Handling Children When a Death Has Occured

Hi J.,
I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I used to work for a wonderful organization called The Wellness Community. There is a local Arizona branch in Phoenix and there mission is to provide emotional support, education, and hope for people with cancer and their families. All of the services are free for your brother and your family. Please check it out. It is a great resource. Particularly ask about Family Circle. www.twccaz.org is the website or call ###-###-#### and ask for Christina.

I am no expert, but I would be honest with them to the point that they want to hear. If they are asking questions, don't lie because it can make it more confusing for them. I would find a councelor that your family can trust to help you with the issues also.

My heart goes out to you. God bless you.
C. Robles

J. -

I just went through what you are going through. In December, my sister lost a 3 year battle with breast cancer. Fighting till the end, she left her husband with 3 very energetic girls (8, 6, & 4). Her last year our family took turns going back to Wisconsin to stay with her and her family and help out. My sister kept a journal for each of the girls, she (with our help) bought them each a special necklace for them to have forever to remind them how much she loves them, she made a scrapbook for each of the special things that they did and what she saw was special in each of them, these scrapbooks contained pictures and objects (like a leaf from the park) plus a little paragraph. Even though the girls are still little, they treasure these items and when they are feeling sad they know they can always find their mom in the pages of her scrapbook. My sister also found a good grief therapist for the girls which has helped them more than any of us could. If you can't get them into therapy there is a great journal called "Angel Catcher: A Journal of Loss & Remembrance" by Kathy Eldon. It is a journal that takes you through the stages of grief and ask questions to help you work through your feelings. That book helped me deal with losing my sister. My prayers are with your family.

For me, it isn't too bad because of my faith in God. I tell them that it is his time to go home. They (the nieces) can help him by telling him things they would like him to remember when he isn't there (sort of like if he were going on a long trip and you are saying goodbye). You can help them by telling them what to expect at the death and helping them to remember him in better times. Tell them to express their love to their Dad and their concerns to the rest of you. Tell them that it is okay to cry and to talk about him after he's gone (just like if you were missing someone who had gone on a long trip that you weren't able to call for some reason). Help them find some way to remember him throughout their lives - a special name he called them, a shirt he wore, a story he told, etc. Also, you need to let them see you grieve, so that they know it is okay to do so.

This is a difficult time for everyone as no one likes the idea of loss. That being said, death is a very natural process, tho painful for us to lose one we love. How wonderful they can be there during this time...loving their father and supporting each other. Just love them, support them and help them express their feelings. Allow them to feel all the emotions they will feel. Helping to understand the greiving process will help them, too. There being there will be so much better for them then if they were not. This is part of the life cycle, and our society has made it such a hush hush topic ... that is part of why we get uncomfortable with it. Give them the space they need for themselves and with their father. HOw lucky they are to have such a caring aunt! Blessings to all of you.

J.,

Your brother is so lucky to have such a caring sister! More than anything, your brother's daughters need to know that God brought us to families. We will be reunited with our families again after death, for our existence did not begin here, and it does not end here. This life is a time to gain experiences. When we leave here we go back to that God who gave us life, and thanks to Jesus Christ we will one day be resurrected and reunited with our families. Although your brother may pass from this life, he will no longer experience the pain of this life. But he will still live, in spirit, and laugh and love as he does now. He will be reunited with your father and others who loved him. And he will wait for the day when he will be reunited with his children, and you as well.

I pray that God will bless you and your family as you pass through this difficult time in your life.

J.-
I am so sorry to hear about your family suffering. I would suggest getting the girls into a play therapy kind of thing and possibly get them a Big Sister through Big Brothers Big Sisters of Central Arizona - www.bbbsaz.org- this would allow them a mentor- someone besides a family member to help them deal with the grief and loss of their father. They are always looking for girls. You may also look at www.cirs.org to see what other services are out there for them, as well as your family.
God Bless you all

I am so sorry for your brother and all of you! Prayers go out to all of you!

Remember that children are smarter than we realize and they appreciate the truth! Do they know he dying? It all needs to be explained to them, what he has and what it means. With my beliefs I would also make sure they understood that when he goes he won't be suffering anymore and he will still be with them. I would encourage them to talk to him now and after he passes. Children are amazing with what they understand and can handle when given the truth and facts.:-) I will pray for them too!

Good luck to all of you, you are in my thoughts and prayers!