up pregnant. NOw, both of the girls are the light of his life. But he is scared too sometimes, as am I. We pay a lot of money a month on daycare and pre-school. We have a house payment, and diapers to buy. It is a struggle. SO, maybe you can give it some time, let him feel more established, and finish your degrees. It isn't bad having more time between kids. My sister and I are 7 years apart, and we are best friends now.

Don't think that "once we are pregnant he'll come around". You BOTH must be on the same page. If he isn't, then he isn't. Maybe he'll change his mind, maybe he won't. You both are still so young, get your degrees, enjoy your son a bit more and then re-visit the topic later. No rush for you!

Best wishes whatever the both of you decide,
M.

An additional child has to be something that you both want. I would ask him why he has changed his mind. My son is 13 months old and life is just starting to get back to "normal" at our house. I can see where a man would not want to disrupt what seems to be running perfectly fine. Sit down and talk with him about this. You do not want to do something without the consent of your partner. You might want to remind him how important it has been for you to have your sibliings and he to have his. And that having another baby will allow your son to have a sibling. You are both still young enough that you have plenty of time. With finishing your degrees this summer and maybe getting new jobs, I would wait and see what news things come. Also, it may just happen for you 2. SInce it happened once and has been so great I think that with some time he will come around! :)

When it comes to having more children, this isn't something you "compromise" on. If both partners are not on board, then the one who doesn't want them wins. Sorry. I know this isn't what you were hoping to hear. But having a child is a huge commitment -- an incredible investment of time, energy, and family resources. If one of you isn't up to giving it, then moving forward with the plan anyway is just asking for trouble. The best case scenario is that he comes around after the child is born. The worst case scenario is that he doesn't -- and that he gets resentful, and then you get resentful, and that it drives a wedge between the two of you and strains your marriage. You already have a child together who deserves a stable, two-parent family upbringing. Don't do anything that might put that family in jeopardy. Remember, once you have children, your "wants" go out the window. We have to act in the best interest of our children... period.

You can't compromise when it comes to children. It's not like deciding where to go out for dinner, everyone needs to be happy with the decision or the child will suffer. Your husband is likely to have resentment towards you and the new child. THat's not a good risk.

I think that if you tell him you want four children, he will think two is a compromise. Sadly, you should have discussed this before getting married and bringing a child into the world because you will feel unfulfilled if you truly want more children and the marriage may not work. Good luck!

You two are still really young. I know you have a three year old and probably want them close in age, but give it time. My hubby at 22, we had just gotten married, and he didn't really want kids. Now he wants three, but he is 32, and I am the one who isn't sure (we have a four year old girl, and I am ok with 1). You've got a while, he may just feel anxiety about supporting more kids, and that is understandable. Work together, because you have plenty of time to get on the same page. Tricking him, or getting pregnant could be bad if he doesn't want it right now. I have a friend right now, who is pregnant and on her own, she didn't trick her hubby, but not listening to his wants could drive a wedge. Give it time, and he may soften to the idea.

Like others have already mentioned you guys have a lot on your plates right now...and there might not be a compromise.

But what I would do to see if a compromise is possible, is to get to root of why he doesn't want another child and why you do.

For my hubby, he always wanted children, but he had a few things to think about when we unexpectedly got preggo with #2. For him the most worrisome thing was finances...Would we be able to afford sending two kids to college and retire? Would we be able to afford formula and diapers for another 2-3 years along with sending our son to preschool? Another thought in his mind was would he have enough time and energy to share with another child since it already seemed to him that he didn't get enough time with our son.

Could be that if you wait a few more years until you are both of out school and are in a better financial situation (more stable, some money saved up), he would feel more comfortable having more children.

Trust me, I was ready to have another child way before my hubby was...and I am the one who stays at home and cares for them while he is at the office working. I was ready when my son turned 1 to start the adoption process again (our son is adopted). It took another 6 months of me talking to my hubby and praying about it, for us BOTH to be ready to move forward. Then the next month we found that I was surprisingly pregnant (we were told 3 years earlier that I had a slim to nil chance of getting preggo naturally or even with in vitro).

So continue telling, but not nagging, your hubby about how you feel. Be honest. And ask him why he doesn't want another child. Is it that he doesn't want another child RIGHT NOW, or ever? Does he just want to be more financially settled, be done with school, or have other goals that he wants to complete either individually or goals that he wants you as a family to complete first?

Good Luck!

I can understand your husband's reluctance. Just viewing what's going on with how our economy and national news have affected many families, I feel your husband would like the both of you to complete your degrees 1st before there is another baby to consider. You know as heads of the home, men need to make sure all is secure before going ahead and these shakey economical times could make anyone uneasy. A baby is indeed a blessing to any home, but if all are not fully prepared and ready, other issues may occur. Perhaps once the completion of degrees are not an issue you can give each other a graduation gift of another baby. Good luck with your degrees and expanding your family. Aloha!

Hi, J.,

Congratulations on getting your degrees! That's not easy to do as a parent.

I'm not going to tell you what to do as this is a personal decision. I'll just share with you my experience.

Due to infertility problems and not being able to meet a man who was willing to have kids with me until I was almost 40, I was extremely grateful to bear my first child, who for six months I was certain would be my only child. Before experiencing fertility problems, I had always imagined have two kids. However, after having my first child, I was so relieved that I could have ANY, that I was quite content. Then, to my amazement, I naturally became pregnant and bore my second child (second son). I actually had mixed feelings about my second pregnancy throughout my pregnancy. My husband and I were happy to have a second in that a second provided our first with a sibling, but life is harder now, financially, mentally, physically. If my husband had not wanted to have a second, I would have tried not to have a second as I would rather not create deep, life-long resentment.

Based on my experience being pregnant, I'm not sure that your husband will become happy once you are pregnant again. Since time is on your side, are you OK with waiting a few years? If you feel as though you cannot resolve this issue and you have not yet tried it, counseling for you or both you and your husband might help.

Good luck,
Lynne E

Dear J.,

You have to respect his feelings about this.

I have been in a similar situation. Since my son was 1 one year old, I wanted one more child. My husband wasn't ready until our son turned 8 :-) But looking back, I am glad we did not have our 2nd one 'till now :-)

I wish you luck and happiness!

im 22 and my hubby is 25. i was the third of six children and he was the oldest of two boys. but it was him that wanted lots of kids and i only wanted two, maximum four. but now that we have three i dont even know if i want another one!! anyway, i told my hubby, after he said that we could end up having twenty kids because of how young we were when we started, that i would never want that many kids. obviously he was joking about having that many, but he still gets kinda jealous when he hears stories of people with more than 10 kids! anyway, my point is we have discussed it over and over and over and i know that it will never stop being a discussion topic for us!

this is, however, a very important topic in marriage. im thinking it may be because your hubby so young he might be scared still, of having more kids. so maybe show him that having more kids is not a bad thing (maybe babysit for someone to see how multiple kids are)
hopefully if you tell him how important it is for you to have more than one child he will think it over and eventually be okay with it. it seems a lot of this problem (and most others in marriage) is just communication.

sometimes i think that the reason my hubby wanted more kids was because im mostly a stay at home mom so he doesnt really have to do much, but go to school/work and come home and play with them. which i resent at the moment, but when im in school i miss them so much.

also i wanted to give you props for staying in school! my hubby is getting his phd in math in a couple years, he practically has his masters already. i do go to school as well. im just taking a break at the moment due to my third babies birth in february. im going for my BA in film production and hopefully a minor in theater (or maybe even a double major?!)
what are you guys studying and where?

sorry im blabbering on about so much!!

hope some of this can help you!

After I read your ages, I think "no wonder he doesn't want another one yet". You're so young, but guys mature even slower (as I'm sure you know), so I'm sure he's just in a mode where he's got more than he can handle already! My suggestion w/b to wait just a bit longer, to give him "his way" for a while (a year or two?) and then try again. That way you both are getting your way. Also, in the mean time, give him (and look up) some facts about first-and-only children. There are so many benefits to that child, to have a sibling, and you know, it really isn't that much different as far as day-to-day living. You know what's really fun, is watching to two kids develop and have a relationship together. It's just to best, and it makes them both so happy (I guess I don't need to tell you that!). But print out something so it's not just you telling him, but let him know you're willing to wait a bit til he's more settled about it. That's my advice, and I hope it helps. Enjoy your little boy!
M.

You have LOTS of time to have another child and you have to finish school, so what is the big hurry? Take your time and get your education and career settled before having another child.

The "no" always wins.

It is much easier in the long run to have 2 kids. They play with each other, and get to experience life together. There is less pressure for the one child to perform and have his parents hyperinvolved in his life (which is the case for every grown single child I know).
I have two kids age 5 and 3. You will never regret it.

That said you are very young and there is no rush. The only thing is that the longer you wait the less likely they will be friends growing up will be. I'm 9 yrs older than my brother and we have never been able to be close.

As long as its just the economy (which wil lchange) and not something deeper like in your relationship he is scared of than I think your good to go!

I think that your husband is honestly telling you that he doesn't want another child and you just aren't listening.

I appreciate your feelings on this. Having one child is not a bad thing. I just really think you both have to agree.

Hi J.,

Adding more children is always a big decision. There's nothing wrong with having a one-child family. I think both you and your husband have to want a second baby. You don't want your husband to resent you or the new baby in the future.

You and your husband could always go see a family therapist to discuss whether or not to have more children. I think it helps to have a neutral party assist in big decisions like these. Sometimes people feel more comfortable saying things to their spouse in the safety of a therapist's office.

I agree with some of the other moms--you and your husband are young. You have 10-plus child-bearing years left, so you have the time to think about this decision.

Ultimately you and he have to make the right decision for your own family--which may be different than the expectations of your parents, friends, or even your own childhood experience. Whatever you decide will be the right decision.

Good luck to you!
D.

You both are still young and are accomplishing so much. I know you may want the kids closer in age, but get your schooling done, careers were you want them and then have another one. This economy right now isn't helping things either. You both sound very bright and goal oriented, talk to your husband and ask about when you are settled then start trying. I think you both will be happy about just waiting a little bit longer. Congratulations to you both on almost finishing your degrees and Good Luck !!!

You both are very young, and I know you probably hate when People point that out, I know my daughter does. let yur husband get used to this, don't push, my God he is only 22, he is still growing up, let him find his way and feel comfortabel that he can provide for HIS family, he needs that to feel comfortabel to add to what is already on his plate. You have plenty of time.

In this economy? You are both young. I wouldn't be so brave just yet.

J.,

I know all to well how you feel. We have been given 3 gifts from God. I call them that because even though I wanted them badly. My spouse didn't. They were gifts, 5 years apart, not planned. After my 3rd a son, my spouse said no more, get your tubes tied or no more sex/intimacy. Of course he wouldn't get himself fixed because that was my argument. I still recient him for that to this day. I prayed that I would be one of those that still got pregnant. Hasn't happened. I love him, but I hate him for making me make that decision. I know he loves our kids. But I try to think of things from a mans point of view, Kids cost alot, and take alot of time away from them. I'm truely blessed to have the 3 I have. I have given up on the Lord giving me the last one even though I still ache for one daily. Us women think with our hearts and men think of the money that each child will need, and wonder if they aren't healthy, that's additional expense, can I make enough money to give them everything they'll need.

I'm not saying to let this go, but maybe if you talked to your spouse about his reasons for not wanting anymore, then you will know better how to sooth his concerns, and he might be willing to compromise in one more. You are a very young family, so he might be thinking of how to make enough money to suport you, without living with mom & dad. Poor out your heart to him, and tell him your reasons for wanting more. God somehow makes it work, our money is tight but we both work and somehow we manage. J.

I don't believe you can compromise on this. There are so many factors to consider when having a child. If you are finishing your degrees, then you may have student loans to repay, etc. You need to be totally secure financially before considering another child. You say that your husband was "going along with it" and you mention repeatedly that you want another child. You can't force your husband to want another child if he doesn't. He will likely resent you if you have another child and he doesn't wish to. I would give it some more time and become totally stable financially then after a few years, bring up the discussion again and see how he feels. Meanwhile, focus your energy on your new marriage and your three year old. Both your husband and your child are worth your focus. Many people say the first years of a marriage are harder than later years. Focus on the family you already have and be grateful for them. Best of luck.

Wait until you both finish your degrees. You husband may be worried about the economy. You are both young. Don't be afraid to wait a bit longer.

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but it sounds like you already have some wonderful things going on in your life and you are still very young in terms of child bearing years. I would suggest that rather than push the issue, wait and see how things evolve in the next couple years. Once you both graduate and one or both of you move into your careers, you might find that your perspectives on family expansion begin to change. Lucky for you, you aren't up against the biological clock and can have some patience in this area. You may find that your perspective or your husband's changes as time progresses. So, I guess all of that to say I wouldn't force the issue with your husband right now. If you decide to add to the family, you want to be sure that you are both fully on board. It may be that he is looking at it from a man's point of view, which I often find is different than ours, in that he's concerned about providing for a larger family. As his career begins to see more success, he may become more comfortable with that prospect.

Best of luck to you as you continue forward in the journey of parenthood. It is such a blessing, no matter how few or many you have!

Hi J.,
You are only 22 and 24?? You have a looooong time to have more babies. Quite frankly, this is no one's business besides your's and your husband's. Good luck and congratulations on your wonderful son!