How Do You Split Your Holidays??

I have had a hard time in the past with this in my family. My mom and stepdad are in TN, my father and his wife in Fl, and my inlaws in MA. We live in RI ,so usually we do christmas with my inlaws. However, last year, I decided to do Christmas eve with my husbands RI family, and christmas morning at my house. Then later we went up to MA to be with his immediate family. My MIL, at first was upset because we always stayed the night on the eve, and spent all of christmas day with her.

This year, I am going to TN for Christmas. I haven't spent it with my mom in so long. My MIL insisted that when we get back we do another christmas with her. That's fine.

Thanksgivings are always here, and my family knows they are always welcome to come here for the holidays. It gets just to hard and expensive to travel everywhere else and please everyone else all the time!

I wish holidays were that easy for us. We are always driving/flying somewhere to see family on either/both Thanksgiving and Christmas. We are always at the mercy of someone else's home, hearth, schedule, misgivings, temperaments, laziness, drama, lack of manners...and it does get tiring. If we don't travel, noone will come to see us b/c they can't afford it and they are too selfish.

But you know what? It makes everyone feel better when we come and that is SO worth it for us. Both sides of our families have suffered terrible terrible tragedies and losses and we know first hand the importance every minute together. For my husband, son and I, our holidays aren't about us - its about others, even if it means giving up our time for family. I know I can sleep at night knowing I am doing something for them, even if its the simple (or not so simple and expensive) act of just showing up.

If anything, they feed us good food. Not a bad deal for me :)

I'm more your parents' age than yours, so I'll answer from that standpoint. When my children were little, we nearly always had Christmas at home, because we didn't have any other relatives nearby! I understand what you're saying, though, because I've had friends who have had to deal with the situation.

So when our children grew up, we made a policy: Anyone who wants to celebrate Christmas together can do it at our house - and please give advance notice so there will be food enough for all.

However, they're *welcome* to come - they're not obliged to come! Sometimes they are too far away. Sometimes they have other plans. Sometimes they just don't want to. That's all right. I'm going to have a merry Christmas whether they come or not.

This seems to be generally acceptable, and there are variations on the main theme. For instance, when one son had surgery just before the holidays and couldn't travel in a car for two hours, Christmas was at their house and we brought the dinner (and cleaned up). Christmas dinner has sometimes been hamburgers and fries instead of turkey and dressing. It's always an adventure, but I'm pleased that it seems to go pretty well every year, without hard feelings that I know of.

This Christmas, one daughter will be several thousand miles away. Two other children and their families will get together with us, not at our house but at one of their homes. Another son and his family may be there (they usually spend a few days with DIL's family up through Christmas morning and then come to our house for a couple of days), but DIL's father is very ill; if they want to change their plans and stay with her parents, that's fine. It changes every year.

Plan your day the way it works best for your family. Make sure all of you enjoy it (no bitterness allowed). Then visit the relatives with gifts in your arms and smiles on your faces. Letting them see the joy you all have in your new arrangement is a big way to help them accept - and eventually enjoy - it.

We get together at my MIL's on Christmas Eve. On Christmas morning, we rotate having my parents come to our house or our MIL, from year to year. We open presents and have a big breakfast. We decline to go anywhere on Christmas day .

Once our child was born, I made it clear (nicely) to both families that we would be starting our own family traditions (which definitely included Mother's Day; my husband couldn't care less about what we do on Father's Day). Previously, we had run around to three different houses on holidays and it was ridiculous.

Our family lives locally, so we have the luxury of seeing them year-round.

My aunt, the "matriarch" in our family, started creating legislative holidays to avoid exactly this type of situation, some 10+ years ago, when the older of my generations got married and had to start divvying up time between inlaws.

My Aunt hosts 35 people at her house for all the major holidays. Tired of having people come early, and not eat much, or come late, and only have dessert etc. The F. B. family Thanksgiving is sometimes the Sunday before, or sometimes the Sunday after, the same is true for Christmas, Easter, and other major holidays.

It means that when we get together, we can enjoy the food company and festivities without any pressure.

Let go of the Calendar and you too can have a great time.

HUBS and I host a brunch the morning after a holiday fete. Coffee, tea, juice, mimosas, toast, eggs, and something sweet (like cin buns). starts approx 10am, everyone leaves by noon. We have done our turn at "hosting", its easy, inexpensive, and fun.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I say it's time YOU become a control freak and do YOUR holidays YOUR way!! When I first got married my MIL wanted ALL the holidays! My parents were willing to give them up but I said NO WAY!!! Considering I was closer to my parents than my husband is to his, there was no way I was giving up being with my family. Anyways, we have always spent Christmas Eve with my family and then Christmas afternoon/evening with the in-laws. Christmas morning didn't get screwed up at all. If that is a problem for all involved, then too bad.

Growing up we always had our Christmas around the 23rd so we could be with one set of Grandparents on Christmas Eve and the other on Christmas Day. Worked out great!!! I never cared that we didn't have our Christmas in the morning; got to sleep late!! lol!!

(By the way - my MIL lost totally on Thanksgiving because she was such a Witch about it! I would have a big dinner for my side of the family and she would do her own thing with her husband and other kids. Both my parents are gone now but I still refuse to give in! Now it's my turn to be the Witch for awhile!! I may give in next year only because I'm tired of doing all the cooking but she'll never know why!! lol!!)

Good Luck and Merry Christmas!!!!

Sounds fine to me. We are doing Christmas with my parents this year (they are local) and it's the exact same thing - we won't be arriving until after our son has had his nap. They are fine with it - my mother was adamant that we do what works best for us. She understands that the world doesn't revolve around her as grandma and I am so thankful for that. It makes her so easy to be around and we actually WANT to spend lots of time with her and my dad.
Happy holidays!

I think what you are planning is excellent!!!! Too bad that they will be bummed. YOu have three kids and that's the way it is. Stick with your plan.

We do something similar. My parents have moved closer to us so it has really helped with the festivities. My Mom's birthday is Christmas Eve so that is alwasy a sore spot. But Christmas Eve we celebrate with My husbands family and Christmas Day we open presents and set the tradition with our kids and then we have dinner with my parents and enjoy birthday cake. The day after Christmas we have a gathering at our house.

I think way to many people get grumpy and up in arms about traveling tis time of year. YES it's time consuming, but honestly. the kids love it (if my daughter didn't then i'd reevaluate) but its important for her to know family is what the holidays are all about. I loved visiting family on holidays when I was little! Sure I pouted about leaving my toys but the second I saw my cousins I could care less. People do this way to much think of reasons to make holidays less family oriented. Afterall if you have thanksgiving at your home with J. your family its J. another dinner, but if you have a grand one with relatives its filled with memories and laughter. The same for Christmas, atleast as far as I'm concerned. Sure its tiring and no real time to relax, but I can do that another day.
On Christmas eve, my daughter will go to my ex's parents house, I'll drop her off and hang for a little then go and wrap and put things together. He will drop her off after to sleep at her home with M..
Christmas day-presents at my house, and her dad and my boyfriend will be there, then off to my bf's mom's house , then to my moms an hour and 1/2 away from his mom's, then at the end of the night to my ex's parents house, then she'll sleep at her dads and he'll give her one last present!
Oh and this weekend is my bf's families party...sure its busy, but I wouldn't want to miss seeig anyone
OH and then a week after christmas, back to my parets to celebrate with my brothers kids, he has primary custody and they go to their moms 8 hours away on Holidays

I think that what you propose is totally reasonable. Growing up, we always spent the morning and hosted dinner at our house because my mother's siblings had no one else to celebrate with (no kids, deceased parents, small apartments) and then we went to my grandparents' house on my dad's side in the evening to see aunts, uncles and cousins.

My husband is Jewish so we don't have to split the day. We host dinner for my family (and any of my ILs who want to come, like my husband's grandmother) on Christmas Eve, then have Christmas morning at home, have dinner at my parents' house in the afternoon with her siblings and my siblings/nieces and then in the evening we go to my aunt's house to see my grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins.

This was a fight that my parents went thru and unfortunately got passed down to me. My dads family is Italian so Christmas eve is the big deal and my great grandmother started the tradition on my moms side for Christmas eve also. I always remember leaving early in the morning and not getting home till midnight Christmas eve.
I didnt want to do the same thing with my children. So for a few years I did the constant running around. Now its Christmas eve with my grandparents and every other year we end that night at either my MIL or my parents. Then on Christmas day over other year, we let the kids get up open gifts then head to my parents, or I cook at home and have my MIL over. Then every couple years when its my MILs turn for Christmas day we let the kids open up their gifts and drive 2 hours to Cleveland to see my husbands great grandparents. I get then at least every other year get to enjoy time at home Christmas day.

Our plan is almost identical with yours. My family gets Christmas Eve. My brother and my parents are local. My SIL and I will do the cooking (in my mom's kitchen so we don't have to clean our homes to get ready for family). The cousins will play with the grandparents and the dads/uncles. The moms/dads/aunts/uncles and cousins will go to Mass. We will return to my parents house for dinner and presents.

Christmas morning will be just us. Open presents, lazy breakfast, play with toys. We will leave for my in-laws around noon. Our youngest should sleep in the car (we hope) or at least have 2 hours of down time. We'll stay the night at their house and spend the day with them. Since they live 2 hours away this really makes sense for all of us.

I really don't mind the travel. We always traveled 7 hours to my grandparents house for 3 or 4 days of Christmas fun with my cousins. It was something we looked forward to every year. I really want that for my kids. My parents chose to do our family Christmas the night before we left. My dad always "asked Santa" to please come early that year. We would have the evening to open presents and relax together. We would leave early the next morning (life 4 am).

It is such a blessing to have some quiet time with just your family. If it brings too much conflict, you could try doing an earlier Christmas with just your family, but I happen to like your plan.

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

Just want to tell you that your plan sounds great, so stick to it!
In our big family, the same people ( our children, grandchildren, and friends) have been coming here on Christmas Eve for 30+ years....
We have the same foods and people bring them, and my husband and I do a few of them...we eat, sing carols, children open presents, and we have a gift-go-round for the adults....lots of laughs and fun...usually 35-40 people...hope you have a calm day...

Being married to a person who was in the military for 20 plus years we didn't always get home for Christmas. I think we made it home twice. We just substituted many other military families and friends for family and made a great day.

Sometimes having a lot of close family does not make for a family holiday.

We are finally having a family Christmas at our house. My son got married almost 3 years ago and it has been a battle between them as to whose house they should go to. Her family is in Colorado and we are in New Mexico. Our daughter won't be able to join us because of work. She says that since it is just another day she will have Christmas later.

It is all in what you make of the season. I love the songs and the stores brightly decorated with music playing in the background. I really miss New York City this time of the year with the window displays and Rockerfeller Center with the ice rink to skate on. I also miss the Christmas Markets in Europe with all their wares out in booths and music playing and snow and such.

As I get older, I am happy to enjoy the memories and to live each day to the fullest. I am happy, healthy, have a home and a husband and two wonderful children and a grandson and a new grandpuppy to meet. Our neighbor is alone this year so we will cheer him up with some homemade goodies like homemade BBQ sauce and a visit. Our waitresses at IHOP will get a surprise this weekend and a few others.

So make the best of the day. Do what you want and enjoy.

Happy holidays to all.

The other S.

On Thanksgiving, we go to my mother's house. On Christmas, my husband visits with his son at his ex-wife's house and then comes back home. About a week or so before Christmas, his cousins host a fun party that we enjoy.

We like to have the holidays as times when we do not have to set the alarm or do any running around on a schedule. People assume that having a baby now will change that for me. Um, no.

Christmas Eve we go to my in laws parents house for dinner and gift exchange. Christmas morning we open gifts then around noon go to my parents house. This works well for us and gets it all done within two days. My hubby works weekends so trying to schedule our holidays with in laws on a day other than Christmas Eve or Christmas Day would mean he'd have to ask off for more time! One thing I NEVER had growing up was grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins close by. So that is one thing we love about living close to family.

Christmas Eve we spend time and exchange gifts with my Dad. Christmas morning we open presents here then around 11:30 we have our Christmas Brunch and gift exchange with our Kids and Grandkids then later in the day we have Dinner and Gift Exchange with my sister's, their family's and our Family which sometimes includes my MIL. When my kids were little it was Christmas Eve with my Dad, then off to my Aunt and Uncle, Grandma and Grandpa, Then 3 more Aunt and Uncles, my Step Dads Family and my In Laws, Christmas morning with my family at home then off to my Mom's or to my sisters for dinner and gifts. I loved all of the hurrying and seeing everyone. I made sure we spent time with everyone that lived near us for Christmas. To me it is about seeing family, laughing and sharing love. I miss it now that my kids are grown but we so enjoy having them all here and if I had my way they would spend a week here with us. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

We decided very early on that running around from house to house on any holiday wasn't enjoyable or productive for anyone - and that was before we had DD. Thanksgiving is one year with my family, one year with his family and I almost always cook the meal. I have 2 sisters - 1 of which is with me all the time I'm with my family and the other alternates with her in laws so we're not always together at Thanksgiving, but that's fine.

Christmas turned out to be easier. My family's big celebration has always been Christmas Eve so my entire family is always together on that night. My husband's family doesn't really do anything on Christmas Eve and we take turns (somewhat) hosting Christmas Day dinner. For us, Christmas day is always a little rushed. We open presents in the morning, eat breakfast and get to church by 10 am. I sing in my church's band so there's no wiggling out of it. Church is usually over by about 12 and then we head to my MIL's or SIL's house for dinner at about 2 pm. Last year I tried to host dinner for hubby's family on Christmas day because his father had just passed away. It didn't go well and I was miserable. I don't intend to do that any time soon - it's just too hard to get an early dinner on the table when we've been at church. Eating later isn't an option because one SIL lives over an hour away and she likes to get on the road early to head back home.

Your idea of Christmas day sounds great. You deserve to enjoy the holiday too. You're entitled to have your own traditions and jammies for part of the day along with a needed nap for baby sounds about right.

I think your Christmas Eve and Day plan is great. I bet the other siblings would love to do the same, and you just are the first to have the nerve!

If your inlaws want to be part of something on Christmas morning, maybe they could come over mid-morning to play with your baby before lunch and naptime.

My parents divorced the same year I got married, and I lost some of the holiday attachment. Both my parents live about fiour hours away so there is no pressure for us to take our four little kids up there for the holidays. And they both still work atypical job schedules, so it doesn't work well to see them on actual holidays. But my in laws are in town and they are great. We will spend Christmas Eve at church and their house, then invite them over about mid morning.

I think things will be fine for you! Have fun and Merry Christmas!

We do the odd years at my moms for xmas day but not till 3 or 5. We have xmas eve with the in-laws on the odd years or the day after xmas. On the Even years, its xmas day with the in-laws around 1:00ish and then xmas eve with my parents. It works good this way but my MIL always tries to say its her turn for xmas day every year. She tries to use every excuse imaginable. I swap my SIL for hosting so this year I'm hosting xmas eve with the inlaws.

The ENTIRE family comes to our house on Christmas Eve (we used to go to my mom's, but she passed the torch to me when I had kids). We have a huge celebration with food, gifts, music and fun! Everyone loves it, and no one complains about driving or wanting to move it to a different location. I figure it will be at my house until I want to pass the torch to someone else.

Then on Christmas Day it's just my husband, kids, and I. Lovely! :)

We alternate families for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve is subject to change every year--just depends. Christmas Day, we enjoy our morning at home, then go to my in-laws, then over to my mom's for the evening, usually.