4 Year Olds!!

You are not alone. Stand firm, start grounding him and take away privileges. Also start giving him rewards, maybe chocolate milk for good behavior and complimenting him on jobs well done.
7 was tough for us with my first son, and 10 is going to be the death of me with number 4. ;o)

My son is 4, and when he was 1, 2, 3, he was the most easy going person!
Then he hit 4, and he was opposite!
Its the age.
3 & 4 years old, is not easy.
They are learning different constructs of life.

Yes, have boundaries and rules, but keep it age appropriate. Otherwise, he will never be able to attain what you 'expect' and you will get frustrated. "Expectations" upon the child, has to be... age-appropriate.

Kids this age, need to have explanations too. Simply stated. So they understand 'deductive' reasoning, which they do not have mastered yet.
It is a learning process.
That is why, they get cantankerous.

Teach him how to communicate, the names for feelings and emotions, and how to express it.

When my son needs to be alone or is irritated, he WILL tell me. I respect that. Then he mellows out and will resume his even keeled disposition.
Because, I taught him 'how'... to manage emotions.
Some adults don't even know that.
A child has to be 'taught' that.

ALSO, when a child is tired or over-tired, they have NO patience! Just like adults. So, he may need to nap.
My son still naps, every afternoon.
He needs it.

Also when hungry, they get like this. They need to graze throughout the day and especially at growth-spurts.

Kids, do not automatically know how... to manage and cope with their emotions. It has to be taught to them.
It is a process.
Not instantaneous.

Nope! Your not alone. My lil angel is 4 and she tests my patience everyday! I take deep breaths and time outs for myself! Sometimes you just gotta get away! I don't have a solution because im in the same boat, but know you aren't alone!

Ugh, I know what you're talking about! My daughter is about to turn four and has morphed into a little teenager. The back-talking and eye-rolling included.
We have been using time outs and positive reinforcement (reward chart) and as long as we are consistent in using it, it works great.
What I find is that we get lulled into inconsistent reinforcement in periods where she is mostly doing good and especially when a time-out is inconvenient for us...once we return to consistent discipline she gets a lot better.

Another thing that is really a contributor to bad behavior in our house is too much screen time. We already have a two hour limit per day (and all is age appropriate PBS stuff), but even that is too much for us if it's a couple of days in a row. I simply reduce TV time (aka turn it off) without making it a punishment - behavior improvement is sure to follow!

It is all part of growing up... good luck.

Sounds totally normal! Go to the library and check out some books on child development, they will make you feel better and give you specific tips for dealing with your son as he goes through various phases :)

I have a 4-year-old too and share your frustration! :) I want to second what Ina said below - I have also noticed that the behavior gets worse if my son gets too much screen time. I think it makes him more cranky than he would be otherwise. Good luck to all of my fellow moms-of-4-year-olds! :)

I so agree with Dana's response. Positive discipline sounds like it 'should' take so much more time and effort, but with some good parenting books and practice, it significantly reduces stress/time/effort in families where I have seen it in practice (including my own and my daughter's). It requires consistency and follow-through from parents, but so do negative consequences and traditional punishment. And children who get treated respectfully, and who get to see the positive outcomes of their positive choices, become a joy to themselves and their parents.

There are a million good books and websites to help you consider this alternative. The single most practical and effective book I've ever found to help you jump in is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. I've watched real, and sometimes surprising, turnarounds in families that have tried these authors' approach. They help you make your child part of the problem-solving team, and when kids are invested in making their own solutions work, they tend to be much more engaged.

Other good resources are The Science of Parenting – based on studies by brain researchers measuring the effect of different parenting techniques, and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman,

Also, try recording and listening to a typical hour of parent-child interaction in your average day. Listen to it objectively. You may be shocked to discover that your son is "back-talking" a somewhat more childish version of what he hears from you and his father, which may include abrupt demands, refusals, sarcastic remarks, insults, and so forth.

Treating our children with basic respect and courtesy usually results in children who speak to others with basic respect and courtesy. They are little tape recorders for their first several years, programmed to learn through imitation first, experience second, and verbal instruction third.

Nope. I think any mom of a 4yo is a frustrated one! LOL My son is the same way right now. It's all a developmental stage- testing independence and become self-aware. I have even found that time outs only work now if he is angry and needs to cool down. Otherwise, he sits there and sings or makes up rhymes when I put him in time out, and is happy as a lark. If you find that magic answer, please share it!

It is a stage and besides the home he is influenced by lot of other things - TV, Preschool, extra activity etc. You tr to be consistenet and talk to teachers as well.

I went thru but after her teacher and I worked on plan and stayed consistent. it worked! She is well beheved and says please thank you and listens!!

The books from library also help you give ideas, no situation, kid or parent is same. Try find what works for you and your son.

ALL the BEST!

I have no advice as my son is 4.5 and I have had some issues as well. Some is our parenting (if you look back at a post from yesterday) however I have come to one conclusion - the 'half' years seem to be the most challenging for him - last year at this time I was feeling the same overwhelming frustration.....although he is in daycare all day we are outside much longer than in the winter, it's hot, and due to playing so much he doesn't want to eat as much - I think all of those factors lead to an over-tired/hungry little man!!!!!!

I am very glad you posted this though as I thought "wow, made it past the 3's should be smooth sailing" and things did get better then about 6 weeks ago the grouchies started getting much more often and stronger!

Yes - it's his job to test the boundaries and our job to provide safe boundaries and make learning about the world fun. He is experimenting with the power of words and likely does not know how deeply words can wound yet. At four his is developing some empathy, so discussing how he would feel if someone said something like (whatever he said) to him will start to help. I would look into positive discipline if you feel what you are doing is not helping. It is a non-punitive approach that looks to set firm and safe boundaries, set kids up for success and develop a child's internal motivation to learn appropriate behaviors (rather than doing things to obtain a reward or avoid punishment).

I think 4 was more challenging than 2 or 3 but also more rewarding. They know and understand so much more. I personally don't see the point of time outs, taking things away or punishment. If someone put me in time out, I am pretty sure I would stew about them punishing me, not reconsider the behavior that got me there.

I want my son to say please thank you because it makes him feel good and he sees how it makes the other person feel. Not because he gets a sticker or chocolate milk.

Whenever my so is an extra pain I notice later he is EXTRA tired. A lot of four yr olds have given up the naps they took at two or three. Never underestimate the crankiness of tired children