How Much Is Too Much? - Saginaw,MI

Well, It's the MILs family. So, you can't really make the call to cut them out of all family gatherings, especially ones at her house. Sometimes you are going to have to suck it up. However, if you are the hostess or co-hostess, you do have the ability to control the guest list for that event. For things like the upcoming event, I would tell MIL - "we want to have a small, intimate family dinner with just the immediates, due to ...space, availability, budget," whatever reasons you can use to justify. Maybe you could try..."We really just want to have a more intimate dinner to honor you, just us kids" or something to that affect. That makes it sound more like you are honoring her, rather than dissing her family.

This may seem like the wrong advice...but often times the War's solve the problem. The war will either weed out the ones you don't seem to want there anyway or its will bring to light issues the perhaps are perceived the incorrect way.
It may be time for everyone to talk and find out if the problem is real or perceived, and lay down a new way of handling family gatherings.

Life is too short for stupid drama!
Take your MIL and FIL out to brunch--or lunch--or dinner--whatever works out to be NOT the time the extended family will be there---even dinner the evening before! Then you can enjoy YOUR mother's day with YOUR kids!

Honestly, I would try to see MIL and FIL outside of these gatherings. There is no point in being somewhere that isn't fun and creates chaos and drama for your family. If you think this would work better, try it! If the other family doesn't understand,too bad! You have to do what is right for you and your family. Best wishes!

M

I would go to breakfast/lunch or dinner with them and forget the drama. They can do something with the rest of the family before or after. Maybe breakfast is better so they are hungry for their dinner out if the others still go. After years of drama I have decided which events I am going to and which I prefer not to go to. I am happier this way although I wish I had one close sibling to do things with. We are so different that I feel akward being around them for a long period of time. Or invite her over for brunch. That way they can't intrude (hopefully).

First of all, learn from it, as to what you do not want, which is to get into WW3.
At any cost. Too much family can create drama.
But as this is your and your SILs' offer for MIL, you're under no obligation to drag aunts and uncles etc. An intimate dinner. Let the rest of the family take their own perspective moms out.
I see no logical reason why anyone should be offended if you take your mom (inlaw) out. And there is no reason, except for your own schedules, why you should have to accomodate the rest of the extended families and plan around them. Go out on Mothers Day.

If you want to have a special time with your mother-in-law for Mother's Day, have a celebration the Friday or Saturday night before. If you try to do it the day of, it will be seen as an attempt to cut the others out (which it is) and will definitely cause more drama, not less. If you do your own thing, you should still put in a brief appearance at the larger family gathering but shouldn't feel obligated to do more than drop by (as long as you let your in-laws know ahead of time that this is your plan, assuming they know how you feel about the other issues).

If I understand correctly, you like your husband's mother, father, brothers, and sisters-in-law. You don't so much like your mother-in-law's sisters? If that's the case, I don't know why you couldn't have a mother's day even with just your in-laws, your husband's brothers and their families. I don't think that would be weird or anything. Don't your husband's aunts have families of their own that they would celebrate mother's day with? I would just plan something small for the immediate family and leave it at that.

It is so wonderful that you get along very well with your in laws. I sure wish I could say the same for me. Just had a horrible, and probably last, conversation with my brother's wife. I will pray for her though as she is in a very bad place.

Anyway, mother's day is about your mom and your mother-in-law. Not about aunts, cousins, etc.

Life is about being happy so if you can't be happy around your husband's aunts, uncles and cousins don't. Just say you want a smaller gathering this time.

Family is family, and you can not exclude certain members you like less! If you want a private dinner that is great, but it may have to be on the day before or after.

I'm wondering what your husband thinks should be done. If the birth children make the decision, it will go over better. You could try to institute a new tradition but you'll have to decide if it's worth the trouble it will cost. I think at these gatherings what's going to rule is what makes the most powerful family members happy. If that's your MIL, then she should decide.

Personally I would just take your MIL and forget them. If they bring it up i would say, "Oh I am sooo sorry, I didn't know you wanted to see my MIL instead of you mom... " I would let that just trail off at that point and not engage them in a fight. If they really want to talk about it just say, "your poor mom..." over and over... acting like you might tear up... and walk away.

I would take them out and have it be your gift. How the rest of the family chooses to gift MIL for Mother's Day is between them. I think if they are that frantic about being excluded, you're going to anger them sometime no matter what you do or don't do.

I would sit down with MIL and your husbands, SILs and talk. Tell her you love her and want to have a special day with just her. If she complains that she wants the whole family there, let her know that the other relatives are causing too much drama, and you will not be comfortable being there with them. You're willing to do something with her and plan around her schedule and what SHE wants to do, but you'd rather not be with the drama folks.

This will definitely cause tension, and it might make things worse so you need to decide if its worth it. If its that bad of a situation, then maybe it is worth it. If not, then try to make the best of gatherings with the whole family, and if they bring up drama, change the subject or ask them politely to not discuss that. If they can't be respectful of you by keeping the drama in check, then it might be worth disassociating yourself from them. Or keeping the family gatherings down to a minimum.

Best wishes, I know this is sticky. Hope it works out!

I would do like a previous poster suggested and say you want to take them out to dinner for the holiday but you know they like to spend it with your mother in laws family so what night would "they" like to go out with you and the sister in laws. I would hate having to have all of both sides of the family all the time.

Try to plan something with just your immediate in-laws even if it means doing it later than usual or earlier than usual in order to work around avoiding the extraneous "extra" relatives and make the reservations yourselves.

i had this very situation with a cousin of my husband's who called to take me to task for not invited all the extended family to a christmas gathering. i reminded her that we do have the entire clan over at times. she said 'that's okay, i forgive you, just make sure we don't get left out again.' so i had to clarify that i wasn't apologizing, simply making myself clear. that we reserve the right to get together with some family members and not others at times. that it wasn't about love, but convenience and proximity. and that no, we weren't planning on changing that. once everything was clear, it was fine. whatever drama arose from it did so outside of my consciousness. and that's all i want.
:) khairete
S.