How to Handle Step Children

I have a step son that is older then my son also.. things are different i mean of course your gonna feel different about a child that is actually yours .. i feel the same way .. me and my boyfriend argue about dicipline and attention and attitudes and all of that. It's really hard having step children i think ..I dont really have any advice but just wanted you to know that your not the only one going through this .. good luck

Being a step parent can be tough. Although I am not a step parent, I'm on my 2nd marriage and have a 13 year old child from my first marriage who does not accept my current husband and has a lukewarm attitude toward my son (her step-brother with my current husband). I have a dear friend who is a step-mom and even though she has tried for years to be fair and love her step-daughter, it has been a rough road. The important thing that I've observed is that you and your husband need to try to be as loving and fair as possible to all the kids. That's not always easy because you cannot discipline her because you are not her mother--believe me, when there's a war going on in your house for whatever reason, she will throw it in your face that you are not her mother. Step-children too, don't often treat their step-parents fairly either. You may want to invest in a good family counselor who specializes in blended families--the sooner the better.

Good Luck,

MC

J.

I, in a way, have the same problem. When I met my now husband, he asked me out for six months before I finally said yes. I knew that I did not want to date anyone with kids, and he had two. The stepchildren have been a problem for me and I feel much the same as you. When those kids are around, I am made to feel like I don't exist. Last weekend, the 12 year old mentioned he wanted to go see Madagascar 2 so off went my husband and our almost four year old. I was so mad because I had mentioned that I wanted to take our kids the weekend before and he went without me. So needless to say, things like this keep happening and I'm getting very close to resenting his other children. I think it was Christine that mentioned her step mom always put her on the Christmas cards, etc. but I've gotta say, my stepsons don't live us except a couple of weekends and I don't want to include them on my Christmas cards either. This of course brings new battles to the field - I want to have a nice family portrait done for Christmas as we've never had one, but I know my husband will want to include his other two and I don't want them in it. You don't give specifics in your request but I at least wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I'm not sure if there is an answer for you/us. I do try to be fair to the kids though, it's not their fault that they were the product of a marriage that never should have been. I hope anyway, that only my husband knows I have a problem with them and it hasn't affected them. Good luck, step parents can have a very hard road for them.

I do not have a step child but I do have a 17 yr old daughter from my first marriage and 6 yr old triplets from my current marriage. Also, my ex husband has 3 younger children from his second marriage. Your step child needs to feel like she is part of your family as well. I understand what you said, but if you look at your signature you mention your husband, your 14 month old, the child you are trying to have and even the two dogs. Why isn't your step child listed? My ex husband's current wife treats my daughter like she is not part of their family. Her name isn't even put on Christmas cards. I am not trying to accuse, just trying to point out that your step daughter might just feel left out and like she is not part of your family but an outsider. It is not her fault that she is part of a broken family. Good luck to you and your family.

I am sorry if you felt attacked. That was not my intent and still isn't. I do understand you feel different about your own child than you do about your step daughter. I just wanted to point out what your husband is possibly seeing. I wanted to also point out something that you may have overlooked yourself. Don't you feel as a step mother that she should be listed as part of your family as well? Does she live with you or with her mom?

Hi J.,
I come from a home where I had a step-mom and 3 step-sisters. My stepmom and I always got along because she always included me. I'm not saying it was always easy but she never left me out of anything. I noticed that in your "about me" section you didn't even include her in your family. If this is how you are approaching your family your husband and you are going to argue. She is a part of your husband and you should love her for that reason. You never told us how old she is or anything about her. I understand not feeling the exact same for the 2 girls but kids are all lovable and you should try and treat them the same. Good luck.
Chris

I also was not trying to attack you. I'm sorry if you thought I was being harsh but maybe you didn't realize some of the things we mentioned. You can't ignore the fact that your dogs are mentioned but not her.

I began a relationship with my now husband when his son was only three months old. I had never wanted to date a man with children but I loved him so much that I instantly fell in love with his son as well.

I knew going into the relationship that his son would always be number one and I would be number two. I would have it no other way because I was always and still am my parents' first priority. As our relationship has grown, so has my love for his son. He is no my number one priority as well. He has always been included in all family events (my family as well as his father's).

He has always known who his mother is and who I am, those lines have never been blurred for him. He doesn't call me mum, he's had a pet name for me since he could talk and continues to call me that to this day. I use to introduce him as "my boyfriend's son" then as "my step-son" but now that his father and I have started discussing having children I've decided to start introducing him as my son so that he does not feel left out. I think that that is appropriate as I've been in his life for so long, his mum and I get along really well and are both secure in our roles in his life. I will not however even mention to him calling me mum. If when I do have other children he picks up on calling me mum then so be it. I will be very pleased. But it has to be his decision.

Being a step parent is a choice, being a step child is not. Once you make up your mind to be a part of a blended family prepare yourself for the road ahead. My road had not always been a bed of roses, blending out family took a lot of work and a lot of compromise. I know that one day my step son will probably drop the "you're not my mother" line on me and I know that I will be crushed but it's what I signed up for.

Whether you like it or not for as long as you're married to their parent, your step child(ren) will be a big part of your life. As the consenting adult it is your job to make sure those children never feel left out, or unwelcomed. It will only sour your and your spouses relationship and it will deeply impact the children's lives.

If you're not prepared to love a step child as your own or at least as your best little friend, DO NOT marry their parents.

J.~
As you would not meet a perfect stranger and fall helplessly in love with them, the same is so with a step child! You are being honest and in the end it will get you further than ignoring the situation. The children you carry inside your body have a different bond and it's only biology...not a lack of caring.

My husband adopted my son when he was about 14. I often think he is a little less emotional about MY son than he is with OUR sons...but that usually is only with discipline. Im sure most of that comes from the fact that he is a typical 18 year old boy now and it's not easy to raise one of those!! LOL Anyway, studies have proven that step children will never see the step parent as more than an addition to the family. You will never be able to be a disciplinarian, it's just biology (again). But you can be a great friend, mentor and teacher. Enlist her to help you with the babies and the house. Teach her how to be a mom and wife (eventually), appreciate her for what she is right now and show her that she is important with little things that will make her FEEL loved. It's especially important to do right now while your babies are very young so as they grow up, they will see your demonstrations of love to their sister.

Sometimes its hard to know how to act around other peoples kids, but just remember to relax, ask her tons of questions about herself and just be YOURself. The relationship will come, just let it develop. Nobody expects you to be a perfect parent!

~L.