Help!! Summer BFF Leaving.. How Do We Help Her Cope?

Updated on July 22, 2011
L.C. asks from Hillsboro, OR
6 answers

My 6 year old DD has found her friend for life this summer in our new neighbor's 7 year old daughter. These last 5 weeks have been nothing but best buds at each other's door as soon as they can, playing outside in the yard until the sun goes down, sharing secrets, cookies and a puppy. Our new neighbor’s are wonderful people and I look forward to the next few years. Only catch is my DD BFF will leave in less than 3 weeks to go back to her Dad’s home for the school year a few states away. 

I have been mentioning to my DD that she will leave, but its come up so quickly and we have a week’s camping trip planned – so really, they only have less than 2 weeks left together. My heart breaks for my DD – I am almost in tears as I write this watching them play so effortlessly – running, laughing without a care through our yard. The BFF will be back for the holidays, spring break and then again next summer. How do I comfort my DD when the space that her BFF filled is empty? Do we cancel or shorten our camping trip so they can spend more time together? HELP!

Also just to mention we live in an area where there are very few kids for my DD to play with. So there aren’t many other easy kid play options. 

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More Answers

L.L.

answers from New York on

S.H. has some great suggestions. Try to emphasize the ways they can stay in touch and don't forget that to a 6 y. o., emailing (or even snail mail) can be an exciting, grownup kind of thing.

I wouldn't minimize the importance of what is happening, but I'd be careful about canceling trips or constantly worrying about it. It's sad, but friends moving away is one of those things that will come up in life again, and again. My 9 y.o. has also experienced it, and yes, it was a wrench. In her case, email filled the gap for a while and they had a great, fun correspondence. Recently it seems the friendship might be petering out a bit, which also happens. Maybe it's best that we help our kids see that these episodes are an opportunity to learn how to keep friendships strong, but also live through their transitions, too.

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M.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

I know you probably don't want to cancel the camping trip which I completely understand.
Could you invite the other family to come along?
I highly doubt they would allow just their daughter to go alone.
Then I would get the pen pal envelopes ready for them to write each other.
I did that as a kid and loved it. Kept those friendships up that way.
Also, be sure to get some great photos of them together this summer.
It will capture a great time and become such a fantastic memory.
Also, give your daughter something to look forward to when her friend leaves: for ex., after her friend goes, take her school shopping at the mall, take her out to a fun or fancy dinner just the two of you, get her a gift to take her mind off of it, can you arrange any play dates w/other friends she may have after her friend leaves?

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

They can be Pen-Pals....
Or Skype each other....
If you know the Dad... is a normal decent nice Man/Dad.

Or, they can still be friends, and KNOW that they are summer friends.

They will be fine ya know.
I think it is harder for you.

IS your daughter sad or is she fine about it????
You said your heart breaks... but did not say if your daughter is too or not???

If she is fine, don't make it an issue.

K.I.

answers from Los Angeles on

I would probably reschedule the camping trip if I could, then I would buy some stationary for the girls, pre-address the envelopes for the BFF, find out her Dad's address, then tell them they can be pen pals! That would be so neat, they could write to each other and keep in contact....

Here is to hoping they stay friends for years to come!

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S.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

I have a 9 year-old daughter who loves to play with friends. We've had the experience of friends moving - she had a friend who lived in the next apartment who has now moved. I found that kids are very resilient and can handle change and loss.

I talked with her about the move as soon as I knew it was coming, I brought it up occasionally so she had a chance to feel some of the loss ahead of time. Remind her of the times she will see her friend during the school year. I would suggest also talking about other fun things you will be doing and new experiences she will have and plan things for her to do. I wouldn't cancel the camping trip - that will make lasting memories for your daughter, too.

I discovered that even though a loss like this is real at age 6, 7, or 8, it may be less long-lasting that loss as an adult. Learning to handle change and loss is part of growing up and we can't shield them from experiencing these things.

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

I would not re schedule the camping trip it will give her something else to be thinking about. I would however encourage both of them to write out envelopes with their addresses on them. they can write to each other thru the school year. What a great way to start out a penpal relationship. They can write about school etc.

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