Husband - Midland,TX

The business is paying the bills and allowing you a good life. You worked as a team. You both worked hard to make it a success. Right? Did you discuss leaving him high and dry to do it all himself. If you did not, he has every reason to be ticked off. If you did not want to help with the business, you should have said something early on. I get the feeling he is swamped and overwhelmed. You have to remember 59% of the team is gone.

He liked the person he was married to for all of those years... the one who probably was at his "beck and call" throughout the day and who did all of the "little things" that went completely ignored but were essential.

He doesn't like this new version of you. I'm just playing devil's advocate, so hear me out. Did you talk to him about why you were looking for a job outside of the house? Seriously... did you say to him that you didn't like the dynamic between the two of you as "work partners" together all day long, so for the sake of your relationship and your own sanity... looking for a job. I'm not saying that you should have asked his permission, but changing the whole dynamic of your household was going to have an impact.

He's not going to divorce you, but he is telling you that he does NOT like you having a life outside of the house. My recommendations are these:
1. Talk with him about what his concerns are... he may not answer you, but it will get him thinking.
2. Start treating him like your husband again.... date nights (now that you have extra cash), weekends away... whatever. His word choice is terrible, but he's telling you that he's feeling neglected. Your anger and annoyance is pretty apparent, so my guess is that he's not get the "warm and fuzzies" either.
3. Use the extra cash to hire household help or an assistant for his business. If you are spending your after work time doing household chores and kid stuff, then hire someone to do the household stuff FOR you. It was a godsend for us.

When I decided to leave my job as a psychologist for an administrator's position that required travel, there was a LOT of conversation between the two of us. If my husband had said (with good reasons) that he didn't want me to take the job, I would not have done so. Why? Because it's "our family" and "our dynamic"... I wouldn't make a decision to change the dynamic on my own and would expect the same from him.

It sounds like you had a very traditional marriage for many years and then changed it- very quickly and without really talking it through. You really can't go back and change it, but you can "fix it" together going forward.

He feels threatened by the fact, that you are a woman.
That you now... have a life and your own ideas.
And your own mouth in which to speak your own thoughts.
And a life, that does not involve him.
And that, he cannot keep tabs on you.. anymore. Because, you are now... not IN the house, with him, 24/7.

The man, has tons of issues.
And he is highly immature.
And highly, irrational.
And highly.... ridiculous in expecting you to cater to him, even when your kids are very sick.

Some men, are only happy, when they are keeping their Wife, at a lower rung in life.

He should be happy for you
But all these years, you have revolved around him. He got his way, even if it is ridiculous. And now, "his" life has changed. Because, you, a woman... is making an improvement in her life.

If you have a daughter.... I really hope she learns that women can do and be anything. And that no man... should emotionally blackmail them in order to control them.

He needs to accept that you need to be your own person, and that his business is not your dream. I think counseling is a great idea. IMO divorce should never be brought up unless the person is really serious, it is not something that should be used as a weapon to try to bend your spouse to your will, that is childish and cruel. I would bring up the threats in counseling and talk about how they make you feel.

If he really needs extra help with his business maybe he could higher an assistant to help for a few hours each week.

Definitely keep the appt. with the marriage counselor. It can do wonders.

In the meantime, you might point out that your extra income will allow your family to hire an assistant for him. It sounds like he's overloaded with his job and needs someone in a support role. Maybe if you point out what your job can offer your family (and him, specifically, since he sounds self-centered) he'll give you more respect and stop resenting your independence.

This is a fairly typical scenerio. It sounds like he's threatened by your new job. I'm also guessing that you're more independent now with a separate paycheck and a new position and finally you're not dependent on him like you once were. Part of this could be as simple as he's feeling like you no longer "need" him for anything and he still needs you. That can be a pretty helpless feeling. Marriage counseling sounds like a good first step. That's a lot of change. For you it's new, exciting and challenging. For him, he's left behind alone while you come home excited and energized and none of that has to do with him anymore.
As far as making you late by arguing, he might be testing to see what's more important to you - the job or him. I'm not saying its rational, but people react emmotionally. Try reassuring him. Plan date nights. Reassure him you still need him, love him and want him.

Is the steroid by any chance prednisone? I only ask because prednisone made me feel very strange - angry, irritable, difficult, etc.

Maybe he does feel neglected by you but brings it out in the context of the "family" business. ??? I'm not saying his behavior is justified, though.

It sounds like you guys need some counseling with a neutral party (ETA - just noticed that you have an appt - GOOD). I applaud you for trying to work on your marriage. He needs to stop dropping the "D" word. That's manipulative.

He also needs to understand that if you are working for his business for free, that it's not making as much money as it may seem. In other words, he's not accounting for what it would cost to PAY someone to do what you're doing.

I love family businesses but this issue sounds deeper.

Good luck - counseling, PLEASE!

PS: Also check out side effects to steroids.

Sandy:

Let's start with the medications:

1. Prednisone - it can cause high irritability and weight gain. some people have trouble sleeping as well.

2. Allergy medication - I take it he had an allergy test done to figure out just what he's allergic to? Maybe he needs to try another medication. Some of the antihistamine's cause irritability - then add the steroid..

Now about the "family business"

1. did you start this business TOGETHER? If so - I think he has every right to be upset that you abandoned him.

2. You are not a slave - you are a partner.

You are in a RARE situation that your husband's business makes enough money to support the family and you do NOT HAVE to work. Do you know how many women would LOVE to be in your shoes for that?

Take a step back. You need to COMMUNICATE WITH your husband. There has to be a compromise that you two can come to. You need to figure out what's more important to you - your career or your marriage. If there is a balance - find it. If not. You will need to make a choice.

DO NOT miss that appointment for that marriage counselor. You two need to learn how to communicate again. Your husband is feeling neglected. You have placed your job over him. He's communicated that to you. You have chosen to ignore it - in essence - so he is now scrambling for reasons as to WHY this career/job is so important to you...so he reaches for an affair.

You may not be having an affair with someone else - but you are having an affair with your job. I know it sounds funky - but think about it:
you are LOVING this job.
You are sprucing yourself up for this job - which you didn't do for him.
You are gone. You spend more time out of the house than you do in.
You have, in essence, walked away from him. WITHOUT discussing with him your feelings of being taken for granted. Or did you? Did you blame him and use "YOU" statements instead of "I" statements?

example - YOU statements that make one go on the defensive:
YOU have taken me for granted. I don't want to be around you.

example of statement to HELP:
I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I feel like a slave instead of a partner.

If the business is successful - maybe he can start paying you as an employee or a partner. What would make YOU feel better about the situation?

Can you please see this from his eyes? I am not condoning his behavior nor am I supporting it. I would just like you to see it from HIS point of view.

This is a HUGE transition time for your marriage. You have chosen to walk away - in your husband's eyes - for a job instead of working on your marriage.

When I went back to work after staying home; my husband was INSULTED. Yes, INSULTED. He felt like I was slapping him in the face and telling him he couldn't provide for our family. (yes, he's a traditional man!! LOL!) but I want you to know that we worked through it. It was tough. After a LOT of communication - he came to realize that **I** needed more than just the kids and him. It's was NOT an affront to him. I was doing what **I** needed to do for my sanity. I chose to be an Assistant Director at Kindercare so I could be with our kids....I wasn't abandoning them. Communication is key...

Good luck!

I wouldn't discount the effect the steroids may be having on him. They are definitely known to make people's personality change.

Try to get by as well as you an until your counseling appointment and in the meantime, maybe try to give him some extra attention.

Does he know how unhappy you were as his beck and call girl? Always putting your needs second is not the way to build a happy marriage. Having said that, what are the two of you doing that is building your relationship? He could be missing the time you used to spend together and isn't very good at expressing it. From your point of view, you are getting out to an environment where you excel and are appreciated, from his you are running away because he isn't enough (enough what I don't know).

He needs to know he is first in your priorities, and you need to be his first priority. It doesn't work unless both of you commit to that. It is the only way to have a happy lasting marriage.

Here's a short, quick to read, book that might help: "The Power Of People: Four Kinds Of People Who Can Change Your Life" by Verna Cornelia Price

I was married to a man who was a "divider". He was threatened if I had friends, if I spent time with my family, and especially if I had success at work. I was accused of affairs, "managers" were scoffed at daily (I was a manager), I was expected to do all the housework even when he was working PT. He would argue with me, so that I would be late for work.

I'm not telling you to divorce him. I hope you can work to understand each other through counseling. Many men have trouble saying what they really mean. What he is saying is likely not what he's feeling, it's what he feels safe saying. I hope you can get to the bottom of this.

But, please don't feel like you can't have a career of your own. There is much more than the immediate money to be gained from work and career. Just because you don't HAVE to doesn't mean there aren't many good reasons to. No business is totally secure, no marriage, no good health, no retirement plan is safe from radical change, and that is the insurance you are buying with the work experience you are gaining. That, and the personal satisfaction of being more than a "free assistant".

I think counseling would probably be a great idea. You both seem to under a lot of stress and you are working against each other which is adding to the stress. Perhaps the counselor can help you find some common ground. It is very difficult to work together and live together 24 hours a day when one party feels like they are being taken advantage of. You have 2 children that are depending on their parents to work together to make things right. Perhaps he needs to hire someone to be his office assistant on a part time basis. Perhaps you need to hire someone to help with housework, etc so that your free time can focus on your family-both husband and children. I understand that going out and getting a job (along with being appreciated for the job you are doing and the recognition for a job well done) was an escape for you to get away from his demands. Good luck--I hope you can find some common ground and save your marriage.

It's been said that a man married a woman hoping she never changes, and she always does and a woman married a man hoping he'll change and he never does.

Find a COMPROMISE. Like you'll help with his paperwork for an hour per night WHILE he bathes the kids.

If that's unacceptable to him, you'll need to draw some boundaries and he'll have to hire someone to help him out.

If your tasks from his business can't wait til YOUR hour, he'll just have to do them himself.

This might be a good time to talk to a counselor.

Good luck!

You are not alone. When I get busy at work or with various professional groups and grad school, then the kids and housework on top of it, my husband gets a whiny too (never threatened divorce or accused me affairs, or threatened affairs) but the male ego is a fragile thing.

You are right to want to work on your marriage if it is just this issue. The counseling is a great first step as is finding time for the two of you to talk about the change. Change is hard for some and if all this work success has happened quickly his head may be reeling.

Try to cater to his ego a bit, make spending time with him a priority (maybe even before the kiddos!) and see if you all can get to a place where you can talk.

"Jim, I can tell that my working really bothers you. I really enjoy being financially dependent, able to help our kids AND you with my added income. It fills a hole I have as a person. I want to know really what you think about this, now that you know why I enjoy my job. Do you not want me to be happy? Do you not want me to be successful in my own right?"

See what he says. Remind him not to yell and that it isn't an argument. Just that there is a lot going on and you are confused by his actions.

Good luck!

Is this "family business" a joint venture that you two set out on together? Or is it his pet project that he has been trying to get you interested in?

Do you have room in your budget to hire a real assistant for the family biz?

Does he act in a controlling manner in other areas of your life?

Aside from the business, DO you care about him? Do you go on dates? Do thoughtful things for one another? Make him feel special, (as he should also be making you feel special?)

Have you ever suggested that he hire an actual assistant? He sounds overwhelmed. I have a business and my husband graciously helps with a ton of the "extras"..paperwork, phone calls, kid pick up, grocery shopping. I couldn't do it without him. Sounds like your husband needs support and is probably struggling to keep up. This doesn't excuse his behavior, but might be part of the cause.

I have not read any other answers, but wanted to give you encouragement. The counseling is a great idea, but I wish it were sooner and more often for now. It will give you someone else to hear you and hopefully affirm you.
You have the right to go toward whatever kind of work makes you happy and fulfilled. If staying at home all day at his beck and call doesn't do it for you then you have the right to do something different.
I had a similiar but different scenerio where my husband pushed me to stay in a job that made me miserable and whenever I discussed quitting he would tell me I was wrong etc. I quit without discussing it with him anymore and got a different less paying job that makes me happier and has better hours for me while I work on my dissertation.
To be happy we must pursue what seems right to us. But you can just calmly show him that you are still there for him and the kids as a wife and mother. Tell him that you job is to be his wife not his work slave. You are glad that his work is successful and makes him happy and you want the same. If he needs help with it then there are plenty of people looking for part time work for low wages. They can answer the phone.
Tell him it is not good for anyone to argue all the time especially for the kids that you want a happy home and to just relax and be his wife when you are there.
Get counseling with or without him.

If you want to save your marriage do NOT quit your job. He will only get more and more demanding and up the ante if you cave in to him. He might divorce you anyway, and then where would you be?

I'll tell you straight out that I would NOT have these arguments with him. You take care of the kids and go to work. You do what you do that has nothing to do with his job, because being a mother and a wife are your job at home. The only time that you should have ANY discussion with him is in front of the counselor. Ignore his rantings about your hair and makeup. If anything, wear your hair and makeup nice at home so that he can't say that you never do it for him.

He thinks that the counselor is going to tell you to quit your job and go home. Any counselor worth his or her salt will tell him that being his secretary at home and having no life outside your house is NOT what a decent spouse tries to do to the other.

Your husband is actually being abusive. Do you understand that? Don't accept this treatment. Go to work and enjoy your job, and put your money in a single account.

I don't understand what you really mean by your family holding it against you, but if you need to use this to get him to back off, USE it. In front of the counselor if you can't get anywhere with him. If he thinks you might really go tell everyone what a jerk he is being, perhaps he'll stop this stuff, especially if you are saying flat out to them FIRST that he accuses you of having an affair because you go to work and wear makeup and fix your hair... SO WHAT if they get mad at him? And if they get mad at you because you work? Screw 'em!

For the next 3 weeks, you do your thing. When he wants to fight, tell him that you refuse to have any discussion about it until you both get to the counselor. Period.

I wish you much luck and I hope that you really do separate his work from his homelife. Otherwise, ALL your homelife will be is you and the children revolving around his work. It is NOT supposed to be that way.

Couples counseling if he will agree, counseling for you if he won't, so you can get some ideas about how to deal with him while he wraps his head around the idea that you don't belong to him.

If you are the one taking time off from your job to deal with puking children while he continues to work from his home office, that says to me that you haven't dropped your family responsibilities. The root problem here is his, but you need to find a way to deal with him that is adult, healthy, loving, and does not put you in the position of being the person who makes all the sacrifices. This is where seeing a therapist, even if he won't go, will be helpful.

Why does he feel so threatened by your success?

Why does it matter whether or not you need the income from your job? We work for reasons other than money. We work outside the home to challenge ourselves, to learn new things, to make the world better, to fill a need for adult interactions, to have a life that is fuller, to do what we love... so many reasons. As an adult, you have a right to choose your life work, as long as you balance it with your life responsibilities. Your husband should not deny you this.

Steroids can make him aggressive and irrational if this is something newer. He could just be having a reaction to them.

Other than that he's scared. He liked things the way they were. I suggest that you continue to work and feel good about yourself. The counselor will help you to find a compromise. I'd tell hubby that the counselor wanted to talk to him about some things that "you" are working on. Then make it sound like the counselor wants hubby's input on what's "wrong with you" so he'll go to a session or two. Then the counselor can plant some seeds to make hubby interested in hearing what they have to say. He might be more ready to go to some more sessions and that can only be good.

You have many issues you need to talk about and I am sure it started before he starting taking steroids. That said, if I took steroids that long, I would argue with a sign board I painted myself! That stuff is not doing you any favors.

Well I'm sorry to say that my first instinct was to say that you are a huge part of the problem. You see yourself, as being a slave, when it comes to HELPING your husband with his work. It takes two to make a marriage work, and if your husband is at home working his butt off, and needs help, and you act like he wants to you be a slave for free, that would set off my bells too. I mean, that was before you got a paying job, right? It was your choice to go get another job. I would assume that you just needed some time away from him, since he was probably at home 24/7, so you got frustrated and hence the arguments began. I understand you have to take care of sick kids, but I'd bet if you helped him do maybe one thing, and let the housework go if you had to, that he would gain a new appreciation for you. You don't need to divorce him, you just need to figure out how to appreciate each other again. And I'd bet doing small things for each other is a good start. Sometimes you have to be the one to give in.

I'm glad that you are seeking counseling because your communication is not working. Your husband is crying out for something (to know that he is a good enough provider, to know that you don't value your job or your kids more than him, to know that you value the family business, to know that he is your knight in shining armor, to know that you would do anything for him because he is more important than anything, or something else). He does not know how to tell you without making the situation worse.

You are crying out to be valued, not taken for granted or treated like a slave. You have not told him in a way that he can understand.

Too often we say the wrong things to each other and instead of fixing the situation as we had hoped, it puts up a wall and/or we get the complete opposite reaction or behavior.

Counseling will help. It's too bad that you have to wait so long. In the meantime, don't ask him what he wants. (Men don't like it when we want to have a talk! If they say the wrong thing, then they are crucified, so they would rather not say anything at all.) Instead, assume that he wants all of the above that I listed. Start giving him those things in subtle ways. Don't do it with the expectation of getting something in return. (It will happen, but it may take a while for him to really believe you.) Just keep doing it until you see the counselor. It will be good for the counselor to see what you did and what his reaction was.

Start with telling him how glad you are to be married to him. Act like you did when you wanted him to ask you out on the next date. It is so much more fun than whatever is going on now.

Don't let the kids take the joy out of your marriage. If you don't have the energy to give your husband some attention, then you need to get a sitter, a housekeeper, quit your job, or something. You need to put energy into your marriage. That's what you said in those vows you took. Your kids need to see what a healthy marriage looks like. And have some more fun!!

Remember, for now, this is all about you making your husband feel like he is your Number One. Don't look for anything from him right now. I know that doesn't sound fair, but your husband needs time to see that this is not a desperate act, but sincere love.

I am betting this work relationship gets worked out with the professionals. My husband and I agree that we speak different languages and we will chalk most of our arguements to women are from venus and men are from mars. he isnt understanding the first part where you were working for him. congradulations for having a home family business that is supporting the family. tell your husband that your in limbo at the moment and things will get worked out with the translater. i try to treat my husband like my friend. i never aruge with my friends. i have friends from jr. high that i have NEVER argued with. its not me. not them not how we handle our friendships. perhaps remind him kindly like you would a friend that you two are indeed still friends as well as married. if you can put the work situation on the back burner and pay a little more attention to him. rub his back. thank him for being the provider. cheer him on. i dont see anything wrong with what your doing. removing yourself from a toxic work place and finding a different job. perhaps you and hopefuly you can work together and work it out. or even keep your job with your husband hiring a real paid employee or even pay you !

Kudos to Kiddiepshrink.

Great answer. Awesome advice.

Couldn't say it better myself.

Some men feel threaten by a woman's independence. Maybe you can both meet halfway. This will take some give and take. I pray you all will come to an agreement and not divorce.

i'm not sure what your question is.
i can't figure out how to fix your husband from here.
khairete
S.