Help with My 10 Year Old Son

Hi A.,
This sounds like very typical ten year old boy behavior. Rather than sitting him at the reading table at night, which eventually becomes a punishment and makes him hate reading, perhaps you could find his strong points and balance them with the weak. Maybe you can give him books about sports heroes to read. Boys love nonfiction. Double punishment with both mom and dad has to create dread in his outlook, and any sport is exactly what he does need. Boys are not wired like girls. If they have activity while learning, it increases their potential. My boys are required to do jumping jacks, or stretching on a big yoga ball between lessons and they love it! School, especially for boys, is a long stretch. They need fresh air and lots of FOOD!!! Schools are so much about teaching to the tests that he is probably bored out of his mind. He may love music lessons, or Boy Scouts. It sounds like he needs something happy to do. Blessings!

Hi,
I hear a lot of negatives, taking toys away, punish, wondering about having him leave team. What about the positives?
With 4 children, does he get any "me" time? I know--do you get any "me" time. But especially without a dad all the time to let him know there are some good things he does as a boy.
See if you can get his teacher to go along to catch the "positives" instead of just notes for negatives.
Grandma N.

Before I start taking away everything he loves maybe try finding out why he is acting out and talk to him. If this is not normal behavior for him then I would say you have a bigger issue then grades. If you find out why he is acting out and help him solve the issue his grades will improve. I wouldnt take the football away, kids need a stress release too. Maybe extra jobs around the house or extra studying. 4th and 5th grade are pretty rough. Kids are mean, and its important to fit in. And its only the beginning.. it ends when they start high school. Good luck.

I would say don't let him play football. If he is not keeping his grades up and paying attention in school he shouldn't be allowed to play extra curricular actitivies.

Hi A., I don't have a solution for you but wanted to write and commiserize. I'm not sure this is the same as your situation but I noticed some similarities.

My 8-year-old hates school, won't pay attention, kind of zones out all day at school. I tried signing him up for all kinds of sports teams but he was miserable doing that as well. He, too, doesn't really respond to punishment. The ironic thing is that my son is athletic, outgoing, a leader, and very bright when he is not at school or involved in a group activity. Its like he is a different person at school and on a team. His teacher was shocked when I told her that my son had lots of friends because he keeps to himself and is so detached from the class all day.

I get notes from music, pe, and art about his non-participation too.

At this point I've tired therapy (lasted 5 months, the therapist is not concerned), testing for ADD (negative), testing for OT (he is receiving treatment but he's not especially deficient in this area).

I've stopped punishing him for the school behaviors because I don't think its effective. BTW, I am also a single mom and my son spends 1 weeknight a week with Dad. I've put some of the onus on the school, asking the teacher, school therapist, and pricipal why my son is so miserable there.

Let me know if you find anything that works. Feel free to email me ____@____.com.

First - Don't take the physical activity away. He needs to run and be with his friends.

Since he is misbehaving at school - find out why. Who did what when. Is he being provoked? Is he bored out of his mind? Is the teacher being unreasonable??

Are you helping him study or just making him sit? You need to be proactive. Volunteer in his class so you can see exactly what is going on. If you work - and I assume you do - take the time to find out what is happening. I know it is hard to take time off - go at lunch or whenever you can. This is your child. He deserves the best.
YMMV
LBC

Since your son has not been responding to having things taken away and negative punishments, try the opposite, and give him rewards for when he does behave. I don't mean bribe him for behavior you expect him to have everyday, but trying positive reinforcement for a little while to get him back on the right track. And the "rewards" don't even have to be that big - letting him say up a little later on a weekend night to watch a show he likes if he had a good week, etc. Also, when he does have a good day at school or brings home good school work, be sure to tell him he did a good job and that you are proud of him. This has worked well with our son. As for football, most schools have rules about participation and making good grades, so letting him play could be the motivation he needs to keep his grades up. The teamwork and coaching can probably help him out, too.

How tough to be 10 and have school be a problem, then Mom is mad because school is a problem, Dad punishes you when you go see him, and you might lose sports. Two of my three sons have ADHD. They are not taking medicine although I wish the older one would to help with focus in school.

I got caught up in this same cycle until my oldest son told me that noone smiled at him at school except for the wonderful custodian. Then when he got off the bus, I was angry and frustrated because I'd had a call from the school. When I quit being mad, I started figuring out how to help him. It has been a long journey. We changed his diet, provided more outdoor play time, set limits for homework time (which made it more of a game) and discussed the school calls but did not impose additional consequences. I helped the teacher figure out that sticker charts were not helpful and that more time in the library was good. A wonderful teacher let him sit in a bean bag on the floor instead of at his desk when he was starting to be a distraction. And we made a chart for him to fill out on the teacher to help him figure out if she was happy or mad and why.

Not paying attention in school is not just your son's problem. He may learn better with some kinds of teaching than others. He may need more activity. He may have a reaction to food eaten at lunch time or even scented markers or the floor cleaner. You can be a huge part of his solution by being on his side and figuring out why things are so tough. My kids have auditory processing deficits. Although they are quick learners from books, they do not learn well from spoken speech. So they tune out or try to liven things up. Once they understood this about themselves, it was easier for them to behave.

Some kids have done as well with additional exercise and natural food diets as medication for ADD/ADHD. Your son needs help with school but instead of punishment, he might do better if you set a timer for an hour so he can finish his homework and anything he couldn't get done in class.

I've worked with the school so there are logical consequences to misbehavior (never loss of exercise time) like a working lunch. At our school, kids are sent to the counselor to fill out reflection papers. Parents shouldn't be expected or agree to make home life miserable just because the school is having a problem with your son. You are all working together to help him. Home should be as safe and loving and structured an environment as possible so he knows what to expect. He should have a healthy snack, time for homework, time to play outside, and time to rest. My boys do better with no video games or tv on school nights. They read because they want to but laying on sofas or in bed.

I really like Edward Hallowell's books on ADD. I was shocked to learn that I probably have ADD too. But I was lucky. I walked a mile and a half to school each morning, had natural food, and so many fewer distractions than our kids. Nonetheless, I remember the stress of being distracted or flaky or ditzy - there were many excuses. His books stress finding the gifts in each child.

Good luck. You can make a big difference in your son's life. My youngest at 10 has the same issues but is so much happier because we never got mad at him. He's had a few troubles at school with impulsive behavior but they handled it calmly and logically without making him feel like a bad person. We've been lucky with teachers who let him stand at his desk to work without saying a word. He doesn't get any negative attention for being active but is generally the one who is picked to run errands. He scrubbed the floors for a couple of lunch periods after some messy volcano making and brags about having this extra time with his funny teacher. He has no idea that the teacher is doing any of this to keep his mind and body active.

Some of his grades are worse than others. Instead of getting mad like I did with the oldest, we just follow the teacher's lead and say, "too bad for you." What do you think you could do differently? She has a "no excuses" policy for finishing work and doing a good job.

Sorry this is so long but I have a soft spot for the boys who get in trouble.

A.,

I agree with the other responders. Have his football coach talk to him. After awhile, mothers just sound like blah, blah, blah over and over again, and we get tuned out.

My daughter is only in Kindergarten, but one day she was absolutely horrible at school. I was so concerned that I took her to the doctor to make sure nothing physical was going on to make her act so ugly (for me she is a sweet, well-mannered, interesting girl with lots of joie de vivre; she comes across differently for her teachers as being unsettled, stubburn and defiant). Her daddy and I had been trying for weeks to explain that a slight adjustment of her behavior at school would make all the difference. She just heard blah, blah, blah.

I took her to the doctor, whom she loves, the doctor said the same things I'd been saying, and voila, total attitude adjustment (she is physically fine, too). Her behavior at school has been marvelous (knock on wood), she is doing the expected work, showing the proper respect and I think she has finally figured it out. Sometimes kids just need to hear the same thing from someone different whom they love and respect. Please ask his coach to talk to him.

By the way, it's spring. Wouldn't you rather be outside? Maybe you son is thinking about all that warm sunshine going to waste. . .

A.,

I agree with the taking away of things he likes as punishment, making him earn them back, but have you considered that maybe he has attention issues? I don't want to jump to a label but if he's getting in trouble for not paying attention and his grades are suffering, please take him to his pediatrician and just ask what she/he thinks about it. If it is something like ADD/ADHD then it's really not his fault if he can't pay attention as well as he should. Yes, one of my sons has ADHD and showed these signs and more and he almost failed school because of it.

Just consider this in addition to your regular work at getting him together.

I have a very well behaved 6 year old who also has trouble focusing at school. While he doesn't have behavioral problems at school, it is still a problem because he can't focus enough to stay on task during class time. We recently had him tested for ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. There are three subtypes, Hyperactive/Impulsive ADHD, Predominantly Inattentive ADHD and the third is a combination of the two. He had six of nine symptoms for Inattentive ADHD. He's very smart, but has trouble maintaining focus. He can be distracted by a word in a story, a thought, an action, etc. Have your child see his doctor and be tested and discuss treatment options. Also, check this website; http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/attention-def.... It's been very helpful to us. Good luck.

You know, sometimes what kids need is more time outside when they can't pay attention in school or one on one time. So maybe you don't need to punish him, but spend time playing with him outside. Check out Richard Louv's book, No Child Left Outside. If he is continuously getting in trouble at school and punishment isn't working, maybe something else is going. Has something changed in his environment, is he going through a mental growth spert? Maybe special time with you is what he needs.

I hope th is helps, it might not be the kind of answer you were looking for.

A.,

Maybe you should explain to him that in order to participate in sports he must keep his grades up and behave while at school, you could also trying having his coach talk to him, my husband has coached football for many years and many times parents are in a situation like yours and they ask him for help, and alot of the time it seems to work. If he plays Pop Warner, they require a grade point average, or the kids will have to turn in a progress report, showing that they have improved. Hope this helps.

About me: Mom of a 21yr. old college jr. (daughter) and 8yr. old (son)

I undertand COMPLETELY! I can't wait for this stage to end with mine either.
What I founds out is that certain foods make my son more hyper and less focused, many of the processed foods cause problems with my son. Try taking away certain foods for a few weeks and see if there is a difference. One of the things that I switched, I started buying the thin skinned friuit and veggies, and the ones we eat the skin, in the organic section of the store. Now is also a good time to plant your own garden and introduce pesticide and hormone free f & v's that way.
I hope it helps.

My son is 11 and i have had similiar problems with him. He is very unorganized, he gets in trouble at school and forgets to bring things home. His grades have also dropped within the past couple of months. His father and i are no longer together and i think this is the issue. He misses him and rarely gets to see him. I know your son gets to see his father but does he attend his football games? I think that he may be acting out that the only attention he seems to get is when he is bad. I agree with rewarding your son when he does good just a show of affection, a hug or just something to show that you are proud of him.

I've taken things away from my son and it doesn't seem to really bother him that it's gone and it doesn't make much of a difference.

I believe there is something that your son is dealing with. Something he needs to talk to someone about. I talk to my son little by little and he tells me somethings and breaks down about his dad and I try to be there for him as much as I can. If he won't talk to you have him talk to someone he trust, someone he feels he can be open with.

Does anyone talk negative about the other. Do you compare him to his father? Negative things are said to my daughter about her father which affects her. Although it's hard i try to be as positive about there father as i can and always let them know that it is okay if they love him as well as me. I don't want them to feel that they have to choose. I don't know the relationship between you and his father. I'm just throwing out suggestions that may help find a solution for you and your son.

Hope i've said something that will help.

Have you asked if he is bored or is he having a hard time understanding the coursework? Is he trying to be "cool" or seeking approval from other apathetic classmates? Has he ever been tested for AD/HD (attention deficit disorder/hyperactivity)? I know a family in which a son for many years showed those same signs and wasn't diagnosed until he was a teenager. Medicating didn't work for him, but at least the school was able to provide some accomodations for him to ensure he was learning. Sports actually helped him, so you might not want to take away the football. In any case, I'd try to find out if he is struggling or just really resistant to learning, and then remind him that you're not in the business of raising fools. If he's just being willfully ignorant, then you need to correct that behavior and you'll have to be creative with those who don't really care about punishment. If taking away goodies isn't working, how about increasing duties? My lazy ones hate increased chores around the house. Closet cleaning is a favorite for me. Love hearing the groans. Not enough, I call the inlaws. Everyone's got clutter and when they hear it's because we have little ones misbehaving, the village is ready to help. So, do you have a good garage that needs cleaning? Car washing? Something age-appropriate but painful enough that he'll choose to study a little more and pay attention in school. When he learns that he can be spending his evenings cleaning the drains versus reading a book, he might have a shift in priorities.

Is your son gifted? It's pretty common for some gifted kids to be so bored out of their minds in the classroom that they start acting out. Also, about this age is when eye sight can change (my 10 yr son just got glasses - he was having a hard time seeing the board across the class room). His sight and hearing should be checked. Talk to him and his teachers. If taking away things is not working to get him to pay attention at school, start offering rewards for meeting goals. Parents love spoiling kids who get all their work done on time and get good grades. Let him know this. My son's working on a project right now. I tell him, once your work is finished, I can refuse you nothing (and he wants to play a favorite computer game but is not able to until he's finished).

We had the same issue with my son. Punishments were not working to improve his behavior at school. My Mom (who has been a teacher for over 25 years with special education) advised using a reward chart instead. We worked with his teacher to have his behavior at school rated as red, yellow, and green. We recorded his behavior on a chart to track how he was doing. In the beginning, he only had to be on green for 2 out of 5 days and we progressively made it to 5 out of 5 days. When he reached his target for the week, he got to choose a reward. We did not make it a monetary reward but instead it would be things like a movie night where he got to stay up late and pick the movie, a game night where he chose the game, or things of that nature. It worked really well and within a couple months, we did not need the chart any longer. I hope this is helpful!!

As a teacher, I see this all the time in my kids. But, please please please do NOT take away football. A lot of time with my students, the best way I have to get them to work is by working with their coaches. If he has a hard time talking to you, perhaps his coach could talk to him?
As with other posters, there may be a reason - too hard or too easy- why he's misbehaving at school.

I also agree that reinforcement works much better than punishment. Reward him when he comes home with no note, it could be as easy as you hugging him and telling him he did a good job today. Create a reward system - each day he comes home w/no note (or a good note) then he gets a "star" - after getting 5 stars, he gets to have some TV time or computer time, etc. Use what he enjoys doing.

As a teacher I welcome parents who want to work with me to help their kids. Be open and talk to the teacher, perhaps she has some ideas too?

Good luck, I hope you are able to help him "fix" this before he gets too discouraged with school!

Has he been checked for ADD? My brother has add and had a very hard time in a classroom with so many distractions. He doesn't have the hyper part so he would just sit there but not get anything done. I think taking away the physical stuff is hard. If it motivates him then it is great but physical activity is so good for everything. Good Luck.

Have him evaluated for ADHD and chronic depression(which in children mimics ADD behavior, and that seems like a paradox but is true). My son had the same problems and once he was on Zoloft much of that behavior ceased. It's worth looking into, and also dyslexia which can lead to a great deal of acting out because of the frustration; he's at the age where it becomes noticeable that he doesn't understand the code of letters and symbols that everyone else reads with ease...good luck

If punishment isn't helping now, it probably isn't the answer. I wouldn't take away football.

Your kid may just have trouble paying attention. Sometimes I think this happens to boys whose brains are just too busy. Maybe teach him some strategies of multitasking in a non-disruptive way so he can be half-listening (which is better than not listening at all). For example, suggest drawing portraits of his teacher during class -- this keeps his focus on the teacher, but siphons off some of his extra brain energy. Or using a stress ball, etc.

If he's turned off responses to punishment, try bribery! If he is able to pacify the teacher for a week, offer a small prize -- give back something you've taken for example. I've heard that sometimes even cash for improved grades provides an incentive. Make sure he knows he's loved and that you're there to help him.