Now What???? D*mn In-laws Lol.......

You should def. slap him upside the head. j/k, actually for once I'm gonna say you need to be the bigger person. it's a boy and his mommy, nomatter the age, and yes we do ALL the work so they don't get it. Apologize for possibly upsetting his mom and if possible go do thanksgiving in a week with them, or whenever they are having theirs and then let it go. After all, in truth you won, you aren't running all over the world with the kids in one day. I gave in and we are going out for Thanksgiving, but I won and I won't be dragging 4 kids and my very pregnant self out Christmas day.

All the other stuff aside, why doesn't he have to help get the kids ready or prepare anything or deal with a crabby little one?

Manipulative people ALWAYS know when they're being manipulative. And it sounds like he's doing it too.

I'm confused.
You are hosting Thanksgiving at your home (on Thurs) and you are also going to Thanksgiving at MIL's on Sat?
I would think one Thanksgiving a year would be more than enough.
If they bowed out of your invitation, then I'd be staying home Sat enjoying leftovers and leave it go till next year.
Hubby can run all over hells half acre on their behalf if he wants to but you and the kids can stay home and you don't have to lift one finger to prepare anything or anyone for Sat.

I would say "Honey, I am sorry if you feel I upset your mom. I am also sorry if what I said bothered her; however, I am also bothered that they change their plans and try to dictate ours as well. If someone, anyone, will bring XXX and XXX here on Thursday, I will personally drive them home after dinner. We aren't able to go get them...not that it's a big deal to pick them up but I can't go get them while I'm cooking dinner and I need you to help and/or watch the kids while I'm cooking. I need you to support me in not bending to everyone else's will all the time".

Send him, by himself.
Or hand him an apron and a scrubber, and put him to work washing the dishes.

Yep, men's Moms.... are so sainted aren't they?
Why oh why.
Well, one day, (I have a son), our sons may do the same thing!
We, being their sainted Mom.
But alas, hopefully I am teaching my son, well. So he treats his wife/in-laws, normally.
LOL

Just slap your Husband upside the head.
For me.
LOL
TELL him... he is a man, not a boy.
YES, approach it with him.
Why not.
But its about timing.

Treat him like a Man... not a boy.
Why shelter him from reality? You are his wife and he has kids and a family.
He doesn't live in a hotel.
HAVE HIM do more things around the house... regularly AND for the holidays, too.
Just assign him, stuff.

Say something! He needs to know. I don't care if he does think his mom is a saint or not. You're his wife. He needs to support & take care of you.

My MIL is similar. Only thing is my b/f usually doesn't agree with her.
Which can be a good thing. But at the same time, he can only deal with her in small doses so I am always the one that has to drive her around and spend time with her.
She never asks us about coming to visit, she TELLS us what is going to happen.
i.E Our thanksgiving. She never EVER asked our opinions, but tells us WE are having Dinner at my b/.fs sisters house and We HAVE to have that dinner with her husband.
My B/f doesn't agree, and we aren't going.
But she does this all the time.
Her : "i'm coming to town on the 5th, WE are doing this, and this and this and this"
never any concern on our part of picking her up and chauffeuring her around.
It is really annoying. She also talks to her son (my b/f) about me as if me and him don't talk.
GRR
Now I'm venting with you!!

Tell him tell him tell him :)

I'd have it out with your husband if I were you. If you don't , all of that festering frustration will spill out over thanksgiving, as well as on that saturday at your MIL's house. Best to get it out then keep it inside..

I think you need to make your husband participate in the raising of the kids...

sounds like he needs to be given kid duty and a recipe to cook and get everyone out the door on time to make it to pick up a family member and get to the feast on time.

You are wasting your time fighting with him about it. He has failed to cut his aprons strings. So the only way to "combat" it? Is give him responsibilities to get the family out the door....just tell him what needs to be done - you will be playing with the kids or out shopping - I need the kids ready to leave and this cooked or baked before we leave...make it happen baby.

FIrst let me say how Thankful I am for my MIL. Shes an angel. Second if I were you have your Thanksgiving dinner as planned. Then go to his mom's on saturday. If hubby wants to drive the family members around so be it. Be sweet as pie say nothing. But remember your a guest in her house on that day so DO NOTHING to help with the meal, when the baby gets fussy pass him off to your husband. Out late because of all the driving around tell your husband you think your coming down with something and he should probably take care of the kids so you don't get them sick. Let him do whatever you would normally do. Maybe then he'll see how much work it is. I did this with my husband many years ago. Whenever we went to his friends he would dissapear and leave me with 4 bored craby kids. Finally I started putting the two little ones off on him, he got it and life with the kids became eaiser. Now when our Grandson is here he automatically jumps into help. Sometimes we have to remind our husbands that we are the Queenbees and if were not happy he won't be happy. LOL

Next time, let him make the call to his mother or whoever on his side of the family. Let him deal with it - and if he gets suckered in to driving both ways, let him deal with it.

So your MIL is not coming at all. How long is the shelter open? Can't they do both? Or at least come for dessert? That's rude.

You MIL is pissed that you aren't coming over to her house for dinner. Mature way to handle it, right!! All you can do is promise never to be that mom to your son(s).

And let him have it. My husband NEVER tells his spoiled sister off. And I keep telling him - if you don't confront her and tell her that you are annoyed by her actions, she will never EVER change. Chances are she won't anyway!! :)

ETA --- You should have told her you were busy on Saturday. I agree with B - isn't one Thanksgiving enough??

Happy Thanksgiving!!! :)

Does anyone else think it's odd that you weren't in on the conversation about deciding to volunteer this year? Why didn't you hear about this before your invitation to dinner, and why weren't you asked to join the family in this wonderful new tradition? Timing doesn't add up, to me. MIL sounds like mine - hides behind the "I'm soooo helpful and kind that I couldn't possibly have an agenda" type.

::snort::

Okay, if your husband's feelings are hurt that no one is attending Thanksgiving at your house and is wondering if there are reasons other than the fact that they're being selfless by working in a soup kitchen then he needs to straight out ask his mother himself.

Where's the communication in that family? Of course feelings are hurt if everyone is making assumptions about everyone else. TALK to each other and have real conversations. Figure out how to have the holiday together if it's that important to your husband and kids if there's a real issue going on... but you HAVE to encourage your husband to actually talk to his mother.

I'd shut up.

You ARE having your holiday in your home.
And now you don't have to even drive O. way.

What you offered was reasonable.
First, you invited them.
Second, when they declined and asked you for transportation help, you offered a reasonable amount of help.
What they "decided" at that point is THEIR decision. They will live with it and you will live with it. You haven't done anything wrong.

I think it's OK to say something to your husband, if his mommy-worship is causing issues in your home. But chances are, he already knows this game. And I wouldn't ruin my holiday (that's already planned) over it.

Let him have it.

He lost his mind. My husband doesn't like when I tell him how his mom is until we go visit and he has to deal with her. She and I will NEVER see eye to eye on many things and he knows we just are polite to each other, but there is no good relationship there. I invite her to our house for the holidays, but the only time she comes to visit is when she invites herself. Ha! Oh well...she is my hubby's mother so I'll do my best to continue to be civil.

Yes, you need to have a discussion with him. But focus on explaining that to you, it IS "a big deal to go get them and take them back," because you are already hosting, cooking and taking care of the kids. Tell him you feel overwhelmed and stressed and need his help. If your husband is anything like mine, they love to hear that you need their help and the opportunity to step up and save the day for you. Instead of being angry, frame it more like you're reaching out to him with your problems.

Don't bother trying to convince him his mom is manipulative. It's a waste of time. You can talk about how it hurts you that he isn't more sympathetic to your concerns (as opposed to his mom's), but don't make the whole conversation about his mom. You won't get very far. Trust me, my husband doesn't even get along with his mom and is the first one to say NO to her many requests. But like your husband, he swears she "doesn't realize" she manipulates, and that if she continually pushes us about some issue or another, it's just because she "*forgot* that she's already brought it up" (hahahaha).

Above all, enjoy your holiday. It sounds like things are going your way. You're hosting, and since BIL and SIL aren't coming, you don't have to drive at all. And like the others have mentioned - I would skip the Saturday Tday at MIL's. One Thanksgiving is enough! If hubby wants to go, let him - but I would stay home and relax!
Good luck!

If your husband isn't helping you get the kids ready or helping you cook the meal, let him go pick up the 2 relatives. All my life my mother hosted her in-laws for every holiday. There were always two aunts who didn't drive and needed to be picked up. To get both of them it was an hour and another hour to take them home. We did it every holiday. My father would take at least one or two of us kids with him to "help". My mother then had the luxury of doing the final prep work with no interruptions from kids or husband:)

The aunts were so appreciative of having someone care about them and my brothers and I learned to care about others instead of just ourselves. How selfish would it have been to make these two aunts sit alone on a holiday just because it was a little bit of a drive? How wonderful was it to have a houseful of happy people on the holidays? How much more charitable and giving are my brothers and I because we saw the small sacrifices of my parents that made others happy? It was a very sad day the year that we didn't have the aunts to pick up anymore.

I hope you and your husband can come to some peaceful solution. Life is too short to worry about only yourself on the holidays.

Are they really volunteering at a shelter? You should call the morning of and send hubby to volunteer too;) Then he can pick up the others and you can drink wine and cook !! LOL

Seriously, your MIL is pretty typical .MILs wonder why their DILs don't like them. It's because with your mother you can be honest and have a discussion and a MIL is instantly wounded and offended if it's not her way. I hope your hubby gets it soon for your sake. Don't worry about being the bad guy. You have to teach people how to treat you. You invited them , they should come and quit being so selfish. I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving with the kiddies. They are what it is all about =)

All I can say is that at this time of year, I miss my mother in law and father in law. They were awesome.
I lost them both a long time ago and always feel like I never got to enjoy them long enough.

Make the best of things. Your husband's mother won't be around forever.

I am not sure how long you have been married but it sounds like the in-law situation is not a good one, too much compitition between you both, leaving your husband in the middle. It is time you sit down with everyone at that Thanksgiving dinner and have a communication discussion. Explain why you want your turns to do the dinners at your home and that you feel stressed when you feel that you are being disregarded. Use "I" statements so you stick to your feelings without accussing. Keep your cool and don't let it get into a grip session. Traditions are difficult to change when someone really likes them as they are, as your mother in law does. Work on making friends with your mother in law, you will not regret it.

That said, now for this problem. Is the brother and sister in law house on the way? If so it would not hurt to pick them up and drop them off. If they are a hour out of the way send hubby to go pick them up while you are getting kids and food ready to go... or have him get kids ready while you go get them. This really sounds more like a problem with communication between your husband and you rather then his mother and you. It seems to me that you need to get on the same page with your husband but in the middle not just your way or his. He needs to understand that he needs to help you more and you need to understand that this is his mother and family also, and just as you wouldn't want to have him put you in the middle between him and your mother by his not wanting to go the extra mile for your parents, you shouldn't be that way with his. I would do anything for my in laws that I can do. I remember when we first got married I had to put my foot down on a couple things and after that we didn't have any trouble at all. I did this without involving my husband.

What I think is that you don't let him have it, and you don't shut up. You work together to find a common middle ground where you both will be happy and then together you talk with his mother and get things straight without your husband being caught in the middle.

I think we're married to the same person!!! Seriously!!! My husband's mother does nothing wrong in his eyes! We've had MANY arguments about her; she's a back-stabbing Witch. But to answer your question: you really need to let HIM handle his family and just take care of yours. If HIS relatives need to be picked up then let HIM pick them up!! I know exactly what you're going thru - my husband does nothing around the house and yet I have to get everything ready, including the kids. My husband would much rather keep peace in the extended family, which includes his parents, than right here in his own house! Makes me so freaking angry!! BUT, I no longer deal with his parents - I let him do it and if things don't turn out right, then it's on his shoulders, not mine! I hope your Thanksgiving wasn't too terrible!!! Good luck!!!

I have similar issues with my husband. I pick my battles for one. I'm assuming you don't always complain. However when I do pick them I wait until I've cooled down or vent to someone first. Then I tell him I want to chat. Then I basically say I'm very upset about the situation an I want to explain my perspective. I lay out for my husband things exactly how I see them leaving out any personal jabs. I would start with why you wanted to host at your house. I then would say that instead of helping, people are asking you to drive people around while you have to put things together and manage the kids. I would lay out the drive time. Everything. Then I'd say we need to be on the same page. So when I tell you or your mom what I can swing, which is excessive already, it undermines and stresses you out. You and your husband need to be on the same page. I have also made sure with my husband he knows what I say to his mom or sister and why I make certain decisions. So when they try to change things, he knows where we are at.