Long story short ... my mom is celebrating her 60th birthday this year. To celebrate, my sister & I have planned a 3-night trip to Vegas with her. I mentioned this in casual conversation to one of my mother's oldest friends, who now wants to be included in the trip. She has contacted my mother, who told her the trip is on hold due to her unexpected retirement to babysit one of her grandkids, hoping that would end the subject. Now this friend has left a message on my answering machine asking if we're still planning the trip and asking to be included if we are. (She thinks we might be trying to surprise my mom with the trip, and that's why my mom said it was postponed).
I know I should just be honest with her and say we would like this to be a mother-daughter getaway since we don't get to spend much time with our mom alone without grandchildren competing for her time. But I don't know how to say that without hurting her feelings. I also HATE confrontations and know this friend would take this response personally, be very upset by it, and would probably investigate to find out when we are going and where we are staying and show up anyway. The friend does live out of state, so I've also considered just lying and saying we are not going anymore and are just going to celebrate her birthday at home with a nice dinner. However, I am sure that this friend would uncover our lie somehow and then be even more offended.
We would not mind having the friend join us, but she is a very particular (read picky) person and I know she would put a damper on our fun. Ie. Let's not eat there, let's eat here instead. We can't go to the pool now, it's too hot. I want to see X, not Y. Etc. Etc. Etc. This is my mom's first trip to Vegas, and none of us have been on a real vacation in over 5 years. We were really looking forward to just a fun, laid-back weekend with our mom, and now we seem to have a black cloud over our heads, no matter what we end up doing.
Please share any advice you have.
Thanks to all of you who helped me muster up my courage and tell the truth to this friend. I ended up sending her a very polite email explaining that we were really looking forward to a mother-daughter trip and while we didn't want to hurt her feelings because we valued her friendship, we would prefer if she didn't join us. (Ok, so I chickened out a little and didn't call her to talk directly to her, but it's a first step to learning to be a bit more assertive!) She was very understanding, not upset at all and actually sent me a second email giving us some fun ideas of things to do/see in Vegas that she thought my mom might like. Everyone is happy and I feel so much better about the whole thing! Thanks again for all your encouragement!
The advice so far has been great. I hope you DO NOT let this person run things for you. But all the advice aside I just wanted to say that pushy people are a pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE have several relatives and some friends who are like that and well I just wish they would grow up and get over themselves! Sorry no adive just a little free symphathy!
Honesty is always the best policy! Lying will only backfire on you. If confrontation is a concern to you, write her a letter. That way you can take your time and fully explain everything without her interupting or trying to argue with you. Tell her that this is your and your sister's decision and although you care for her very much, that this is a mom and daughter only weekend and you sincerely hope she understands. And that you value her enough to tell her the truth rather than lie about it. She may get mad but she'll get over it.
I agree with the other moms. Just tell her that you and your sister want your mom all to yourselves. That you're sorry if when you mentioned your plans, that she felt like you were inviting her along and that hopefully, she'll celebrate your mom's birthday with her when she gets back from Vegas. Don't let your mom's friend strong arm you or guilt you into inviting her. What ever you do, do not over explain yourself. You do not owe her a lenghty explanation. Just keep repeating those few sentences until your mom's friend "gets" it.
Good luck and let us know how it turns out.
You gals should not be having to worry about this. Life is too short. You need to be blunt with her. Some people can't be nicely told, and she sounds like one of them if you feel she may actually hunt you down there. You can try nice once, and if she makes a peep after that,then you have to become firm. Tell her no hard feelings, but this is a mother daughter trip only and you will not be able to accommodate her at all. The idea of she and your mom taking a separate trip another time is a great idea. If she can't handle this, it is her problem and not your or your mom's. Go on your trip and have fun. If she has the nerve to show up after this, you are free to tell her once again you will not be able to accommodate her on this trip then be on your way. You are not obligated for her feelings and if you tell her point blank she cannot go, the rest is up to her. I'm not trying to sound mean, but it sounds like she is a difficult person and sometimes they need to be treated much more directly.
Sorry....I just went back and reread your post and was confused so I edited .......
I suppose the honest way is just to tell her it was originally planned to be with just you girls as a gift and to spend time with her as family time. Let her know the stuff you'll be doing and what your itinerary is, maybe she'll back down on her own with her being so picky about things. Let her know you have your own agenda and she's welcome if she's willing to go along for the ride, but that you guys have a specific trip planned, like "you know, we like to get up and go down to the pool during the day before getting ready to go out at night" "are you up for that?" sort of thing. Make it sound like you wouldn't want it to be not fun for her. I know it sounds like a schiester move, but so is inviting yourself on a mother daughter trip!!!!! Good Luck ;)
L., it is so hard to feel that you are not going to hurt her feelings, but this trip is about your mom, and for your mom, planned by her two daughters. I think it was rude of her to be so pushy. You have to say the truth to her or you may regret it when you get to Las Vegas. Just tell her what you said earlier, it doesn't sound mean, and if she can't understand that, it's not your fault, you can't please everyone. Plus, this trip is costing some good money, don't allow someone to make you feel that they have this power over you, stand up for yourself and sister and mom, you will be happy when the three of you are in Vegas :) Here is a quote that I love that may also help by Steve Jobs, " Your time is so limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
Jennifer
Dear L.,
If you go back and reread your letter, you'll see you've answered your own question. You can't lie about it because the friend will find out and you'll have caused a bigger hurt to the friend and your mom that will be harder to heal. Sometimes you just have to be honest and tell her in as kind a way as you can that though she and your mom have a priceless friendship, this trip is about a very different relationship and that is the mother-daughter one. Tell her you don't want to hurt her and that's why you didn't let her know from the beginning. Mothers and daughters can be wonderful "girlfriends", but this isn't a girlfriends' trip. Believe me, it is only when you've lost your mother and can never again share time like this with her that you will understand the significance of this memory-making adventure. It sounds as though your mom is in agreement with you and doesn't want the friend on this trip, either. No doubt your mom's friend will be hurt, but if she is truly a friend who loves your mom, she will understand. If she pouts and allows this to put a permanent wedge between her and your mom, maybe she isn't the friend you all thought she was, no matter how long she's been around. I'm assuming your mom's friend is about the same age as your mom. At 60, the two of them ought to be in good enough physical condition that they can plan a trip of their own. You might suggest that to her friend so she has something else to think about. You don't have the power to determine how another person will react. Your mom's friend is the only one who can decide how she is going to perceive this.
You already know what you have to do!! Tell "friend" the truth. This is a mother/daughter trip and you are glad that she'd like to go, but this is important for you guys to have a fun family trip right now and maybe next trip, she can also come along. From what you said, she will most likely be offended, but from my experiences w/ confrontations, you will feel so much better for being honest and for getting over with! Quit dwelling on it and stressing...it is ruining what is supposed to be a fun trip and it will only hurt "friends" feelings more if you lie. YOU CAN DO IT!!! Be strong and have a great trip! Happy Birthday to your mom!
I completely agree with MOM LK response. My goodness... good luck!
L.,
You need to explain niceley to her how much you like her and enjoy her company but you planned a mother daughter only trip to spend quality timer with your mom. Also that if you allow her to come it would hurt the feelings of your spouses since they were told they could not go.
Good Luck!!
Hi L.,
You do need to tell the "friend" the truth about it being a mother daughter get away. This friend deserves the truth, and you are right that if you lie and she finds out, it will be much worse. Also, you might want to see what your mom says is the best way to approach the matter. Since she is good friends with you mom, she may have the best approach in letting her down easy and minimize the hurt feelings.
This is never an easy thing to do, but for your own conscience you need to do the right thing, that way when you next see this friend, you are not watching your "p & q"'s to ensure that no one slips up and says something regarding the trip.
Best of luck, let us know how it goes.
It doesn't sound like you can avoid hurting the friend's feelings. But try to remember that your feelings and the feelings of your mom and sister are what matters in this situation. If you don't hurt the friend's feelings, then you'll be hurting the feelings of yourself and two people you love.
You're probably a very polite young woman, and it's hard to cross over to being an assertive woman for most of us. It's a good skill to learn, though, how to be both polite and assertive at the same time.
I think you should write her or email her and explain that the birthday gift you and your sister are giving your mom is time alone in an exotic place with her two babies. Even tell her you're worried about hurting her (the friend's) feelings, but this is likely to be a once-in-a-lifetime for your mom and you girls, to have time just the three of you like you've planned.
Then insist that NO ONE tell her where you're staying, and that includes the hotel manager. Hotels in Vegas try to be very careful to respect their guests, so that shouldn't be a problem.
Good luck, and hold your head up. You need to do the right thing for your family, not for someone who may be important but is herself being rude and trying to ruin your mom's 60th birthday celebration by making it about HER instead of about your mom and you girls.
Sidebar: my daughter just went through something similar when planning for my 40th birthday, and she told the person, "Well, my mom would love to celebrate with you, so why not let her have two celebrations? You can plan one for her too that way. But this one is just for Mom, Dad, me, and my brother's family."
Just a thought, but would it be possible to have a dinner for your mom at another time before your trip and invite the friend. Then she could be included in a part of the birthday celebration.
I am sure spouses etc could keep the trip quiet for you while she is with you, and if it comes up anyway, you could maybe tell her you haven't decided when yet, but explain that you do want the trip to be a mother/daughter trip because of all the reasons you stated up above. They sounded very reasonable to me. Maybe the subject wouldn't even come up anymore if she were included in a celebration. Although, from what you said, this friend is very persistent!!
Good luck!
J.
Unfortunately, you can't control whether or not someone will have hurt feelings. I think what you said is perfect: simply tell this lady that "I'm sorry but my sister and I decided to make this an exclusive Mother-Daughter getaway. Perhaps you and Mom can go to dinner another time to celebrate -- I know she would love that!" No more explanation beyond that. If the lady is crazy and tries to convince you in changing you plans, don't get into it with her. Simply say (with sympathy), "I'm so sorry you are disappointed, Gladys. We know how much your friendship means to Mom and hope you will celebrate her birthday with her separately."
If the lady decides to be hurt anyway, at least she will be upset at you and your sister, instead of your Mom!
Let us know what happened!!
Hi L. This is another L.. I have a live were everyone else tries to run it. This year my son's birthday was planned to go to a museum and have a day to ourselves. I was supercided into going to someone else's birthday party and a religious meeting before the party. We did take my brother and one daughter to the dinner of my son's choice. I am tired of friends thinking they can join in my plans or take over my life. I have gotten ugly in the last to years about it. I do not like to fight. I was to depressed to fight the last battle over my son's birthday. I knew my mom really want to do what my friend had in mind.
I do tell people no because I was very sick and I only have so much energy. Tell her the truth. We NEVER have time alone with mother and that is what we need to have. I know you are an old friend but you are not invited. Why don't you plan some thing special for all of us when we get back. Some place we have never been in the area. A day trip outing. Put her in charge of it. That way you have a special time with your mother and sister. She will feel special planning something for all of you also. Hopefully that will fix everything.
Good luck
What does your mom think? If this were my mom - she should be the one to just say to her friend - "sorry - this is a treat from my daughters - just us this time..." Be honest and straight right away - If your mom cant do this - you are just going to have be as forward as possible. If it causes hurt feelings - at least you'll have a good trip. Nothing will ruin your trip more - then having to look over your shoulder wondering if shes going to show up. Do it over the phone and do it fast. The sooner the better.
