My son is not very talkative and when my husband and I ask him about his day at school he tells us he doesn't want to talk about it or he doesn't remember. We are not sure of the best way to handle this, however we really want him to learn how to communicate with us and to share his thoughts and feelings. Any suggestions? Perhaps a book?
Everyone's input has been really appreciated. You have some great suggestions. We went around the table last night (something we tried in the past as well) and he talked and shared a bit of his day. He even said to my husband, "so how was your day dad?" I also asked him about the funniest thing that happened to him yesterday and he talked about that as well. So far we're having success.
I am new to this site and I love it. Thank you all so much.
Is he exposed to lots of conversing in the home that *doesn't* directly involve him?-- he could just be going through a 'shy patch' -- if he is exposed to, and included in, adult conversations in the house he may be more likely to speak up rather than feeling put on the spot by direct questions that may seem 'interview-like'
Have you tried talking about YOUR day with him and your husband? He may not really know what to say--If someone were to say "So what did you do today?" I wouldn't know what to say, but I definitely would be wondering "what do they want to hear, I didn't do anything special, so what are they looking for?" :D
Your son will learn more about expressing his feelings and communicating from seeing you and your husband do it. Maybe start a dinnertime ritual where each of you tells something about the day--interesting, good, bad, frustrating etc. even just a random thought that you had during the day or discussing a book/movie that held your interest would be a good conversation starter.
Really when it comes to daily life, a lot of times there's not much that seems significant enough to bring up--especially to a 7 year old. Hearing you and your husband talk about things/ideas might encourage him to talk more though.
Hi L.,
Dont' ask closed ended questions, or questions that can be answered with one word like yes, no, fine or nothing:
Did you have a good day? YES, Did anything special happen? NO, How was the test? FINE. What did you learn today? NOTHING.
You need to ask open ended questions that encourage conversation, such as What games did you play in gym today, tell me about the science experiment, what books has your teacher been reading to the class, what are you writing about?
Also, children do not always want to share everything about their day or that's going on with them. You may be curious to know, but as children get older, they don't feel a need or desire to share every detail with mom and dad.
A fun thing that you can do to encourage conversation at the dinner table would be to ask an around-the-room question like "What was the best part of your day?" or keep a box with questions in it like What's your favorite holiday, what was your best birthday ever, if you could get any wish granted at this very moment what would it be, if you could meet any famous person who would you choose? ETC
Good luck
Dear Mom,
At 7 My son was the same way, BUT in your case it seems there could be something OFF.
Either nothing FUN is happening at school , Which could easily be the case if your child doesn't really like school, or do well in academics.
OR
Like the girl below said, he could be having a hard time making friends.
BOTTOM LINE-- You just don't know until he opens up.
What worked for me when my son was feeling down.
Was planning a mommy and me day OUT--
Just him and I.
There are many ways to do this but I have found that pulling him out of school as a surprise , we'd go to lunch and then to either a movie, or I'd buy him something he's been wanting. ( ONLY AFTER our very talkative lunch.about whatever nonsense he wanted to talk about )
Another way would be to just keep him home from school , for a very planned day together, after having talked, and mostly me interrogating him about school, friends, jerks, teachers, homework, the bus, lack of friends, Whatever my questions led us to. I would have him help me clean up as fast as we could , and then go play lazer tag, bowling, whatever he wanted. Just so we could bond together, and showing him he was a priority to me.
Last little bit of advice During the school year Whatever happened I was always on my childs side.
So when it came right down to it, I let Christian know that when it came to him I AM THE BOSS> Not the teachers, kids, parents, bus drivers, principal, NO ONE but me.
This seemed to work for him because it put his mind at ease, he because less fearful of teachers and the threats the make,( such as I will call your parents, your lying, I know it was you, you can't go on a trip)
And of the consequences of talking back to peers who might push him too hard and say threating things.( such as your a geek, your ugly, your clothes, I'll kick your butt)
( This isn't for all kids, just kids who are quiet and scared to talk up, and less agressive)
Of course you let him know your expectations,and boundaries.
But you also let him know its ok to stick up for yourself.
Since its summer, you could try a a CAMP OUT in a tent for the weekend. Let him bring his PSP, and the laptop.
BUT make sure there is enough quiet time for the 2 of you to take a walk and re connect.
And whatever he says, listen to him, and don't react and wash away his feelings, try and help him understand whats happening, and help him find a solution that works for RIGHT NOW, Not what its gonna mean int eh future.LOL
Good Luck!
Keep us posted.
M
Remember how it was when you were his age. When you ask him about his day, tell him how it was for you in school at that age.
There could be bullying going on, a secret crush, or the work could be hard.
If things get too bad, make an appointment with his teachers and counselor to gt a feel for what's going on.
Nanc
It could just be his personality. My son tends to be on the moody side and when he feels like talking he will and when he doesn't I have learned to just let him be. I know it is difficult but trust me when my son has something that he needs to discuss he always knows he can come to us. I wouldn't push him just tell him when he would like to talk you are always there for him. Another thing I always did was take a ride in the car together for ice cream or whatever and he would always open up at those times. I would only be concerned if this is a sudden change in him. For example if he was always outgoing and now he is withdrawn then I would be concerned. There is a difference between not being much of a talker and being sad or depressed. If you feel he is sad then maybe have him talk to a professional if he is just quiet then that may just be him. Good luck keep us posted!!
Most experts recommend playing board games...talk just seems to flow over a good game. Your child is old enough to play Clue, Jr. Scrabble, Monopoly...you'll find him talking in no time...and then he may casually weave in what you're really wanting to know. You can find more games at www.toysofdiscovery.com
I don't know of any book I would suggest but it sounds like something is going on at school that is upsetting him and he doesn't want to talk about it. He could not want you to know that anything is wrong out of embarrassment (I used to do this as I was bullied in grammar school and did not want my parents to know). Maybe you could talk to his teacher and find out if anything is going on at school like problems with peers, friends or grades).
If you don't want to go behind his back ask him first. "We noticed that you are pretty quiet when you come home from school. Is there something we can help you with? Is anything troubling you?" This may be a just the nudge he needs to get him to open up.
Hi L.,
It's very upsetting when this happens, and you don't know if there is something going on or not. My son is the same age as yours, and he also tends not to speak much about school. When I ask him how school went, he either says "good" or "I don't remember." I've started to ask him what was the best thing about school today, which gives a more specific answer. Then, while we're doing something totally different, a story about school is going to come up out of nowhere. I happen to know from other sources that he's doing well and is socially well adjusted - and very talkative there.
So it might just be your son's personality - and I noticed that girls tend to be much chattier about their day than boys. This being said, you want to make sure that nothing is going on to make him unhappy there. Does he resist going to school, either directly or indirectly (stomach ache, leg ache, headache, says he's sick, often when it's time to go), or does he seem eager to go? This will give you a first indication. You can also talk to his teacher about his behavior in class, which will give you other ideas.
As for favoring his talking to you, I agree with the moms below who recommended a special time just between you and him, without forcing any subject. It's amazing what comes out...
Hope this helps and good luck!
K.
It may just be that you are asking him about his school day when he's trying to decompress after the day. My grandson doesn't like to talk about his day when he gets off the bus so instead of asking him questions about it my daughter lets it slide until a bit later. And instead of asking him about the day in general she'll ask if anything funny happened. Or did you learn something interesting today? Something specific instead of general.
