Help with My 9Yo Step-daughter

I have a soon-to-be 20 year old daughter, so I feel your pain :) I think it's great that you're taking on the responsibility of raising your step-daughter and seem so concerned about raising her correctly! It sounds like her mom isn't so top-notch and maybe your step-daughter is craving some order and structure (kids all need it, no matter how much they complain).
It sounds like you will be the primary "mother" in her life, so it's up to you to set the boundaries clearly. I would start by discussing your discipline plan with your hubby, that way you're both on the same page (about consequences) when the problem behaviors occur. Then sit your step daughter down and explain the rules to her. I always believed in explaining the reasons behind my rules.
My daughter and I had MANY fights over appropriate clothing! She was in middle school when the tank top craze started, and it seemed that each top got tinier and more revealing! I tried to come to a compromise by taking her shopping and relaxing my standards a little (and explaning why the trashy clothes were not coming home with us), while letting her buy some "cool" stuff. I would, however, put your foot down about the Britney Spears outfits :) Plus, I'm sure your daughter's school has some sort of dress code that bans really revealing clothing. You could check and back up your rules with school policy...there's nothing more embarrassing to a budding teen than being called out in front of friends!!
I also made a chore chart for my daughter. I know, it seems a little juvenile, but a lot of teens or soon-to-be teens are not great at responsibility or remembering to do what you've asked. I also posted this chart in a prime spot in the kitchen, so there were no excuses about not seeing it. Believe me, your daughter will find every loop hole in every rule!
You and your hubby should make the house rules clear and be consistent with enforcing them. Your step-daughter probably isn't used to much structure, so be patient. Nobody said raising teens (or pre-teens) was easy or fun, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel :) I think my daughter is a really fun person to be around now (2 years ago, not so much), and her friends are great!

Hi M.
I've been a stepmom fro the past 18 years to two grown up stepdaughters. They were 7 and 8 when we moved in together. I have seen and been through many of the issues you have talked about. I also have a son the same age as my stepdaughters. So when teen years came around, it was in triple.
Just so that you know, what you are going through is very normal. You have received great advice so far from the other moms so I will not repeat it here, but I would like to add that you make sure to ask your stepdaughter what it is that she would like to have and what see would like to see happen.
As parents, we have a tendency to know what is best for our kids. I think its a good idea to ask the kids what they think. It prepares them for later in life when they will need to make adult decisions without any supervision and to think about the consequences of that decision.
For example, ask her what would be an appropriate consequence to not doing a chore. You night be amazed at how tough they can be when setting consequences. Put her to the challenge of "what ifs" and let her practice. I know she is only 10 but it is a lot easier to start at that age and then vito that decision than wait until they are 15 and 16. I still see it with my nephews and nieces that didn't get to learn to make decisions early on.
I hope that you found this helpful and if you wish to talk some more about stepparenting just send me an email. Good luck.

C. C.
Life Coach

I have been going through the same thing with my now 13 year old daughter since she was around 9. To let her have some control over herself, I began to let her choose her clothes and she began to choose the wrong types of clothes, to tight, to little, I'm sure you know the pattern I am referring to. After deciding that it was to much for us to argue every day about what she was wearing, I asked a friend to help. This friend of mine, is someone that she looks up to and trusts. My friend came over and spent an evening going through my daughters clothes with her. I told her that we were getting her wardrobe ready for middle school and that Kristi was helping her choose things that girls in middle school wear. It worked wonders! We managed to donate 3 large garbage bags of clothes to a local thrift store and Kaitlyn then had clothes that were neither to tight or to little in her closet to choose from. She also felt that she had some control over what went into the bags since I left Kristi and her to do it without my input. (Of course Kristi knew what I approved of before hand so that she could recommend that she not keep it)

This is just an idea, but it worked for my daughter. We are getting ready to go through it again before school starts so that I do not have to worry about her leaving the house in inappropriate clothing.

I would sit down with her and set up a list of chores and a list of family rules.
First - brainstorm. Write everything and anything the 3 of you can think of. Then go through and edit. Make sure you toss some of your "crazy" ideas so that she doesn't think only her ideas are getting tossed... you know?

As for the wardrobe. That's pretty simple - but you need to be kinda sneaky about it. First go shopping with her - the whole family including Dad. Have her pick out some things. But, have Dad be the one to say yes or no. That gets you out of the loop and keeps you from having to be the bad guy. Make sure that whatever she buys is acceptable and will be what the kids are wearing at school. Then, every time an unacceptable outfit ends up in the wash, it disappears... It just doesn't come back. When she asks what happened to such and such, the answer is "I don't know or I haven't seen it".

Just make sure that she has enough things so that when the unacceptable disappears she still has things to wear that she likes.

She probably dresses this way because she wants and needs attention. I'm sure she feels that the baby is getting way more attention than she is. (I was 8 when my baby sister came home. Wow! That was an adjustment - and my family was intact. I acted out - I was mouthy... I learned.)

She also might need a little one on one with you and your husband. Does she get to go places with alone with you/your husband or does the baby always come, too? I'm not trying to cause angst. I'm just trying to see her perspective. Maybe a game night, bowling, a trip to the library, or even a trip to the grocery store where she gets to make some decisions would help. But, this has to be her time. No cell phone, no blackberry, no interruptions. She has to feel important, wanted, and a valued member of the family.

That said, she needs lots of structure and discipline. Don't slack off on that.

Good luck!
LBC

Hi M.,
This is very common. She is trying to test her independence. If she has chores, make a list and post them in the kitchen. When she wants to go somewhere, money, etc. check the list. Depending on what is done or not done will determine whether or not she gets to go. As for the clothes, that's a tough one. The more you dislike an outfit, the more she'll fight to dress that way. There are two approaches that you can take. I've seen both work.
1. (if you are around the same size), put her clothes on. Walk around the house for awhile in them and wait for her to comment on them.
2. Go to the mall and each of you purchase an outfit or group of clothes for each other to try on. Sort of like the TLC show 'How DO I Look?'. Then each of you has to try on all of the clothes and ask people, 'How do I look?'
M.

Wow what a challenge you've been handed! Kudos to you for taking on this new responsibility and the effort it takes to have a successful blended family. I think it is very important that you and your husband have a discussion about a plan of action so that you know that you are on the same page and are working towards the same goal with similar expectations. You also need to decide what the consequences will be if your (you and hubby's) rules are not followed. Make sure you choose things that you will actually follow through on. It is important that you present a united front as she will no doubt try to "divide and conquer". I don't mean that in a sinister way, lol, just that if she senses one is easier to manipulate and pushover, she will take advantage of it because that's what kids do. I think you both need to give her a clear understanding of your expectations of her what the rules of the household are and she needs to know that there are consequences if she fails to uphold them. Of course she is going to test the waters and you ARE going to have to follow through with the discipline but hopefully after a few times she will get the picture and see that you and hubby are quite serious.

As for the clothing issue, where is she getting the inappropriate clothing? She's only 9 so it's not like she's got a job and is driving to the mall to purchase them herself. Is this something that her mother is getting her? If not, then that onus is on you and hubby. You simply don't buy it for her. I second the previous suggestion that, at least for a while, clothes shopping needs to be a family affair with your husband having a say so that you are not the evil stepmother. If he balks at going along with you, he at least needs to see the items as soon as you get home and give his yea or nay at that point. A little more inconvenient, but still takes some of the pressure off you being the bad guy.

I also agree that you and hubby need to make time that is spent with just your stepdaughter. She's 9 and she wants to feel special and loved independently of her new little sister. It really would be a great idea if you and hubby would spend time individually with her. These don't have to be grandiose outings. You could go get ice cream/dessert with her, go bowling, go to a zoo, go to a movie, go to a paint-your-own-pottery place. He could take her fishing (no license required for kids :oD), go on a bike ride, go to a playground. go to 7-11 and get a Slurpee, lol. Just things that she could do one on one with each of you. You could even let her decide the activity so she feels like she has a say and isn't just being dragged somewhere.

The lines of communication need to be kept open. She's got to feel that she can come to you guys and talk openly about her feelings because despite the fact that she seems OK with the current situation with her mother, it still must hurt her that it is like it is. She needs a place to feel safe and a place that is secure and constant and that's what you guys need to provide her with since her mother won't. The effort that you make now will pay off eventually and it's easier to mold and shape her now than it will be when she's 12 or 13 and beyond.

Best of luck to you!