Helping the Unwilling

I know some people who have the child (or in extreme cases, the teachers) fill out assignments for each day on a planner. Then the parents also verify that the homework gets done and then sign off on the planner indicating that the homework got done.

I also come from a background of constantly moving between homes and learned how to play my parents...if one wouldn't do something the other certainly would. Being a brat facilitates it since neither parent really wants to deal with a problem kid for very long.

My sense is school and homework aren't the issues. Its her homelife. She has two houses, one with a mom who gets on her by screaming about homework and another with a dad who probably can't relate to her all that well in this stage of her life. My guess is she feels very much alone and homework is as trivial to her as making sure your toenails are painted is to you. Having two houses, two sets of rules, two sets of expectations, two of everything is very disruptive for kids, no matter how hard you try to keep everything "the same", it's not.

You need to stop. Gather a game plan. Then start all over with her. Preferably with the help of a really good counselor. She needs to know that she belongs, that she's loved and that she *can* meet your expectations. The homework will clear itself up once she feels like it really is important, the best way get there is to make her feel like *she* is important.

I have read the responses and feel they are all full of good advice. But I understand your daughter's point of view. I also grew up in both of my parents' homes. They had joint custody of me, so I lived with both. At first I went between them every other week. This is too much moving! Then it was every other two weeks. This was too much moving! Then it was every other month, and then every other 6 weeks.... and every other weekend.....
If you can give your daughter a little more stability in her living situation, it should help. 6 weeks seemed to work ok for me. I liked it best when I lived with my mom for the school year and my dad for the summer and each every other weekend. But this worked to my advantage, because I could play my parents like a banjo.

Strong communication with your daughter is the most important thing for her. Try not to harp on her, but figure out why she is having issues in school. (My grades dropped because I wanted to fit in with "that" crowd)My bet it has nothing to do with the homework assignments!

I know you both are doing the best you can, just like my parents did. It wont be easy, but if she knows you love her she vwill turn out ok. I did!

I don't have any advice for you but I've been there, done that, w/my stepson. Unfortunately when I asked this same question, I got no responses, so I can't even share the advice I got. My SS is an expert at playing his mom & her parents. He tried here & failed, which is why he moved back in w/his mom. I do think that all of his moving (8 times in 13 years) put him behind in school & that was part of his failing grades. Does your daughter go to the same school with both of you? I think I'd agree w/the other advice, week at a time might appear to work but maybe that's part of her problem. And why should she care about her homework, when you do so much for her to get it accomplished. Maybe sitting back & letting her take her lumps (no cell phone, no TV, no phone, no video games in the meantime) will wake her up.
Good luck to you!

She has a new school? Did you move or is this just a move to Jr High? I moved across the country when I started Jr High and came up against all the visciousness that Jr High can be without any old friends to go to for comfort and support. If you didn't move, then you still need to remember how hard Jr High can be: hormones, puberty, mean girls, mean boys, harder classes, etc.
I'm not saying that these things excuse her grades but some compassion may help you feel like you are not such an ogre. Is there something else at the root of this that she doesn't want to share with you? Apart from schoolwork, what do her teachers have to say about her social interaction and how she gets along and fits in with the other kids?
If you can be certain that it's not a socail issue, are her classes too hard?
I know my post is full of questions for you, but here's a really important one for you: how responsible does your daughter feel about her own grades and schoolwork?
*You* hound her about missing assignments, *you* spend weekends getting her organized. I'm sure she is involved in all of this, but does SHE feel responsible for it?
My suggestion for you: set clear guidelines regarding schoolwork.
- all your assignments turned in on time = a priveledge or freedom that she wants
- keep all As (or Bs or Cs -- whatever you feel she can accomplish)in all your classes = another priveledge or freedom that she wants
- no tardies for the week = another priveledge
The point of all of this is to help her understand that schoolwork is important for her life and future. It's hard for teenagers to see it now, so tying schoolwork to stuff that IS important to her makes the point at her level.
I have a 13 year old babysitter that comes 2x a week. Her mom is a good friend of mine and she expects her kids to have As in all of their classes. My babysitter is a very social gal -- loves to have friends over (not at my house-- here she plays with my kids and does a fantastic job). So when her grades slip below As in her classes = no friends for the week (and that means no phone calls either). I think it's a bit harsh, but it works. Good luck to you. Parenting teenagers is the hardest thing you will ever do, but if you work hard at it, it's worth it!

Find a good family therapist... only say this because I know about slipping into "traps" that aren't good for anybody... how to help without controlling (or becoming what I call "Monster Mommy!" Often these "hot buttons' are hidden agendas from our (the parent's) past, so working out strategies for getting beyond them is the best gift we can give to ourselves and to our kids. In fact, sometimes I think we are given the kids we have so that we'll be forced to deal with some of those issues, and grow as a result! One parent once advised me... don't think about what kind of kid your child "should" be to please you. Think about what kind of parent your kid needs you to be. All the best!

First off, let me state that I am definitely NOT an expert in raising kids - are any of us? LOL But I did have a few thoughts as I read your questions. I used to be a junior high school teacher and this behavior is actually more common than you think. As frustrating as it is, you can't make someone else want for themselves what you want for them. She is going to have to find the desire within herself.

What I think you can help with the most, is being there for her. Thirteen is one of the hardest ages there is in growing up. Everything in their lives seems to be changing - a new school, new friends, new feelings, new bodies. My guess is that there is an underlying problem that is causing her to act out. Maybe she is struggling with self-esteem issues or depression. You might even check with a dr. about antidepressants or warning signs of severe depression to watch for. Perhaps she is having troubles with friends or boys. Also, it can't be easy changing where you live every week, right?

It seems like she is getting a LOT of attention from you right now because of her poor grades and tardies, etc. Have you tried just spending time with her doing fun things and creating moments where you can open up to each other and express your love for her? It's obvious that you love her very much. Maybe then she won't feel the need to act out because she's secure in your love and attention. Young teenagers need someone they trust to talk to more than anything else. Perhaps you could show up at school one day and "kidnap" her to the mall for lunch together and some shopping. Those kinds of fun activities give you opportunities to let her know that you believe in her and that you want her to have all of the greatest things in life.

My last suggestions is that you talk to her teachers. Maybe you have already done this - it sounds like you have, but have you talked to them about their grading? Personally, I find it frustrating that teachers give grades based on when the assignment is turned in rather than how well the assignment is completed. It doesn't seem like a fair measure of her subject comprehension. Of course, most teachers don't really know another way to get kids to turn in assignments on time, so maybe you can let them know that things are difficult right now and ask for them to be more lenient with deadlines or something. Believe it or not, most teachers are just dying to give kids good grades - they just need to know what's going on. They want your child to succeed almost as much as you do. :)

I hope something in here will help. Like I said, I'm not an expert and I don't really know enough about your specific situation to offer much, but I want you to know that you're not alone in this struggle. It's obvious that you want the best for your daughter and I applaud you for not giving up. I truly believe that LOVE is the key to everything in life so LOVE her with all your soul and LISTEN with all your heart. And don't forget to pray. ;) God bless and good luck!

Moving into junior high is a big adjustment for most kids. First she is hitting the hormones and brain growth spurts of adolescents. Then, she has to get used to 7 classes, 7 teachers, 7 homework assignment (or so) and keeping up and being organized. A lot to deal with. Add in the moving back and forth between mom & dad, and she's probably overwhelmed.

I would back off a bit. She's already feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Make sure that you have as many interactions with her that aren't about school problems as those that are. Did you know that it takes 5 positive statements to balance out one negative? Make sure you are recognizing her for everything she does well, school related or not. Also express to her that you love her. Randomly throughout the day, not just "I'm doing this because I love you." Tell her you think she's a great kid and you wouldn't trade her for the world. She needs to know that your love for her isn't tied to how good she does in school (even if she was doing great, teen girls get this self esteem pinch that makes them wonder about it)

I'm guessing when you said you've talked with counselors, it's the guidance counselor at school. She could definitely benefit from somebody to talk to where she can work out her emotions and stresses without feeling like she has to do more and be more, and without the drama. Unfortunately, right now you aren't that person; and her friends will likely feed the drama. It may be worth it for her to see a LCSW or other counselor who specializes in working with teens, or a support group run by someone with good credentials.

I'm sorry your daughter is having a hard time. What stands out to me is that these problems might have nothing to do with school. Reading between the lines she is probably struggling emotionally either with the divorce no matter how long ago it was, and or trouble with other students, fitting in finding her place in the world these kinds of things come to my mind.
My advice would be stop trying to fix her problem for her. Pore the energy that has been spent on talking about the problem into talking to her about what she is doing that you are proud of. List off all the things you can think of that she is doing good, and right.
Maybe ask her what she wants the most. What would be a great reward for her to have when she does turn things in on time, make it to class on time exetra, talk about it in terms of I know you can do this, here is your reward when/not if but when it happens, that's very important. What we focus on consistantly over time is what we get for ourselves. We all have our personal struggles. I struggled with grades and being on time to class and I turned out just fine.
Here are a few other thoughts. Just a thought it is possible that her struggles have nothing to do with school she might be dealing with emotional stress that makes it difficult to consentrate in school. Where I live they offer free classes for kid who have divorced parents. I think this would be a good idea no matter how long you have been divorced. The main purpose of the class is to let kids know they are not alone, they are not the cause, and tools on how to adjust. Likely you have already talked with her about this, but being in a setting where she is experiencing the truth of those things and surrounded by those her age also dealing with it is an entirely different thing. So validating.
Make a big list of reasons you believe in her, not just about the school thing but things you admire about the person she is. Keep up the positive, it may take time but you will see a change.
"You can do it because"... You cannot do it for her, and it wouldn't help her if you did. Just be there to pick up her spirits when she doesn't succeed by letting her know she can do it, and you believe in her no matter what. I think the bottom line is that she needs to know She doesn't have to do this to win your approval. That you love her regardless of her struggles.
I sincerely hope this helps

Hi Dawn,

Don't give up. I have three girls (and five sisters)and being 13 in 7th grade is the height of the middle school "diva years". You've got hormones, peer pressure, etc., etc.

I'm a stay home mom so threatening home school was a viable option for me. They also knew that there was a direct correlation between their social life and their report card. My girls knew I was serious and it very much kept them in line.

If you and your ex are both willing to be consistent (it sounds like it's a good situation), I'd try a charter school, alternative school, or a private school (if you can afford one). You could ask the school if it's possible to assign her a front row seat closest to the teacher in each class.

There should be absolutely no privileges until her grades are brought up ... no movies, cell phone, etc.

I know it sounds harsh, but you are right to get this turned around ASAP for her sake. If you, your husband, and the school work together, you may feel like less of an ogre because you are getting consistent support and she's getting a consistent message.

Bless you for loving her enough to care!

L.

Have you tried doing a behavioral contract with her? This may take you working with the school on a daily basis, possibly with some kind of form the teachers sign off on. Contracts work best when you include both rewards, such as time with friends, TV/computer time and consequences. Consequences can be losing things that our kids believe they deserve for no reason at all. For example, her cell phone use could be contingent on attending class on time and getting all assignments done and handed in.
Whatever it is that motivates your daughter the most!

The most important part for parents is to be consistant with the rewards and consequences.

Good luck!

We have a 14 yr old with very similar problems. He'd be an A-B student if he just turned in his assignments on time. It is always still a struggle but we implemented a contract which does seem to help. For every missing assignment, he gets an hour of chores that aren't his normal chores. And he gets rewards (like going out to dinner and movies) when everything is turned in at the end of the month. Trying to get him to care like we do hasn't happened yet, but he doesn't like the consequences. We also talk to the teachers when his grades really slip and get their take on why. Usually it's him being lazy and not paying attention to what he needs to do. We often get a very different story from the teachers than his excuses as to why something wasn't turned in or graded. We do have to stay on top of it constantly! I wish you the best of luck.

Is she seeing a counselor or Psychyatrist? We moved to a new state and my 10 year old really struggled as well, her grades were okay, but in other areas she really acted out and she would not sleep at night, it got to the point that we needed to see someone, and after going to a psychatrist and therapist we discovered she has an anxiety disorder and this is very common in kids, espcially when something big happens in their lives, it sounds like your daughter has been through per parents divorcing and a big move and is a teen so wow, that's a lot to go through. I would suggest to see a Dr and perhaps the 3 of you go to some sessions together they put my daughter on meds for a while and it's really helped to control this. Anxiety can make it hard for you to accomplish anything, so this may be part of her struggle in school? Just a thought, I also agree with the others, a reward system would be good. I've heard of payimg $ for report card grades, so perhaps if she has a reward at the end it will help her to see the end result and turn her homework in, I agree with some of the others, she has to be the one to take some responsibility, versus having mom do it all, I think helping her get organized is great, but the next time leave it up to her. Remember to give her that love she needs too, it's a hard age. Good luck

Have you considered that maybe she is in the wrong school or class for her? My son was an A student and part of the gifted program until last year. He had a teacher that didn't work well for him, in fact she was down right cruel to him and picked on him. Needless to say all year she sent home Ds and Fs on his report card, told me that he was not proficient, and that he needed a lot of extra help, or he was in danger of redoing the year.

I was mortified.

Gladly by the end of the school year I wised up and figured out that the problem was the teacher not my son. I had him tested by 4 outside organizations for proficiency, he was in the 85+ percentile across the board. I pulled him from the school all together and he is flourishing this year in his new school.

In coming to this new school I also see an attitude difference. He is not coming home with thoughts and notions that do not suit our ethics or morals. In short he is surrounded by other kids that are upstanding citizens and who care about their behavior and school work. Basically, you tend to apply yourself to the level of the people you are surrounded by.

Good luck! I know how miserable it is for you right now.