Getting My 3 Year Old to Listen and Not Hit When He Doesn't Get His Way

Totally agree that a little "heads up" goes a long way. My kids respond very well to 5 minute and 2 minute heads up. (I try to always give both.) When I give the 5 minute heads up, I often get a, "No!" or some type of whiny response, but they get over it. If I forget to give a warning, it's usually a battle.

I think at this age you have a couple of things going on (like the ladies before me said). They need to have some control over things. If you give them a head's up, they can control their emotions and how they respond. If you suddenly say, "time to go," they don't have time to be ok with it, so they feel very out of control.

Also, at this age they crave boundaries and when they get upset and hit, they are often testing you. Do you love them enough to say, no? Will you still love them even if they hit?

You can also try empathising with them. Say, "I know you're disappointed that we have to leave, because you were having so much fun. Let's try and come back really soon. What is something you'd like to play on next time?" Knowing that you really do understand what they're feeling goes a long way.

Just keep loving him! It's his job to test boundaries. If you remain consistent, calm, gentile but firm he will respond well and you will see his behavior improve. It will get worse from time to time, but ultimately you'll see progress.

Good luck!

Well... it's easy to say the words, "I'm sorry." It takes longer to learn what they really mean. Some people catch on when they're, say, about thirty-five, but don't expect him to understand much of it at three. It may be enough that he knows the words right now.

Three-year-olds are into testing limits, anyhow - some more than others. You may need to define very clearly what the limits are. Some toddlers hit to get attention; negative attention is better than none at all. So you might want to think about how to give him positive attention. You're probably giving a lot. Think about how you can possibly fine-tune it.

But wait, there's more.

Some things are not even good for negative attention. For instance, hitting somebody (Mama or anybody else) is wrong and the consequence is... (figure out what it is - not too harsh and not too cushy, and something YOU can stick with every single time).

Then you want to teach him to be attentive to you. That means that he listens to what you say, whether he likes what you say or not. You may need to tell him what you are teaching him: "You need to learn to listen to what I say." Then during the day, get his attention (he must look at you for you to know you have his attention), tell him something, and get him to repeat back what he heard. Do a lot of this for a couple of weeks.

Whenever you have to move him from one activity to another, try notifying him in advance: "Ben, it will be time to leave the playground/pick up toys/take a bath in five minutes." (He has no idea what five minutes means, but the idea is for him to listen to you when you say, "Leave the playground.") "Ben, it will be time to leave the playground/whatever in one minute." "Ben, it's time to leave the playground. Let's go." If he happens to get up and get ready to leave, praise him a lot! If he resists, you can say something like, "That's too bad," and take him home. Then you can let him know that because he didn't listen to you, he won't be able to go to the playground tomorrow. (Tomorrow is a very long time.) Maybe the day after tomorrow he can try again. That's the general idea.

You are matter-of-fact through all this. You're not mad at him, so he doesn't have to try to make you happy. He doesn't have to do anything but learn to be attentive and then obedient.

The thing about the sort of bribery you mention is that it's usually a bust. It's all right for you to say, on occasion, "I'm so pleased with the way you listened to me - let's stop for an ice cream cone on the way home." That's totally *your* choice, and in *your* control. But you don't want to put yourself in a position in which *he* dictates the conditions of obeying. That's contrary to what you want him to learn. Future treats are no match for present fun, anyhow.

This will be harder on you than it will be on him, even without the hitting. But press on.

Know matter what people convince you on their posts, you have already stated you don't want to convey the behavior you don't want yourself and we need to respect that and not lecture you why you are wrong. Have some respect for people's beliefs. No offense, Amy but please stop making assumptions on positively discipline children to reinforce your parenting style, it's kinda rude and a little immature. I'm not trying to be offensive at all, she just clearly stated she doesn't believe in that and your probably offending her by saying her belief is wrong and it just a little disrespectful to her that you just say her statement hitting teaches hitting is a myth because I assume your not a Ph D in child development, just sayin your statement is very much biased.

Personally, my child is positively disciplined and VERY well behaved and listens great and has never once hit another person and she is very very strong-willed and independent.

The book How to talk so kids will listen is a great book. They have examples of accepting his anger. Saying this must be very upsetting for you... say that in a sympathetic tone but not baby talk or too poor baby or he will get the wrong message. Seriously I didn't believe it til I saw her chill out. It's hard to tell you exactly what the book says because it is a 300 page book but it is worth the money :)
Saying I know your mad but hitting hurts in a firm, no nonsense voice. Give prior warning. That works very well with my daughter. They have no concept of time but just saying you can slide two more times or swing two more minutes then we are going to go bye bye. Even if you leave after 5 minutes, they don't really know but just the warning prepares them for leaving.
Good luck :)

http://www.positivediscipline.com/parents/archive/Hitting...

Awesome bring up Christy, I do that too when we go to the store and playground too. Totally forgot about that.

Jennifer reminded of giving it to them in fantasy lol. Like he gets upset and you say I know your disappointed because you were having so much fun. If he responds and cries he wants to go on the slide. You say I wish we could stay forever and slide or BETTER YET (excited voice) bring all the slides in the world to our house so we could slide on them all the time. Even into a big giant pool of ice cream. haha, kids really seem to respond positively to it that you understand and just feel better with the silly fantasy too.

This is a pretty normal struggle with three year olds.

The Love and Logic parenting books have some great advice on this, including detailed directions on how to use time-out more effectively.

Restraining a young child who is hitting can be effective. A proper restraint is a modified hug. You sit him on your lap and hold his arms crossed across his chest. Fold your legs over his legs so he can't hit you. Keep your arms below his arms so he can't bite you. Keep your head up so your chin doesn't get bashed if he thrashes his head back.

While they scream and yell and cry, talk to him calmly and lovingly. General type of conversation is something like: "I hear that you are upset. But hands are not for hitting. You are a good boy and I love you. I love you too much to let you hurt me. Your hands are hitting me. I will hold them so they will not hit me. Your hands are in time-out. When you are ready to control your own hands, let me know and I will let you go. Hands are not for hitting."

Your general affect should be calm, loving, and slightly bored. Do *not* offer bribery.

When he does calm down, praise him for calming down. Talk about how proud you are that he controlled his hands. Brag on him to your friends "My son was very upset and was having some trouble remembering not to hit. But then he calmed down and got good control of his hands! I am so proud that he was able to calm himself down!" *Now* you can offer a lollipop or something special as a celebration that he calmed down, if you wish. Just don't do so often enough that it becomes an entitlement. Celebrate his achieving self-control just like you would celebrate a sports or academic achievement.

These are the conclusions you want him to draw:
Hitting results in loss of movement and a bored mama.
Not hitting results in special activities and a proud mama.
Not hitting is the best way to get what I want.

And as always, if *nothing* seems to be working, consider the possibility of a sensory or learning challenge that is interfering with your child's ability to be the best person he can be.

Good luck!

I find that if I give my 3 year old a heads up of what is going to happen soon, that she behaves better. Before we go in a store or playground I tell her what kind of behavior I expect and what is unacceptable. I have noticed that if I tell her, "you can slide 2 more times and then we have to leave" , she is able to pull herself away with more dignity than if I suddenly say "it's time to leave." this usually works for us, but on occasion she still cries and I may end up carrying her out. Sometimes if I know we are going to a place that she will not want to leave , I show her a "prize" that she can have at the end of the day if she obeys quickly.

Hello. Hitting is a normal response for a child who is unable to communicate their feelings. They don't know what else to do so they do something they can control such as hitting. It is WRONG. It needs to be stopped. But it is our job to teach them other ways to communicate and handle their feelings. You got some great responses here. I have tried the hugging method of time out. Just be careful not to hold to tight because it can hurt the child without you even realizing it. I have tried "do-overs" after the situation is handled I have her give me one or two different ways she could have handled the situation without the negative behavior. I also give her hands a time out. I gently grab her hands and I hold them. I tell her "our hands are for hugging and helping...not hurting." We then talk about why she is hitting, how she is feeling and why her actions were inappropriate.

These ideas are not fail proof. She still occassionally hit but not often. She is now almost 5 and she knows it is wrong. She was punched in the stomach by another little boy and she stopped, looked at him and told him that was wrong and we don't hit. She then told a teacher. I was proud of her.

Hang in there. Your consistent response and actions will make it better. Unfortunately most of us have been there and we have survived. Good luck.

Kids today are not afraid of their parents. They do whatever they want to do because they are not afraid of what may happen to them if they do it. They will burn down the house because they know that mom will do nothing but put them in time out.

We also had this problem with hitting mommy when my son was 3. The hitting was so bad, I was getting beat up everyday and I was so mad and frustrated (boy that was a rough year for all of us!). We went to a child psychologist to help get Mommy and Daddy back in control. The psy does a method called TheraPlay (www.theraplay.com to find a provider), which is a very gentle playful way to put parents back in control. What she recommended, and what ultimately worked for us with the hitting, was to hold him, just as Karen Crisalli W. below suggests and use those calm words. It took 1-2 months of doing this daily, multiple times a day, sometimes for 1 hour long holds until he calmed himself. It was exhausting, but SOOO worth it. Our lives are so much better now that he has learned this is unacceptable. He is now 4 and we only occasionally have to use this anymore. However, if it does happen, and we are out and he hits, we leave immediately. At home, he gets held. And he HATES getting restrained, so it in itself was the consequence. I know how frustrating this is, because people would say "you can't allow him to hit you" or "you need to XYZ" . No Joke, you think I don't know he shouldn't be hitting M.? But it took a child psy to help for us to figure out exactly HOW to regain that control.

If misery loves company, you'll be happy to know I'm in the same situation!

Mine just turned 3.5 and is STILL not getting the message. I'm just remaining consistent and hoping he'll outgrow it still. I use time out the most, but in times past have resorted to taking a toy away, rescinding a popsicle offer or explaining to him that the behavior doesn't earn him an extra story at bedtime (if the offense is close to or during bedtime routine).

With a lot of his negative actions I simply repeat that good things happen to good kids and children that make bad choices don't earn the same rewards.

I will say I sometimes ignore the hitting: he is doing it mainly for a reaction from me or as a stall tactic b/c I stop what we are doing/what I need him to do to discipline him. Hitting is a way to get attention. This actually seems to work pretty well for not escalating things but will admit has yet to stop it completely. And he hits my husband much more b/c I think he's getting a bigger reaction. He seems to understand it's not going to work as well on me.

The hitting HAS decreased in the past few months but still is an issue.

good luck!

I forcibly pin my little boys arms down to his sides and tell him that he doesn't hit mommy and then I make him repeat it. While he still tries, the episodes are a lot shorter

I think it is just his age. Your idea about the lollipops is good--it's not really bribery, it's just sweetening the deal. Try to be moving toward something, instead of leaving something---like, let's go get an ice cream on the way home, instead of just "time to go, your brother needs a nap". (Also, maybe your younger baby doesn't Have To nap at home? ) Then go someplace with a drive thru so you don't have another exit-transition on your hands. Sometimes it is just the kindest thing to sweep the kid up and run out with him--if it's really time to go, and you do it kindly and sweetly.

About leaving the house, sometimes it helps if you just drop the hint, "we're leaving after this show," then a reminder, and otherwise don't be too in his face. And relax your expectations of what must happen to be ready to go--let him wear whatever he wants when possible, not brush his hair, etc.

Bribing is only the most temporary fix, and it could backfire. Depending on how you offer and what your timing is, your son could begin to see it as a reward for hitting.

Dana's technique is very good, and has worked exceedingly well for another problem hitter I know. It does require consistency on your part, but it pays off. Kids this age have very little impulse control (some far less than others) and still need to learn other ways to deal with frustration and disappointment.