Is This a Good Natural(ish) Consequence?

Where did she get the inappropriate clothing?

If you home school - what's the point in a uniform when no one else will see it?

Personally? I don't think a 14 year old should be wearing makeup - but that's MY opinion...

I see that you have posted before...but really? This sounds soo "troll-ish" - I'm sorry. But really? A home schooler upset because her 14 year old was wearing inappropriate clothing and making a uniform for her?? Not buying it.

Good luck!!

I think that's a terrible idea. You should be guiding her not punishing her. These are clothes not drugs. It's normal for her to be experimenting with clothes and expressing herself as a young woman. You need to talk to her about how she presents herself, how she wants others to see her, what her values are, etc.
I have two teenage daughters and I draw the line at what I will buy them in terms of "sexy" clothing but I know they sometimes borrow and wear their friends' sexier clothes. I may not like it (and they know it) but I wouldn't dream of punishing them for it. It's part of growing up.
Don't be a cop be a mother.

So if my mom did this to me, I would stash some other clothes with a friend, change when we went out, and then get back in my uniform before going back home. You aren't really solving anything here, just making her more crafty in her defiance.
Perhaps you should go shopping together and go over what you expect and what she likes in clothing. Find a middle ground on something you can both accept.

If you are homeschooling, where exactly is she wearing inappropriate clothes? And what are you considering "inappropriate"? Who gave her or allowed her to buy it? I know every article of clothing in my child's wardrobe and she's out of my sight 7 hours a day. You're right there. I'm having trouble believing this is a real post. I assume this is the same child that wanted body piercing? I don't know - she's rebelling against you pretty hard. Can't imagine a "uniform" is going to help. And where will you force her to wear it if she's not going to school? How about you have her donate what you think is inappropriate and use her own money to buy something you approve of to replace it? A uniform when she has no where to wear it just sounds stupid. Natural consequences are supposed to be natural and authentic. If you bought a work outfit you later decided wasn't suitable for your job, you would get rid of it and be out the money. That would be your consequence. Your boss wouldn't impose a nonsensical uniform on you.

Eta - wow! Looking back over your questions, I have to say, you are up this kid's arse about everything! You don't want her enjoying MLP at 13 and push her away from innocent things she enjoys and so now she's too mature. You micromanage her hobbies, her image... And you're homeschooling. At 14, you give her no room to be herself! I'd be rebelling, too! Lighten up!

Please don't do this. I know you mean well. You feel disrespected. You are mad at her and want to teach her a lesson. You want to show her who is ultimately in charge. But please mom...don't do this.

This is not a natural consequence. This is shaming and a way of controlling her. This will backfire. Talk to her. Ask her what she believe is a natural consequence for being deceitful. We have found that our kids come up with some really creative consequences for themselves. And, the fact that you are allowing her to come up with her own consequence be more of a teaching moment.

Your daughter is maturing into a young woman. She is testing limits and is rebelling against her very strict home life.

This is very normal behavior on her part especially coming from such a strict home. Hey...I get strict. We too are very conservative. But..we teach modesty..we don't force it.

I once attended a parenting class taught by a child behaviorist that we really respect. We later used his services to help us with certain behaviors our kids were exhibiting. He is very much against shaming and trying to control kids behavior.

He gave this scenario.
You are out prom dress shopping with your daughter and she chooses a dress that goes TOTALLY contrary to your modest dress suggestions. He said you don't start lecturing because she knows your views. You lovingly tell her that you are more than willing to buy her a modest dress but if she chooses this dress then she has to pay for it. If she pays for it then you let her wear it and you support her whole prom experience with a smile on your face. That in and of itself will teach such a bigger lesson to her than all the preaching,nagging and shaming.

I think of that scenario often as we are raising our kids. We don't buy our kids short shorts or skirts, tank tops, bikinis, mid driff shirts or off the shoulder items. We will not use our money to buy things that are contrary to our standards. But...our kids know that they can use their money to buy these things. Guess what? They don't. They have been given the freedom to choose. They know our standards and they do not push the limits. (as of yet)

Sometimes when you give your child some freedom they surprise you with choosing the right. And sometimes when you give your child some freedom they choose wrong but then learn from it which keeps them from making a more serious mistake in the future.

Sooo, there are my ramblings. This mom gig is a difficult one...especially as our kids get older. They aren't helpless little toddlers and we can't control them anymore and we shouldn't. Your daughter will fare much better in life if she is given more choices to make on her own. Trust that she knows she is loved and respected and that you have faith in her to make good choices.

So, here is a vote to put down the uniform scraps...stop sewing. Go chat with your daughter. Talk...but most importantly...LISTEN.

I wish you the best!!

It's not going to work.
If she's wearing inappropriate clothing, where is she getting it?
Does she buy it?
Where is she getting the money for it?
What makes you think she'll wear a uniform all day long at school?
Most likely she'll change in a locker room or rest room and wear what she wants.

Kids often rebel over clothing as they try to break away from parents to form more independent selves.
It's a growing up thing.
She can pick something that you don't necessarily like but it should meet school dress code standards.
I've worked with people who wore 3 piece suits to work who were hair down to their butt hippies when they were teens.
The pictures of their youth were hilarious.

So try to get some pictures of her preferred style of dressing now.
You'll have a blast showing them to your grand kids someday.

Additional:
What exactly is she wearing that's inappropriate?
I have NEVER heard of a uniform for home schooling - NEVER.
What this girl needs is a peer group.
You realize that can't be you, right?
Different generations can not be peers.
You are WAY too bound up with your daughters identity.
You both need some separation.
It's necessary for her to eventually becoming a self sufficient adult who will be capable of raising her own family.
Being a parent means eventually putting yourself out of a job.
You are holding her too tightly.
Ease up already.

That is the most daft idea I have ever read and I have seen a lot. No that is not a natural consequence. Stop buying your daughter clothes that you consider inappropriate, that is a natural consequence.

If the issue is that she went out with friends in inappropriate attire, then I think a larger issue may be that she is sneaking around your guidelines.

I would sit with her and talk to her about what she wore, why she wore it and why you think it's inappropriate. I've said to my own DD (even though she is still young) that there is a time and place for things and dressing nicely for a wedding or church shows respect for herself and others. I lost the fight for getting my SD to dress more appropriately, but I will explain to my DD that to look "cute" or "pretty" or get a guy's attention does not mean she has to wear a napkin. Frankly, the kinds of boys that attracts are not the ones she should be looking for. We all dressed weird and my mom hated my goth phase. But I think at 14, she can have a conversation with you.

Since you homeschool, why not make a project out of it? Make her research the effect clothing has on others, why dressing poorly might not be a good choice, and what alternatives there are to the outfits she chose. I'd even consider giving her a budget to find herself an appropriate wardrobe.

ETA: I also agree with those who say that just saying no with no context and no guidance teaches her nothing. Will you be with her forever and ever, picking out her clothes when she is a grown woman? No. This is a time for guiding and training and nudging them. Giving them tools to fend for themselves when they leave your home. Discipline is different than punishment. Discipline teaches vs just reprimands. Even if I don't like all of my SD's choices, when she was told the dress code for a friend's religious wedding she went and found appropriate clothing. Time and place.

If you want her to hate you and rebel then go right ahead with your plan. You actually believe that if you humiliate her in front of her family and peers that she will respect you? LOL... She'll get as far away from you as possible.

She'll manage to change clothes before school starts and then again before she gets home. Doesn't the school have a dress code? If she's within that code, maybe you are too rigid.

Pick your battles..... You are battling over clothing. It could be much worse.... Sex, drugs, alcohol?

I'll take a clothes issue anyday over the other issues.

For the record, during middle school, one of my daughters friends lived with us because she had a mother like you. Beautiful, smart, respectful girl but all her mother wanted to do was to humiliate her in one way or another so mother could feel superior. Well... It didn't work. She got married to a military guy ( great guy) at 18 and moved across the country to permanently get away from her controlling, self centered mother.

Be careful what you wish for!!

Homeschool uniform?
Waste if time.
Throw away inappropriate clothing and wonder why does she want to dress in inappropriate clothing?

Maybe she is lonely and seeks attention. You can shield yor child, but unless you allow her to test her freedoms, she will never learn to make good choices on her own. You need to learn to guide your child, not control her.

If you want her to experience wearing a uniform have her join some sort of service organization that requires a uniform. Cadets, Scouts, Guides, that sort of thing. Then at least she is wearing the uniform for a reason and learning something.

Only if you want to humiliate her.

A natural consequence is something that happens naturally due to the action. For example a natural consequence of wearing inappropriately skimpy clothing in the winter would be being cold and uncomfortable (and possibly getting frostbitten toes). You cannot 'make' a natural consequence.

A logical consequence is an imposed consequence/punishment that bears some (logical) relationship to the action. One might say a logical consequence of wearing inappropriate clothing might be having to have a parent evaluate all clothing before leaving the house.

No consequence or punishment should be given (IMO) with the intent of shaming a child into submission. That would be exactly what forcing a 14 year old to parade around in a collared blouse and 'modest' skirt while her friends are wearing the age appropriate jeans uniform that their herd wears. I am not sure where you think she should wear this uniform - while you are home schooling (don't see how this would be effective) or when she is out with friends (public embarrassment).

Where does she get the inappropriate clothing? I wouldn't bother with creating a uniform Why not just throw the inappropriate items away? My teen went through a phase that she was cutting jeans and shorts shorter, and making her own not-so attractive alterations. My rule was any clothes that were cut went right into the trash. If your DD has her own money and shops on her own, tighten control of her money and supervision while shopping. If she borrows clothes from friends, I would round them up and accompany her in returning them.

Please discribe the inappropriate clothing.

I remember when my daughter was about that age and suddenly Penney's clothes were not okay any more. She wanted Ambercrombie and Holister clothes. I refused to buy them. In my opinion they were cheeply made and way over priced. So she babysat and bought them herself. Turns out the 'cool' kids wouldn't hang out with kids who didn't wear certain clothes. For her it was a matter of fitting in.
She also started wanting the cute bra and panty sets, again fitting in. Turns out when they changed for P.E. the girls made fun of the ones who wore granny panties and bras.
I know you homeschool but the girls she hangs out with probably go shopping together and they see her undies.
At this age it's all about fitting in. So certain clothes, shoes, purses etc become very important.

I believe the most important thing a parent can do is recognize their child is an individual. One of my favorite thoughts is, this is my daughter, beautifully and wonderfully made by my Heavenly Father. Created for HIS purpose and HIS pleasure. My job as her parent (she's 15) is to prepare her to be able to stand on her own. She is loved and cherished. She is allowed to state her opinion always and especially if she disagrees with us (respectfully). Sometimes we agree to disagree and she knows we are in authority over her. However, there are other times where she presents to us her opinion and we rethink our decision and it changes.

In my opinion, to prepare my daughter to be able to make decisions on her own, she has to begin now. Mistakes will never be cheaper than they are right now. She has to know when she makes a mistake she will survive it, hopefully make better decisions and gain wisdom and confidence.

Please rethink your position on this. I agree that when someone is deceitful it is not to be ignored. It is a character issue. Maybe she feels so managed that the only way she can stand on her own is to do it behind your back? That's a dangerous pattern to establish.

We were friends with a homeschool family a couple of years ago. The dad wouldn't allow his daughters (10 & 12) at the time to do anything without his involvement. He micromanaged them in all points of their lives. This even included texting my daughter pretending to be one of the girls. The second they are away from him one daughter especially wears makeup, cusses, wears clothing he wound never approve. I look for that daughter to be one wild girl in a few years when she leaves home. She will exercise her freedom in ways to prove him wrong. So tragic on many levels.

Please rethink what you're doing. Please work on your relationship. Kids are going to live up to your expectations. If you set the expectation she can't be trusted I guarantee she will live up to it.

I try to be open with my kiddo. She knows what I think is appropriate clothing but I try to give her as much leeway as possible. She wanted a bikini. I knew I wasn't buying it for her. BUT I let her try some on and said you can try them on but I need to see them on you if you want me to consider buying it. I had already had several conversations about sun exposure and she is very fair and we have family history of skin cancer. Guess what? SHE was uncomfortable in them and decided FOR HERSELF that was NOT what she wanted. She saw all her friends in bikinis and thought she wanted one too. She said she wasn't coming out of the dressing room period. We then found a nice two piece that both of us were happy with. First time she got sunburned (even with sunscreen) she went back to her board shirt over the two piece. Again, her decision. I didn't have to put my foot down because she made the decision. I was so very grateful and I learned a valuable skill.

Sorry this is so long.

Blessings!
L.

No, I don't think that's a good consequence. I agree it sounds creepy.

My opinion? No.
There's nothing "natural(ish)" about your consequence.
In fact, it sounds kind of creepy on some level to me.

a homeschool uniform?
how very weird.
a 'natural' consequence would involve earning back trust (ie being able to trust her not to change into tramp clothes when not at home) rather than a strange focus on making her look like a 'schoolgirl.'
the 'right' consequence' would depend heavily on what's actually causing the deceptive behavior, which goes a lot deeper than this post. it could be anything from taking her shopping (and cleaning out her closet with lots of goodwill donations) to counseling. no way for us to know what lies at the heart of a kid who sneaks this in.
khairete
S.

I read over your prior posts, and it looks like a year ago (plus), your 13 year old daughter was struggling with being a child (My Little Pony obsession) vs. a teen (allowance, Tumblr account). She was giving very clear signs of transitioning to full blown adolescence. This is completely normal.

Now she is rebelling. She is sneaking out with clothes you feel are inappropriate - and you may or may not be right about the clothing. It could be that her taste is extreme, or it could be that you are too strict. Either way, the most important things you should be focusing on are a) where did she get the clothes (friends?), b) where did she get the money to buy them (dig into this big time unless you know she has a lot of allowance money), c) what does she think clothes say about girls and who is she dressing for, and d) why do you have a daughter who hides these things from you?

I agree with the others below who say to stop wasting time and money on a home school uniform that is excessively conservative, and admit that you are closing the barn door after the horse has escaped. Shaming her into wearing something is the surest way to drive her further away from you and encourage more sneaking around. You should be looking at the causes of her actions, not coming up with some ineffective technique like regulating the jewelry and makeup she wears to home school. She's going to think you are completely out of touch and irrelevant. That is the last thing a mother should strive for in her teen.

Instead, you should find some appropriate compromises. You should work on the consequences for sneaking around and lying to you. You should emphasize that you want to trust her and know what she's doing and who she's with when she's out. You can start a school project on advertising and fashion images/messages about women: tiny sizes, cleavage-baring, butt-emphasizing messages that say girls and women don't feel good about their bodies and only dress and starve themselves to appear more sexual to men. But it can't be with the goal of getting her to wear a collared blouse and a knee-length skirt.

Dressing her like someone from the 1950s is going to alienate her entirely. She's going to be driven into the arms of someone who will take her away from all of this. Since you seem to be so far apart from her, I'd consider some family therapy to work this out if you can't do it alone.

Look at some teen magazines together - there are some great outfits with, say, short skirts but leggings underneath (practical in the winter and modest as well), jeans tucked into cute boots, etc. Look at girls in the public eye - the Obama girls are good examples of kids who want to be trendy and have lots of friends but who dress modestly. You want to avoid Miley Cyrus but you don't have to go so far the other way that you dress her like a boarding school girl from 50 years ago.

The general rule is, you give them some freedom in their clothing and hair - you can forbid bare bellies and printed messages about sex/drugs and anything written across the butt, sure. But some cute layers and trendy jewelry? Believe me, she knows a lot more about what's fashionable right now - get her to share it with you. You can draw the line at tattoos and piercings, but if she wants to dye her hair or put in a red strip or two, so what? It washes out!

Bottom line - if she can't express herself and experiment more in front of you, she's going to continue to hide and sneak, and do everything she can to get away from your rules. Find a middle ground. Fast.

Your uniform idea is not a natural consequence. It does not teach a lesson and will not result in better clothing choices. It's simply punitive and designed to assert your authority over her.

How does your 14 year old even own inappropriate clothing? Or is it clothing she borrows from friends while she is out?

If she bought clothing on her own, the appropriate consequence is to get rid of those items and ban her from shopping unsupervised for a time.

If she is wearing her friend's clothing when she is out, then the appropriate consequence would be keeping her at home for awhile since she broke the rule when out with her friends.

This sounds like shaming to me. I do not think it is a good consequence. I would talk to her about why she wants to wear those clothes. I would talk to her about how our society puts too much emphasis on women's looks, how this is wrong, and why you think wearing these skimpy clothes are wrong. Find some articles for her to read or a documentary to watch. Adbusters magazine might have some articles that will be useful. Talk to her about feeling respect for herself and her body. The next conversation I would have is about hiding things from you and sneaking around. A good natural consequence would be not being able to go out with her friends for a week or two.

You seem to be much more interested in the punishment than in the crime.

You don't mention what she wore, where she wore it, who she was with, what your clothing "rules" are or whether or not this has happened before. For all we know, you're against her wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

Talk to your daughter about why you're disappointed in her choices. Talk to her about why you have the rule in the first place and why her breaking it was such a huge deal. This is the hard part, you actually have to back up whatever rules you've set down. They have to make sense and be reasonable. You also have to listen to her. All of this will be much harder than making a uniform and forcing her to wear it.

If you go your route of punishment be prepared to lose your daughter in the long run. By making her wear a uniform you are forcing her to submit instead of ironing out a plan to move forward with her. She will be an adult in four years, just something to think about.

Sure, make her one. Then be prepared for more risky rebellious behavior due to the fact that this kind of shaming doesn't work the way you want it to. This isn't a natural consequence, it's punishment. You're obviously the kind of homeschooler who is doing it to Protect not Provide (i.e. protecting the child from unwanted influences, usually for religious reasons, versus providing the child a more comprehensive and safe learning environment that the local schools cannot provide due to your child's special needs), be prepared for more of this type of behavior.

Let me ask you, why did you have kids? To raise them to be who they are or to be who you want them to be regardless of who they are?

?
Wearing a uniform where? To do errands? To sit home during school? I come from a whole family of homeschoolers and that is a weird idea. Is this post real?
How did she sneak inappropriate clothes by you at 14 when you homeschool? You caught her while out with friends? How did she buy the clothes? Borrowed from friends?
Then go from there. MAybe grounded form the friends and activities where this is happening for one..

When I was a teen, I would get to school away from my conservative home, or sneak out at night with my friends, and put on my white face make-up and black lipstick and fingerless gloves and shredded home-made punk/goth outfits....I wasn't into slutty stuff. I saved up babysitting money and bought some pointy witch boots which I had hidden in my bag...

When I got caught, I had extra chores I think...or maybe not even. My parents just MADE SURE I didn't wear that stuff to church because they let me be myself for school after a while.

14 is really too old to shape personality imo.

Now if it's it's skanky, slutty clothing: Throw it out. Do not let her keep it. Keep an eye on her and don't let her buy it "until she has a job and her own apartment". Explain why sending slutty messages to the public is a very un-classy thing to do at her age and that you won't allow it. Then enforce.

Scrap the uniform. It's weirdly humiliating even if hidden at home. You don't want her thinking you're strange and out of touch. Natural consequence to inappropriate clothing: She loses the clothing. Closer supervision.

Talk to her like the young adult she is becoming.

ADD: Natural consequence is the result of the decision - example: it's cold. I tell my kids to wear a jacket. They say they're fine. They go outside, and they're cold. Them getting cold as a result of their decision is the natural consequence.

Your consequence is imposed.

In all likelihood, she will probably find a way to change by the time she gets into school and the uniform will be waiting in her locker for her return home.

She is trying to figure out who she is separate from you while trying to fit in with her friends. She is a typical 14 year old girl. There is no reason to really fight her on clothing selections. The key thing here is to open communication.

There is a Dr. Phil episode where the mother and daughter were in a Battle Royale over her clothing selections. The mother's opinions were a matter of a more conservative taste but her daughter only really had 1 piece of clothing that everyone considered inappropriate.

So truly consider if your tastes in clothing is super conservative then ask your daughter what she would like to wear and see if there is any middle ground that can be claimed. A uniform isn't the way to go. It is a teaching moment. If you aren't particularly fashionable or fashion conscious then I would even suggest hiring a personal shopper and helping your daughter learn what type of clothes look best on her body shape and suit her interests, skin color, personality, and hair color.

Say yes as much as you can or provide a viable option for her.

She is transitioning from a girl into a young woman. Help her do it with confidence and savvy. No need to fight about these things just time to redirect her energy and yours. I hope this helps.

As a homeschooling mom I would say making her wear a uniform is a waste of time. You are the parent so step up and limit her time with friends (punish her by being grounded) and find out where she is getting these clothes.

Also, if these friends are bringing her down then it's time to find some new friends. My daughter is only 8, but as a homeschooler I would know who she is hanging out with as she gets older. Most of her friends are also homeschoolers and I give the final approval of where she goes and who she sees.

No, I don't think the punishment fits the crime and it is not a naturalish consequence.

We know very little about the "crime", all we know is she wore inappropriate clothes. I am guessing this was not her winter attire, since you are in Chicago.

A uniform is for school and you mention she was dressed inappropriately while out with friends. These are two very different events. Wearing a uniform to school while being home-schooled does not make a 14 year old realize why you want her to dress appropriately, it just makes her think you are a jerk. Bring yourself back to being 14 years old.

Uniforms are not meant to be a punishment. They are meant to keep all the children in the school on the same level, so that their main focus is on academics.

My suggestion is that you talk to her about the reason you feel she was dressed inappropriately and what the harm could potentially be.

Missing a night out with the friends would serve a better purpose than wearing a uniform to the kitchen table.

**edit**

I agree with AV, there is a lot of history in fashion. Perhaps she could do some research on fashion and see where it comes from and who, why, and when, different styles were inspired. My older daughter went to FIDM and she can look at the clothes you are wearing and tell you how dated you are. I even pulled out a hat from my old days and she told me exactly the era of the hat. However, there are some great fashion periods like the, Lucille Ball, Jackie Kennedy, Princess Diana, and Michelle Obama era's. For that matter, the school uniform has even been a style.

I don't think this is a good natural consequence, no. Remember: We're raising adults, not children. Your "punishment" is not about mentoring or growth. It's about shame. I advise taking a different tack.

The correct way to deal with this situation would be two-fold:

1. Have a kind, two way discussion about the difference between appropriate and inappropriate attire for her age. Why is it inappropriate? What is "sexualization" and how does it affect young girls? How can she protect her image and reputation?

2. Work together to choose appropriate, yet stylish outfits that she likes. Let her have an opinion and ideas about what she likes and doesn't, and respect that. Work to come to a place of understanding. She's not 8 anymore. She wants to dress in a stylish way, but needs to learn discretion. Help her by providing the sort of guidance she'll want to seek instead of the judgment and dictatorship she'll sneak around to avoid.

I have to tell you that I think it's silly to have her wear a school uniform since she homeschools. What's the punishment? If she goes out in it, she just looks like she goes to expensive private school. It's not a punishment, even though she will "pretend" that it is.

She needs to lose something that she likes. Going out with her friends for a month. Her computer for a month. Her phone for a month. Something she'd rather "die" than lose! This "punishment fitting the crime" thing has to make sense, but the uniform doesn't.

At 14, how is she acquiring the "inappropriate" clothes? Does she have disposable income of her own? Does she take herself shopping? Is she raiding friends' closets?
As long as her naughty bits are covered, don't sweat the clothing issue.

Don't shame her, mom. You will demean her, make her angry and not get the result you want: she'll pull farther away and all she'll learn is to be more careful to not get caught next time. Talk to her about WHY you are so upset. The lack of trust, your fear of what "that" kind of dressing attracts (if you feel it's dangerous), etc. Talk about how you feel, why you are upset. And how you want you two to be able to discuss, be honest and work things out during these important years. See if there's some way to meet in the middle. For both your sakes, don't rub her nose in your "power".

If you are homeschooling her what purpose does this "uniform" serve? What are you trying to prove to your daughter? Your the boss, check. You are in control, check. BUT that won't keep her from wearing "inappropriate" clothing. It will just make her sneakier. Also, what type of inappropriate clothing? Booty shorts? How did she get these inappropriate clothes? Friends?

Have you talked to your daughter. Did you ask her why she wore those clothes? You might need to let her make some choices in her clothing.

My daughter was 14 once. The clothing nowadays is mostly geared to the older crowd. I get that. My kids didn't wear the jeans down to their knees. I made my daughter bend over and if you could see the butt crack I wasn't buying them. But I did let her make choices in the clothing but I had the ultimate say. Sounds like you need to figure out a way for her to have some say in her clothing but be covered appropriately.

14 is a sucky age for a girl. They are trying to find their identity and sometimes go about it in the wrong way. Good luck!! It does get better. My daughter is now 26, college graduate with a good career. She dresses very professionally now!! =)

It seems like forcing a uniform for homeschooling would just reinforce the message that she only has to dress appropriately in front of you without getting at the original issue of dressing inappropriately when she goes out with friends. Taking the clothes away and having her incur the cost of replacing them with something more appropriate seems more of a natural consequence.

Updated

It seems like forcing a uniform for homeschooling would just reinforce the message that she only has to dress appropriately in front of you without getting at the original issue of dressing inappropriately when she goes out with friends. Taking the clothes away and having her incur the cost of replacing them with something more appropriate seems more of a natural consequence.

Shaming is never a good punishment. You might as well make her wear a big scarlet S on her chest.
She's only 14. Is she using her allowance to buy these items that you don't approve of? Is she buying them online or how is she getting to the stores? How is she going out in them or is she changing once she's out?
I would simply sit down with her, explain what you don't like about her clothing choices and why. Then, go shopping together. Find out what she likes and see if together you can find something that fits her taste and style, but your idea of appropriate.
If you're going to punish for anything, it should only be for sneaking around changing behind your back. For that, the natural consequence is either no more going out temporarily or no taking a bag with you when you do.

A better response would be to ask her why she thought the outfit was appropriate, what judgements she thinks the outfit might encourage others to make.

Then I would take a long, hard look in the mirror and try to figure out why your daughter felt she had to sneak around in order to dress like her friends.

Is it because she is hanging out with bad kids? Is it because you are puritanical in your beliefs? WHY does she feel the need to sneak.... and how is it that you are noticing entire outfits going out your door. Where is she getting these outfits from? Where is she changing.

My opinion is that (except for extreme cases like drugs / alcohol / sex etc) that once a kid hits high school it's not about you deciding on a consequence / punishment. It's about having conversations with kids about why they made a choice, what they learned from it, if they would do it again and, if not, what would they do differently.

Honestly, no it's not. I presume she's leaving the house in appropriate clothes, and then changing them once she leaves? If so, I would not allow her to go out with friends without you chaperoning for a period of time. Afterwards, she will have to earn your trust.

What does wearing a uniform in the privacy of your home have anything to do with her dressing up to go out with her friends? I would ground her for 2 weeks from going out. What she wears at home has nothing to do with the issue you're having. JMO. Good luck.

Okay. I'd say that making her wear a uniform is silly. It means nothing because no one will see her in it so it's not a consequence. It's a...control thing.

Don't you see her when she's leaving? Don't you have access to her clothes? Don't you wash them, dry them, fold them/hang them?

I go through the kids clothes as I clean them and I put things that off season in a tub for next spring/summer and if it's too short, too skimpy, too little, it goes in the give away tub.

If you have a problem with her taking things out of that tub then you can easily keep it in your closet or put it in a storage building she doesn't have access to.

If she's changing into inappropriate things when she gets away from home then a natural consequence would be she can't go with them anywhere. She can only see them at your home and they get to know why she can't go anywhere, it's because they helped her wear clothes you would never allow.

So if this were me I'd make sure all her friends knew they could come to your house to hang out but she couldn't go anywhere with them because they dressed inappropriately and you can't trust any of them.

Then she'd be facing natural consequences. Wearing something at home where NO ONE will ever see her isn't a consequence at all. It's letting her get away with the action.

Now if she's leaving your house and already has these clothes on then this is on you and no one else. Either get rid of the inappropriate stuff or don't let her wear it out of the house. You say no and make the other kids go away.

You're the boss of her body until she's 18. It's your job to teach her morals and standards where she'll understand that girls that dress inappropriate get the wrong sort of attention and they get talked about.

Well that means what do you consider "inappropriate" clothing? Booty shorts? No because that is the "in" thing right now. A low cut shirt? Tight jeans? I personally would not make her wear a "uniform" type for school since you home school. She is growing into herself, she is 14 years old. Maybe instead of inflicting punishment on her, talk to her and tell her this is why you do not think her choice of clothing is appropriate. She is a teenager, they like to test the waters, all teenagers do that. I think a nice sit down chat sounds more of the route to go instead of going all out and making her wear a stupid uniform. good luck.

No, it isn't a "good natural(ish) consequence."

Have discussions with her about what is appropriate, what is NOT appropriate (and why) and help/guide her to better choices. Perhaps she has made these "inappropriate" choices when at friends' when you can't see/supervise b/c you are overly strict with her. We don't know. But while you are discussing and guiding her, you need to be very careful that you don't let your personal "style" cramp hers. There is a difference in just having a different style and wearing things that are inappropriate.

You may think this color and that color clash and look awful, and why would you ever put that sweater over that shirt?! Yikes!
But if she is going to the mall with friends, and the clothing is modest and not inappropriately revealing, then who cares if the clothes "match" in your opinion?
If she is going to a polished type event, where a certain decorum should be observed, then you make sure her attire is appropriate to the occasion, but again, still without letting your personal style dictate hers. They will not be the same, I'm sure.
You wouldn't, for example, allow her to wear a bright flamboyant mix/match polka dots/flowers and plaids to a somber funeral service. But you should allow her to choose her own choices in more subdued tones. They wouldn't have to be black, either.

Good luck. And try to remember that she is 14. She needs to spread her wings (style) some to learn, because she will be on her own before you know it. Don't over-criticize or be overly controlling. Let her choose regarding style. Guide her regarding modesty and appropriateness (her age and the occasion/location for which she is dressing).

My parents always told me we could wear anything we wanted and do whatever we wanted to our hair and makeup, but couldn't do any permanent damage to ourselves...drugs or tattoos. It worked. We never went through that phase of testing out inappropriate clothing, because there was nothing exciting about it I guess. I am raising my kids the same way. I only expect them to dress "appropriately" when we have a special occasion to go to. Otherwise, it's up to them to decide. Interestingly, they could care less about fashion and wear my thrift store finds with pride.

the problem is perception, young girls will wear revealing clothes because they like the attention that they get from the boys, problem is, they dont see the potential danger of dressing provocatively.the 14 year old boy they are flirting might not drug them and "pass them around" , but, the boys older brother might.. you dont know, and you dont want to find out the hard way. . the girl goes out with friends, chaperone them, or find a mature adult who will go along with your daughter while she is out with her friends, and when you go out clothes shopping with her, say, ok, i will pay for this (modest clothing), if you would rather have this( not so modest clothing) , you will have to pay for it yourself ..you solve the problem and you save money in the process..K. h.