How Do You Explain a Step Parent to Your 6 Year Old?

My oldest son and step-daughter were 5 when my husband (soon to be ex at this point) and I got married and the first of their two younger brothers came along less than a year later. Although we didn't move away from family, for my son, life went from just him and I together in a comfortable little apartment to me, him, his new dad (never had contact with his bio father), a new sister, and a new baby brother living in a house - and starting kindergarten - in a short period of time.

It was a big transition for everyone, just like your family change is a big change for you little guy. His world is upside-down, and he's right - if you hadn't gotten married, it would still be the two of you with your family and whatever contact he had with his father. His perception of the change is accurate.

If I were you, I would focus on acknowledging his feelings and emphasize the positives. Things like "yes, a lot has changed but now our family is growing and there are even more people to love each other" or "we did choose to move, but our new home is [bigger, prettier, has a yard..whatever]." I'm assuming that you moved to improve the quality of your life and are in a better position now than before, so share that repeatedly.

Regarding the comment about not having a dad at home, tread carefully here. This is a sign that he doesn't feel like your husband is his dad, and you have to validate that. Instead of coming across as "yes, you have a dad at home too, it's [DH's name]" I would acknowledge that he misses his dad but that like lots of other families, you have one where there are two dads to love him - his biological father and his step-father - and that over time, you'll all feel more like a family.

I would also make sure that you are spending some 1:1 time with your son and keeping up some routines from when you were single. I used to go out to dinner (something cheap, either a burger or pizza) on Friday nights with my son. After I got married, Friday nights were still mother-son dinner nights for a while. That was our sacred time to reconnect and have some time together without everyone else in the family competing for my attention.

Finally, I would recommend some family counseling as you go through this transition. I regret that we didn't do that earlier and proactively as we were blending our households and starting our family. In retrospect, it might have saved us from a lot of pain and heartache to move forward with guidance and have a 3rd party help us to navigate the choppy waters together. Although we both had kids, and had been friends then dated then engaged for a total of 3 years before marrying, we had vastly different approaches and expectations and those became apparent after we were all in one house. My son suffered the most out of all of us and it took years to really earn his trust back. Hopefully you married a great guy who will work every day towards earning your son's trust and bonding with him!

Read JB's response a few times. She's been there.

I think you tell your son that you understand his feelings, and that it's normal to find change difficult. I think you have to pay attention to the reason he looks for "negative attention" and also be very careful about the word "always" - it's very loaded. Psychologists will tell you it's not a good idea to use it when arguing or disciplining. It becomes a label and a child especially will think it's "who he is."

Do carve out mom/son time, which I know is hard with a new baby. But any marriage has to do that, new or long-standing.

I think your son's reaction to missing family in general (bio dad, your family) and his friends is totally understandable. What's probably not accurate is his statement that "everyone has a dad at home" - because they don't. Maybe his best friends to, but far from everyone. I'd get some good books from the children's librarian that emphasize all kinds of families - step, foster, grandparents, two-mom, two-dad, single mom, single dad, etc.

Be very careful about putting your husband in the role of "parent" - there's no good way to say that without saying "your bio dad is out of the picture" - because you son will blame you and his stepfather for that, even though his bio dad hasn't been a constant figure. So you should do the parenting because your husband is NOT the father. He's got some role as an adult in the household, but I'd go very slowly on putting him on an equal footing with you. Do not try to make your husband into his dad because you think that will get rid of the feeling that he doesn't have one. It won't. He has a dad - his father lives far away.

What you can talk about is the fun times he will have as he gets older and can travel to or see his father for longer periods of time, and you can assure your son that his father can see him often (if that's the case). Remind your son that he has always spent more time with you, and that won't change. You can explain in simple terms why you are always working to make his life better, and sometimes families move to make that happen, even if it's hard to begin with. You might mention that military families, among others, move a lot, and kids get to see the world and new parts of the country. Get some books on this subject as well, although I don't think your reading time with him always has to have a message or a lesson in it.

It's also okay to acknowledge that a new baby can be kind of a pain in the beginning - whether it's a stepfamily or not - and say that it will get easier when the baby is more fun and communicative. But you raised your son when he was kind of a pain too, and you're doing the same thing with this baby.

i'd start by NOT over-explaining. keep it simple, and keep it positive.

for starters, lose the tendency to say things like, 'my son ALWAYS looks for negative attention.' he probably does, sometimes. but he's surely looking for positive attention, and resorting to negative because he's only 6 and doesn't yet have good coping skills.

you won't help him develop them by focusing on his reactive behavior. he's only 6, and has had a lot to cope with. he's got a new father figure, a new sibling, and a new home. that would be a lot for someone a lot more mature and experienced than your little boy.

you can't explain away his natural disconnection and confusion and sadness. jealousy doesn't respond to logic.

instead of explaining, let him know he's heard. when he says he wished it were just you and him, don't cheerlead his 'new family.' say 'it sounds like you're missing the days when you and i had more time just with each other.' if you can carve out some one on one with him, do it, but if it's absolutely impossible, at the very very least let him know that his sadness and confusion are heard and understood.

don't push the stepdad as 'oh you actually do have a dad at home.' he's clearly not there yet. a better response would be 'you're missing your daddy, aren't you? i'm betting some of your school friends miss theirs too. shall we write him a letter? maybe you can draw a picture of the two of you together.' acknowledge without a lot of psychoanalyzing that he hasn't yet put your husband into the father position, and let your small son mourn the loss of his birth father in his daily life, even if it's a crappy father and it wasn't daily.

his feelings are real.

give him time, and give him understanding. that doesn't mean you let go of boundaries of courteous behavior. but you, and even more your husband, have to let him express himself, and be supportive and positive while he sorts through the bewildering emotions he's experiencing.
khairete
S.

Is it possible your son feels "left out"?
I know that step parents at times may hesitate to over step their boundaries or come across as they are trying to replace a parent. But I would suggest your husband talk with your son, often. And I say, I am so happy to be part of your life, and I want you to know you can count on me to be here for you anytime you need me.
Your son may be young to grasp this, but I would also suggest your husband say to him that he is not trying to take his Dad's place, but wants to be there for him, and loves him just as much as the baby. And that you are all a family.
Sadly the absentee parent can often become the "hero" in the child's eyes because they so desperately want attention and acceptance from that parent, they only see what they wish to have.
I would tell your son, that he actually has two Dad's now. Both who love him very much and want the best for him.
He probably won't realize until he's older that his biological Dad wasn't there for him like he should have been before you left state. My guess is his "Dad" had to agree to let you move you out of state with him?
Give your son time, and a lot of reassurance. From BOTH of you.

Um, the thing is - he's not really wrong.
With out you re-marrying his life wouldn't have changed that much.

Divorced and remarried aside - this is a pretty typical reaction to any new baby in the house.
He's been deposed as the baby of the family and with all the other changes - his world has been rocked to it's foundations.
An attention stealing baby sibling is enough to make any kid feel like chopped liver.

He doesn't need an explanation - you show him by example and with your actions - and actions speak louder than words.

Make sure you and step dad have some one on one time with him every week.
While one parent stays home with baby - the other take big brother out to lunch and do the grocery shopping, etc.
Tell him what a good big brother he is - although with the age difference they probably won't be playing together much.
He is NOT built in baby sitting - when he is 13 and baby sibling is 7.
Don't force them to be together all the time.
He should have friends his own age and go on play dates - and have a friend over once in awhile too.
When people come to visit and immediately start cooing over the baby - steer the conversation to your 6 yr old - have him tell them how school is going - don't let anyone pretend he doesn't exist.

I don't have step kids, but have friends and a sibling who does. I can share what worked for them (and what didn't).

I'm just confused about this part "My 6 year old is always looking for negative attention". Not sure what you mean - is he misbehaving and acting up all the time you mean?

The other bit of info that would help shed light on things today is - how long has step dad been in picture and how has that gone, do they get along, is step dad really involved with son, etc.

I'm just wondering where the negative behavior (if I'm reading that correctly) stems from. I get he's upset from the move - that would be hard for any 6 year old (as is welcoming a new baby, that's hard at that age especially as they feel mom/dad are not as available for them and they've hit that really busy interests/school age stage). But was there a problem adjusting to your husband before when he was just your boyfriend, first?

ETA - Great advice JB - your insight is really helpful to others

I think a lot of this has to do with your husband. How much time does he spend with your son, really bonding with him? Does your son feel loved by and secure with your husband, or is does he just see him as "the new baby's daddy?"
This isn't really your role but your husband's role. I would hope that when you were married your son was made to feel very special and loved by your husband, and that he is constantly reminding your son that you are all one family now.
You can't really "explain" anything to a six year old, you need to show it and live it, every single day.
And of course your son is sad to have been moved away from everything he knows and (in his mind) replaced by a new baby. This is going to take time and commitment from his step father, I hope he's up to the task.