Holiday Brouhaha

Hi S.!

Arent' the holidays grand! lol In all seriousness, I go through basically the same thing year after year. Over the last few years I have decided that the only people that I really have to worry about are my husband and daughter. You invite whoever you choose and whoever shows up, then you enjoy their company and being together. Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving!

Good for you! Your kids will learn a valuable lesson about forgiveness and tolerance by your example.

Your MIL has her son and granddaughter AND boyfriend living with her -I'd be feeling fussy and underappreciated too! I'd let her know ahead of time, say 5 minutes, as a sign of respect and power that she already knew but not enough that she can plot to make it drama. Say that she deserves a break from all she does and you are happy to host whomever wants to come. You really hope she comes b/c you would prefer to have her there and IF she could find it in her heart to make that wonderful dish(insert pumpkin pie or stuffing etc.) it would be great. Or just tell her you want to show your appreciation for all she does by her not having to work hard and having her family take care of her for a change(maybe ask to borrow a family recipe etc). I don't know if your MIL is a black hole or not but sometimes tolerance and kindness is just what is desperately needed for someone who has temper tantrums and needs approval. Now if she pitches a fit you can smile and say(to yourself) I did the best I could and it's up to her. If she refuses to come let her know it is an open invitation and you will set a plate at the table for her and then let it go. That way there isn't any room for her to blame you etc. Make sure your Husband is on board!
Good luck

yes. If your MIL doesn't want to dine with the family who live in her house, then that's okay. she can eat at home. The peace might be good for her. ahhhhhhhhhh . . . .On the other hand, you should not let her tantrum and anger rule your home. So if you want to invite the whole family, by all means, do so.

We have had crowds at Tgiving and we've had it with just our family. And we HATE if with just our nuclear family. It is so much more fun when you have lots of company, or are at someone's home with lots of company. so go for it !

In your own house, you make the rules and you make the invitation list. Be polite to your MIL, but don't let her get away with ruling your household.

and maybe there's a way your BIL and his daughter can move out, because it doesn't sound like a positive environment within which to raise a child. IF he need $$, there's housing assistance and food stamps and all that stuff. but why is the granddaughter's bf living there, too ? I think Mom swallowed more than she can chew, and she'd probably like to have her house back to herself, but doesn't know how to stand up for herself and do it in a positive way, so it's coming out in nasty ways.

Wow, I thought that I had holiday troubles. I would invite them. It's at your house, and your doing the work. If your MIL has a problem with it, hopefully she'll either keep it to herself (which from your request, sounds like she won't), or throw another tantrum and ruin her own Thanksgiving. I'm sorry that you have to go through this during a time when everyone should take time out to be grateful for what they have, whether it be a little or a lot.

Don't you love it? I am also having thanksgiving at my house. I have family that won't come if others come etc. I just decided to invite all and let them figure it out. There will be great food and wine and if they chose not to...oh well. Hope i helped :-)

Hi S., Holiday brouhaha's are an anual event in my extended family...so much so that I have quit trying to please anyone but my hubby and children. Extended family is great and important factors in any child's life. I am accutely aware of how much my children have missed over the years as their grandparents (both sets) continue to pull away from our family and events in their lives. But let's be honest. Is it worth the hassel? We have decided that a joyus holiday is more important than having the tension involved with our extended family. No matter how hard I try, or what I do it will never be good enough and I will not be able to contain the tension...or prevent it. So we hold our holidays for our small family and the traditions and people we want with us. If our families deem it important enough to want to share these times with us they are welcome...but I do not seek them out any longer. My advise to you is to extend the invatation generally only if you truly want to...those who wish to come will come. Any one who deprives themselves...well that's on them. Have a great holiday!

I say have the dinner and invite whomever you want. Your MIL has no right to dictate you eats at your house. I would also suggest having a discussion with your husband to make sure he knows you aren't inviting the others to spite his mother.

If those living under your MIL's roof are truly ungrateful, keeping them from Thanksgiving dinner is only going to make them bitter, not change their ways. Your MIL should find another way to handle the situation. Best of luck to you!

S.,

Of course you can invite whomever you want. But do you want that drama? Since traditions have been changing anyway think about something else you could do, volunteer at a soup kitchen and invite the extended family to join you. That might "teach" your in-laws about being thankful if your MIL is right :) Maybe have a "Thanknksgiving" dinner with leftovers from the weeks meals, or just rice and beans and donate what you would have spent to a charity that feeds the poor.

S.

S.,
Ah! The holidays....nothing else quite brings out the FUN in dysfunctional! LOL
If I were you, I would invite everyone and let each person decide whether they want to come or not. After all, these are all big boys and girls that we're talking abut here. If the teen girl and comes and the MIL decides not to b/c of that--so be it. Let her cut off her own nose to spite her face. She'll only be hurting herself.
I had O. particular situation that was similar (as far as power struggles go). My husband has a cousin who eloped to Bermuda to get married. Afterwards, they sent announcements. Upon receiving it, I called the aunt & uncle to say congrats on the wedding and get the newlywed's address to send a card and gift. The aunt and uncle, in tandem, proceeded to tell me to "please not acknowledge this marriage" as the couple had ignored them by not planning a "proper" wedding. They were quite ticked that they were not allowed to control every detail of the big day. (Gee-I wonder WHY they eloped!?)
I hung up the phone and thought "there's NO way someone is going to dictate to ME what I can and cannot do!" I sent a card and gift immediately. It was never mentioned to me again. I think my actions made a point by calling attention to just how childish and petty these parents were being to their children!
Good luck. Don't stress. Some people may come and some may not come but don't let it ruin YOUR holiday! And put the burden of decision squarely where it belongs--on their OWN shoulders. Some people have to be forced to make adult decisions.
***I had O. added thought***I have in-laws who tend to fight with each other, no matter where they are or who is there. O. day my poor mother was in the family room with them and I was in the kitchen (hubby was on the deck grilling) and I heard them fighting--getting her in the middle. I walked right into the middle of the room and said loudly and firmly: "No fighting. No O. wants to hear it. If you want to fight, you'll have to go home." Guess what? They haven't done it in my home since!

Yes, invite them. This is not about MIL, it's about family time. Let MIL throw her tantrums!

I agree that you should have it at your house and invite everyone. Hopefully your MIL will come around, sounds like she is just in a little snit. Usually that passes right? Especially if she doesn't have to host. Takes the pressure off of her, and puts it on you. Yikes. Just make sure that she knows that she is welcome. Good luck to you, take a deep breath and have a big glass of wine!! All will be fine!

I agree it is your house so you invite who you want. She'll have to get over it. I have problems with my inlaws and it's sad for the kids who get deprived of having a day with their cousins.

Hi S.!

Every family has their share of holiday 'dramatics'! I say it's your house so invite whomever you please. Those who live with your MIL can decide for themselves if they want to attend or not. As you said, these are adults, and they should be capable of thinking for themselves. Try not to let MIL decide for you who you want to spend T-day with, and if she gets upset, try to explain why it's important for your kids to see their family. If they don't want to come, then by all means, invite friends! Just try not to stress about it too much. Easier said than done, I know! Good Luck!

I think you're looking at this with GREAT perspective. You are completely right that you can invite whomever you want to your Tday at YOUR house. As you said, they're mostly adults and should be able to put their differences aside for 1 day to celebrate with family. If they can't, that's their own decision and you can't control that. My husband and I had a family striff issue leading up to our wedding where my soon to be father-in-law and his brother weren't on speaking terms. They both came to the wedding and have been talking ever since. Good luck!

I concur with the other posters; however with this caveat. Thanksgiving Day preps are expensive and 3-4 additional adults adds to that expense. I don't know what your relationship is with them (like is your mom really a bad cook or are they really just ungrateful?) but to me cooking is one of my expressions of love and sharing warm yummy things with people who love me back and appreciate the time, effort and expense. So if having all these people at your home will cause YOU stress and ruin the fun times with YOUR family then I say no way, let them fend for themselves. If your mom is just wack and they are great, terrific people to have around then by all means the more the merrier. My 2 cents.

I have a crazy MIL (seriously, crazy) and I'm pregnant so guess what? We're going out to a restaurant this year!

Gobble, gobble,
J.

huummm well this is a tough one. I would like to say invite whoever you well please- but when it comes to in-laws...mmmm uhmmm. I have inlaws that are a nightmare. I haven't spoken to them in five years. whooo hooo. I consider it a blessing for both my children and myself. Of course every year I say....okay will god grant me another year of silence from them? (lol). Don't get me wrong- I know a lot of people who have great in laws. And good for them. Mine on the other hand- are a different story.
As for your situation- be honest and tell her that you really don't want to be in the middle of it, so you are having Tday and they are all welcome to come- whether she feels anyone deserves it or not. And continue to invite whomever you wish to come. You have that right since it's your house.

Good luck

S.,
I agree with you that it is your home and you have a right to do what you want in your own house. With that said, I would prepare the meal and invite everyone and let them decide if they want to attend. I would also inform your MIL that you understand that she does not want you to host the meal, but that you are doing this for your kids and your family. You don't want to punish your family because of what is going on in your MIL's home.

If you want to invite them, do just that. Don't let someone else's issues become your own. Your mother-in-law has to work out her own "stuff" with the people she lives with. And no disrespect, but it sounds like she needs to learn how to let things go. Thanksgiving is not about trying to punish people. I hope you have a very happy, healthy and PEACEFUL holiday season. :)

Ugh - family drama! After dealing with a touchy/tantrum throwing mom and MIL, I say you do what you have to do to be the bigger person. It gets exhausting, but your kids will see your efforts, whether you think they do or not. Have Tday, invite the whole family, if they don't show up, at least it's not on you. You tried. They have to deal with their own hang-ups. Good luck!

In your home, you can invite whoever you please. I think what you want to do sounds nice and your family should be thankful for you. My girls are deprived of their extended family because of a difficult SIL. I just take the high road every time and am happy in the knowledge that I have tried my best. Hopefully your MIL calms down enough to enjoy and let everyone else enjoy themselves. Good luck and have a great holiday.