Help!-Parents Dropping off Kids for "Free Sitting"

It sounds like you have resolved this and I want to say kudos! I read through several responses and saw a lot talking about it being illegal to watch so many kids or more than one family. So my question is, if I let my daughter have a slumber party with 8 or 9 kids, it's illegal? Or if I let several children in the neighborhood come over to swim or ride bikes, it's illegal? It's illegal for me to watch all my nieces and nephews one day? I really don't think it's illegal unless I'm accepting cash and that is something you are not doing. I think you need to stop providing free child care but don't use made up excuses. Maybe it is illegal but I would actually ask an attorney that one so you don't look ignorant using that as an excuse if it's not true.
If you are going to watch some here and there, I would ask them to pack a lunch and juice boxes. I agree that you must have set the tone to let them think this was okay and it sounds like you are changing that, which is great. I used to be everyone's sitter too but have found a way to stop that. I don't mind once in a while but it has to be fair to everyone. I trade off with one friend, which works well. She watches mine one day, I watch her's the next. Good luck!

Hi C.,

Looks like I'm a little late in viewing your question - plus you've already received some wonderful responses, but I just wanted to chime in. I cannot imagine parents feeling that they are entitled to leave their kids at your home without arranging times in advance, and and without offering to reciprocate ! Every other parent I personally know just has to either take time off from work, or enroll their kids in a summer program, and wouldn't think of expecting someone else to fill in for babysitting.

I personally would be even more hesitant to leave my child in your home for any period of time, if I were in the postition of the other parents, considering that you home school and run a home business and most likely have very important lesson plans and things to accomplish during your day, and I would probably offer to take your kids off your hands for a day to give you a break!

But after years working as a nanny (now I'm a mom of a two-year old), I know how these things can happen. You probably have a very kind demeanor, and your home is probably very welcoming so the parents feel it's an open invitation, and the kids I'm sure love to be in your home, which even further compells the parents to want to think it's all right to take advantage of your kindness.

Many times when I was nannying, children would just "show up" to play all day with my "charges", which of course I never wanted to say no to, because it cuts down on the kids' summer fun with their friends, but then I never felt right when my employers came home, as they were incredibly lovely people, and the house was turned upside down because I didn't have time to sneak in those straightening projects I liked to do for them.

On top of that, it was never the lovely children whose parents allowed this to happen - no, the parents of those children would check in with me, very respectfully, offer to pay me themselves for the time I spent also watching their children, and always seemed to be just as happy to whisk all the children off on an exciting adventure, leaving me paid time in my employer's home to peacefully attend to cleaning and other services I performed, or plan meals and activities, which I really enjoyed, and hopefully helped the house run more smoothly.

No, the children who seemed to just "show up" would often be the ones that started fights with my "children", or amped up the drama and chaos, or just were super unpleasant to be around, and pushed boundaries, negatively influencing my "children", and causing me the stress of tracking down their parents when I had to leave the property to do things with the children for whom I was caring. And no wonder those parents were happy to have their children away for long periods - fighting with my "children", rather than each other at home, which their parents I am sure had tired of.

I can't even imagine what it must be like when all that is occurring in your own home, which you have to then try to recover from whatever state the visitors have left it in, and try to regain a sense of peace and order, knowing very well the next day it will probably be "cycloned" again, and cleaned out of food and treats you have purchased for your own family.

I know how excruciating it is to have to be the "bad guy" and say no to parents, or even harder, to other kids who want to play, and none of our advice on here can truly make that easier for you. However, whenever people seem to think it's just fine to use your home and time like it is less valuable than their own, you have to ask yourself, "what are the messages I'm sending, verbal or otherwise, that make people feel this way?"

Perhaps you are so easy-going, and friendly with these parents, that it gives the impression you really have no important business to attend to that their children being over would interfere with - so I would work on boundaries, and finding ways to even cut off chatting with these parents with a friendly but firm "Oh, I have to go to pick up the ....," or "I need to check my emails and fill an order asap ..." so the parents really get the concept that your time is as precious as theirs, and begin to treat you as though your home and time deserve respect. If they are too clueless or self-absorbed to pick up on that, the next time a parent shows up with a child I would greet them, and then immediately look at their child with an apologetic face and say, again friendly but firmly, "Oh, I am so sorry Brian/Mary, but we can't have a playdate today because we are very busy doing x...." Don't even leave time for their child to get involved in playing at your home, because your resolve will fade, and it will be that much harder to send them home.

I hope this helps, as it sounds like your own desire to preserve others' feelings, which is a lovely quality, is making it difficult for you to run your own home smoothly! I always remind myself, though, that the energy and time you expend not wanting to inconvenience others, is actually taking something away from your own family, if it is inconveniencing you, and that it is much worse to take away from your own family than someone else's!

Sorry this is a marathon response, but your question really struck a chord with me and I feel your stress and pain - hope it will continue to resolve in your favor !

Love,
K.

I'm always the mom to add another angle. My bet is - that you've done something to give them the feeling that you don't mind this. I find it hard to believe that a whole group of people are rude in the same way and are all just taking advantage of you. I have friends who have similar stories - but when you actually witness how they interact with these supposed people - they are saying things like "no worries - it's no bother at all!" "It's fine - don't worry about it" Only to complain about 5 minutes after they have left and say how "not fine it is!" You have to at some point in your adulthood say what you mean and mean what you say.

I could see one person really taking advantage of it - but a whole group? Hard to believe. You apparantly are a pleaser. So you probably tell people what they want to hear. Then when it's all said and done - you are unhappy because you didn't look out for you. Look out for you - stop saying that it's okay. OR if you have these people trained already about dropping their kids off - tell them that you have changed your mind - that this many kids in your house is making your life harder. That you really don't mean that it's "no problem" anymore.

Maybe I'm wrong - but I've heard this story before and while the parents may be taking advantage of you - you opened the door and showed them how to. Have you heard of the law of attraction? I know misery loves company - but I'm better at telling people what I think rather than what I think they want to hear. You can take what you want and leave the rest.

Best of luck. Start looking out for you!

OMG!!! I can't believe how rude some people can be. Ok first off if one of them calls to see if they can drop off their kid say no. If they ask why say that you don't run a day care and taking care of the neighborhood kids is preventing you from being the kind of mom you want to be to your own kids. When they say their in a bind b/c of spring break or summer vacation remind them that the school year is on a set calendar so it’s not like they just announced spring break on a whim, then give them the # for the local YMCA. If they try to just drop off their kids tell them that you have plans for the day and you can’t be expected to change your plans just b/c someone didn’t bother to find a sitter. And lastly, IF you decide to take in someone’s kids for a little while make them agree to a pick up time. Don’t let them get away with saying they’ll be back in a couple of hours. Get a time and a cell phone number. If the time for pickup has passed call them and keep calling until they get their kids. If they don’t answer leave a message telling them that their kids have eaten all your food and since you can’t go shopping with all these children you are going to start feeding them left over Easter candy. When they do finally pick up their kids present them with a bill for overtime. $50 per hour (or any portion of an hour) sounds about right.

Good luck and be strong.

I get the feeling that you are searching for a way to get out of this without being the bad guy. Unfortunately there is no way to get out of this without confronting these parents.

You said that you just want the kids to be gone--so tonight--(right now if you can) pick up the phone, call each of the parents and tell them that there is no more dropping kids off at your house. Either that or you can confront them in person the next time they stop by--but I suspect you would be more comfortable on the phone. You can be nice about it--just tell them that you are too busy trying to get your own work done and just can't do it anymore. Its really that easy.

You will feel SO much better once you have those phone calls behind you. You are a more patient person than I am--the first time that happened to me I would have read them the riot act!

Hi, C.;
I know to an extent how it is to be in that situation. I think you should call or have someone else call the moms the night before, and then the next morning pack up your kid(s) and books if your business allows and go for a field trip to the library. Leave your door locked, and get out of Dodge before anyone comes over. You don't have to do this too many times at all. But along with the calls ("Just to let you know, Fran, we will not be able to accept any more play dates with anyone unless they are scheduled one week ahead and we meet at the park where the parent is required to stay with their own child for the entire 45 min. we play") I bet if you are just plain Not There in an unpredictable manner, they will not be able to take you for granted. I hope you implement some of the ideas you are given, as I think you are ready to not have this going on any more! You could also send out post card announcements in the mail, sounding business like and everything. In calling or writing to these moms, don't focus on the cost of their child's stay, or they will just bring over the lemonade and the kids. State plainly that you are having some changes in your home business that require you spend less time Entertaining. Hope it is solved quickly for you. J.

Hi C.,

Wow, what a hard place to be in. I feel your pain- you are being taken advantage of!!! My suggestion is the next time a parent contacts you to see if they can drop off the kids for a few hours, tell them " No,that doesn't work for me". Whatever you do, don't explain yourself- (Simple and clear)If they ask you why (which they will) or tell you all about the bad predicament that they are in-) repeat yourself again. These parents are taking advantage of you being a kind person-- they are walking all over you!!! you are a working mother and you don't need to explain or feel bad about saying NO~ Consistency is the key- once they have asked a few times, and you tell
them the same answer, they will eventually get that you aren't going to give in. It may feel harsh or mean of you at the time, but it's not. You need to do the best thing for you and your family- you are not responsible for irresponsible parents who won't find childcare for their kids. Be strong and you can do it! Good luck to you and I hope this advice helps. I know how hard it is to say no-- but you can do it!

Molly

C.:

Hello! I too am a little late in responding to your request.

I too work from home but don't home school (I bow to you! I don't have the patience). We have some kids in our neighborhood but not that many.

We did have a family who assumed that because I had worked for Kindercare that I was a licensed provider and could drop their kid off anytime. After about a month of this, I told them that I cannot watch their child as I am not a licensed day care provider in Fairfax County and could be held legally responsible for injuries and my homeowners insurance didn't cover it. They walked off in a huff and moved out of the neighborhood about a year later. We will have two homes on the market this year - would LOVE to have more kids in the neighborhood - one is a SFH 3 bd, 2.5 bath, 2 car attached garage at the end of a cul-de-sac. The other is a 5 bd, 3 fb, 2 car attached garage semi-detached TH. The SFH has about 2000 aq ft. the 5 bd has 3K......food for thought! :)

I like the idea of hanging a sign on your front door with rates for children. MAYBE the parents would get a hint. But really - stop them cold.

I have my kids set up for RECPAC this summer at Lake Anne. It's not a whole day program but allows them time out of the house making new friends.

I truly hope that the other parents see the light and will stop their rudeness!

best of luck!

Hang a sign with you rates...by the hour plus meals...then the parents will get the message
Or you can just tell them what you told us...sometimes we just need to be clear on what we need otherwise people cant read our minds...somewhere along the line you let them think this was ok with you and maybe at one point it was but it no longer is so be nice and speak up
Good Luck
Blessing
B.
www.BanishtheBadMoodMama.com

Hi C.,

As a homeschooler and student myself, I can see how you are easily targeted as a 'safe' place for someone to leave their children. However, the letting down of your standard has consequences on your children as well. They see that you allow people to have their way with you and the problems it is causing for your family. You must take back the sovereignty you have let go of for the convenience of the neighborhood. Your children will see and model whatever traits you demonstrate to them. I encourage you to strenghten the walls of your family and home...with love.

I agree with these other moms. Simply refuse to allow these other parents to drop their kids off. However you want to do it - not being there, calling the parents ahead of time, not letting them in the front door in the morning, etc. As a working mom, I spend so much time finding appropriate daycare, summer camps, etc for my kids - I absolutely can't understand what these parents are thinking who are dropping their kids off at your house! How can they possibly think it's ok to take advantage of someone else's hospitality like that, and then gallivant off to work (or shopping or wherever they're going)?? Good luck to you; I hope you can get these unruly parents under control, and soon! You deserve to have your life back!

It's fantastic that you're getting better at setting boundaries! That can be sooo necessary when you have parents like this. I had a similar problem with a parent in my neighborhood (who has since moved, Thank God!) I was in Grad school and working from home, but she assumed that since I was home, I would be willing to watch her kids on days off from school. She did the same thing to other neighbors who stayed home with their kids. One morning, I witnessed her come out of her house with her kids by the hand, and go from door to door at the neighbors' houses, and it was very clear what she was doing, even though I knew it was her day off work. I knew she'd be at my house before long, so I got my kids ready with their shoes on and told them that they were going over to her house to play for awhile. When I answered the door, she said her standard, "(her sons) are bored and looking for a play date," I responded, "Fantastic! I have so much work to do, I could really use a break! I'll pick them up this afternoon." and with that, I shoved my kids out of the door at her and closed it behind them before she could answer. I picked them up about 6 hours later, noting with satisfaction that this time the 4 boys had trashed HER house. I followed this up the next day by bringing my kids un-announced to her house 1st thing in the morning, and said that they had had such a good time the day before, and I really had so much work to do, what with being in the middle of finals, would she mind watching them again?

I had tried other tactics, including telling her that just because I was home didn't mean that I could watch other kids, saying no, explaining that we had other plans, packing all of the kids into the car after she dumped them off and spending a few hours running boring errands, sending them home 30 minutes after she dropped them off... She was just completely clueless about the effect of having kids dumped on you without invitation, until she got to experience it for herself. She never did it to me again. Good luck!

NO WAY! FREE DAYCARE???? PLEASE put a stop to this right now! All the other responders have said things that I would say to you, so I am just here to support you in your quest for freedom from being taken advantage of! One person in particular, echoed my sentiment, so I copied it to reiterate:

"You can be nice about it--just tell them that you are too busy trying to get your own work done and just can't do it anymore. It's really that easy."

Then, I saw the name of the poster - my friend Maggie B., of course!

Hi, C.-

Actually, it is illegal for you to be watching multiple families kids in your own home unless you have a family home day care license or are a registered nanny. Since it's obvious you do a wonderful job of watching the kids, no one is going to bang down your doors, but these people need to realize that they are putting you in a bad position legally.

Well, I could gripe about all the things I think are crazy about the situation, but that probably won't be helpful. :o)

I agree that you should simply call the parents and say "thank you for entrusting me with the care of your children. Unfortunately, I cannot assist you any longer, as I need the time to adequately attend to my business and my children's education." If they complain about short notice, that's tough. I used to go to work with my mom a lot if a baby sitter bailed and school was not in session. And summer time? Hello, plenty of local summer day camps, etc.

Where is your husband in all this? Or partner? You can always have him be the bad guy if you don't want to be.

Good for you! Give yourself a pat on the back. I'm sure it was hard to muster the courage to confront them but you can be proud you did it... and you are showing your children, through example which is so much more powerful, how to be strong and not let people take advantage of you. A bonus! I hope this new system renews the energy in your home and brings you peace as well as better quality time. I'm so glad it was so successful.

Take care,
Liz

Technically it's illegal for you to be taking care of the children of more than one other family. But I think this is really an issue of you finding the courage to tell your friends directly, but kindly, that what may have begun as a logical and friendly arrangement now feels like you're being taken advantage of. I bet most of them don't realize that it's actually an inconvenience to you. (amazing, but possible/true). I wonder if you could ressure them that you like spednding time with their kids (I'm sure there are good aspects) but that you want to be the one to invite them over rather than being the drop off day care.

Please let us all know how this turns out for you...I'm dying to know what people who think it's OK to take advantage of someone in this manner have to say for themselves. This is the craziest thing I've ever heard! People are nuts to think you should take care of their children all day (or even for an hour!) for free just because you are at home. I'm in shock! Can't wait to hear how you handled it and I hope your home is a lot less stressful and less populated place for you very soon.

Tell them "sorry, I can't." That's it.

Hi C.,

You are a Saint! I am so glad to read the update and that setting boundaries and using your voice is getting the results you need! This is a great example that your setting for your daughter too. It isn't far off that we always must teach others how to treat us...not right or wrong, it's just what it is!

S.

C.,

I have the same problem. A few months ago my husband and I tried to be nice to our son's friends and tell their parents that they could come over for a playdate one Saturday with the kids. Every since then, they come over after school and every weekend. Being that we live right across the street from the school, it's hard to keep the door closed because I wait for my kids to come home. Their parents would just drop them off on the weekends and say they would be back to get them in a few hours. Well, a few hours turned into eight hours leaving my husband and myself to try and feed these boys. And they are healthy (meaning they like to eat). A few times my kids forgot to lock the glass door and when they got dropped off, they just walked right in. My husband and daughter was upstairs taking their nap and I was in the basement on the computer. I heard someone coming down the stairs and here they come. My husband woke up horrified because he said at first they walked into the room where he was and he popped up. Recently I started closing the door and telling my kids to come through the side gate afterschool. I also make sure on the weekends that my kids are busy outside the house. Soccer, swimming lessons Gymnastics anything just so the parents stop taking advantage of my husband and I. I said I have three of my own to take care of. I can't take care of peoples other children just because they don't want to take care of them.

Hi,

We are a homeschooling family in the area too, from CA a year ago. We have several kids from 10yrs to 5yrs old. Are you part of any homeschool organizations where the kids go on field trips or do sports with other homeschoolers?

P.S. I am glad you solved your problems with drop off kids...I am always on guard for this myself.

Yes, I do believe that this very frustrating to be in this situation. I also believe in the saying, "It takes a village..." . I would not watch any children unless the favor is returned. You and the other families could really have agreat circle going. I can or can not agree with your situation and what is written in the posts because each has many valuable pieces of information. However, I would not expect you to have pay for the bill for all of the entertainment. That could get expensive. I have 3 children. Ages 12, 7, 5. They have friends that want to come over. It is just a part of them growing up and wanting have visitors. My 7 year old has his friends over, but he goes over to their houses just as equally. My 5 year the same. Now, the 12 year old. This is the age where as teenagers you want them in your house to see what is going on. I do not mind them visiting, however,they raid my fridge, that is why I have a jar to put change in. If they want snacks stocked up again, then the jar better get full. It often does. They have also learned that if they wish to return, the house has to be in the condition where it was before. It often gets done. Someone even volunteers to take out the trash. I am a SAHM also, however, I do not have a business or home school schedule. But, you might consider setting specific days. When my children started getting into the socializing stage, I too was overwhelmed, however, when I saw how happy they were, the social skills they learned, that they all got along, then I didn't mind. That is priceless. Think positive. Be patient. It always works out.

Uh...illegal for kids to come and play at your house????
NO! You also can watch kids for pay without a lisence...up to a certain amount various by area....I'm glad you did not use that as an excuse as that would have looked like you are just hunting for an exucse. I'm glad you set some boundries as these are your times with your kids and when they / or you wnat them to have frinds over that is a different story.
Barb

I got this a bit late but good for you setting distance - I find it appaulling that they would impose on you liek that- I would definitely sugget everyone taking a day during the break so that you can still so soething with all and expose them to all the moms activities-
You sound like someone they really trust with their kids- but that imposes a problem-

just say no! tell the parents you have a lot going on and cant keep the kids. be nice and polite about it, but be firm.
tell them to get with you before visits to make sure it's ok and for the time period to get them back! if you do decied its ok.

Not sure about your situation. Is this only during the summer? I doubt these kids are missing school.

It's terrible that people would take advantage of your situation. I have had to deal with situations when coming to my husband's family's kids. Then it comes off as if your the bad guy. I don't care, It's my sanity and my family that comes first.

When you're too nice, you get taken advantage of; after the first time these parents did this, you should have nipped it in the bud. It's all working out and you're standing up for yourself. Good for you. Remember this as a learning experience.

They definitely knew that they were taking advantage you; they knew they had a good thing going until you stopped it.

Have you ever heard of the words, "Sorry, I'm too busy today to watch your kids" Why are they just dropping off their kids? If it is for your kids to have someone to play with, you need to set specific days of the week that you want them over to play with your kids and let the parents know this at the beginning of the week which days they can come over. Yes, they are taking advantage of you until you tell them "no". When do your kids go over to their friends houses to play? Why not ask the other mothers if your kids can come over there house while you do your work from home? You need to speak up.

Glad you found resolove for your problem - but I wanted to clarify something too - In Virginia - and I'm not sure where you are but in Virginia you can watch 5 children in your home without the need of a License - I am a Licensed In Home Childcare Provider here in VA. There are different regulations depending on what county you live in as well and the number of children in your own home do make a difference too. Different states have different regulations they go by. Unless those other parents go and check it would be very feasible to let them know you can't watch their children because it is not allowed.

Hi C., I just wanted to say you did a good job of disentangling yourself from this and I get it because I've been there. At first, you are happy to see the kids, it's somebody for your kids to play with and you're fine with it. But then, the parents don't come back when they say they will, and it all escalates. You don't want to be rude to the parents and you are sort of shocked that they would do that, because you wouldn't. And yes, some of the parents don't have alternative childcare options and have decided to just take advantage. Some of them are maybe just careless or don't get it (especially dads who think it's just a woman thing.)
I wonder too if it doesn't go back to the days when kids just hung out during the summer with very little supervision, (that's what we did) and it seems sort of natural. But the bottom line is each of those parents is responsible and should of course realize that it's never ok to take advantage of another's hospitality, NO MATTER HOW NICE THEY ARE ABOUT IT. That's BS to say oh it's because you were so nice. That may have made it worse but they are adults and they know that that is not cool, and one should always offer to reciprocate.
That is just plain good manners.
In the end it's been a good learning experience about human nature I suppose. I hope you enjoy your summer.

I didn't read all of the responses, but an idea that might work, or might help get rid of the abusers, is to start a small group, where one mom/family hosts a play date each week/day/month whatever. This will encourage them to share the responsibility and maybe create some relationships instead of potentially destroying them. Of course, these moochers really weren't in it for the friendship anyway, were they? At least you can try this for the "real" friends.

Good luck
L.