How to Handle Preschooler Saying Honest but Embarrassing Things

while it's always awkward to the parent, it's just a part of life.

I always use it as a teaching experience, & never reprimand the child - until we're home & can quietly discuss the situation.

I use humor to diffuse the child's words. If the comment is directed to weight....I poke myself & say something funny. If the comment is directed to skin color, I point out all of the moles on my body. (weird, but it works) If the comment is directed to a disability, I draw parallels to friends/family members. .....in other words, I work it!

Sometimes, all we can do is try to give information when the opportunity presents itself, and at home or discreetly. My son is a year older, and he's asked about 'why people are fat'; we talk about why in a nonjudgmental way and then I tell him "People who are fat don't like to be told they are fat. It might hurt their feelings and they already know. You can ask them about something else." (I have a friend who is a big woman; this is what she told another friend's daughter when asked "Are you fat?")

We also use picture books and sometimes talk about how faces have wrinkles, how people all have different kinds of bodies, different colors of skin (there's a book by Katie Kissinger, "All the Colors We Are" which I use with my preschoolers), different ways of dressing. Some people use a wheelchair or some use a scooter to get around. Some people have legs and arms from their body, and some have other things to help. We have a few people in our midst who are friendly and have either a prosthetic leg or hooks/fewer fingers, etc. Giving a positive reflection of why people are different in appearance sometimes minimizes the 'fear' aspect some kids might have and instead may open up a conversation with curious kids. I don't usually mention differences until I see a child is noticing them or hear it being discussed, otherwise it can be confusing to do too much explaining.

As for how to handle it in the moment: you can try positive affirmation sometimes. "She looks old!" can be met with "You know, she is older than you or I am. I'll bet she has some good stories from when she was a little girl."--this opens a door of sorts, conveys respect and dignity. The same with "That person is (color of skin)" --a common one. "Yes, they get that skin color from their parents. Just like you do." A fact, and it actually points out a commonality (we *all* inherit our skin color from our parents and ancestors) instead of focusing on difference.

Sometimes, too, there's no saving the situation. Last year on the bus, a man with many teeth missing was engaging my then newly-four year old son. After a few back-and-forths between them, my son looked concerned and asked "What happened about your mouth?" Mortified. There wasn't time to even say a word before the man muttered "Well, some of my teeth came out and I'm going to get my false teeth next week." A few stops later, he moved away from us. A bit later, off the bus but while the memory was still fresh, I mentioned to him that when people are missing teeth, they already know... and they might feel bad about it, so we don't need to talk about it. We can talk about something else. I think teaching the compassionate angle helps, too.

Mature adults will not take offense to the truth from a young child. I would just smile and continue with the conversation.

I think trying to teach a child what is socially appropriate and what is not is not appropriate at this age. They do not understand Society yet. It's a big concept for little ones.

We want our children to be honest. You can mention that some people don't like to be called old but don't expect her to remember it next time. With time and experience she'll learn social graces.

But just smile and continue with your conversation at the time it happens. The less attention paid to it the less embarrassing it'll be.

I think it's sad that people cannot accept accurate descriptions. I am old so why would I get upset with told that by a child or even an adult.

We can help children by not teaching them some words. If we don't call people fat they won't think to call people fat either. If we don't want our children to say certain words then we need to now say them, either.

Be careful to not take care of the other person. That can feel uncomfortable too. The woman handled it well. No need for you to get involved. And it wasn't a problem for the woman so I wouldn't say anything to my daughter.

My son is great with this, but it did take teaching. It started when we moved from TX to SC.....where we lived before, I think you'd actually be shunned for smoking. NOONE smoked in public! Here, oh my goodness, you can see moms smoking while pushing a swing at the playground. Joseph (when age 4) was like "MOM! They're cigaretting-----they're gonna DIE!" or "Ohhhhh, mom, that cigaretting stinks so bad!" I was a little embarrassed, and thought "I like that he hates smoking and I want him to keep hating it....but it's only a matter of time before I get in a fight with someone over his little mouth" so I knew we had to stop that.
So I just said "Yeah, I know what you mean, but let's talk in the car". We've had talks that basically amount to "If you want to say something about someone else, and it's not a wonderful thing that will make them smile, let's just wait until we're in the car and it's just us---you can ask anything you want, but we don't want to make someone feel embarrassed, sad, or hurt their feelings, right?" Once after that, he said I was fat. I said "I do have a bit right here don't I?" But then my husband (who'd heard it) took him to have "man talk" a little later to reinforce the idea of peoples' feelings. Now at age 5 if he sees something he wants to talk to me about, he'll just touch my hand and look over (but won't stare). We'll just talk in the car and answer whatever comments or questions he has as they come, matter of factly, and praise him for showing wisdom and restraint.
That said, we don't punish him for what he has to say or ask, we just guide him along. He understands that people are different and we can't make judgements without the facts. Some people don't like fat people because they think fat people are lazy and eat too much. Sometimes, that's true. Sometimes, there's something hurt on the inside where the body isn't working the same way other peoples' do....or they take medicines that make them fat for awhile, etc. We don't gloss over things and pretend they don't exist, but we do try to teach him to be thoughtful. Notice things, but don't place feelings about a person on a first look. But trust your feeling in your belly. We're big on following "gut feelings".

Whatever you do don't try to teach the child to not be honest but on the other hand they should learn about others feelings and being rude. You can teach this by example and also by saying how do you think that person would feel or did feel when you say such and such? One time we were eating at a home and the mother of the host's family had parkinson's and shook and had other symptoms. She was a very lovely woman and so sweet but at the meal my 2 year old said loudly " I don't like that woman". I was so embarrassed as she heard it but her daughter said she said " I don't like that gravy". The mother said 'no, she said she didn't like that lady' meaning her. I apologized and she said that it was okay. After the meal she spent the rest of the time trying to talk to my daughter and showing her things and they became the best of friends from then on. I think it helps for the child to learn to understand others although going through a drive through isn't time to teach that lesson. Just tell your daughter each time you have a chance that we are all different and bring up old or fat and say it hurts people's feelings to just mention it to them. It's the adults making those kinds of comments that concern me.

well, there are several good ways to handle it, and a couple of really bad ways. the first thing NOT to do is to reprimand the child or make her feel as if she's done something wrong. we teach sensitivity by making littles aware of others' feelings, but it's so hard for us to be in this situation that often we leap to correction to try and mollify the injured party, but then everyone loses. the second thing is related to that last part, which is NOT to try and fluff up the old/fat/impaired person by saying things like are *nice* but probably not true like 'he's not really old at all'. it doesn't help and just intensifies the awkwardness.
i agree with you that in her mind it's just a fact like height or hair color and one doesn't want to confuse a child about honesty.
most older people are fine with it, (at least if they're reasonably nice older people) but people who are overweight or have physical anomalies can be pretty sensitive. until a child has developed some inner censors, one good way to handle it is to tell her to whisper observations about other people just to you. that way you can discuss her observations with her in private, including role play with her with questions like 'do you think it's okay to tell that lady that she is fat/old/has purple hair/no teeth/uses a wheelchair' or whatever and slowly expanding her consciousness about it from there.
you're not lame, mama, you're a nice person! and your little girl will take that from you too.
:) khairete
S.

DId you see the thread about this from yesterday?

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/618330084423696385

Dawn

Well, I think you do #2 so #1 doesn't NEED to happen.

You talk to her about respect. And about compassion.
And, most importantly, differences on the outside that don't have an impact on the person on the inside.
Take the opportunity the next time your dad jokes about his age to EXPAND it a bit (get him in on it) to make the point.
And if she's not *getting it* then you make a rule about no comments about appearances in public.

She didn't know it was wrong but now she does. You tell her that we never comment on the way anyone looks no matter who they are-not other kids and not adults. Nobody. This takes the guesswork out of it.

I've told my son that it's ok for him to tell me anything he wants about anyone, but he should wait until we're alone if he's not sure if what he wants to say is polite. I told him people don't like to hear that they are "old" or "fat" even if they are. I haven't put any judgments on these words, so I don't think he thinks being old or fat is bad. As you say, I think he thinks it's just another objective attribute. But I said that there are certain words that can hurt people's feelings, and "old" and "fat" are definitely two of them.

I've also told him specifically to never question whether someone is a boy or a girl in front of them. I told him he can always tell someone if he thinks they are pretty/handsome or if he likes something about them. Hopefully that won't backfire on us. :)

Even with all this, though, your children will encounter things that you won't anticipate. My son thought a little person who worked one of those indoor play places was a "big kid." He also mentioned that one of his Little League teammates, whose feet turn inward, "runs funny." Thankfully he told us these things in private.

When he was two, he confused a big burly African-American man for my sister's short, skinny, Caucasian husband. Their one common attribute was that both are bald. Even my sister thought that was funny.

"You're four, everyone is old to you."

From a very young age, I ALWAYS told my daughter that if she wanted to comment about someone's appearance (hair color, short, fat, old, young, cute, etc.) she should whisper it into my ear. This eliminated me ever being embarrassed in public. Kids of preschool age can understand what it means to comment about someone's appearance. Just teach your little one that she should whisper it in your ear. If it's a complement worth sharing, do so. If it's something nobody else should hear, just keep it to yourself. Problem solved. I can honestly say that my daughter has never once said anything embarrassing in public.

I read an article once about how we're trying to raise our children to be color blind by not saying anything or avoiding talk of 'differences' and how it only exacerbates the issue. Because it's natural for children to categorize their world (in order to feel in control) and to find similarities and differences, we need to allow for that and teach them acceptance. The suggestion was, instead of trying to deflect the child's comment, simply agree with something like, "oh, well we all share things that are the same and we can all be different. Yep, just like flowers come in all different colors, shapes & sizes, so do people". Or, simplify to just the last sentence.

I answered the door once to a solicitor and my son comes running up to see who it is and announces to the guy, "you have a big nose". The guy laughed and agreed, but I wanted to shrink. I just said, "yep, we all have different sized noses, but we're all people just the same."

The original article was about dealing with your child when they announce in public that someone is of a different color, but I think it can be applied in all different ways.

Best,
S.

Oh, My God, something similar happened to me this weekend. We had gone to a theme park with my almost 4 year old and we were standing in line. There were two boys behind us who were eating cookies and my daughter said to them "It is junk, why are you eating junk?" I was quite embarrassed and apologized to the mom. But the mom took it very sportingly. She said my daughter was right, so there is nothing to say sorry about. I later explained to her not to say these things to others and she began her usual questioning of why, how etc etc. There was a time she was eating so many cookies and candies that we had to tell her, it is junk and can spoil her teeth. She now asks everything she eats, whether it is healthy or junk. Its funny cause when she wants to eat candies or cookies, she says "I want to eat something junk".

children learn polite behavior by example, and occasionally it takes reminding them that no one wants to be around someone who is being rude.
when i child asks a rude question, simply tell them that if they asked the person the same question POLITELY, they might just get an answer they can understand, rather then getting glared at
K. h.