Getting That *SPARK* Back....

Get him to agree to counseling. It saved my marriage, even after 2 affairs. Half of all marriages end after the birth of the first child, people are just not prepared for the changes a child brings. A therapist can go a long way towards getting the 2 of you back on the same page. And although I am not religious, there are some great tips in the book "The Love Dare".

The fire of the beginning sex fades in every relationship. The main thing you need to do now is find your way back to your foundation as a couple. What attracted you to him in the beginning, and him to you? What did you do together and talk about? How well do you know each other? Try building sensual intimacy. Is there someone who can watch your daughter for a few hours or an evening? Try to find things that you enjoy doing together--watching sports, cooking, painting a room! See if you can reconnect. Hold each other in bed at night without having sex. Try to really listen to each other. If you can't find a place to start on your own see if you can get professional guidance.

We all bring so many things to a relationship, good and bad. We learn from our parents, friends, etc about relationships. My suggestion would be to see a counselor who deals with relationships and go from there.

Take care
J.

yeh yeh, but apart from all that, how was the holiday?

I agree with Jen C. I think having a child starts a chain of events that completely challenge the truthfulness of your relationship, it puts strains on all levels, personal time, priorities and it changes your role from hot GF to Mom.

I think you are having a lot of stupid agruments because there is something really wrong and neither wants to talk about it. Fatigue, boredom and lack of free time can also contribute to this. I definitely think if he is agreeing to therapy it's the likely the only thing that will save you from a break-up at this point. Someone who will get you to talk about the REAL issues at hand and how to overcome them. If it works well, if it doesn't or he doesn't agree to help, then you know not to waste your time anymore and move on.

I am using my self as an example - I am 33 and divorcing after having first child. Wewere together 9 years, last 5 of them married. The problems were always there, but I refused to face them until I became a mother to another human being. It was a turning point that forced me to do the right thing, like an eye opener. I am more confident and I know who I am. I know it was painful but it was the right thing for me, our relationship had been dead for years.
Don't be affraid to make a decision and stick by it.
Life is not over just another begining ahead! :)

One thing my hubby and I agreed on before baby was date night is priority. We waited about 6 yrs before trying to have a child. Low and behold, I got pregnant the first try...we were NOT expecting that.

We agreed to never forgo date night unless of sickness or something coming up that was unavoidable. We are approaching 22 yrs married, 25 yrs together and we have a 15 yr old daughter.

We went out on date night before baby and declared it priority after baby. We have followed through with that and not missed many date nights to this day. Right now we save $$ because daughter is usually busy with her social life or babysitting for a neighbor.

I must say it helps to get away from it all, baby, house, etc and have time together. You don't have to go all out on $$. We have gone from one extreme....shopping in mall alone, me tagging along on golf practice, going to NFL,NBA,etc events on date night....even to sports bars to watch sporting events.

We like sports...so we follow certain teams and will go to a sports bar or event to do so, hubby is a golfer (semi-pro) so I tag along a lot to watch and critique, other times we have a great dinner at a 5 star restaurant. It is not the $$ you spend on date night......it is the time you 2 have together. Our date night sitters ran $60-$80 a week not including what we did but it was FAR worth keeping the communication open and relationship on course.

Good luck and hang in there. Get some mom/dad time alone...NOT talking about work, baby, etc. Talk about things you want to do, places you want to visit, etc...you get the gist.

we had some similar issues but after 7 miscarriages we adopted a three year old and then i stayed pregnant with twins, so with in 8 months we had three children and guess what boom they all have some pretty serious health issues. so needless to say my husband and i lost a lot of each other going to dr appts to find out what was wrong and well they are 9 and twins are 5 and we are still going ot der appts but it is easier now and we have a handle on all there diseases but it wouldnt be if we didnt go to therapy, make regular date night and we communicated. I worry you are starting the classic avoidance syndrome and that will have ytou loose your spouse even more. yo aboid him or the converstaion so there is not an arguement. What you can do is write on a piece of paper, questions not the answers like things he is interested in, things that bother you two about having a child, favorite song, what is the first song on your ipod, if you had time to read a book what would it be. Start going to movies on your date night, do not go to dinner that is too much pressure to be alone one on one at first, the movies you are physically there enjoying one comming denomonater the movie but it has to be one you both want to see, not going ot see his flick for him, does that make sense., if you cant afford the movies or he doesnt like them then you start by making 5-10 minutes where just you two sit alone on the couch watching a mutual tv show or movie, no getting up to do laundry if anything get cokes for each other and a bowl of popcorn, sit on the couch you do not even have to sit near each other but the same show for the same 10 minutes, then make it longer like 30 min or a entire movie, do this once a week to physically get that feeling safe, right now you are probably feeling like beign near him is the last thing you want to do. but just being by each other with out talking will help tons.
also there are some book like the 5 love languages or you can go on line to focus and the family and click on the issues you are describing. If you can I really pray and hope you two can get to a marriage and family therapist. this will truly help too if he will not go and you can afford to you go but it of course would be great if both can do it together. get someone to watch your child out of your home so you and your husband are alone doing what you do in the hosue with out her, you do not have to be together at this time just feel the presence of eachtoher with out your daughters interuptions and attention doing the laundry or him watching hte game or you both on the computer, what ever you do just her not physically there for an hour or two. get some decent sleep and work on the date nights. Also smile just smile when you can, it is hard to fight when you are smiling. Smile becasue you have a beautiful healthy daughter and you are alive and you have a body that works and you are smart and a great woman for wanting to get the spark back...etc you have a lot to smile about find that in the midst of his anger, change that tone around the home will be good for a bit and start a new feeling. oh if you are ready for more like to have sex or can tolerate one on one date night dinners, you can start by just lying naked next to each other in bed, if you are both not in the same bed, get sleeping in the same bed with clothes on and then after some time just lay naked, no sex just be naked next to eachother the entire night. sorry had to add more not sure where you are at with all this, good luck!
good luck!
J.

I not sure how long your relationship was..but sometimes it fizzes out between 5-7 years, also called the 7 year itch. Honesty, is the best policy. Connect with him with conversation that does not lead into arguements. Don't accuse him of things that he did wrong. Also, don't bring up things in the past that causes arguments. You need to let go of them. Remember the good qualities the made you interested in him the first place. Negative thinking will get you no where. Sometimes as a young mother it's hard to get away with just him and you. Since your daughter is still little, I know how tiring the end of the day can be. This means you need to schedule a date night with only the two of you. Start dressing sexier to bed like a favorite sexy night gown. Back massage each other and so on. Argue fairly which means no accusing each other, name calling, get the facts straight before jumping to conclusions. It takes a long time to get yourself out of the hole, but in time it should get better.

I do not advise this too often, but you might as well think about how to have life without him. You clearly were in love with love and not with him. Usually people are able to come to a standstill, or sidetrack these issues. If you didn't get excited about seeing him after being gone a week why think that he is a lifetime partner? You love your daughter, but you are not married to this man. And you don't sound like you planned to get married. Otherwise I would think that that was what was scaring you. Making it work means oftentimes backing off, seeing the other side and enjoying the other person as a friend, not just a lover. Great sex is in lots of beginnings. Great love is not. Great sex can be with many people., Great love is for the soul mate you have forever. Many people can make babies, but to fix a relationship you have to work at it. If you seriously think that you want to work on a relationship with him, then how can you not look forward to seeing him. I remember times when the house was a wreck but I cannot wait to see my husband after work or on weekends. What are your priorities? Houses get clean, then get dirty then get clean. Are you willing to let this love go for a room that looks like a hotel or can you accept life and him in his imperfections? He sounds like he starts a lot of arguments because he wants to be pushed away and not be guilty for a breakup. You on the other hand ignore him. That is something I have done. Because I know how painful it is for the other person. I don't think you have a spark to get back unless you learn how to light the fire so to speak with respect and love that does not come from clean houses or great sex or anything other than being with your best friend on earth.

yeah, almost like a deja vu.... i hope he is not cheating on you... just saying... i've been arguing with my husband for 1.5yrs after our daughter was born, until i found out he had an almost year-long affair when our baby was only 7 mos....