Hi everyone. I have Vasa Previa and need to go into hospiatl at 30 weeks (4 weeks from today) I have 2 daughters 3 & 21 mos. I am very concerned about how to explain to my 3 yr old that I will be going into hospital for a little while. I have mentioned it a little to her and everytime I say "hospital" she starts to get upset and she wants to stay with me there. I don't just want to dissappear on her one day so I am just trying to figure out the best possible way to explain it. My kids will visit me so i will see them almost everyday, as long as my MIL can handle bringing them. She is extremely strong willed and there will be tantrums. My MIL was telling me today how she is dreading the first few visits, trying to get my daughter to leave will not be a pretty site. My 21 mo old will be a little easier to deal with, I think! Maybe I shouldn't say "hospital"? I don't know, any advice will be greatly appreciated!!
I really want to thank everyone who responded to my question. You all gave me some wonderful ideas about how to make the experience better for my girls, I would have never thought of these ideas on my own! I am sure the experience will be harder on me than it will be on them. I already cry about it every night when I go to bed. This is an amazing website and you are all very special people! Thanks again and I'll certainly let you all know how it's working out when I'm in the hospital!
No easy way. I was in hospital for quite a while when I had a three year
old. May not be as bad as you anticipate. Would not bring them everyday.
I would always have a reward when leaving, lets go for ice cream, etc.
Nothing big. Just a treat. She will take her cues from you. As long as
you are good, she will be. Good luck.
You may want to ask the hospital (or a children's hospital if there is one in the area) whether they have a social worker or psychologist who has experience with these issues. They may be able to give you some ideas.
Hi M.-
I suggest not talking about it until about a week before you need to check in. 3 year olds do not understand tomorrow vs 5 weeks from tomorrow, so talking about it today will just worry her.
I would start reading books about hospitals, how they make people better and other positive stories. If the hospital has a video of where you'll be, then you may want to allow her to watch it.
The maternity units at our local hospitals have short on line videos about what to expect, and your daughter may like it. If there is not a video, maybe tour the hospital with your daughter.
Do you have a lap top & web cam? I use Skype for many of my Parent Coaching sessions, and Skype is great. I you can bring a lap top, you & your daughter could talk every night via Skype.
Good Luck with your hospitalization.
R. Magby
I totally agree about not talking about this much in advance. Also, try to strategize how to get her out of the hospital- maybe give her "tasks"- like you need her to bring you a pair of pants or something. Something that she will feel good about leaving to take care of for her Mommy, or that they have to go somewhere so it isn't just leaving Mommy- but a transition to a new focus. I would try to down play the drama of this situation- maybe not even calling it a hospital if she understands what a hospital is. Perhaps tell her you are there to sleep before the baby comes and that she will be taken care of by her Grandma and Daddy- and you will be home soon! My guess is that she is most worried about who will care for her and she doesn't understand what a hospital is.
Recognizing that all children are different- can she stay and watch a movie with you for special Mommy time? Or play a game or read stories with you? Make sure to keep things special for your time together. My kids could never do this as their energy levels are too high and they would not sit still for any period of time. Good luck, this is a challenging time for you and your family.
Buy a few books (Curious George, Franklin and Little Critter all have books about hospital stays) and start reading them to her every night. Also, right before your stay, bring her to the hospital and show her what it looks like. I had to have surgery and this is what I did with my 3 year old son. He still missed me and cried - but he knew where I was and that I didn't run away from him. Good luck on your stay.
Maybe take her to the nursery at the hospital and explain to her that mommies need to go there so that the doctor can help the baby out. She won't understand time so each day you will probably just need to keep reminding her that it takes time but that soon she will have another sister/brother. I think the key is to make sure that she doesn't fear or have a bad association with the hospital....so that she is not afraid of you being there. You can tell her that she will miss you but that you will see her everyday. Maybe start preparing little gifts for each of them to get while you are there for each visit...coloring books/crayons, barbie doll, playdoh, etc. This way they have something to do and it might make the visit a positive experience. :) Stay strong..they are smart cookies and will feel your stress/anxiety as well. Good luck with the pregnancy and keeping your two little girls happy and confident while you are away. :)
Take them on a tour of the hospital every other day. Just go and visit each floor and look around with them. Get them familiar with the hospital and the staff. Show them where you will be "staying" the majority of the time. Sometimes hospitals let family member stay over night. See if you could arrange this for your daughter to "camp out" with you a couple times a week.
Nanc
Don't talk about it any more until the night before or the day of. Kids don't have a good sense of time, and you are just creating a separation fear for her. When you say hospital, she knows you are going away. It may not be as hard getting your daughter to leave as you fear, hospitals are awkward places with nowhere to play and nothing to do. Before you go in, you can give her a bunch of paper and crayons or paints (whatever you MIL can handle) and tell her that she can make lots of pictures that she can bring in to decorate your room. When you need her to leave, you can tell her that she has to help you "get better" by letting you get lots of rest but she can come see you the next day (or whatever time the next visit will be, if it will be a few days, you can talk about how many nights she will have to sleep before she comes to visit again). Tell her you really want her to visit again, so she has to be a good listener for grandma when it's time to go.
Definitely have some books/toys/or a portable DVD player, so that she and her sister have something they can do with you when they come to visit (as well as books and movies for yourself so you don't go too stir crazy.
5 weeks is a long time. I wouldnt keep bringing it up until a few days before you go, then remind her. Call her as much as you can and always tell her you will be coming home again in so many days. Maybe you can mark a calandar and have her cross of the days until the picture of mom. Leaving her favorite books and toys and maybe some hidden surprises from you while you are away. If she has a schedule now or play dates try to keep that going. When I was in the Hospital my son was 3. he came to visit 2 times in two weeks. That wasnt enough for either of us! I found out later on that he thought I lived there and he would only get to visit, he didnt know I was coming back. This still makes me cry. I never thought to mention the fact that I was coming home again.This was an emergency,by the way, so I didnt have time to think. I'm sure your kids will be fine if you can visit or talk to them often. Good luck! Prayers coming your way!
I wouldn't talk about it much. I had to go in after my second child after I got an infection w/ my c-section -- I was away for about 10 days....and my year old and 2 week old child were not allowed to stay with me. They stayed with daddy for a few days that week and then with their grandma....and they came and saw me every day. It was REALLY hard....but I think moreso on me, than the kids. They enjoyed coming to see me (it was something they looked forward to), but I dreaded when they weren't there. I don't know how much your 3 year old would understand. Feel free to read books about hospitals, but I wouldn't worry too much.....as long as there is someone around they are familiar with.....they should be fine.
See if you can find out who to contact at the hospital that usually arranges the tours of the maternity floor. Most hospitals do this for prospective parents who are going to deliver there. When I was pregnant with my second baby the person set up a special tour for just our family, including my 3 year old. It was pretty short, 15-20 minutes, then we got a snack at the hospital cafeteria. It really helped my son feel comfortable when I had the baby and he came to visit. However, when my c-section got infected and I had to go back to the hospital with not much prep it was much harder for him.
I would hold off on explaining to her until maybe 2 weeks or less in advance. Also ask why she is upset. If she will just miss you remind her she can visit often and call is she wants (set up a special time to call or visit so she can look forward to it) and Daddy, Grandma (or whoever) will help take care of her. Maybe a soft toy and a picture of mommy in her room will help as well.
Hi M.,
People seem to focus so much on "preparing" kids for things and "explaining" to them, but really there's not much you can explain to a 3 year old. Give simple and honest information - you are going to be living at the hospital for a month to keep the baby healthy. Nothing more is needed in terms of explanation. At her age, I would tell her not more than a week beforehand, since there is nothing you can do to prepare her, and extra time only INCREASES kids' anxiety, it does not decrease it. Make sure that she has a calendar so she can cross off the days while you're gone and see when you are expected home.
I wouldn't assume there are going to be tantrums, and having a strong will doesn't make kids miss mom more (or less). I would leave notes and little gifties for the kids at home that grandma can put out for them to "find" when they get home from visiting you.
No, you should not avoid the word hospital or pretend you are going on vacation. Lies are never a good idea, and she will notice when she visits that you are in the hospital
Well I have never had to deal with this but maybe you could say Mommy has to go get the new baby and its gonna take a little while. You can come and visit Mommy and make me pictures and treats (even if you can't have them..she will feel special) Is your husband going to be there at all? if so maybe he can take your daughter for a walk then meet your MIL out at the car and have him explain to her that Mommy needs a nap but will be awake the next time she comes to see you. This is just my view..I pray and hope that you will find exactly what works for you (and her) Maybe you can also buy her a special baby doll that she can take care of while you are gone..
There may be a social worker at the hospital that can guide you in preparing the kids. It's important to be honest without giving them too much information to soon. There are some great books in the library we used when we had to prepare my daughter for her own hospitalization. I'm sure there are ones geared for your situation.
Instead of telling her you will be in the hospital, maybe you could try putting a happy spin on it... You're going on vacation. Tell her that you will still get to see her while you are on vacation, but that she needs to stay with grandma and help grandma take care of your other child like a big girl.
I have no idea if it will work, and haven't thought out any of the possible ways it wouldn't work. But it was the only thing I could come up with. Hope all goes well :)
I had undiagnosed vasa previa with my son who was born almost 5 years ago. Miraculously he survived w/o any complications. You are very lucky to have been diagnosed. If you haven't already discovered it, there is a yahoo group for vasa previa. It will come up if you search it on the yahoo site. There you will find many pregnant women with vasa previa who were hospitalized and had children at home. I am sure you will find a great deal of guidance and support there.
Good luck,
W.
