Help with a 3 Year Old.

In my experience, the times when my kids act the most rebellious are the times when I am unable to give them the most attention.
I also find that when my child is acting out like that, it makes it very hard for me to WANT to be around them. Which causes a vicious cycle :)

First off, I would very strongly recommend you hire, beg for or trade for help. Two very-active, very-different-stage children is making it very difficult for you, naturally, to be able to appropriately supervise your active little guy.

Second, your child is not behaving 'badly' -- he is behaving like a 3yo. They do not understand cause and effect, have no capacity to understand how anyone else can feel anything they cannot feel (so lack any physical empathy -- or understanding that little brother is in pain). They are not logical, rational human beings, they're very small children with very immature brains (his brain will be growing dramatically for another 20 years). Expecting him to remember and follow rules is like expecting a puppy to understand spoken language. It might be in his future, but is it not in his present.

What 3yos need, to feel safe and okay about themselves is constant, non-stop, alert supervision. That will be the case for most of the next three years.

This is why getting assistance, even just having another parent with similarly-aged children, around *most* of the time is good sanity management.

I have a five-year old who is very much like your three-year old. He is a lot better now, but there were days that I just wanted to lock him in a closet all day. And the problem was, and sometimes still is, he does things to get a reaction. He likes to control my emotions and so he would purposely do something to see me freak out. I finally learned the best way to handle it is NO EMOTION. Absolutely act like you do not care. He will still have consequences for what he does, but you will deliver the consequences with no emotion, no yelling, nothing. Just don't get mad. I know it is a lot easier said than done. But if you try it you'll see - he won't act up as much if you're not getting mad. It's no fun for him. Another idea is - spend some quality one on one time with him. Play a game or read a book or just hold him for a while. Work on your relationship with him. This works too. This kind of kid needs extra love and attention. I have three boys and my oldest is the only one like this, so far. My four year old isn't like this. We will see about my one year old. Good luck.

I have a superb book for you to read. It's called "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. It talks about getting to the heart of why your child does what they do and helps you to help them understand it. It's the best parenting book my husband and I have read.

J.

We have all had those days (or weeks or months) and it's particularly difficult when your husband is out of town. I would advise hiring a babysitter for a few hours to get away. Call a friend and go out to lunch or just do something by yourself. I have found that if I can just get a few hours to myself out of the house it's easier to go back to being mommy.

I think the one thing it seems that he is looking for is attention. My husband also travels a lot. My father, growing up, also traveled a lot. I have followed my mother's advice on this. I try to make it fun while Daddy is gone. We eat what they want not what daddy wants. We play games that daddy doesn't like to play. They also know that while we get to play more, they have more expectations of helping out also. I also make it a rule that they go to bed 1/2 hour earlier when daddy is gone. This gives me time to cool down for the day. I have four kids 11, 7, 4, 11 mo. When they do what I consider naughty things, but they think are funny I try to look at it from their stand point. My four year old locks me out every once in a while. I talked to him and realized it was his way of telling me I needed a time out. I try to talk to him about how sad it makes me feel. They need to know that you have feelings also. I used to think that was manipulation, but it is communication. They need to learn to read body language also.
As hard as it is for you, create some craft or let him help you in the kitchen cooking his favorite food. My four year old loves to help me clean. I give him little things, like cleaning up his baby brothers toys while I clean the rest of the room. I find that the more attention I give him the better behaved he is. Trust me it is hard. My baby has medical needs that makes this very difficult. But he becomes a "big help" by laying on the floor and playing nicely with "his baby". By knowing "I" need him, he calms down and helps. The terrible two's is really the terrible threes, but I would like to assure you that 4 is MUCH better!!! They still act up, but the older they get the more you can communicate with them and help them understand you and you them.
Hope this helps!

I remember those days when it seems like you are going to go crazy if they do one more thing that is naughty. My kids are 5, 7 and 15 and some days they still can drive me crazy. I still do time out with my kids when they are acting up and my 15 year old said he to old. And yes he is, but if he wants to act like a little kid and behave wrong he will have time out also. Hopefully your little guy will grow out of this phase soon. Just don't let him see that you are getting mad because that sometimes makes it worse. Because then they know they have won.I walk Away for a minute or two to regain my self so I can go on. Its hard but it will pass. Hopefully things get better. K.

Hi J.~
Let me just start off by saying that you are 100% right saying that 3 is worse then 2! But I do believe this is a phase and he will move out of it...my son did, thank GOD. But I can understand your pain now. My husband is gone alot two and Im a stay at home mom with a 4 yr old son and 2 yr old daughter (20 months apart) and there are days that I think I am seriouslly going to pull my hair out.
The best thing I can tell you is you will survive!

But in the meantime...what to do with the little angel right?

Ok, maybe time out isnt working for him. Does he sit in the same room? I found when I started making my son go to his room (and I took out all his toys and books) that it got the point across alot more.

One other I would suggest is maybe stop giving him choices. He is 3, not 13. I know, Ive read to give a child 2-3 choices, but I personally dont agree. I think if they have too many choices they become overwelmed and may have a hard time deciding which one, so they "pick" neither.
Also, I believe (and like I said, this is only my opinion) that if they are offered choices on certain things, they will soon start EXPECTING choices on everything...like meals etc. My children eat what I make..they may not always like it, but they eat it.
I hope that didnt sound harsh.

Also, you may want to just spend more time with him one on one. He may feel a little left out with little brother in the picture??? I dont know?

Ok, those are about my only thoughts...GOOD LUCK and PEACE be with you and your family :)

This is old school advice here. First - no more choices. I would switch to military mode. This is how it is going to be, like it or do without. Still show love, but don't wavier on choices. Your son has learned how to exploit choices. For just plain misbehaving (hurting the baby, locking you out) I would advise a grounding. Take away a favorite toy, show, or activity for a few days. By the time our kids were teens they knew a grounding was for two weeks, no matter what the 'crime'. They knew the consequences ahead of time and that helped them make their choices. You are not only teaching loving behavior to your children, you must teach them to respect others - starting with Mommy and her rules!

J. -

we have been using the Love & Logic program since my son was about 18 months old. He's 3 1/2 now.

It does work - and it works well!!!!!!

Of course, there are days when it seems like nothing is working, but stick with it. My son has gotten the hang of things and does pretty good with making his own choices. He knows what the word CONSEQUENCE means and we follow through all the time.

There are days when he chooses NOT to make a decision and that is ok. I can ALWAYS decide for him which usually isn't what he wants. So this lesson too, he has learned quickly.

Give your son the options then let him pick. If he can't or won't then you decide and he needs to deal with it. Sometimes my son doesn't care for my choice and acts out. Well, it's time for a break and to think about what decisions we have made. (Also, we have started to do TIME OUTS on the couch. Less to do, nothing to play with. He has plenty of time to think)

I'm sure that you are doing all the right things - just keep doing it. When you are at the end of your rope, take a breather and don't lose your cool. Have a couple of back up plans - and think of these when you are NOT stressed!

We need more children to start thinking for themselves and to be able to decide the small things before life gets more complicated for them.

You're doing good - just stick with it!!!!!!

D. in milwaukee

sounds like you've got your share of problems! i have a 11 month old son and just learning how to deal with his actions. no matter how many times you tell your kids no they dont seem to remember so then they do that thing again. if he locks you out again make sure you carry a key with you so that way you can get back in the house. being a 3 year old kids dont remember things very well so try to explain to him why you're mad at him and why it's not a good idea to do the things they do. you have to remember that kids are curious and they are learning new things everyday as they grow. he might also want attention being that your husband is not always home he might miss his dad and is trying to test you to see how far you go. try to put those feelings and frustrations aside and make it constructive like teach him something new. keep him occupied.
hope those ideas work.
you're doing great!
E.

I agree with you about the terrible threes instead of the terrible twos. My son went through this type of stage at three. I found it very difficult to keep my patience. I think you are doing great. I put an extra key in a hidden place out in my garage because I was afraid he might lock me out, too. Another couple of good parenting books I liked were: Discipline without shouting or spanking and Getting Your Child from No to Yes. We try to do the choice thing too and he caught on to that really quickly, saying "you don't give me very good choices" or "I don't like these choices" and we just stay firm and say, well, those are the choices so you need to pick one or there will be no choices at all, we'll just pick for you. My husband has to travel sometimes too and by the time he gets back, sometimes I have just had it. It is all part of the growing process, they are trying to assert their independence and get tired of always being under our authority. Totally normal behavior on your son's part but very trying for you!! Hang in there! It is a stage and it WILL get better. We had some awful days and then those would usually be followed by a wonderful day. I used to call them the devil-days and the angel-days. I promise you, it will get better.

I am a beginner with love and logic, too. I actually took a class at my church, and I liked the class. We were able to talk about specific challenges with our kids and get feedback from the teacher and other parents for how to implement the love and logic principles.
I read through the other responses and it was interesting. My husband is the "take charge and make them do it my way" person, and I am the one who tries to be understanding and give choices. Guess who they want to come to when they need something? Yep, ME! That can have it's pros and cons, but I like giving choices and letting my kids make their own decisions.
In reading your request, I was thinking that maybe the consequences need to be more "regretful." Here's what I mean. First of all, after getting locked out, I probably would have hid for a while (I know, it's cold in January and February). When he didn't see or hear you for a few minutes he probably would have opened the door to see where you were. Then, next time he wants a story or something else from you, "I'm sorry, when you locked me out of the house, I got too tired trying to get back in. Maybe if you get all your toys picked up it will give me a chance to rest and then I can do that for you". Our L&L teacher said to always be sympathetic, but to let them know that their actions have a consequence.
I have more ideas, but my 20 mo old wants my attention.