My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 8 years. We are both in our 40s. He tells me 5 months ago that he is not interested in sex. He refuses counseling, going to the doctor to find a reason why. He won't compliment me, won't touch me, won't tell me he loves me. He is very inconsiderate toward me and my daughter (from a previous marriage). Only thinks of himself on everything from meals to going to the store to doing what he wants to do and to heck with everyone else. Great roommate situation but refuses to discuss issues with the relationship. No common curtesies for me or my daughter. Don't want to divorce but not sure if there is any other way. I have high libido and his is nonexistant. Gets angry during discussion of relationship issues and doesn't listen to what my feelings are. He is very selfish. He thinks everything is fine. Don't know what else to try. Nothing so far has worked to get him to understand my feelings and what I am going through.
Prior to the 5 months its the same thing. we split up for about a month. Thought this would be his wake up call. It worked for about 2 weeks after he came back and we talked about working it out. This has been going on for the last 3 and a half years. Steadily getting worse. I gave him conditions on coming back, they were to either go to the dr or go to counseling. He agreed when we were apart, but has refused since we got back together.
I have found out that he has a major ED problem. We will be talking some more about it and seeing what we can do to fix it. He is not cheating on me. I will discuss with him that not having sex with me makes me feel like I am not wanted. I have my wants and needs and they need to be met. I have to make him realize that he is being unfair to me. So we shall see how it goes. Thanks for everyone's imput and advise. It is greatly appreciated. I will keep everyone updated. Thanks again
I agree with everyone else. I think he is cheating. The sex is one thing but the ignoring feelings. I would do it to him. Ignore him. Go away without letting him know anything. Cook supper, something he hates, and not expect him to be interested. Sometimes when the other person sees it reversed, like you really dont care what happens. Sometimes it changes if not he might actually reveal he doesnt want to be there anymore.
You didn't say what his interest in was prior to 5 months ago. Was there a gradual decline? Is he having problems with erections and is embarrassed?
Has he always been so selfish, or was this a change also?
A friend was married and her husband was not interested in . At the time they were in their early 20s. He was just lazy though, and it was like that before they got married. (Aren't married anymore.)
I am no therapist; however, my question would be - is he having an affair?
Hello there J.,
How do I put it without sounding insensitive? Okay here goes. Do you think that there may be another women that he is interested in? That is how it sounds to me. Not intereted sexually? No respect? Doesnt care about discussing relationship issues? I hope you find out soon what is really going on here.
Also I am so sorry about your oldest daughter. I dont know how mothers get through the death of a child or if they ever get through it. I dont know what I would do without my boys.
Good luck and god bless.
Julie
Ok, I kinda know what you are going thru. It kinda happened to me when mine came back from Iraq. He pretty much in a way just ignored me. I thought that it was because we were togetehr 3 months and then he left for 8. And everytime I would try to talk & let him know what was wrong I always got the smae answer(s). "Thats stupid", "Whats kinda dumb question is that". etc. and it just got old & annoying. I started feeling like he just didnt want to be in the relationship anymore.
So I decided to leave. (or so I told him, I didnt want to leave him. I had known I wanted to be with him forever since 2 weeks into knowing him & he was the same way) but I started staying away alot and then told him a couple of times that I wasnt sure that i wanted to be with him. To make it short He finally realized what he had & stopped the way that he was acting. Needless to say though we went thru that from Feb 2006 thru Aug 2006. But the part of me saying that i was leaving & staying away was only like 1-2 months. I even stayed home while he went on vacation for 2 weeks to S. Padrde knowing I wanted to go so bad but it was to prove my point.
I don't know if that is what you had in mind but it worked in my situation
OMG i really feel bad for you, you have been through so much. I would suggest a therapist as well....have you questioned his faithfulness to you??? Because he has signs of a cheating spouse, no sex, no touching, thinks everything is fine. If you go the therapy that will come up, I know women dont want to think their DH is cheating but you should take this very serious and find out whats going on with him. Has his habits changed, going out more, work late, etc.....???
Dont put yourself and your DD through this, if he's not making you feel worthy then maybe you should ask for some time apart until he is ready to work on the marriage.
If he's not a willing participate, therapy won't fix the marriage. It might make you strong and more appreciative of yourself and your daughter. Might cause you to see the light and see that you're more deserving of better treatment. File for divorce, have him served and see if that scares him into thinking differently. Just because you file, doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Could stir up a hornets nest or could cause him to see what he's about to lose if he doesn't straighten up. Don't let him decide how you're going to live your life. You can't control him. You can only control you. Good luck.
Dear J.:
You really have two issues: No common courtesy and no sex/intimacy. The latter is not necessarily a problem, if something work related or other exhausts him or preoccupies him. It is temporary and bounces back. The former is inexcusable. Like another poster said, you may want to verify that he is not bailing on you and seeing someone else. If he is, let him go. Otherwise you may want to try out to find the reason before 'fixing' it.
Counselling sounds like losing to a man, no wonder he won't go. If you have a common friend that HE is close to, perhaps you can confide to an extent (not too much) and get him to talk sense into your hubby. Even better, if he already knows of something that caused it and drops a hint.
He could also just need some space, if he is near a mid-life crisis. Do you give him enough friends time for fishing, sports, etc.? I would definitely lay off him for a while, like a reciprocation of his treatment (minus the rude part). It might be the 'seven-year-itch', given your relationship time.
Sorry that I cannot make any prediction or give any advice, I can only tell you that too much pondering, nagging, asking and forcing the issue is probably counter-helpful.
Have you tried the brute force method already? Showing up all sexy and near-naked, making your intentions clear without words? I would only do that once, so choose the timing and make sure he is undisturbed and otherwise ready.
YOU go to therapy, even if he won't go. Eventually the therapist will want you to bring your kids too. This is affects your children so it is not just a relationship problem. That is sad he won't get help. All you can do is find help for you and your children. Through therapy, you will discover what to do. You probably already know, but with therapy, you will get the feedback and validation you need.
Best wishes.
In my experience it would seem he is cheating, but that may not be the case. Has there been a change in your weight or appearance? Has there been any cheating in past? Maybe he is contemplating it or if you had done it, he thinks about it. Good luck to you.
Has anything appened the last 5 or 6 months that could have caused these feelings? It sounds to me like he may be in a deep depression, esspecially if he was more interested in sex, and more considerate before.
There is also the possiblity of there being someone else, but to me it sounds more like a deep depresion, and I know from personal experience that deep depresions are hard to come out of with out help...esspecially if the person is not willing to seek help.
no one can make the desesion to stay or leave except you. if you truely love the man (and love is a desision that has to be made on a daily bassis...sometimes even more frequintly than that...) then I would suggest looking back to see what has changed..., and not just with him, has anything changed with you as well? try and listen to him...I am not saying that your feelings aren't valid, but maybe if he feels like you are listening to him he would be more willing to listen to you. I would suggest remembering 2 things... feelings in themselves are not good or bad...just feelings... and try not to say things like you make me feel, or when you do this I feel... because our feelings are our own reactions, and not really caused by someone else... don't know if any of this makes since, but I hope it helps some...
Hello Gill,
I have come to the realisation, that you can't change inconsiderate or selfish people. You don't make it clear weather he was always like that or just startet this also 5 month ago. Cause if he startet all of this at the same time, than their is something he is not telling you.I don't think it's cheating. Some other issue, maiby. If he was always unconsiderate and selfish you have to decide, if you want to live like that the rest of your life or not.
The sexpart. Maiby that is the way he deals with his frustration. He probably knows you are not happy with him.
He thinks, that you telling him how you feel is you complaining.I know, that doesnt help you either, cause if you try to talk to him, he gets angry, i have been there.
It's all about what you decide on how you want to live in the future. If he has always been like that and you can live with it, i would back of, like someone else suggested.
And maiby he'll find his sexdrive again.
Hope i could help, A.
Yes start therapy for yourself and your daughter. Tell him that you have thought about separating and tell him you don't really want to but you don't know what else to do. My hubby was the same way for awhile with working all the time and his drinking I finally stopped involving him in anything we did as a family and told him when he got over himself he was welcome to join, it didn't take him long to realize I meant buisness we went days without talking and eventually days without seeing each other and OH Snap he came around when he thought he had lost us for good. Sometimes we lose ourselves in other things and forget what is really important to us if that doesn't do the trick then maybe it is best for your self esteme and your daughters too, to take time away from him and focus on the 2 of you cause he will bring you down. Also he might be suffering from depression. Maybe ask him if he still wants to be with you anymore and see what his reaction is.
don't let it get so far out of control that it starts hurting you and you girl, cause it will.
I don't have much to offer on this topic, except do what is best for you and your kids; this cannot be a healthy situation for either of you and that includes your husband; best of luck to you
I must say that I agree with Nicole's answer. Sounds exactly like my story except we were married 16 yrs. It has taken me the last three yrs to get my self esteem back and to help my kids gain their confidence back as well. (They were 9 and 15 when we divorced). He has now married his latest affair, but life is not good for him - imagine that - neither one can trust the other. But...now that I know I am worthy of being somebody, I am happy and know deep down that I made the right choice for me and my children. Life is going really well for me and I know that if I can make it on my own, anyone can! Good luck to you and I'll keep you in my prayers!
My husband is the same way, he is 31 and I am 28. We have 2 girls and I am at my wits end to. I really don't have any advice just wanted you to know you are not alone, let me know if you get any good advice I would love to hear it and I will dothe same for you! Good Luck sweetie!
It is easier to say what you would do in a situation when it is not yourself but I would leave as fast as I could. Get counseling for yourself and your daughter if needed. You not only deserve better but your daugher needs a positive role model from both you and your husband. Very sorry to hear about you oldest daughter as well. Good luck!
When my husband and I first had relationship problems, he had the attitude "ignore them and they will go away." Unfortunately that only makes them worse. He refused to talk about anything because he said that all I did was complain or cry. Getting him to listen to MY side of the story was nearly impossible. So I wrote a letter. I was very careful how I worded things. I was honest, but tried my best not to just all out bash him. I told him that I was very unhappy and contemplating divorce, and touched a little on why. It wasn't long before we started marriage councelling and it was the best thing to ever happen to us.
I'm not certain it will work for you, but it is worth a shot. Good luck and I hope you find what works for you!
Hello J.,
I've only been married for 1 yr, but have been together for a little past 9 years. When I am feeling neglected, it's all about ME & my children....Forget your husband, and treat yourself to a makeover. Go to the movies with your daughter and have a girls night out. I do NOT need a man to tell me how beautiful I am. Remember, the beauty is from within. All that matters is what you think of yourself. There is obviously nothing wrong with you, the problem is your husband. I am not telling you to leave your husband, but pay attention to yourself a little more. Being worried about what your husband thinks of you, or not wanting to have sex with you will just bring you down. Trust me, he will come around! Pretty soon, he will be wondering if you're seeing another man!
