Hurt over Family's Response

You are overreacting if you cut the family off, but I do understand you feeling let down. Since I had my own child, I don't get that excited over other kids like before. Also, a big party for a baby is over the top for me. We have limited free time and the older I get, the less I want to attend birthday parties, weddings, or even funerals. I like and need family time.

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I agree that cutting them off would be a drastic over-reaction. These people may be friends and even helpful resources someday. You don't want them to be enemies, and you risk your relationship with your husband's parents if you turn your back on the rest of their family.

One of the most useful things I've learned in my entire life is that it is MY expectations that cause me disappointment and grief. My own thoughts about what "should" or "should not" occur are the source of my pain in almost every case (short of feeling somebody actually whacking me with a hammer).

Not everybody will be excited for you. Not even family. Many folks are just too preoccupied with their own stuff, and may even be wondering why YOU are not caring about THEM according to their expectations. That's okay, really. It's just what people do, and you probably let them down in exactly the same way, according to their version of a perfect world.

It would not feel satisfying, for me, to be congratulated because I forced someone to say it. What's the point. YOU are happy to have your daughter. YOU are happy with your new pregnancy. YAY! You can't get happier than that!

If considering this problem from another point of view might be helpful to you, there's a terrific website that can teach you a great process: www.TheWork.org. You can download a free "Judge Your Neighbor" worksheet and fill it out. Really let it rip! Then ask yourself The Four Questions, and do The Turnaround. The results can be wonderfully freeing, especially if you practice this over time. And the process can be downright funny.

Honey, some people are just -odd. I wish we were neighbors-I would have flipped over shopping for a little girl! xo! I am happy for your new baby-many blessings!!

I think you may be overreacting a little. Would I be hurt? Yes. Is it rude? Yes. Would I cut family out of my life because they don't talk to me on Facebook or say congratulations on my little miracle? No, that seems a little silly.

We didn't even have a birthday party for our daughter's first. She was the 11th grandchild on my side (the first grandchild was born about 20 years earlier) and number 30-something on my husband's side of the family with a 40 year spread there. No one would have shown up!

I agree with Peg M. in that our own expectations are the things that cause us hurt. I wouldn't make any assumptions about what their feelings are toward you. Just adjust your expectations and throw celebrations that don't depend on these people.

Sometimes I just wish I could give the person asking a hug.... here's your hug. And I am in similar situations with my husbands family. I am glad his parents came that is important. But how do the rest of the family treat each other? Do they all go to each other's events and just not yours? I would be offended if they all leave you out. As for the new baby, congratulations, babies are a blessing. But what is important is you your husband and your soon to be 2 kids. You need to relax and enjoy your family. don't be worried about all of them, just you take care. Invite them, but never expect anything from them, I have decided that with my husbands family. good luck happy mommy's day

It is so hurtful when people don't reciprocate the time and energy you give to them. I encourage you to lower your expectations of them as much as possible.

I had a similar circumstance where I invited my 4 siblings to come to my DD's baby dedication at church. Not one of them showed up even though they all live nearby. Each one had an excuse from "I'm sick" to "I forgot".

It hurt my feelings but it was an epiphany for me-- no one loves my DD as much as I do and I can't expect them to be as excited about every event of her life as I am. I realized that I wanted my siblings to give more than what they can or are willing to give so I decided to change my expectations. When they do make an effort to see my DD it's fine, but our lives will go on very happily with or without them. I don't consider them in my plans anymore. I give my husband's family priority for holidays and birthdays because they make an effort to be a part of our lives.

It sounds like you have more than enough love to give to your children without your husband's family. I wouldn't cut them out of your life, but I would stop giving them such high priority and start enjoying the people in your life who want to be involved.

Congratulations on your new baby!

I wouldn't completely write them off. Yes, that would be overreacting.

But as for your child's 1st birthday party; let's just say that no one reeeeeally considers those parties a super big deal except the parents and maybe grandparents. I would not count that against them. Some families are really into birthday parties, some aren't. Doesn't mean they're bad people or have some hidden vengenence or angst against you.

As for facebook. I dunno. I know its difficult NOT to read into things on there. It *is* socializing for lazy people and if they can't even type a few words and hit 'enter', then... well that's beyond lazy. But again... it could just be that they were not brought up to be that cozy with extended family members or maybe they were never that close with your husband growing up & aren't the type of people who decide "oh just because we have kids and are all adults, we should just act like we love each other and hang out".
Some people do, some don't.
If I were you, I'd just try not to be offended by it or feel like this is some huge oppression.

My brother's wife (married 8 years) to this DAY, will not respond to me on facebook, never comments on my photos and doesn't return my calls. (i don't stalk the woman, but he's in the military so sometimes she's my only inlet). She rarely comments on anyone in our family but if she does, its usually my older sister. And one of my older sisters just got married and her husband still has me on this "blocked" list on facebook so I cannot post on his wall, or see his status updates or photos. It is really odd bc he comments on my husband's all the time and we give them $ all the time, like wth did I ever do? of anyone in our family, I probably get along with him the best. But again, I have to just ignore it and not read in to it. Maybe he did it by accident? lol

I am the only one in my family (nuclear) to have kids (im the youngest; 31) but we're all married and own our own homes etc. My other siblings just chose not to have kids. So I would think my extended family on my mother's side would MAYBE?? comment or at least 'like' some of my photos. They are their neices and cousins afterall! but nope! I could post the cutest photos of my girls or announce a huge acheivement and I get nothing... yet my older sibling posts a photo of a bunny in her garden and she gets all the family responding to her!! LOL

hello! I'm over here?

haha so I know how you feel.

but again, I'm the youngest so I was always the outcast and grew up in the family sort of in the shadows of my siblings who were all MUCH older and my extended family still relates to that younger version of me I guess.

Can't lie and say it doesn't hurt but I know they are not INTENDING to hurt me. And they're great people.

Don't give up.
Continue reaching out.

You are over reacting!

1st birthdays are important for the parents, not for the kids. The birthdays that are important for the kids are 3 and later.

Congratulations on expecting. If this was the first or second one on both sides, expect jubulation. We just had our 20 grandchild. Our daughter just announced she is expecting our 21st. There was congratulations and hugs because we are big on family. But not near the enthusiasm of the announcement of the 2nd grandchild. My wife has one brother and SIL that want children in the worst way. They did not even call or congratulate us after the 4th or 5th grandchild.

Don't stress over it. Good luck to you and yours.

I think you are over reacting ... not everyone knows how to be a "happy family" my future in laws do not celebrate or do things any where near the way mine does and I just say "Oh well ... they are not the same as my family."

It has taken me years to get to this point, but your children and your husband are now your immediate family. Make new traditions with them, try to include the extended family when you can but don't count on it.
I quit going to my inlaw Christmas because they never come to my house and we live in the same town! So now we stay home and it is so much more of a holiday!! We watch Christmas videos, put out snacks, etc. Same thing for Thanksgiving-the last 2 years, we went to a "soup kitchen" and volunteered. This year, we are saving to go to watch the Macy's day parade!
And this is not just my "other family" but mine also! I take my kids around on regular days to visit and it's better than the stress of any "special day or holiday".

I agree with Kiran: "Bottom line, the important people will be there. Everyone else is just missing out & honestly, you should just forget about them."

Congratulations! :) It sounds like there may be more going on in terms of family relationship than one can fit on a message board. I am so sorry your families didn't elicit the reaction you expected or wanted - I've been there and know how hurtful it can be. (When I announced my first pregnancy with my now-exhusband, my mother stood up, crying, and screamed,"How could you do this to me?!" and ran out of the room. No one was happy about it.) Given my experience I can only imagine there may be reasons why his family is aloof and all concerned seem uninterested in the pregnancy. Does he have a history of instability, promiscuousness, lack of commitment? Are you the first wife? Does he have other children? Is he distant from his family? Are you guys stable in every sense (relationally, financially, career-wise, etc? Are you guys very young, and/or very strained financially? All of these things and more can affect a family's response. If the latter were true and my own children were in that situation, while there would be joy, I would also be sad for my child and her children, knowing first hand how expensive and difficult raising children is, and how it is only compounded with additional children.....and as they age expenses only increase.

Unfortunately you've learned the hard way that his family does not want to be involved, regardless of relations at major holiday gatherings. Christmas is a time everybody has to play nice even if you hate the person next to you whether you want to not.... so one certainly cannot judge from those days as to what to expect the rest of the year. If they've chosen to remain aloof, I would suggest it has nothing to do with your or your children but their relationship with your husband. It hurts a great deal, esp once the children are old enough to notice and be hurt by it, but unfortunately it's just the first of many swords that will pierce your heart as they grow.

Additionally, spend some time with your husband evaluating your understanding of family together. My husband's extended family prides commitment to blood over even their spouses. His parents expect him to be true to them in every sense more so than me, his wife. Thankfully he's moved way past that in the six years we've been married and as another mom said, his immediate family - the kids and me - are his family. The rest of them are all that way though and the marked difference in our lives has led them to ostracize us for the most part. Even his parents don't stop by although they come in town every day. We both come from highly dysfunctional families in terms of both parents and his extended family. So we've had to work ALOT to make our own way to provide the life we want for our children. It hurts a lot. And a lack of familial support makes life extremely difficult. It can be done, however. Our friends have become our family and human support while the LORD fulfills our relational parental longings among other things.

Good luck in forging your family, working on familial relationships with extended family and growing stronger as you heal!

You are not overreacting. You should do ONLY what is necessary and respectful. I would invite them to bdays b/c that is the right thing to do but I would not go out of my way anymore. I would not leave comments on their page as often, maybe every so often. you have to be a good person still, you have to be respectful and considerate b/c that is who you are but you do NOT have to go out of your way. I have family like that. I mail pics of my kids in their bday cards. I do not call them or ever even visit them. I am done but I still do what I 'should' do as a "family member"....ugh

Unfortunately, that's how people can be, family or not. I notice a pattern of people being self absorbed, "too busy", forgetting, flaking, etc., nowadays & I just can't imagine being that way.

You have to learn how to be happy with our own little family & appreciate the people that do take the time to be a part of your lives, and stop putting energy into the negativity. You can't control other people's actions, but you CAN control your own. Stop inviting the rude people, stop communicating with them, and stop chasing them. They don't care, so really, why should you? And why should you put any more energy into it? You are upset & they couldn't care less.

I have to agree with the poster who said that while we may think our kids are the center of the universe, other people do not, and they have their own lives going on. It still doesn't forgive the outright flaking, forgetting & inconsideration that you described, but it does bear some truth.

Bottom line, the important people will be there. Everyone else is just missing out & honestly, you should just forget about them.

First off congrats !! I would have to say that you are not over reacting. I have went to my nephews birthday parties on my husbands side but then when it's my kids birthday parties only my side of the family shows up. I was upset about it which I think most people would be. Now I invite them but don't expect them to come therefore I am not let down. I don't understand why no one was excited for you when you announced you were expecting. I find that strange. Don't let it get you down cause it is exciting news!!! I would back off from those who don't seem to care and make sure you keep his parents in the loop as we say in our family, since they seem to care.

I would just not go to anything of theres if they invite you. I would def. be pissed but would not cut them out unless your husband wants to. When the time comes for birth i wouldnt call them or anything and let them find out on facebook instead. Let there feelings get hurt the way your feelings have been hurt.

Having nothing more to do with them is an extreme reaction. Just be polite, and continue being kind yourself, and then accept whatever relationship you are going to have with them.

You don't want to cause a big ruckus by excommunicating them. It's better to be neutral.

It sounds like more is going on here. My guess is that if you got a babysitter for Christmas then there is smoking or something there you don't like. They were probably offended. Then they didn't come to your daughter's party. Your having another baby close to your other child. Maybe they are concerned about timing and finances. Whatever the drama, don't stress so much. You have a bun in the oven. Everything feels like life or death. It's not good for the baby to be stressed out. Don't worry about other people. Don't worry about what they are or aren't doing. Just concentrate your energy on your two beautiful babies and your wonderful husband.