Do My Feelings Make Me an "Evil" Stepmom?

Updated on June 30, 2016
C.A. asks from Rock Springs, WY
17 answers

A little bit of background, I've been a stepmom for close to 3 years now, to two fantastic boys ages 7 and 11. I have greatly enjoyed being a stepmom to them. I never planned on having any of my own, but at 42, we both got a HUGE surprise when I got pregnant naturally. I now have a gorgeous 5 month old baby girl who is the apple of my eye. There is nothing on this planet I wouldn't do for her, whereas horrible as this may sound while I would fight for and fiercely protect the boys, I honestly don't know that I'd die for them. :-/ I don't want it to sound like I have neglected my stepsons since her birth at all, I'm good to them, care about them and take an active role in their lives. I imagined that my more powerful feelings toward my daughter were natural, but have a close friend and also a sister who have both biological and step and they fiercely proclaim to love them the same...which leaves me feeling quite guilty. I don't want to be that "wicked" stepmother, and plan to make every effort to hide my feelings from the kids and to at least treat the 3 of them equally to my grave. But I'm just hoping I'm not alone in not feeling the same depth of love for my stepsons that I do for my own daughter.:-/ Are there any moms in the same boat? Should I feel guilty? Am I a monster?

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J.S.

answers from St. Louis on

You are probably already making your feelings known. I have four kids, all mine, all the same dad, and even they feel I treat one better, love one more, than the other from time to time. Add to that you actually do prefer one, no way it isn't already obvious to those boys.

I would wonder though if you are not mistaking her age, her neediness, for a more deep love. I was always more protective of my kids when they were young and helpless than when they were older and independent. It isn't that I love my kids less as they get older but that they just don't need me as much. I mean burning building I am going to grab the one that can't walk, has smaller lungs, because I could then walk to the others and say get the hell out. I wouldn't leave a single one in a burning building but I would grab the one that needs help the most, first.

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J.B.

answers from Boston on

First of all, most parents are head over heels for their newborns. It's biological and prevents us from walking away from them when they are screaming and poopy and miserable. So a lot of what you are feeling is backed by hormones and biology. The intensity wears off over time. The same thing would happen if you had three biological children...you have to be intensely in love with a newborn because she is so needy and it might feel like you're favoring the newborn, but you wouldn't really be. There is also an inherent narcissism in biological parenting...everything you love about your baby on an unconscious level reflects back positively on how you feel about yourself...either you recognize positive traits that you feel come from you, or from your spouse (affirming your good decision to choose him) . Again, this isn't conscious but it is part of what is unique about raising biological children. Plus, there is the exclusivity of bio children - they belong only to you and your spouse, there is no other parent in the equation, etc.

All that said...I think that someone who doesn't acknowledge that they feel any differently about their biological and step children is delusional or a good liar. Of course their feelings and attachment with their bio children are different and more intense than they are for step children. I love my SD, but I'm not her only mother. I'm the extra parent. My relationship with her is unique and special and different from my relationship with my bio kids and her relationship with her dad and bio mom, and acknowledging that doesn't diminish the value of our relationship in any way.

You are not a monster - just be conscious of your bias and be careful to treat them all fairly. It will also be tempting to treat your daughter differently because she is a girl and is the youngest. Nothing wrong with mother-daughter bonding, but make sure that as she grows up she doesn't get the princess treatment from you or your husband or get raised in a way that causes her brothers to resent her.

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

An attention stealing baby will always make the older kids feel like chopped liver no matter whether they are step kids or not.
You still need one on one time with the other kids to maintain relationships.
I think your feelings are normal as far as how adults are programmed to fall in love with infants.
Just strive to keep a balance between yourself and all the kids.

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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

You feel what you feel. It's how you act that counts.

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D..

answers from Miami on

You need to stop over-analyzing and thinking about this. Just enjoy the children. These boys can be a wonderful help with this baby and she will adore her big brothers, the older she gets. The way that this happens is for you to share this baby with them. If you hoard this baby because she's "too important", then you will cause a lack of love between siblings. Please don't do that to them. It will also show them that you don't love them as much.

Stop thinking about "to your grave" and look at life right now, right along with those boys, and enjoy the baby.

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S.T.

answers from Houston on

Lose the labels. Love is love; it multiples but never divides. There are seasons to loving any person. I love my stepdaughter and my two biological sons. Full stop. It was hard to grow love for my stepdaughter, though. There were many, many hurdles in our relationship; I kept the focus and trusted I would love her. I do now completely and without hesitation love my stepdaughter. Also full stop. However, it took me eight years of hard work to say that I love her. I had to acknowledge my feelings regarding my stepdaughter which at times were not very nice. But I never acted out my feelings; I worked through them internally. Stepparenting is a hard road to walk and at times enormously thankless and misunderstood. The greatest gift I could give myself as a (step)mother was patience and kindness with myself. As a parent I won't get everything right about any of my children. In the process I gave myself permission to feel how I felt without guilt. My stepdaughter, though, is my child and I would do anything for any of my children equally and with love. It took time and room to grow as a mom and as a person to be the stepmother and mother I want and need to be. My role changes all the time with all of my children; that is parenting.

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I agree with everyone else who points out that how you feel about your kids (all your kids, however they came to you) is dynamic. It changes over time - sometimes moment by moment. When your daughter is an 7 year old, if you love and protect her the same way you do now, you will be doing her a disservice.

What is important is that you decide on parenting principles, and apply them equally to all kids. If your general principle is that kids have to accept the natural consequences of their actions, that needs to apply to all the kids. No special rules for any particular kid (age-appropriate rules/consequences are fine, but if you expected your son at age 4 to do XYZ on his own, then when your daughter is age 4, you should expect her to do XYZ on her own as well).

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

I agree with JB. I'm a stepmother of 2 and a mother of 1. The feelings that start when you have a vulnerable infant are very powerful, even primal. Some of this has to do with the biological and hormonal factors involved in pregnancy and birth, but I imagine many adoptive moms of infants will experience a great deal of the intense protectiveness as well. Your stepsons came into your life later - you didn't have the experience of parenting them from the get-go. Assuming they have a mother and you share visitation (which you don't specify so perhaps I am wrong), you are the bonus mom, and not the only one who participated in their raising. Even your language is a giveaway, and typical of stepparents: "I take an active role in their lives." That's not a phrase that any of us use for our children (bio or adopted) but only for stepchildren. So the dynamics of the relationship are different. Perhaps if you had married your husband as a widower with an infant son, it would be much more intense than it is now - but that's not what happened. And even so, there would be a mother in the child's past even if he were too young to remember her.

I'd like to see all of us, as women, agree to lose the vocabulary like "wicked stepmother" and "step monster" that come from fairy tales and movies. It's negative toward stepmothers, and it gives us a label to slap on ourselves as we beat ourselves up.

As your daughter gets older, she will be more independent, as your stepsons are now. Your relationship with her will change, grow, evolve. You'll start to separate more and more (not love her less, just give her more space). Even older bio siblings feel resentful of new babies who upset the family balance, demand intense care, and add to parental exhaustion. So if you see jealousy or resentment in the boys, that's TOTALLY NORMAL and not a reflection of you. There's a huge age difference, and they aren't going to be friends who share playtime.

I think involving them in each other's lives is fine, but I don't think they should be responsible for her. There will be times when you should get a babysitter for her and go do "big kid" stuff with them. There will be times when you pack her into a Snugli and go to their activities. There will be times when they have to adapt to a baby or toddler who needs to leave the beach early to go get a nap, or who has a short attention span, or who prevents them from going on a ride for which everyone must be "this tall" - and that's all okay. I think it's beneficial for older kids to see how much of a pain babies are, actually! Between their fears and tantrums and equipment and expense...good life lessons for kids as they get into puberty and (gulp!) sexual activity (or at least the exposure or attraction to it). I think it's fine for older kids to help a bit, but don't make this baby their "job" or you will increase their resentment. And they're already going to have the "ick" factor of knowing their father has sex - with anyone! If they can make her laugh, praise them, of course. And hopefully she will grow up to have brothers who are protective of her. But it's not the same as siblings who live together all the time.

Your feelings are your feelings, and I think the guilt is really destructive and unnecessary. It's NOT the same with step kids. And I think many of those who profess that there's "no difference" are really trying to talk themselves out of the difference they feel, and feel guilty about. Bottom line - don't judge your family by what you think others feel in their relationships. Just avoid the discussions - they aren't terribly helpful.

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

No. You're not an evil step mother. Human biological imperatives are at work. Hormonally, you are all about the baby that just came out of your body. That'll settle after a while. And once that mama-bear kicks in, it kicks in for all kids to some degree (it has for me, anyway).

Also, they are BIGGER kids and your baby is a BABY. TOTALLY different thing going on just because "helpless baby" vs. tweens. It's NATURAL to feel different tones of love.

I love my son differently than I love my husband. It's biological. Not less, just different.

Give yourself time to settle into the new groove.

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E.B.

answers from Honolulu on

Its my opinion that regardless of what we say or think on a regular day, we have no idea what we'd be capable of, or willing to do, in a crisis. You say that you don't know that you'd die for them. Of course, that's entirely reasonable, because today, your house is not on fire, your life is probably consumed with feeding and diapering your baby, trying to think of something creative for supper, and paying some bills. So don't label your willingness to protect anyone or anything in an emergency based on your adrenaline levels on a regular Wednesday.

And you are still post-partum. You're filled with emotions and hormones and love after giving birth to a child you never expected. Your natural mothering instincts are strong!

Lots of people declare, sometimes fiercely, that they love their foster, biological, adopted, or step-children the same. That's nice, and sometimes they do. But sometimes they don't. Often, they haven't been tested. Don't rely on what they are saying to judge by. That shouldn't make you guilty of anything. They're just more vocal, and have decided to make a statement. You may be more private, or not the type to make those public declarations.

Your statements, however, are loud and clear, regardless. Your actions speak volumes, and they're good. You call your boys "fantastic". You are kind and caring to them, and actively involved in their lives. That's what matters.

There should be no guilt, no "evil", no comparisons. Simply love who's in your life right now, and don't try to script some artificial statement about you love them all the same, while trying to hide your feelings. That will drive you crazy. Your boys are old enough to realize that a newborn needs more attention than they do, and that a mama snuggles her baby. At 7 and 11, they are probably typical boys, into sports or video games. Be truthful. Tell them how happy you are that they are in your family, if the subject comes up. They don't expect a declaration of whom you'd be willing to die for, and in which order. They simply hope to be treated kindly, loved with stability and security and consistency, and that is what they have.

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P.K.

answers from New York on

I think your feelings are normal. The baby is your biological child. Just try to keep feelings to yourself.

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L.Z.

answers from Seattle on

Feelings are never wrong. It's okay, she's your youngest and a brand-new baby. Enjoy them all and make sure you are doing your best to treat them fairly as they grow. I think it's natural to be feeling your feelings, and quite honestly, it might just be due to your little girl being so young. You naturally feel very protective of her. As she grows, it will probably even out. Congratulations!

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O.H.

answers from Phoenix on

I have SD who is 20 and my 2 are 16 and 13. I "love" all 3 of them but definitely a different kind of love. Putting it this way, if there were a fire and I could only save 2 of the 3, it would not be a second thought of who I would save. I don't think that makes me wicked or evil, it makes me protective first and foremost to my own bio kids. I personally don't believe moms when they say they love all their kids equally, there's just no such thing IMHO.

However, I NEVER have made my SD feel slighted, ever. Even when the kids would jokingly say, 'who's your favorite', I would never say! So the key is to continue to love and care for all the kids under your roof no matter what. And like others have said, she is a BABY and there are different feelings when they are babies as opposed to when they get older. Don't stress so much. Good luck.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

Evil, wicked and monster are all pretty strong terms.

Do you just feel this way because you are comparing yourself to your sister and friend? If so, don't compare. Everyone feels differently. I suggest you just accept yourself as the mother you are and not analyze this.

Enjoy your kids :)

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J.K.

answers from Wausau on

We're biologically conditioned to feel the fiercest in regards to our infant offspring. You have a helpless baby who depends on you for absolutely everything. Your darling stepsons are more independent. They can clothe, bathe, feed themselves. They have words, your baby can only cry.

When your baby is 7 and your stepsons are 14 and 18, you may discover that your emotional state has evened out quite a bit. :-)

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E.S.

answers from Minneapolis on

First of all, you are not a monster and your feelings are absolutely normal. Like Diane said, I think that any stepmom that says she loves her stepchildren as much as her bio kids, is just trying to make herself believe it by saying it over and over. I have a 12 yr gap between my son and my youngest stepchild and even now when my child is not a baby anymore, I still have a much stronger love for him. I highly recommend reading the book called StepMonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do. (https://www.amazon.com/Stepmonster-Look-Real-Stepmothers-...) It wasn't until I read this that some of the guilt went away and I realized that everything I was feeling was normal. Hang in there.

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V.C.

answers from Chicago on

Absolutely not! She is YOUR baby, a biological mother will always feel that way. I would give everything and anything for my own. I can't say I would do the same for a SC...
I mean I wouldn't mistreat them or anything like that, but my kids are my kids and that's an unbreakable bond.

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