Help Me Help My Four Year Old - Says There Is a "Mean Boy" at School

I don't know how he can be "yelling" at her and the teacher doesn't hear. Not saying this isn't happening, but it does sound like either the teachers are oblivious (not hearing the "yelling") or your daughter is embellishing a bit.

In any case, hitting and spitting are definitely out of line, especially the spitting. You should teach your daughter to tell the teacher EVERY time and if the teacher does not stop it, then she needs to stop it herself by hitting back hard EVERY time.

BTW, it doesn't sound like the kid is bullying her, so I would not use that word when talking to her about it. Everything doesn't qualify as "bullying" and it doesn't sound like that's an issue.

You could also tell her, quite truthfully, that sometimes that is the way boys get the attention of the girls they like. They don't know the proper way to get their attention, so sometimes they do it improperly, but they definitely get the attention they're after!

I would simply coach her. Every time this boy touches her, she should stand up and yell, as loud as she can, "YOU STOP TOUCHING/SPITTING ON ME/HITTING ME/PULLING MY HAIR! LEAVE ME ALONE! GET AWAY, YOU BULLY!"

Each and every time.

She isn't standing her ground, so he continues to antagonize her. She needs to get loud and make sure EVERYONE sees what he's doing.

My son went to two years of preschool and one year of PreK (summer birthday and we wanted him to wait a year) and never had any problems. Never. The only time he wasn't on green was when he was goofing around in the bathroom or too loud in the hallway. Never because there was a fighting problem. I think he was one yellow 2 or 3 times.

This year he went to kindergarten, so second year at this school. He was on red twice in October. I was horrified!!! He had never done anything like this. Turns out he had a hard time adjusting to new teacher, she taught 1st grade last year and wasn't nearly as patient with the kids as his PreK teacher was, it was a bigger class (11 last year, 20 this year), etc. Also, the boy he had conflicts with also went to his daycare center after school. It took awhile to connect the dots, so to speak. (His teacher was really, really bad at talking to us about things. We had to always seek her out.) It wasn't until March that we realized it was this particular boy he had a personality clash with. He might not even have had so much trouble with him if they weren't in the same class AND going to the after school program together.

My point in telling you me very long story is that it might not be as simple as, he's a mean boy. Hitting, yes, that needs to be reported. Spitting and hair pulling could be her interpretation. Maybe he's just goofing around. I realize I sounds kind of naive or clueless, but he's a boy. He might be use to goofing around that way. Many boys are. It's true that he needs to learn that that behavior is not ok, but it's not really the same thing as "mean boy."

We told our son to play with other kids. This didn't always work, as he and this boy did enjoy playing together. The daycare teacher said they loved playing together and she had trouble separating them. She also said, neither child was innocent and neither child was completely to blame. Sounds about right to me.

Encourage her to avoid the boy. Encourage her to play with other kids. Remember that when school starts, the situation will be very different. School is not the same as summer day camp. The structure is different, and the discipline is different. You can mention this to the teacher in August, but I really wouldn't worry too much. This is not the type of thing that goes unnoticed as much at school.

And don't assume he's a "mean boy" and she's completely innocent. It's possible that she has said or done things that have hurt him or confused him. Remember, at this age the teacher's motto is, "If you promise to believe only half of what they tell you, I will promise to only believe half of what they tell me." She is probably telling you exactly what she perceives to be the truth, but her perception is that of a very young child. Listen to what the teachers tell you they've observed.

I think addressing it with the teacher is your first step. Also ask that they be placed apart.

The thing is your daughter at this young age is going to come across a lot of kids that she just doesn't work well with. I remember in the beginning of my daughters Kindergarten year, she hung around a boy who was a bad influence on her. She came home with yellows and reds instead of greens which were good days. I had to keep telling my daughter that during working time in the classroom she needed to stop sitting or being near this child or she would continue to get in trouble. Eventually she listened to me and started having good days again.

The key is to tell your daughter to do her best to stay away from this other boy. Also tell the teacher you'd prefer them to not be by each other if possible as your daughter complains about him. In time I do believe you're daughter will figure things out.

I would tell her to shout out loudly and clearly, every time this boy touches/ hits her. At least the teacher will have to keep them separated during classes, since they will not like the disruption. Teach her to speak up every time, and maybe more will be done to control that boy. Also, if you know anyone who knows a martial art who can teach her some very simple self defense moves, or you could put her in a martial arts class. She can learn to "block" him and maybe she will also be able to teach him some respect, all on her own. She should not have to deal with this when she should be learning. Maybe you could also invite the boy and his parents over for a talk and work things out.

I am the mother of a grown son and a 6 yr old daughter and can I just tell you that the child you have at home is not necessarily the same child they have in school or camp? I used to get compliments on my son's behavior, politeness, and manners from everyone but at home, he was a handful to say the least and manners were definately not a strong area for him. My daughter will come home and tell me "Grace is mean to me". While at the school for a class function, it turns out that Grace is the daughter of an old acquaintance of my hubby's. While the dad's were talking, Grace tells my hubby that our daughter is mean to her. My guess is that they were both not being so nice to each other. They are now good friends. That said, this is the advice I will give you (it's what I always practiced with my kids):

Tell your daughter that you understand that the boy is being mean but she also needs to be sure that she is being nice and friendly even if he is not her friend (They don't have to like each other or be friends but they do have to be nice to each other). If he just makes faces or something she should just ignore it....no reaction tends to take the fun out of it. If he says or does something to or at her, then she should stand up for herself.

The next time, and everytime, the boy SAYS something not so nice, she should say "Johnny, that's not nice and it hurts my feelings". If he DOES something physical (like hitting, spitting, tripping) and the responsible adult doesn't intervene immediately (probably means they didn't see it) she should say "Johnny, don't hit me" or whatever he "did". By verbalizing what is happening, the teacher may hear it even if they didn't see it. If that does not alert the adult, she should be sure to tell them herself.

*Just read some of the other responses and I wanted to add that not every unfriendly or mean act is "bullying". Kids misbehave, they are learning how to interact and be social...being bad or inexperienced at it means they have more learning to do, more practice is needed but doesn't always mean "bully".
**Your daughter is telling you the truth as she sees it. My guess is there is a little more to the story or at least another side...there are usually at least 3 sides (the two involved and the full, unbiased truth that is usually somewhere in the middle).

I have a 7, 4 and 1 year old and too have had this issue - particularly with my son in preschool this year. Only, my nanny has personally witnessed on several occassions a particular boy bullying both my son and others.

I would say ditto to what other mom's have said, she needs to firm, and in a noticible (albeit not shouting) voice say something alongs the lines of "Stop hitting me. It hurts and its not nice."

Along with this, I've been talking to my son about how friends treat eachother. I ask him yes/no questions and then lead into "So is "Andy" acting like your friend?" I'm teaching him to use his own brain to realize that "Andy" is not someone he should want to hang out with or activey seek out. I've also used this as an opportunity to teach about not being able to control what others say/do. That sometimes you have to choose to separate yourself if someone isn't acting nice.

Your daughter and mine would probably get along great! (Look at my last post for more info.) Anyways, I'm working on getting my daughter to draw attention to the situation "So-and-so, do NOT touch/hit/push me!" Every single time the particular kid does something. We practice, practice, practice, but she has yet to actually do it at school. My girl is also an introvert and doesn't like talking at school (she chatters non-stop at home).
I've repeatedly made the teachers & director aware of what's going on and we've agreed that until she "finds her voice," I will leave the teacher notes on her report of what happened the day before. It doesn't help "in the moment," but at least they can recognize the pattern. I'm torn between understanding as *a parent* that this boy probably needs more hands-on time with parents/teacher and he's just acting out based on his experiences. But as *the parent to MY kid* I don't think they should allow him to continue to be at this school (he messes with other kids besides just mine).
I read the other comments and I'm surprised by how many parents suggest that this isn't really bullying or your daughter may be "elaborating" the story! All I can say is that you know YOUR kid--as I do mine, and if the situation worries you, you have every right to pursue a solution! I'll say that at least you just have to worry about the one boy! We're having issues with girl-cliques and the "mental games" that go along with that ("you can't play with her because she my friend!")--already!
I like the suggestion of enrolling her in some martial arts/self defense--I might actually look into that for my daughter! I did it when I was in middle school and it was a huge asset to building my self-confidence!
Good luck mama! Trust your kid and trust yourself--if you don't stick up for your kid, who will?!

Hey -
I read all of the replies and I think you got a lot of information to absorb. I also read your response - which sounded good as well. But, I saw that only one post said that you should ask that they be separated in school. I heartily agree with this. I hope and pray that your school has two classrooms for this age group and that you can get them separated. I do agree with most of the parents that this is probably innocent acting out on the part of the boy and MAYBE your daughter is doing something that is annoying him as well. Who knows? But you know what? They are both young enough that he is not going to nip this in the bud by summer's end. He's just going to do it more surruptitiously.

There was a "bully" in my son's class in Kindergarten and 1st grade ( a girl). The teachers did NOTHING. He was actually in a small private school and I pulled him out and put him in public school 95% because of this girl. So, I HIGHLY recommend you get them separated.

Good luck,
L.