Husband Doesn't Want to Be Mil's Home Maintenace Person Anymore

Maybe you could give her a home warranty as a gift. You pay a monthly fee, like $40 or so. Then, when something breaks, they come fix it. You just pay a small portion, sort of like a deductible.
Or, the next time she asks for a repair, go on BBB or Craigslist in her zip code and find her a handy man. Let he know yall cant make it that weekend, but you found someone who could do it for a reasonable price. She may love not having to always ask. So, giving her options may be better for everybody.

Sticky situation!

I do think your husband's feelings are justified. He is just frustrated with your brothers, not your mom. And shame on them for letting this go on for so long.

I think the problem is that approaching your mom and brothers about it is going to cause her to feel bad and that's not what you want.

That said, I do think you could approach your brothers (secretly) about chipping in for something like a birthday or Christmas gift of a years worth of lawn care, driveway plowing, handyman services, etc......

I would begin the conversation with mom by saying, "you know, (your husband's name) isn't a spring chicken anymore. He told me that the physical burden of doing maintanence on two houses is getting to him. I'm worried that one of these days he might strain his back. We're thinking about asking (brother's names) to pitch in some money to hire a handyman to help with the maintenance on your house and wanted to see if you had any thoughts about it."

I think your husband is being more than reasonable, and shame on your brothers for not thinking about all of this work and recognizing that "someone" is doing it and that the someone is your husband. My brothers are pretty clueless about things like that too.

I would just talk to your brothers first and acknowledge that they probably don't know how much help you mom needs because it's always been taken care of, but it is a lot of work for you and your husband and it's beginning to take it's toll, so you'd like the three of you to share the cost of a regular handyman to help out your mom. If they really get it, they should pay for the costs themselves to make up for 10+years of service but if they don't, then you have to be prepared to pay 1/3. Once they agree, tell your mom exactly what you wrote here - that you'd like to be able to just visit, that your own home maintenance and taking care of the kids are squeezing your husband's time and energy so you and your brothers propose hiring a handyman who can do what your brothers would have been helping with if they lived nearby.

I don't think your husband is being selfish one bit... I totally understand where he's coming from. I think you should start off by telling each of them how much work your husband does for their mom, however, it's not quite fair to him, then go into what you told us. I'm sure your husband will still help out some, but he needs a break... I think your mom will be very understanding and I don't think anyone has the right to be mad at you or your husband for that matter...If they do, they are the selfish ones...
Hugs going out to you!

Our church has a men's group that goes and helps women in our church. The women make a honey-to-do list and leaves it at the church then depending on who has what skill they make arrangements to get the honey-to-do list done.

I don't think you husband is being selfish at all.

I finally had to tell my mom that our visits were being ruined because she had a list of honey do's for my poor hubby and he got to where he didnt want to "visit" because there was no visiting for him, only work. She hires handymen now to do the stuff. Just let her know. Once the pressure is off of your husband he will be more willing to do little things for her rather than feeling he's obligated to do them.

I do not think your husband is being selfish - not at all!!

I'd simply say to your Mom and Brothers - "Hey - you two (brothers) need to start a fund for Mom so she can hire a handy man for things going wrong with her house. We (husband and I) need to finally get a break after 24 years of maintaining Mom's home and concentrate on OUR home and OUR kids. We've done this for a long time without complaint and now we really need to concentrate on maintaining and improving our home as well as have more free time with the kids and each other."

Can your mom afford to hire people to do this work? If not could you and your brothers pitch in to have a budget for it?

I think your husbands request is very fair. Not only is he going and helping over there (a whole lot) but it does take time away from your own children.
An hour away is 2 hours travel.

Maybe he could make an agreement to weatherize her home in the fall and then take it all down for spring, but other than that she needs to find someone in her on town.

Maybe you could assist her is making a list with numbers of who to call.

Just sit down and explain it has been an honor to help your mother and you still all want to help, but now that you all have 3 children a home, it is becoming harder to help and you are feeling guilty about it.

But you have some suggestions,.

This is just a suggestion ~ Also let her know that as your children are becoming more active with outside activities, you would love for HER to start coming to your home to stay over night once a month and just be able to relax and visit with all of you.. (this will be helpful when they start team sports)

Anyway, living close to family is such a blessing, but it can be like a curse.. (both of our families are here only 20 minutes away... The ENTIRE family.)..

No guilt, just thoughtful honesty... She will understand..

I don't think your husband is being selfish, that's a lot to ask of someone already taking care of a household. In defense of your brothers, they do live far away and it's not reasonable to expect them to physically chip in and probably hasn't even occurred to them how much work your husband is doing. Have you asked them about helping out financially? You can't begrudge your brothers if you haven't actually brought it to their attention. Tell them! Tell them exactly what you and your husband have been doing and how it's just gotten to be too much but you love your mom and she needs the help. I like Denise P's suggestion about chipping in for the handyman etc services! You are obviously a great daughter and your husband sounds pretty awesome too!

I think having your brothers pitch in for a handyman is a wonderful idea! You and your husband have done a great job of helping your mom, and you probably won't mind pitching in for some random chores, but hiring someone for the running list of tasks is a great idea!

Time for the brothers to step up! Since you all have a great relationship, this should go over very well. Just state it like you did in your post and they will understand.

Good luck!

Hi B.,

We're in a similar situation. Your hubby is a sweetheart, and he's done a great job. But it's great that he wants a change. It's healthy to want balance in relationships. In the long run it will help his and your relationships with your brothers. And it will be better for your brother's self-esteem to know they helped take care of their mother, even though they don't realize it right now. Later on when she's gone they will wonder why and how they didn't do more. It's a natural part of the grieving process. So this is healthy all around. Good for him.

BUT. Know this. The system is working well for your brothers and your mother, and they are not going to be happy that you want to change it. Especially Mom. And that's natural too. When something is working, people are resistant to change. She may complain and find fault with whomever you hire and more. Ignore it. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Recognize that people resist change, and stick to your guns.

So the next step, find something in your life to point to--your house work has gotten excessive or the kids are at an age where you have gotten busier and are missing out on family time with grandma. Find something to point to to say, we need to make changes because of this. It makes it easier to say "A change in our life means we need to make adjustments elsewhere..." (Then stick to that story. Don't give too many excuses. Don't give details. It's your personal business.)

The second step is to replace it (at least the first few times) with an activity. Take Mom to a picnic at the park with the kids, or lunch, or to a movie. Shift the focus away from the house and being there. This will underscore that your time is quality time with her.

Whatever you do, stick to your guns. This is unhealthy that you are the primary caretaker when your Mom has three kids. When she's gone, your Brothers will feel guilt and/or resentment (even if it's unspoken) that you were the "good child" who took care of Mom the most. Right now, it's not even on anyone's radar, but this will make a big difference in your relationships that you came together as a team to take care of your mother while she was around.

Good luck,
S.

The next time you visit, just visit. If she shows you the list and there is anything quick and small by all means try to do it. If there are big things (or lots of things that will be time consuming), take note. Call your brothers and say "Mom needs her roof replaced. Do you want to coordinate a visit with all of us pitching in or can you help pay the local repair man?".

If you visit your mom once a month, maybe every other or every third trip a little time could be devoted to a few small things.

Your husband is in no way selfish. I am sitting here thinking that he actually sounds A LOT like my father and my husband, both of whom have cared for my grandparents and their home as long as I can remember. Our situation is a little different, but the point is... just because they aren't local doesn't mean they shouldn't help! My parents actually live very far from us (grands lived 30 minutes from us), but whenever they came to visit my parents were fixing and "doing" around the house their entire trip. My husband went over twice a month by himself to check the "little things" and make repairs.

Here's what we finally did...my mother called around and got the names of several good handy men. We found someone who had actually known my grandparents for many years (small town) and who we trusted- didn't realize that he was still doing "small jobs" b/c his business had grown. We agreed to a "per day" rate for his services and my husband would keep an active list of things "to do" at the house and then would email the list when it was 1 or 2 days worth of work. My husband functioned more like the project manager and would check on the projects as needed. He billed my grandfather monthly for his services and the materials.

In your case, you may want to reach out to your brothers and ask them to share the cost of hiring someone to come to the house once a month to keep the house in good repair. Your husband and you will still need to keep an eye on things, but there are other options.

Be guardedly honest with your mother. Let her know that you love spending the time with her and that your husband has been happy to help over the years, but things are starting to slip at your own home. Instead... how about we all agree to share the cost of a handyman for projects that are bigger than we think we can handle during our visits.

I would approach your brothers and say we need to pitch in and help mom pay for a handyman, or everyone one has to take a turn for a fix it day. You are right everything can not fall on your husband, even the nicest person will get burned out by that.

Also is there a chance that she can move to a place that is closer to one of you that requires less attention like a condo or apartment that takes care of the little indoor things or outdoor care. The time might be coming that if she is needing more help with the small tasks that she has to start thinking about moving and to a place that requires less help in upkeep. That way everyone will get to visit with maybe a few small tasks (takes maybe an hour) and then spending good time together.

I think you really need to have a chat with your brothers. I'm sure they are oblivious. But by getting it all out on the table now, hopefully you will be saving yourself some of the heartache as your mom gets old and infirm. I have seen so many families torn apart because the burden of caring for an elderly adult (both financially and otherwise) falls on one sibling to the exclusion of the others. It might be a good time for you to discuss a long term plan for your mom's care, and oh, by the way, there's a lot of home maintenance work that my husband has been taking the sole responsibility for and what do you think would be a good solution for handling that. Good luck!

I think your husband has been awesome and I really hope no one comments negatively. All of you are entitled to some time together. I think I would address it with honesty with Mom - say that you wish you could visit, that your husband is not getting any younger and the hard physical work is taking its toll on him, and you are worried that the kids are starting to resent the time that Dad spends doing work. You are worried that they will see Grandma as a burden and as a drain on their time with their dad, and that will interfere with the kids' relationship with Grandma. Say you are sure she doesn't want that. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but since a parent's presence is even more important during the "at-risk" teen years, tell Mom it's even more important that you not leave your kids to their own devices while their Dad is on her roof or in her basement.

I would have a very frank discussion with your brothers, and tell them Mom needs more and more, and your husband cannot continue to shoulder the burden. Tell them it's starting to cause resentment after all these years. I'd suggest that, for Mother's Day, you three siblings give your Mom a gift of a handyman. It will be someone she can call rather than wait for your husband, someone who is bonded (and licensed/insured), etc. Get your brothers to kick in some money (maybe 40% each to your 20%), and set up an account either under your control or Mom's. This will be a gift for you too - you get your husband for a year! After a year of Mom dealing with someone else, she'll get used to it and stop calling your husband.

You want to preserve the relationship between your husband and your brothers - this solution will do that. Continuing to impose on him is harming their relationship and they may not realize how strenuous this work is, let alone how much it interferes with your family and your husband's relationship with his MIL. She's not getting any younger either, and it's important that you all get to spend time with her. When you are needed more and more as the hired help, you no longer have a family. Explain that to your brothers and your mom, and get them to understand that it's BECAUSE you don't want hurt feelings or a division that you need to set up some other arrangement.

Seems like talking to your brothers directly would be the best first step. Telll them that you would love to be able to visit Mom like they do, and that you need you husband around your house more, that the kids need him etc. Suggest that the siblings hire someone so they can make sure that Mom's list gets proper attention, and that you guys can all visit. Maybe you could each agree to take on something small, seasonal...ie christmas lights or something, but the goal should be to farm the list onto a paid third party. As long as it is honest, and kept light, it should work, and then you guys can bring it up to Mom once the details are ironed out.

Can your mom afford to hire a handyman and pay him herself?

Wouldn't it be so wonderful for you all to just visit:) I like that you mentioned that.
I would mention it to your mom, too. She may not even realize that you all want that level of connection or she may feel you are more "comfortable" with the work/chore socializint. I would also add to the conversation the fact that hubby is doing a lot of work 9-5 and after hours at your house and does need some down time and ask her what she would do if you are are not available as much moving forward due to the number of demands on your time?
It would be a nice idea, if you all are not completely burnt out, to give her a time frame so she can plan around that. Even if you followed some of the suggestions on getting brother's set up for a "work trip" and tell her about that:)
Good luck. I am so happy you have such a kind husband and grateful mom!! It makes this situation much easier than the alternative.

If you can wait to handle the situation when your brothers arrive for a visit have a family sit down then and express that your family will not be able to committ to fixing things anymore. Ask that they come up with a plan so that things will not fall by the way side and make your suggestions as to hiring a handy man. If you need to resovle the commitment asap make the phone calls and be stern about coming up with a plan from your brothers and mom.

You are not being selfish at all. My guess is, you brothers don't even realize the amount that you and your hubby do for your Mom. I would approach them and tell them to plan a long weekend visit with Mom a couple of times a year and to share the load. Instead of just you and your hubby doing the heavy work all the time if all of you go to Mom's home and share the work you would get more done in 2 days. More hands make the work easier. You could also pool your money and find a handyman to help her one weekend a month.
I'm in a similar position, My Mom (94) and I share a home and I am the only child left. Because my Mom can't care for herself I have to take care of her I can't plan to be gone unless I am sure I have someone there to make meals and do dishes ect. Few realize that at 56, with all of my kids grown and gone I am still tied down. I can't plan day trips, vacations because my Mom can't be left alone overnight. I have checked into having someone come in and the cost is astounding. I just keep telling myself it won't last forever.

I don't blame your husband!!!!!! My mom is like that with my husband and it pisses me off......"I" have to be the one to say something to my mom because my husband is too nice (plus, it's my mom not his)......
I've told my mom "Jeff is really tired from working so much lately (not a lie) and that he just wants to relax when he comes over"... OR I have my husband stay home sometimes when I go over there to give him a break..