Husband Won't Take Care of Health Problems

Most women can understand needing to vent! That is a good sign that you are taking care of you - which is very important. My husband has a few "issues" too. I take an anti-stress supplement when he is having a bad day so that I don't loose it. I can tell you about it if you want.

For him, would he take a supplement if it would help him?

S.
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Chronic pain can weaken the strongest of people. Im sure his pain is real, I cannot imagine the surgeries he has been through without residual pain. Pain meds are a necessary evil for some people, they allow them to get through life, but with costly health side effects. Depression often follows recurring medical issues, and bowel troubles tend to be a major sign of depression. However, heavy pain meds to terrible things to BM regularity. Weight gain tends to go hand in hand with depression, and Obstructive Sleep Apnea soon follows....which affects his heart. It is a vicious cycle that he is in and he DOES need to change it, but frankly, he probably just doesn't want to deal with it. I think the most productive thing you can do for him is research. Lovingly show him the information you find in a genuine attempt to help him, not a 'see, Im right' format. Remind him that you were married 'in sickness and in health' and you intend to make sure he is around to fulfill those vows! Most of all, you can pray for him...God does listen!

~L.

Hi N.,
First let me say that I feel for you and understand how you feel about your husband and not taking care of himself. But I also understand how he feels. I am 25 with a simular problem, but not as bad. I haven't need surgery nor do I need to take meds right now, but am monitered carefuly by my docs. My problem came 2 years ago after giving birth to twins, it was to much for my heart. I was born with a heart murmor and I learned how to deal with it as a child and what I could and couldn't do. The same as I have with my heart valve problem. I hate to say it, but your husband is only 32 and having heart problems make you feel so much older then you really are. I am sure that he is just trying to hang on to his youth by still drinking Mt. Duw and thinking that he can do anything. (My husband is the sameway, trying to hang on to that youth by doing dumb things.) Maybe if you sat down and talked with him and told him you understand that he's not 80, but needs to keep in mind that you have kids and he needs to be around he may respond better. I know if I didn't have kids I wouldn't be so careful with my problem because it does make you feel old.
Good luck, I'm sure everything will work out :o)

I have learned that the only person I can change is myself. So I always start with me when I am looking at a situation.

I would sit down with him and tell him how it makes you feel... not placing blame but telling him that when he drinks mountain dew or doesn't take care of himself it feels like he is choosing to die rather than be with you and your family.

If he is choosing to die young I would ask him to have his life insurance raised so that you and the kids will be well provided for, it would be hard to be a full time Attorney and raise two children alone.

If talking isn't working try writting a letter. Asking to be taken care of isn't a bad thing.

N.,
It sounds like hubby's having a pity party. I can understand. When it rains it pours and he may be feeling helpless. Like the physical problems are becoming too big to know how to handle. And in the face of that, maybe he feels that if the deck is stacked against him why even bother giving up the Dew (I have issues with it around here too so you're not alone. Be happy he isn't drinking a diet drink!) or do the things he's supposed to. Let me tell you something. My dad had congestive heart failure for years, pacemaker, defibrilator, the works. He knew his remaining years were limited. But he went and put in some time at the spa/gym when he could still drive. And he went bike riding. All those little things helped him beat the odds. His doctors were amazed. We lost him in '05 but the last few years were beyond the doctors' expectations.
Maybe it's time for some shock therapy. Sit him down and talk grisly. Go over his will, ins. stuff, assets, cremation or burial, etc. Or maybe just suggesting your family go on welfare will jump start him. And if he starts with the I can provide angle, remind him that it won't happen at this rate if he won't help prolong his chances. Talk about getting more health ins to pay for every screw up he inflicts on himself. I know it sounds harsh and drastic, but he's putting you in stress mode and that's unfair. Ask him if he's quit caring for you and the kids, because his lousy attitude and habits suggest he doesn't. Anything to snap him out of it and shape up. Go with him to the gym. It's good for everyone who can stand and walk!

N., I sympathize with you, having a stubborn hubby myself; I’ve learned that you just have to back off. I know, I know, that’s “easier said than done” and “if you don’t stay on top of it, who will?”. I was in the same boat when my usually intelligent husband decided that his own health issues were “no big deal” and he “had them under control”. It took everything I have, physically to just back off (trust me, to an OCD gal, this is TOUGH), but I did it. I just stopped talking about it, stopped trying to get him to eat healthy, stopped trying to get him to the gym, and stopped trying to change him. After a few months of not hearing any “complaining about his health/ or lack of”, he started to make changes on his own. I think the secret is he needs to feel like it was his idea, his decision to take charge. Now we’re all eating better, he works out in our home gym nightly and he’s doing so much better.
This is just advice, and I by no means profess to have all the answers, I’m only telling you what worked for me. Weather this works for you or not, feel free to “Vent”, anytime. Good Luck! ~D

My husband is the same and I am not young. I am 58. Husband is 60. He is on disability with 8 stents in his heart. He has PTSD from Vietnam and this war now is bringing it all back. Does he take care of himself? No. He eats what he is not supposed to. Says it's his nerves, so I tell him he has nerve pills for that. He says he doesn't want to take those. I get the brunt end of his anger 24/7, so be thankful you don't have that to deal with. I think men are all alike, just big babies and there isn't much a woman can do except take care of yourself and just let them hang themselves as they eventually will. Nagging does no good. It is always my fault for everything that happens to him anyway. I work full-time and am active in an association that is dear to my heart, so hang in there and thank you for letting me vent!

D. H.

Hi N.,

I am certified nutrition consultant, and nutritional specialist. If you or your husband would be interested in a consulation, please let me know. I am based out of Zeeland, MI.

Thanks,
A.

There is only so much you can do. He is a grown man and is going to do what he wants. Maybe if you start "planning" for his death he'll realize there's a problem. Start making a memory book for the kids if you haven't all ready. Journal about the fun things you do as a family. Basically make him realize you think he's going to die before the kids are adults and that you want them to remember him. He might then realize his health is really important and start taking better care of his body and heart. Good luck, and I hope yo have many more years with your husband!

I wish I had ideas for you but unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do. He is an adult, a stubborn one, but still an adult. My husband is the same way (he doesn't have your husbands health problems, but he does have high cholesterol and who knows what else..he's not that healthy). The only way I can even get my husband to the dr. is to make the appointment myself. It's sad that your husband isn't taking his health seriously. How does he handle you talking to him about it? Does he get angry? Does he consider you to be a nag about it? That's another issue..you don't want to cause problems in your marriage because he is being stubborn. I don't know...it's tough. I wish you luck!!!!

N.,
I know this is frustrating to you to say the least, but your husband has to make his own decision to take care of himself. Maybe he's used to having the attention of medical care and looking for more sympathy?
The sleep apnea is a very dangerous condition. The air machines are very cumbersome to sleep with and many people end up not using it. I've had 2 aquaintences recently that have died in their sleep from this and they didn't have any other medical problems. My one BIG suggestion on this matter is that if he doesn't like the air machine, to go to a dentist in Williamston that works with sleep apnea. Yes, I said dentist. His name is Robert Watts and he's done extensive research on apnea. There are other devices that your husband can wear that not cumbersome at all and this can save his life. Give the office a call - ###-###-####. Tell them R. Best referred you.

I have a husband with lots of issues as well, Hang in there and believe in the power of prayer. Sometimes I pray for him and I pray for patience and sympathy. I believe in the Serenity Prayer.

oh man...if you find a way to get your husband to listen to you (when you are TOTALLY RIGHT) could you give me the secret?!
LOL

It sounds like it is time for an intervention of sorts. Is there a man in his life that he respects that you can talk to. Tell him what you have written here. Possibly if you have this kind of person in your corner he can get through to your husband what he is doing to himself and his family and hopefully do something about it. Also I like what Rachelle said about recording memories as if he has been given a time line of how much longer he has. May God grant him many more years to live well.

Well, N. I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband too was born with aortic stenois, and after 7 weeks of marriage, he had emergency heart surgery due to an aortic anerysym.(at 31) and he is now 36. After that for the first year any time he felt funny he was rushing to the ER. 99.9% of the time it was minor stuff that he could wait until the next morning and see his doctor. We too have the doctor bills and prescriptions. I too tell him all the time to exercise on a regular basis but he says I already walk so much for work and I don't have the time. Like yourself, I sometimes get to the point of being unsympatic and tired of hearing he doesn't feel good. It's nice to hear that someone else is going through the same thing as myself. He doesn't rush to the ER anymore, but we have gotten into arguments over it. I have two little boys, 4 and 2 1/2 and I tell him everyday how lucky he is that they are healthy and that he needs to take care of himself so he can watch them grow. I feel your pain! If you ever want to talk or meet for coffee. Let me know.

I hear your pain. I have a husband who at 35 had a full heart attack a year later some complications from the heart attack put him back into the hospital. I question whether he is really caring for himself properly. Too much work, not enough sleep, questionable diet. I too pay $100 per month in meds and he tends to forget appointments not pick up meds and just put ourselves needlessly at risk. He was told to fix his diet and start exercising and that has been hard. One thing I did was just stop buying irresponsible foods, no soda in my house I came up with juices and teas he liked, no crappy foods and I starting making some things that appealed to him like homemade breads and snack mixes to try to keep him filled up. I too work FT so a lot of this gets done on the weekend and frozen. Exercise has been a struggle but he does do the lawn mowing and likes to garden with me and I try to get the kids to motivate him to play outside with them instead of me nagging.

I think you also feel like you have three kids instead of two. I hear your pain on that...when things are at their worst I feel very alone and like I am doing everything bringing in the $$, making sure the kids aren't involved in the drama and making sure he is doing what he is sapose to do. I hope you have a network of friends who you can talk to, to vent....I know I do, you could seek counseling help for yourself to make sure you stay strong.

It likely won't get easier and I don't believe you can change someone else, so you need to look inward and work to care for yourself and then you will be strong enough to do the best by your children. There are ppl that love you and will help you. Good Luck.

Dear Nicold W.,

First of all pray and ask God what He would want you to do.

The way I see it is this: your husband is choosing to do absolutely nothing that he is being told by the doctors and perhaps he is scared that something inside is acting up but afraid of having open-heart surgery again because he knows they have to saw open the sternum again and he knows first hand what kind of pain that is. Maybe the only way you can wake him up is have a legal separation and move out with your kids. This would make him totally responsible for his own bills (I think. Most lawyers have a first-time visit free and you can ask these questions) and he would not get to see his kids as much without making arrangments with you. Perhaps he needs a shock like this to wake up and do the right thing.

Many years ago I was going to divorce my husband (even though I knew in my heart that I would not be any happier without him in my life and that God HATES divorce). My husband cried and I knew that I caused that and it hurt me to the core and I changed my mind about divorce. But my point is that sometimes it takes a shock to wake up a person to see what is actually going on.

Perhaps your husband is depressed and scared about dying and knows that he will need serious surgery again in the near future and hates the fact that he has no choice to go through with that kind of pain again or die. He needs to read his Bible and get closer to God to find out that this life is not about us, but about serving and living for the one true Almighty God who created the Universe.

I was talking to a lady at Sam's Club a couple of weeks ago about my husband's health problems and she told me that anybody who has heart problems should go to the Cleveland Clinic and they work miracles. They work out with your insurance how to get everything paid. She said that her sister drove from MI to the Cleveland Clinic and went to the ER and was admitted and they did her surgery a couple of days later and she is so much better now.

I belong to Remnant Fellowship Church. They offer Bible studies that teach you how to put yourself last and God first and then God works out all the little minor details that we call life. You can contact them at www.weighdown.com. It is not really about the food. The same principles that pertain to not over eating pertain to not being self-centered, not over talking, not over spending, etc. Your husband could learn how to lay down the Mountain Dew which sounds like one of his idols. Or you could get into it and he would want to change by seeing how your life changes as you learn how to turn it all over to God. The most powerful Bible study they now have available is called "The Treasure Series." All their Bible studies are more in depth and scripturally accurate than any I have ever taken in my Christian life. They make a payment plan that you can handle even if it takes a while because it is not about the money, but it is also a business and the class costs money to produce and maintain all the tools that go along with it.

I hope you will check into weighdown. It has changed my life for the better and I want to get closer to God to learn how to lay down all my idols and leave them dead for good.

L. C.

Your posting sounds very familiar. My hubby doesn't have a heart issue (but does have fatty liver disease). Weight is a huge factor in determining how this disease is going to progress in the future. My husband has sleep apnea and drinks mt. dew like there's no tomorrow.

I tried the talk and life insurance thing....it just didn't sink in with my husband. All great ideas if you have someone willing to change.

Here are a few things I did. I got the wagon out and we started going for a family walk in the evenings for about 30 to 45 minutes. It's better to do this before dinner if you have time. I don't know if you make his meals....I do for my hubby. So, after much research I started calculating the correct amount of calories and protein he should be consuming. So, far he's lost about 15 pounds and the sleep apnea is SO Much better. I still haven't got him to give up Mt. Dew, but it's more a treat once or twice a week. I guess, you have to pick and choose your battles. :)

Good Luck.....Drop me a line if you need any ideas or just need to vent again! ____@____.com

Take Care,
K.

Hello N., My heart breaks for you. This is a stressful time in your life. I must say though that you are venting your anger at your husband, and blaming him for his medical issues. He didn't ask to be born with this heart defect, not did he WANT to have 3 open heart surgeries.(Who would chose this for their lives?) Your anger at him is only going to make him defensive, more stressed, and raise his blood pressure more. The cronic pain alone can raise BP. So can lack of sleep. Instead, tell him that you are concerned that he will not be there for your children, and ask him to do these things for them. Get memberships at the Y (they have a great day care for members) and sceduale time to exersise with him. He want a wife that he can lean on, feel safe with, and trust. Without knowing it, you are setting your marriage up for failure, my nagging and venting your anger at him. It is not his fault. Instead, get angry at his illnesses. I have mixed connective tissue disease. For years I've had one health problem after another. My ex thought that I was just trying to get attention. He believed that it was all in my head. None of the symptoms seemed related at the time, but since I've been diagnosed(after 30 years of symtoms) I feel justified. The lack of sympathy will not give him any reason to want to take care of himself, because you are attacking HIM for something that he can't control. Yes, he could do some things different, but he needs support and love in order to feel like he is worth the effort. For the sake of your children, go get some therapy and work on your marriage. This will hurt them the most in the end! Think of them every time you start to speak to their father and ask yourself, will this make them proud of me later in their lives? What type of example am I setting for them to follow? Are they more important than the money going to medicine for the father that they love? What can I do today to make the father of my children feel loved and safe. Find a healther outlet for your anger, because it can't simply be errased, it needs to be vented. Just not at your husband. I pray that you find a way to keep your family together for the sake of those little ones. Try to enjoy each day with him as if it will be the last, and each morning that he is still alive thank God, and look for a way to be happy together. Life is too short, and we are all dying. Who knows when that could happen, accidents aren't in the day planner. Good luck.

I can sympathize with your situation... possibly more from your husbands perspective than your side after going through some significant health problems myself. I'm just going to level with you and be honest here, not try to spare your feelings so I hope you won't take offense because none is intended. First take a deep breath. You are in this for the long haul. This is the part of "in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer" that is the difficult part of marriage. I know it's difficult but you need to focus on cultivating your respect for your husband because in situations like these, it is very easy for resentment to build which can ruin your marriage from the inside out. Try to find something that you admire about him everyday and tell him. Second, caffeine is a substance which should not be removed quickly. He's going to have to wean himself off gradually. The best way to help him is to learn about the addictive nature of the foods that are his weaknesses and help provide subsitutes. Anything with high fructose corn syrup, trans fatty acids, (all hydrogenated and partially hydrogenated oils), sugar subsitutes like aspartame (etc.) and food additives like MSG (monosodium glutimate), nitrates, nitrites, etc. can cause nearly uncontrollable cravings that even will power has difficulty in surmounting. If you can find natural replacements for the foods he's craving, that will go a long way. For example, when I was weaning myself off of coffee, I used Green Tea which had some of the caffeine I needed but didn't have the bad side effects of the coffee. (It also has beneficial antioxidants in it that are good for your heart.) Perhaps you can put together a cold version using honey as a sweetener. When you break the cycle of the bad foods, soon you realize just how dependant you were on those things and it is very freeing not to need them anymore. Thirdly, exercise with him. Walking is very good for the heart. Find something he likes to do and do it with him. Try doing it even if he doesn't want to go with you at first. Exercise only as far as is comfortable for *him* so that he doesn't get discouraged with it. Then increase a little bit everyday.
Lastly, if your husband doesn't want to make changes to his daily habits, you can't force him no matter how much you want to and you shouldn't anyway. You need to realize that while you can encourage him to do the right thing for himself, if you start nagging him, he's going to shut down and stop listening. You are his wife- not his mother. If you start behaving like his mother, both of you will resent it. However, if you present your concerns in a loving, sincere way when you are "cooled off" of your frustration, it will go a long way towards helping him hear you. The last lastly, nothing feels worse to someone who has long term health problems than for their nearest loved one to not believe them. If you have doubts about whether his problems are legit, keep it to yourself and you'll do both of you a favor. Time will tell. When your husband gets tired of being sick, you will be there to support him every step of the way. Until then, you can save your marriage by cultivating respect for him even in these difficult circumstances.

Hi N.---I sympathize with you. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be when someone you love won't come to terms with his limitations and do what is necessary to optimize his health.

I have been very interested and studying wellness and disease prevention the past few years and I have collected a wealth of information that may be of help to you. It's all about educating your husband, as best you can. Unfortunately, until he is ready to make changes, it will be challenging, at best. Please contact me and I would be happy to share what I have with you. I have some great CD's and DVD's as well as articles and research summaries. In fact, my colleague's and I are sponsoring a cardiac rehabilitation specialist for a health education lecture on June 19. Let me know if you would like the flyer.

Good luck and let me know how I can help. In health, D.
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I agree with Rachelle's response, but I would take it a step further and tell him to wake up. It sounds like he's fallen into a rut and developed some very bad habits that are going to cost him everything--his wife, his kids, and his life. Does he realize how devastating it would be for you and the kids to lose him? Does he realize how selfish he is being not properly taking care of his condition? I don't blame you for being frustrated with him. You sound like you have your hands full with a full-time job and a family yet alone worrying about him. The least he can do to make things easier is to take care of himself. Taking care of him is not your responsibility. He's a grown man. All you can do is be supportive. If I were you, hopefully, you get alot of responses from the moms on this site--I would show him your request and the responses you get here. Maybe this will wake him up.

Wishing you the best,

MC

Dear N., I'm sorry that this is not going to sound like it's very helpful, but here it is anyway. My husband has heart disease, he has 5 stents in his arteries surrounding his heart, has had two heart attacks and is on statin drugs to control his cholesterol, blood pressure meds. along with blood thinners. He has other issues too and like your husband much could be changed for the better if he would make some lifestyle changes. He too will not quit drinking mountain dew, he won't eat vegatables, he won't quit smoking, he won't even think of adding fiber to his diet let alone giving up just a little red meat. I love him very much and I want him around as long as possible. We have been married 34 years and I don't know what I would do w/o him. These are decisions we cannot make for them, although we would love for it to be that easy they have to do it for themselves. It was such a hard lesson for me to learn. I wanted so much for him just to do it because the doctor said to, or that I could be his reason....but I'm not his reason although he loves me very much too, and he won't do anything just because a doctor tells him to. I pray for God to make me strong and to protect him, I pray that he will find his reason and do what's right for himself.I will always pray for my man, but I have come to accept the fact that this is something he has to want and do for himself. I still make suggestions but never push (because he just goes slower when I do). For my own sanity and piece of mind I have taken myself off the job of being responsible for his decisions and his health. My heart is with you. You and your family will be in my prayers.