Hrs Spent at Home W Kids

The kids don't sit with either of us in the evening doing anything. Is that what you mean? One on one time? That's something that happens maybe on the weekend or something.

Hubby does a lot of the bedtime stuff due to me not being home until bedtime a couple of evenings per week. They just like him to do it.

The kids are school age. They don't need a babysitter, just someone at home with them after dark. If they're older, like 8-10 they should be able to go in their room and be alone to play or do their own thing.

My husband is home at night the same amount of nights, but the rest of the week he is at work. His Dad was never home when he was a kid. He was either working or at social activities. It really hurt my husband that his Dad didn't have time for him. To this day, he resents his father for never being there.

Although my husband is around for 3 days, he doesn't interact that much with the kids like I want him too. He is doing better, though. He is getting involved with my older son and his boy scout activities. If I ask him to help with the kids, he will. Not happy that I have to ask him to do it, but that's some men, I guess.

He was helping the neighbors and friends with different things for a while usually on the weekends. It was getting to me because I felt we needed his help more than the neighbors. I finally had to lay down the law and told him how I felt. I try to get him involved with us now. Like last week, I invited him to the farmer's market with us.

It doesn't sound like you have any leisure time if you are bringing the kids with you to your volunteer activities. Why is he allowed to do what he wants? It doesn't sound 50/50. I wouldn't feel bad about talking to him and asking if he can be around more. He needs to pitch in with the kids too. Invite him to different activities you are doing. Make him feel involved instead of living two separate lives.

If you need him home, discuss this. My DH is out of the house one afternoon a weekend on a regular basis and a few nights a month in general. If your DH is out of the house more than he is in it, does he help you at all? There are divorced parents who spend more time with their kids in a month than he does.

I think you and he need a heart to heart about the schedule. Tell him what you need and why. Ask him for more time at home. Let him make the changes and determine what is most important and what isn't and if there's a season he's in the middle of, I would work on making those changes after he's finished that obligation. If he is out with friends several nights a week, ask him to cut back. He is a married man with a family, not a 20 something who only needs to think of himself. You should not have to take your children with you. Their father should be able to arrange to be home.

If he is unwilling to make any changes and "needs" to be out of the house, then I would be looking at the overall picture of your family and marriage. It is one thing to be active. It is another to be ignored for more "fun" things to do than tuck your children into bed and wash dishes and support your wife.

Do not feel bad for asking him to be more present in his home. I bet the kids aren't the only ones feeling neglected.

it's hard to say what's 'right' for other families as we're all so different, aren't we? my husband was there for easily half of the parenting duties as i worked in the evenings and on weekends for a lot of the boys' childhood. i'm not sure we ever had a conversation about how to co-parent. we just did because we had to. and when it came to leisure time, i had more of it than my dh did, simply because i have always needed it more. some time off by myself (when i was a young woman that was always spent on horseback) was and is vitally necessary for my mental health.
i don't think you should feel badly for needing to have some revisions in your family structure. if you think about it, and approach it to him, as YOU needing more you time rather than wanting to curtail his, i think it will make more sense all round. it's cool for him to have some outside-the-family time, but only if he's making sure that his partner and the mother of his kids is also getting what she needs.
khairete
S.

I like how you put it - one primary caregiver and the other there on occassion... I've felt like that. I work FT but spend much more time with the kids than my husband. He has to work longer hours, commute more, and it's how he's wired. But he's home in time for dinner probably 3 nights a week (but we have to eat late to do it), a little after dinner 1 or 2 and sometimes out one night a week. There were times though he worked so late he missed dinner a lot and workign those hours was his chosing I think. Weekends he take a lot of time to workout and do some errands but is otherwise mainly around. Again, there were times he was working weekends though. I think there are two issues here - are you burned out? And what is good for the kids? Regarding the latter, I'd find some articles on the importance of family dinners and fathers. Fortunately my husband agrees on these two things so while he's not home as much as some guys, obviously he's home more than others. And he knows how important his time with the kids is for their well being and development. You wrote about counseling. A male counselor tellign your husband this may help. So it's not about you being selfish or controlling - his time with them is very very important for your children.

Because I am a stay at home parent, yes, my son certainly sees me more than he does his father. That said, I often have less 'playtime' with him because I'm also doing housework/helping with homework, making dinner, etc. He actually gets more time with Daddy to play on the weekends than with me.

In the evenings, we are both usually home. Husband does have to work from home 2-3 nights a week, just shorter chunks of time usually, and sometimes 1-2 late nights every so often. But unless he's actually at the office, we usually trade off bedtime/doing dishes every other evening or so.

I will say that we are a more 'homebody' couple than some. That said, I don't think we get our positive strokes from group activities, either.... maybe you could ask your husband to drop just one activity for now so he's home more with the kids. "Your kids want to be just as important to you as choir/volunteering/(whatever he's doing) and want to start scheduling a 'family date night' together. (or game night.)" I'd start there.... focus on *their* relationship and not what *you* want him to do. Good luck!

My husband works an evening shift, so he gets to spend very little time with the kids during the week. He is a homebody, so while the kids and I are out and about on the weekend, he spends most of the weekend at home. If you feel you need your husband to spend more time with the kids then why not pick a day, and say "honey, I need you to take the kids on Tuesday evenings so I can ___."

While every family is different, I will say this....I had to ask him for what
I needed/wanted.
He is much better with spending time with the kids than he used to be.
I spend all day with my youngest but I am starting to take time for myself
now that the youngest is 5.
So assess your family's situation, work schedule, commute etc and see
where you can get him to help/interact more & you take time for yourself.
Be sure to take some time for yourself. Take it where you can & make it
happen. Even if it's in 30 mins increments here & there to go for a walk,
run an errand or meet a girlfriend near your home for a quick cup of coffee.
I've found cafe's to be a great get away for myself, by myself for a few mins. They are close by, I can read or my book for half an hour. Parks &
libraries are great escapes, too.

Can the kids and you volunteer with him?

I feel your struggle. We have four kids, due with #5 at New Year. My husband is a surgeon (the only one of his type in our town so he is on call 24/7), and does lots of community service such as Saturday morning clinics, extra call, serving as team doctor for the high school, and having fundraisers for needy kids, on top of all the work he is obligated to do. While this is admirable, our family suffers from the lack of his presence in day-to-day stuff. And when he does get home, he is tired and it's like pulling teeth to get him to read to the kids rather than catch up with work texts, etc. He took off 8 HOURS TOTAL when our fourth kid was born.

After a lot of struggling and some talking with a counselor, this here is what I've worked out in my head:
1. I can't change him.
2. At least he has a hard-working, helpful heart
3. My MIL is in town and I turn to her for help and am grateful for her
4. I pay someone to clean a couple rooms once a week.
5. I pay a sitter so I can exercise (I do marathons/triathlons so I can have some pride in myself too. He leaves for work before the gym opens so I either run at 4:30 and then go back to bed with one of the kids after he leaves, or I have my sitter come from 6-7:30 a.m.), and volunteer and work part time (I'm a registered dietitian and work for the school system and university)

We've worked it out that since he's not involved in organizing the daily routines, he needs to follow the routines I've worked hard to establish.

The most helpful advice I have for you is to prioritize what you need him for and tell him well in advance. I text and post reminders to my husband as important things approach, like our kids' birthday parties, and weekends that are busy and he needs to do such-and-such with certain kids. I provide exact times and places that he he needs to be. And also, schedule leisure time for yourself. Then it'll be easier for you not to grow to resent his.

I don't think he "gets it" that he needs to be here more for the daily stuff. I'm not taking it personally. I am understanding why he works so hard right now, and puts his patients and community before family, it seems. But I learned to use the above tools to just make things work for me, rather than try to change him. I have found that when I ask about his work stress and why he does these certain extra things, he appreciates it and I have a better understanding of the stress he has (it's a lot). And then he doesn't mind when I pay sitters or a housecleaner when I need a break. I just make sure to ""schedule him" for our most important family needs.

Not the ideal situation, but this is the best I've learned to do with it. It could be a lot worse. Such as all the families that are separated via military service. The group I most respect is military families. They move around and miss out on huge chunks of family life because of their service. When I think about those families, it puts things in perspective.

Hugs.

Sounds like things are out of balance for you. You can talk about that without nagging. Present it as a puzzle for the two of you to solve, and be clear in your own head about what the desired outcome is. Do you want him home more often so that you can all spend time together? Or do you want him home more often so that he can spend time with the kids and you can do what you want (go out, read a book, do chores in peace)?

I work 3 days a week at home, 2 in the office, teach SAT prep, and am on a PTA board. I also go to meetings for things like the hockey boosters and try to socialize with different groups of friends once a month each (so maybe 1-3 get-togethers a month). Add in going to the gym or training for a race and there are times when it seems like I'm never at home. We have teenagers who can watch the younger kids so sometimes my husband isn't home either. However, I do get the kids off to school every day, I'm the one with the flexibility to bring them somewhere after school (friend's house, soccer practice), I teach Sunday school for them and bring them to church, I arrange their play dates, know their friends, bring them to birthday parties, get to most sporting events, and plan most meals even though I'm not home to cook or eat many of them. I did drop out of the garden club and a book club because it was just too much, but my husband definitely resents that I go out a lot.

On the other hand, he's not a social guy or a joiner so he doesn't go out much by choice. He does play hockey once a week or so, which is great, and sometimes goes to the gym, which is also great, but he'd rather be home, so to me, that looks like "yes I can go to that meeting" or "sure, I can do a tutoring session on Tuesday night" because I feel no need for us to both be home. We "divide and conquer" instead of spending every day as a family at home. That's partly a function of our dysfunctional marriage (we don't like each other a lot of the time) and partly out of the need to get 4 kids different places - I can pick one up from soccer at 6:30, go to a PTA meeting, drop another off at a late hockey practice, go to the gym, pick up from practice at 10 and be home at 10:15.

If he's an extrovert, he might be thinking that because you've got things covered at home, there's no need for you to both be there all the time. That's not working for you, so let him know what you perceive to be the problem, what a solution looks like to you, and let him come up with steps that he can take to get there.

It does vary from family to family but if one person is feeling over burdened then it's time to let the other know. Before you blow up one night over the umpteenth time he goes somewhere. it doesn't matter how you say it. You are entitled to a life also. It's only him and how he is manipulating you that makes you feel bad about "controlling" him. Don't fall for it.

I do know a bit about this as I have a good friend that went through this. Her H was on every committee you could think of and charities galore.
He used to blame it on needing to be visible because he had a small business. She told him many times that she needed him at home and it didn't matter if he was doing heart surgery in Africa, if his own family was hurting back home because of his absence. He ignored her. She stopped saying anything, really stopped caring because it did no good.

Basically he was a type of Narsasist. He Needed to be Needed. And just his family needing him was not enough. He fed off of the admiration of people he socialized with. He had affairs for yrs behind her back while she did everything at home. They divorced after 25 yrs.

Special case but stand up for your family.

Because I am at home, I do not get to spend actual time with my kids for the most part. It's cleaning, laundry, meal prep, errands, etc.

Dad sees them for an hour at night and on weekends, but his time is usually play with them, though it's tough since he is exhausted from work.

My husband and I are with our kids every day and night, aside from the occasional dinner meeting that my husband needs to attend. I also have to shop for groceries in the evenings every now and then, since we run our business during the day together. Dad picks kids up from school 80% of the time, we eat dinner together and reads to them each night if they are reading his book. I read to them each night until a month ago though, so this is a welcome break for me to have a few extra minutes to rest after the bedtime routine. I usually do homework with the kids after school, but Dad is almost always available to help if we need to pull him out of his office. The only problem with our schedule is trying to balance everything and carving out enough time for work. Since we're both at home, it's easy to get sucked into social and school volunteering obligations. Often people don't consider what we do "work", since we are here all day. Most of our friends have a more traditional set up with mom at home and dad working a lot. While it is often a little hectic, I feel lucky that we have a nice balance of sharing time and the kids can see that both mom and dad contribute to running the household and making money. Growing up, my parents were home each evening, unless my Dad was out of town for business. Can you ask him to try to work in more quality time with the kids to make up for his busy schedule? Maybe just having him add a few fun things with the kids on the weekends and one night a week will help gain some balance. Fun things that allow you to have a break and rest.

My DH is home most every night around the same time...so we eat dinner as a family, BUT it is a late dinner and kids go straight to bed. He will do bedtime about half the time and I the other half.

He is home weekends but always has a project to work on...so he is here, but not always HERE.

My husband is not social at all so he is never out at events without me, I go without him but never the other way.

The thing that makes me sad...is he is always the fun one...happy and playful...I have dealt with homework and afterschool activities some more appreciated by kids than others, and getting dinner on while corralling kids...and most nights my patience is gone by the time we have finished dinner. So, I am more nights than not spent and a bit grumpy and not so much fun.

Start with the importance of family dinner time and go from there...hugs!!