Husband Jealous of Family Relationships

Has he been to a grief counselor at all? His sister died 2 years ago and mom is falling apart. He needs HELP, like ASAP. Yeah, it's not fair, but the man is beyond emotionally overwhelmed. He's griefstricken. He's not done grieving for his sister, and now he has to start grieving for his mother. I don't know if the hospital can provide some help for HIM, but it's worth looking into.

Rocky, your husband is probably very, very scared right now. He lost his sister to a very painful, debilitating disease and is now watching his mother begin to decline.

I'm not saying it's right that he lashed out at you, only that I think this is what's underneath all of that.

There's a good book by Pauline Boss called "Ambiguous Loss". This is what many adult children suffer when their loved ones decline and become a different person than who we are used to them being. Your husband may feel on the cusp of losing his mom, not physically, but *who she is to him*. Who he knew her to be.

It may feel so profoundly deep and personal for him, so sacred, he really doesn't want the discussion or speculation of others in regard to this moment. Can you accept that?

I think, also, hearing your description of his mom's hallucinations was too hard for him. He's likely barely wrapping his own head around the enormity of "what does this mean, now?" A three year old also cannot understand the explanation-- "Nana's not feeling good right now, so Daddy went to help" was all that was necessary.

He may also have been feeling that there isn't enough sanctity within your marriage of your stuff 'staying' your stuff. It's difficult for spouses when one or the other goes back to family and shares everything. Some things need to be kept private or discussed with a counselor, not reported back to our parents and siblings. My husband and I have very clear boundaries as to what is 'fair game' over phone calls ( Kiddo's progress, what we are doing with our lives professionally/volunteering, trips we take, etc.) and what we don't discuss with them (challenges in our marriage, small upsets or failures within our nuclear family). So, I don't know if you have been over-sharing previously, in his opinion, but he sounds like he isn't ready yet to have you discuss his mom with your family, so do be discreet and respectful.

I hope things work out. If it were me, I'd try to apologize in a quiet moment, offer some empathy, let him know that you were sorry that some things came out badly and that wasn't your intention. Then, try to go forward being pretty sensitive to the idea that this is his last vestige of his family of origin which is being taken from him. Seek counseling together if you think it will help. This will be a very hard time for him. I wish you much strength in the time to come.

I think you gave your child TMI and that may be why your husband reacted in such anger. Children see things that aren't there anyway (monsters, fantasy daydreams) so making it sound like insanity wasn't necessarily a helpful thing. You could say Grandma is sick and Daddy's taking her to the doctor, or even that Grandma's really confused which happens sometimes to very old people but Daddy's handling it. And stop there. Kids need to be protected from adult worries and responsibilities - this is not the age when you teach them to talk to you throughout their lives. Let them be kids and not saddled with adult worries.

Your husband lost his sister and is now worried about his mother - and he has to handle Mom alone because his sister is gone. His sister died from a long and lingering illness which caused her to lose her abilities in a steady decline, and now his mom is in a decline that could be equally long and stressful. He's feeling alone. And he's got you and kids and another baby on the way. He's carrying a lot. He may also be more of a private person and is worried that you will be telling other people that his mother is crazy. It might be over the top, but it's based in an understandable fear of scrutiny and criticism by others. He may also be concerned about what you are telling other people about HIM.

He needs some help - so I would find out what types of elder care services and respite care for the caregivers (your husband) are available. Maybe your mom and aunt can watch your kids so that you can go with him to the doctor's appointments regarding his mother. If your morning sickness is under control (or hopefully soon will be), then you can focus on his needs and not your own. The 2nd trimester of pregnancy is often the easiest - morning sickness often goes away and the heavy weight and fatigue haven't arrived yet. It's a good time for you to be there for him - he's feeling so alone.

Continue to use your mother and aunt for support but don't always let him see all of it. Right now, it accentuates his feelings of isolation.

I think that his reaction is due to the problems with his mom and his own worry. You and he need to sit down and talk about it and how to help each other through this tough time. I think kids need honest but simple truths. If your DH is worried that your son will spill Grandma's problems to your family, then keep it really really simple. But he may also be reacting to feeling like he has nobody left and for that he may want to see a counselor, especially if he has not processed his grief from his previous loss. I don't know if it would help but sometimes DH and I simply say, "I'm on your team." when one is stressed out.

There's probably nothing wrong with your family. Just that he's losing his.

Sorry but this one is a gimmie. He is stressed and hurt over his mom. Lot's going on, your pregnant and he maybe losing him mom also. Time for you to be a soft place for him.

You don't have to stop communicating with your family.
But you could be a bit more sensitive when discussing your MIL.
A 3 yr old doesn't need a lot of information and they repeat what they hear like little parrots.
If you just said 'Grandma's not feeling well. It sometimes happens when people get older and Daddy's going to take her to get some help' I don't think anyone would have become upset.
Maybe they know why she's seeing things and maybe not but your 3 yr old doesn't need all the details.
Now your 3 yr old will tell his sitters, friends, other parents, preschool teachers, etc that his grandma sees things that aren't there.
They are complete blabber mouths - they have no inner editor and they won't develop one for another 3 or 4 years.

Your husband IS stressed.
He's upset his Mom's sick and possibly afraid of losing her.
To lose a relative by them dying is bad enough but to lose them to dementia is a different kind of suffering.
Not only that but but there's an unspoken terror that maybe it's hereditary and they worry that the same thing might happen to them someday.
AND sometimes people fear that there's a stigma to have a relative that is losing their mind - so they don't want to broadcast it.
Instead of being sensitive to his feelings/fears, saying what you did made him feel even more isolated instead of conveying that you are there for him to help him feel not so alone.
If it's related to a certain kind of disease/condition, find out if there's a support group for it and offer to go with your husband to the meetings.

You're pregnant, not feeling well, have a toddler - you've got a lot on your plate.
I was certainly not the most sensitive person when it came to other peoples feelings when I went through certain stages of pregnancy.
I was a bit 'me' centered, and my brain was foggy from the hormones.
Nothing in life is 'fair' - I think you and your husband already know that.

So - take what he says with a grain of salt.
Tell him you're sorry and you can see that he's upset, and if he wants to talk you'll be happy to listen, let him vent and he can cry on your shoulder all he wants to.
When he's less upset you can tell him you'll be a little more circumspect when discussing family business with other family members but you're certainly not cutting anyone out of your life.

I can't tell from your post if your husband blew up this morning & made the comments about your familly, or if this has been an on-going communication from him to you.

If the first - then just take a deep breath & let it go. He is going through a lot emotionally, especially today as he leaves to care for his mom (sounds like the only family he has left, & she isn't 100% "there"). Additionally, you are going through a pregnancy & might have a different perception of his comments than you would have if you weren't going through so many changes.

But, if this is just a repeat of a pattern (more than a few months) then I would suggest approaching it with him. Be compassionate & understanding that he is going through a lot - losing a sister & now facing losing his mother, that's a lot to bear emotionally.

And men don't always get in touch with where they are emotionally & recognize how it affects them until they start lashing out. Find a time to talk when the emotion is not raw, and approach it from the perspective of knowing that he is going through a lot, & he has a right to feel the way he does, but you are asking that he express it in a way that doesn't hurt you in the process.

Because we can't make people change the way they feel, and right now, whether you like it or not, his feelings are that he is feeling the universe dealt him an unfair hand. He is losing his family, and whether you have one person you are close with or 20, he feels you have a better situation that he does.

By saying all this, I'm not "taking sides" & I don't want to minimize YOUR feelings about what's going on. Because they are just as valid. So don't fall into the trap of trying to point out who is right or wrong in the way they are communicating, feeling & expressing their feelings. Instead, acknowledge that he is going through something that is difficult for him, & he has some emotional turmoil. Let him know you are there for him, (& if it's true, that your family is as well) and ask him to help you by expressing his pain in a way that doesn't hurt you.

If he is open to it, you might want to suggest that he see a grief counselor. Someone that can help him recognize the emotions he is dealing with having lost his sister & facing losing his mom, & help him to validate his feelings & process them in a way that isn't toxic to him & his relationship with others. If his mother is in the hospital, there is usually someone there family members can meet with, also your local church clergy.

And really, the loss of his family members affects you as well, so if you are experiencing turmoil at the thought of how to deal with his mothers illness, or you need help understanding & communicating with your husband, don't be afraid to reach out to such a counselor on your own.

I will be praying that when your husband returns home you can both reconnect in a positive way, & move forward together. T.

I think the proper response to a 3 year old is "Grams isn't feeling well. A doctor is going to help her."
You could have been more sensitive with your answer.
He probably feels you were saying "Grams is crazy..."

My husband used to be critical of how much I'd tell my sister because he never had that type of bond with his sister (his only sibling). After we had our 2nd child I think he finally GOT what having a close family member was all about.

I do agree that your 3 yr old doesn't need to know the exact nature of his grandma's problems. At that age it is enough to say something like, "Well, grandma is getting older, and sometimes when we get old our bodies have some problems and we have to go to the doctor more to get help to feel better." The concept of halucinations is scary enough for a big kid, so I would soft-peddle around it with a 3 yr old.

It sounds like he's hurting and lashing out because he doesn't know how to deal with it. The guy lost his sister and now his mom is not well. How would you feel? Not right, but I can kind of relate because I really have hardly any family to speak of. I would agree that you gave too much detail to the 3 year old, also. A simple "Grandma is sick" would've sufficed because a child that age just doesn't "get" more than that.

I don't think he really meant what he said. Is it true, though? Do you possibly tell them too much? Some things are better kept personal. In any event, I think it would be good to open a dialog with him... not about his outburst but the pain behind it. This is a time when he really needs you. Men have a hard time admitting weakness or inability to cope and it's our job, to help them through.

He is hurting. Pain makes people lash out. You've said he's only been close to two people, one he lost recently and he is watching the other slowly fall apart. You've said it yourself, he's jealous.

I also think you shared a little too much with your little one, he's just a bit too young to be told about "hallucination". You didn't do anything "wrong", each parent parents differently. This is just my opinion.

I think you need to suggest grief counselling for your husband. He may benefit from it in light of his loses.

Good luck to you.

I agree that you may have been giving a 3yr old too much info but your hubby is off on the rest.

You know what, your husband's threshold for another personal loss, especially his mom is gone.

You are expecting and receiving special treatment.

Be extra sensitive with him. This 'to do' will pass, but it has the potential for tons of resentment.

Be calm and carry on.

i think that was too much detail for a 3 year old, as well. but obviously, hubby overreacted....all i can say is regroup, take a deep breath, realize he is in a terrible place right now. "I" would try to limit phone conversations with family, around him - of course you shouldn't "have" to do that but i would try to be sensitive to his feelings, that's all. give him a break. i think he could benefit from some counseling...but would he really go?

oh wow! what a distressing over-reaction on his part! and while you're pregnant too. i'm so sorry. i sure hope he at least kept the boys from hearing this. it would be very confusing and upsetting for them.
i do think he has a point in that you can't explain hallucinations well to a three year old. a simple 'grandma is getting old, and sometimes old people don't feel well and need some help from the doctor' is likely all that he wanted to know. three year olds aren't real big on medical details.
it sounds to me as if your husband is still grieving hard over his sister and struggling a lot with his mother's increasing frailty. while i'd be very unhappy about his unwarranted attack, i'd try to be sympathetic to the pain he's clearly still suffering.
has he been to bereavement counseling?
khairete
S.

You need to get your husband to a counselor, big time. Cut the cord with your family just because HE doesn't have family? Wow.

You should NOT have told your 3 year old that Grandma was seeing things that weren't there. Don't do that again. That is not something you tell little kids. He could end up with nightmares and think that HE'S seeing things that aren't there. Use more discretion, mom. But do NOT let this man have his way about not being with your family.

If you don't get him into counseling, he's going to start scaring you and your children, I am afraid. He could also go off the deep end with grief over his mom.

Please get him to counseling. I think that grief counseling is actually appropriate. I doubt that he has recovered from his sister's death, and he knows he is facing his mom's death. Wishing YOUR family away is not an appropriate response to death in his family, and he needs help. Your little family needs help. Make him get it.

1. You had to tell your son SOMETHING. He recognized that Grandma wasn't behaving normally. When things aren't normal, we have to explain a "why" to our kids, especially little ones. A simple "Grandma is very old and sometimes when people get very old, they see and hear things that aren't there, or can't remember things. But she still loves you."

2. No, it's not fair. And I'm sure you feel sorry that he has lost his loved ones, but you are right here to support him...and your family is his family too. You ALL love him.

3. Try to pull your side of the family and all your friends around both you and your husband in this tough time. Help him to realize that family isn't just his blood relations.

4. Try not to hover or smother him with your concern at this time. Just be there for him. Active listening techniques really help when people are hurting. For the most part, they don't want you to fix anything or change anything....they just want to be heard. So, eye contact, correctly placed "listening sounds" like "I hear you," or "I'm sorry you feel that way," can make such a difference.

5. Try not to become upset about what he's feeling right now. It's not about you at all. I know it's tempting to overthink this..."he's telling me not to have my family involved." That's a temporary reaction. Ignore it and focus on his grief.

Your kids *are* going to grow up in a home where they can talk to you and your husband. Now is not really the time to have thoughts otherwise because this is an extenuating circumstance. Just know that you have to teach your kids to be able to come to you....and you must teach them tact as well (when they're a little older). They can't bring up the subject of someone's grief right in front of them right away...some questions sometimes have to wait or their words might make someone's grief worse.

Best,

C. Lee