First Teenage Love

Hi Frances,
I am a mom of 4 boys. My oldest is 31 was a srgt in special forces and his brothers are 18,19 & 20. wHAT EVER YOU DO-- DO NOT FOR BID HER FROM SEEING THIS BOY. i SAY THAT BECAUSE ---AS i WAS TOUGHT don't take from the cookie jar. the more it was said the more I took. Sounds like you have a great daughter,just be there for her, believe me it will work.But if you forbid her to see this young man-- that is all the more reason for her to do it, My oldest son has 3 children, the other boys are as I said 18,19 & 20. They are great. Not perfect by NO means But they have manners and know how to treat a young lady, It will be OK, just keep an open mind and set some boundries! Hope all works out, hope I was helpful.
J.(female) I typed that cause my name is so ugly and it should go to a man LOL
Good Luck. Please keep in touch and let me know how things are working out.

hey my name is S. and it might come to a shock to you but have you ever heard the saying about the prechers daughter well it is true i am 19 and i got pregnant at age 17 he is now 18 months and the reason for my pregnancy is because my parent had me on a leash i wqas not alloud to talk to this person or date that person which made me want to do it even more and when i did i got pregnant and myself and everyone around me had to deal with it i love my son and i no you have to have rules or boundary's but maybe allow her to invite him to dinner or something so you can get to no what kind of person he is she is in highschool and anything goes the lies everything you may think ohhh not my little girl but that is exactly what my parents though i would say ohhh i am going to the movies with a bunch a girls and end up going to a party instead sooo just a heads up

Frances ive gone thru this a least 3 times,I found out that you cant keep her from the guy if she is at school.What I did was talked to them and let them know what I was going to have and what I wasnt going to have.Let the little guy come over and see how they enter act with each other but I didnt let her go any where with him.Try that and see how it will work,it worked for me.After a while the love that she thinks that she have for him will probably go away.B. F

What a sensitive topic. My daughters are very young so I'm not faced with that as a mother, but I was a teenager that did all the wrong things...so I feel like I know something about that part.

I don't believe there is any one way to handle any teenager because every person is different. But here are a few things I learned looking back at my own experience with my mother and father.

1.) Try not to be hurt when your teenager starts to be a little more to themselves. It is natural to be shy about topics you know your mother might disapprove of. And as a mother how do you get across your views on such things and still have them tell you when they are feeling differently. My mom talked to me when I was about 13...she knew I was becoming interested in boys. She told me that if I ever thought about having sex I should talk to her about it so we could discuss maybe getting on the pill or talk about the boy in question....but then she ends the conversation with..."well I know you will wait until you are married." So I knew that I should never go to her and talk about it.

2.) I know that you are trying to give her room to breath and be independent but at 14 I think (from experience) that time unsupervised with friends is asking for trouble. I think unsupervised teens get into way more trouble than their parents want to admit. Even innocent trips to the mall are just invitations to do what they will. So you say when do I trust them. You do trust them but you have to realize that teenagers don't have the ability to reason....for the most part most will not be able to make an adult decision when put under pressure. I just read a big study where they studied the brain patterns of a teenager and discovered that the area of the brain that is responsible for reason and decision making is very undeveloped until the age of 19 to 20. Most kids can't make consistent responsible choices when put under pressure and unsupervised.

I know many will disagree with me, but I don't think they are honestly remembering their own teen years or even willing to admit that some of their behaviors were destructive. Most want to think that they survived and that makes it okay. I survived too, but not before I suffered physically, emotionally in some pretty horrible ways. I'm an adult now and over it, but I shouldn't have experienced what I did and it was because I was given freedom. I was a straight A student, I did chores, I helped with my brothers, I cleaned house, I cooked dinner, I had friends, I was nice and polite......but I had low self-esteem and would do anything to be accepted. I could say the right things to my mom and dad. I would repeat what I knew was the responsible responses...but what I did behind their backs was totally different. Because it is different when you are talking to your parents or an adult and you are pressured by a boy you really like to have sex. Or asked by a really cool friend if you want to smoke a joint. Put in an unsupervised situation where all your peers are doing things and looking at you most will do what they know they shouldn't because they can't stand the thought of being ridiculed or rejected. And that is the truth that everyone wants to deny.

3.) At that age I think most teens think their parents are out of touch. They believe that parents make a big deal out of everything. They will listen to their friends way more than their own parents. Don't be insulted or think you have failed. It is natural. I taught middle school for nine years. You don't know how many moms I talked to that believed their little girl always told them everything. They beleived their little girl never lied to them. They believed that their little girl was responsible and would never do anything stupid because they had a talk. There wasn't one year I taught that at least one good little girl didn't end up pregnant. That was in middle school. A recent Reader's Digest article said that 65% of highschool kids today are sexually active. I do believe their numbers are super low. I didn't know a single virgen in my graduating class...and several of my fellow classmates were walking the aisle pregnant. That was over 20 years ago...It is worse now.

I've often wondered why is that? I think we give our kids way to much freedom now. We want to be our kids friends instead of their parents. We are so afraid they will hate us or feel like outcasts if we impose rules that other kids don't have. We allow our kids to watch soap operas where it's cool to jump in and out of bed with whomever we please. Then we wonder why they take sex so lightly. We let them listen to music that glorifies sex before marriage and then we wonder. We let them pal around kids that we know are making poor decisions and then we wonder why our kids did some of the same things. We let our kids run around unsupervised at the mall, in the neighborhood, and at other's homes we don't know and then wonder why they got into trouble.

My first sexual experience at 14 was behind a movie theatre where my parents had dropped me off and then picked me up. My first drug use experience was at a girls house that they knew was a bad influence but they didn't want to hear me cry and tell them that they didn't trust me. The first time I got drunk was next door. My parents knew that they were not responsible parents, but they let me hang out over there anyway...because I cried and accused them of not trusting me.

I could have been a lawyer. Oh how well I laid out the reasons they could trust me. I made straight A's, I respected them, I was involved in school activities, I was inducted into honor societies, I always followed their rules....

My parents told me I couldn't date until I was 16. My mother relented when I was 14 because I cried and complained for weeks. Then they would pick us up and drop us off at the movies for weeks. They had no idea what was going on. I was a good kid...but I wanted to be loved by a boy. It was important to have a boyfriend. There was something wrong with you if you weren't dating someone.

My parents didn't have a clue until I was 17 and by then it was way too late. I always said the right things, made the good grades...most of the time I even had the nicest friends.

Too much freedom not enough reasoning brain power. It is a fact kids will often make the poorest decisions if they think they can avoid being caught.

I wonder how many kids out there will actually call their parents when they have been drinking? How many will decide to wait until marriage? How many will not experiment with drugs?

I worked with middle school children and high schoolers after school. I have three aunts that teach in different states. We all saw the same things. Parents pressured by their kids to relent.

I don't know what you can do for sure. What will work? You know your daughter best. But please remember that she is at an age where she will probably be more secretive and she's probably under a lot of pressure by her peers and this guy she likes. That weighs very heavily on a teens mind and they don't believe that parents will understand.

I would continue to talk to her constantly. Even when she rolls her eyes or turns her back. It is getting in there. And please consider limiting any time away unsupervised. Always try to make sure your daughter is in situations with supervision by adults that are like minded.

You can't watch every moment, but you can be vigilent in most cases. And isn't because you don't trust her. It is because you know the facts and you know the reality of teens. Society today give way to much credit to teens. Yes they are smart. Yes they are active in social programs. Yes they care about the world. But they are still teens subject to peer pressure and still feeling this uncontrollable urge to be accepted that they can't even explain.

Hope I didn't offend you in anyway. Just telling you what I've learned from real life experience. Just some things to think about.

I WAS your daughter, and my mother did not handle the situation well. I ended up rebellious and in a lot of trouble through my high school years. Here is what I will do differently with my own daughter: 1) Stand your ground. Don't give in to any snotty tirades about you not trusting her. Just explain why you think she is too young to be dating yet. 2) Find ways to give your daughter time with this boy in group situations in which YOU are always present. You need not sit in on their conversation, but be available to enter the room at any moment, or sit across the way at a pizza place, etc. Invite him as well as several other friends (boys and girls) over for a movie or game night. Take them all bowling. I don't suggest movie theaters (too dark). Take them to a water park in the summer. Get creative, but always in a group. Unfortunately, you can't always trust other parents to be like you, so use extreme caution when she gets an invite somewhere else. I had a friend whose mom would lie to my mother for us. YOU NEVER KNOW. 3) Give your daughter her privacy where she deserves it. Don't read her diary, or listen in on phone conversations. That will just teach her that you don't trust her. 4) Have honest discussions about sex. Use your own single parenthood to explain why you don't want her to make a decision that will make it hard for her later in life. It's easiest when you find a good partner who truly loves you and is committed to you for the LONG haul. 5) Don't try to reason with her about how young she is etc, - they just don't grasp that concept. You are the parent, and as long as she follows the rules, you will continue to respect her need for some privacy and allow her privledges like phone time, etc. But God made you her mother, and if she gets out of control, you must take action to assure her future. The best thing my mother did for me was pray - HARD! The worst thing she did was not stick to punishments. If you ground her, stick to it. She needs to know that even though she is on an emotional roller coaster, that you will remain steadfast. 6) Try to find little, non-public ways to let her know how much you love her, how proud you are of her. They act like they are too old for it, but no one is ever too old to feel like somebody cares. Leave her a note in the bathroom. Buy her inexpesive flowers on an important day, and put them in her bedroom with a good luck note. Pick out some nail polish you think she might like. Don't go overboard, but don't forget either. 7) Compliment her when she makes a good choice. Ask her what her options could have been when she makes a bad one. Don't lecture - help her to think things through for herself. 8) Don't blame yourself if she still gets in trouble or makes some bad choices. It comes with the territory. Seek professional help if it gets bad. GOOD LUCK!!!

If you want your daughter to open up to you, you can't overreact. It's normal for her to think about boys, that's
part of puberty. You need to give her your good guidance.
Take a deep breath and listen to her feelings. You will then see how immature it really is, but normal. We as parents have a tough job these days, but stay diligent and
teach abstinence until marriage. Believe it or not I think it is a relief for our daughters to be given strength from their loving moms about how precious there bodies are. Take your daughter out for one on one time, and you will be surprised how much she will open up to you. You sound like a loving and caring mom, stay close to her and keep the communication going. Have confidence in yourself as the loving mom you are and just guide her.

LOVING MOM OF A 16yr old girl!! A.

Hi,

I have read a few of these replies, but not all of them. You have already received so much great info. But, I too was that head over heels little 14 year old! It's pretty funny today, but back then my mother did not think it was so funny. She constantly bugged and pried into my "business." Which, today I know my business was my mother's business. However, because she did not handle it well, she caused me to only focus on making it "work." I was blind to the reality of the relationship, which was the fact that he was into me, but also into other girls too. Once my mom laid off, I opened my eyes and just a couple of short weeks later ended it on my own. But, only because it was my decision:)

The unfortunate thing is that she is a young lady and will fall head over heels for lots of boys. It's just what makes the world go around and what makes a 14 year old a 14 year old. As long as she realizes that she can have LOTS of friends, she will be just fine. It sounds as though you have already done a great job with her, just keep doing what you are doing. Most importantly, which is what I consider a must do in ALL situations, meet this boys parents. Make sure you are all on the same page. Yes, she will feel as though you are getting into her business, but explain to her that if she is going to spend time with this boy you need to make sure that his focus and goals are similar to her goals and focus. Explain that this is your expectation also for the type of friends she keeps. You should be meeting all her friends parents anyhow, but that is another story and I am sure you already do cause it just sounds like you are a very involved parent.
I have not hit those years yet, but my time is just right around the corner. I tell my son and daughter all the time that there is nothing that they can do or say or get by me that I have not already thought of or done myself. I just hope my lectures and constant involvement helps me out when that time comes. Whew...

Okay, I just saw a posting that said to let your kids make their own mistakes and learn the lessons on their own. WHAT BS!!! Yes, I agree kids will make mistakes, and yes they should learn their lesson on their own. Have these parents considered the difficulty in learning their lesson after getting pregnant? Are we to stand back and let these girls make this mistake as a teenager? Are we to just let them give up dreams and goals because we are to let them make mistakes and learn from them? If this is how today's parents think, we have a long stretch of road ahead of us. It is OUR job to teach our kids consequences before them make these mistakes. Please, of all the great advice you have received, please do not take that advice. That was really upsetting and unbelieveable!

Good luck!!

Based on my experience as a teacher of teenagers, what you tell me about your daughter's behavior seems normal and healthy. I agree with you that keeping your daughter away from boys makes matters worse. The strictest parents I've observed, by doing everything possible to prevent their kids from dating and having sex, usually alienated the kids AND did not get their wish, their kids abstaining from sex until marriage, or at least age of majority. Another possible result of forbidding kids from dating is that they don't get to start dating until much later than normal in life and thus miss the chance to develop social (dating) skills under your guidance, as was the case for some of my friends and me. As a result, some of us didn't meet mates or met our mates too late to have [our own genetic] children. However, I am not advocating letting kids do whatever they want whenever they want, e.g. staying out till sunrise every night, not letting their parents know where they are going or playing video games all night on a school night. Your family sounds fine right now.

Sincerely,
Lynne E

I just wanted to encourage you and say way to go! YOu are a wonderful mom. Teenagers are hard. We work so hard to meet our kids physical needs when they are little, bathing, feeding, making sure they get the rest they need, wiping noses and bums. That all of a sudden they don't need those things anymore and they become pretty easy. Then they turn into teenagers and they need so much other kind of emotional care. It is hard to change gears! SOunds like you are doing a great job. Thought I would recommend a book you guys might wantt o read together. "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Josh Harris. It is really great and me and my teen have read it together. Great things to talk about and think over together and tons of dialoge!

Keep up the great work!

Frances,

What I have to offer is how NOT to react. I too had my first "love" when I was 14. In the same boat, I was a good girl, got good grades and didn't want to share my love info with my mom because my feelings were tender and I knew she would be disappointed and then some....I couldn't take that. Needless to say she found out, she did switch up the rules on me some, like allowing us to meet at the library and group settings, but as teenagers we did find time to ourselves (I'm really not trying to scare you.).

When we broke up I was beyond heartbroken (I am happily married and about to be 30 years old and I can honestly say that this was my first love and the memories of the feelings attached to all that occured are still like yesterday). I needed my mom. I needed someone that loved me unconditionally and could allow me to have made a mistake and give me the space to be upset. That didn't happen.

Instead mom read my diary and proceeded to tear me down on my choices and she would give me this look of disgust and say "And you thought he loved you...."

It was more hurtful than the breakup itself. Almost like my mom was breaking up with me too.

At 14 everything is an emotional roller coaster and you are trying to figure out how to balance your morals and your hormones. Also, many girls learn about relationships through their parents and as for myself my parents were on the road to divorce since I was little so my model was not great.

The best I can say to you is to be there for your daughter. Don't tell her that you are disappointed in her. You can voice your concern but once you voice your disappointment it's like confirming her second guessing her ability to make good choices. She needs to be affirmed now and for you to come from a place of love and respect for her independence.

To tell her that there are rules you expect her to follow is fair with consequences that follow should they not be followed. But then also talk to her about how these feelings are normal and special and exciting. ANd in that they are feelings that should be respected and treated with care.

Knowing your little girl is on the journey of growing up can be scary...but go with her, be there to help her up when she falls (because she will) and be there to cheer her on when she follows her heart and uses her head.

Good Luck.

My 16 yr old and I went through something similar. First off remember she growing up, and she needs a little freedom to make her own (safe) mistakes. As she enters the teen yrs she may not confide in you as much. My daughter and I were able to come to an agreement on the dating thing. (she too isn't allowed to "date") To protect her from a possible bad situation, we agreed that if she was interested in a boy BEFORE they "went out" he had to spend a lot of time with our family. The boys would come for dinner, or just hang out. This let's them know MOM is involved, and let's her get to know them in a safe situation. This has actually worked out VERY WELL for my daughter and given me MUCH peice of mind. She tells the boys now that they have to spend time with us so that I will allow them to go out. She now uses it as a safe guard and LOVES it!! Yes, she was a little embaressed when we first started this, but now she embraces it and really appreciates that she get's to hang with a boy she likes and doesn't have to worry about the same pressures that the other girls she goes to school with complain about, and I don't have to worry about her sneaking out to see boys.

Hope this idea helps.

I am the mother of a teen age son (14) and a grown daughter (25) with 2 kids of her own (she is the one who introduced me to this site BTW).
STEP ONE: Calm down. Teenage kids are trying desperately to prove they are grown up and that includes pulling away from parents. They will begin to keep things private that they would willing share just a few months before. Don't freak out! It's normal. If you keep the doors open, she will eventually grow up enough to include you again.
STEP TWO: Make an effort to get to know this guy. Show her you trust her by letting her invite him and other friends over for pizza and a movie. Or volunteer to drive them to the movies or skating or whatever. Keep your eyes open and reserve judgement on the guy. If you're lucky, the whole thing will burn itself out in a week or two. Love affairs in middle school and early high school years rarely last long.
STEP THREE: After getting to know him better over a couple meetings, if you have concerns about him (rudeness, disrespectful, smoking, etc. other inappropriate behavior that you personally observed--not second hand reports), take the time to talk to her about your concerns. Don't threaten or yell. Just let her know you want her to have the best possible relationship with any guy. They should respect her and treat her like the treasure she is. Let her know that she never needs to settle for a guy who doesn't treat her right. Show her you love her.
STEP FOUR: Keep calm. This too shall pass.

Congratulations!! You're daughter made it to 14 before falling in love for the first time! Now a days, that's pretty conservative! I know it isn't what you want to hear, but you need to know that this isn't something you can really stop! The more you try to stop it, the more you'll push her away...and to him! The best thing you can do to maintain an open relationship with your daughter is to stop "preaching" to her, and to start talking with her. I know how difficult that will be for you, but you have to understand that her body is telling her to mate... her head is telling her it's wrong. She is feeling lost and confused, and needs an understanding mother more than ever!
I'm not saying you shouldn't be her mom, or that she shouldn't have limitations or rules...but there needs to be some open and honest communication here! She can't feel like she will be in trouble for having feeling for a boy! It's natural!
I had the same boyfriend from 13 to 17 years old. My parents had a very hard time with it, esspecially in the beginning. But one of the best things they did was accept it! Then I didn't feel the need to sneak around! They got together with his parents and together they set our boundries for us! I couldn't go to his house until I was 15... he could only be at my house in the family room or kitchen when my parents were home! He could call me on the phone, but I couldn't call him until I was 15. My parents didn't feel it was proper to call a boy?!
My parents had the sex talk with us all the time! We were told how natural those instincts were and strong they can be! Years ago, people didn't live as long, and they were having babies at 14. Our bodies still cycle to this. BUT, my parents were very adiment about the fact that we should never do anything that we are not fully ready to accept the consequences for! That stuck in my brain for me! I knew that in high school, I was not ready to have a baby or and STD! You're never ready for an STD, and babies are hard even when you are ready! Ultimately, we broke up because I wouldn't have sex with him...granted we were together for 4 years, I still couldn't bring myself to do it! Not because my parents forbid it...but because I wasn't ready for the consequences!
You have to trust that you have raised your daughter and prepared her to make the right choices! You need to give her a little breathing room! She can not feel guilty with you about any of this or it will only make things worse!

My parents always said to me and my siblings that although they do not agree with drinking under age, or having sex as teenagers that if we were ever going to do either....that we use protection and don't drink and drive! My parents took my sister to get the pill at 16 because she told them prior that she was going to do it. I commend my parents for being responsible about it and honoring what they've always said they would do! I knew that if I ever got pregnant, there would be no excuseable reason with such open parents! I was allowed to realize that I didn't want to drink or have sex in HS, because I wan't ready!! I didn't feel the need to rebel, because there wasn't anything to rebel against!
And none of my siblings ever needed to call my parents for a ride because they had been drinking under age and couldn't drive!
Sorry this is so long, and I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings in any way by saying some of these things! I know it's h*** o* you, but it's also h*** o* your daughter! She needs you to be strong for her right now, because she needs real life guidance! Remember how love felt before you ever were hurt! You have to be able to be happy for her, even if she eventually gets her heart broken! She will be stronger in the long run for having these experiences!
The toughest part about being a parent, is learning when to let go...and letting your children fall...so they can learn to pick themselves up again!
I wish you and your daughter all the best!
Take care!

Hi Frances,

my response will be a little different but it doesn't make me necessarily correct. My dad died when i was 13 and he was VERY strict. although we all missed him (i have 5 older bros and 1 sister) we had freedom that we never had before. i met a boy when i was 14 and fell in love. the difference is we wound up with 2 kids by 18. i'm 37 now and although we are divorced (we were married for 7 yrs) we are still good friends and still love each other very much. let her see him but be careful with the trust issue. my mom "trusted" me and i was the typical "good girl". never in trouble, good in school, etc. the thing is... a boy can turn a good girl into a sneaky, conniving, emotional teenager. you can only trust your kids, in the teenage years, with certain things. you don't and shouldn't trust your kids not to have sex, do drugs or drink. your daughter sounds like she is a great girl but be careful. don't just start not start trusting her but instead trust your motherly instinct and the direction God gives you. i just wanted to give you another opinion. good luck!!

I am a single mother of a 14 year old daughter as well. Take it from me, you cant trust a teenager. I thought we were close and she would tell me everything until she met this boy. It started off seeing each other at school then going out with other friends and seeing him there. Then all she wanted to do is be around him. I talked to her about everything i thought i was supposed to. I told her she could come to me and talk to me about anything and i mean anything. She came to me and asked me to put her on the pill. At 14 i just couldnt do that. It was like saying it was ok for my 14 years old, that is like saying its ok. I tried to watch her and make sure i knew where she was at all times but u cant always be with them. I found out a couple of weeks ago she is pregnant. I dont know if this helps you or not. There is no absolute answer since you cant always be there to watch them and make sure they do the right thing. This is my story and i hope the same thing doesnt happen to your daughter.

Since she is a good girl and will want to honor your rules, but will also want to feel independent, you should consider adapting the rules just a bit. Lay some rules around which she can see a boy she likes (even future boys). Such as, only in a group setting, or only with a chaperone, etc. If she is told she is never to see him outside of school, she'll feel like a captive (drama of teenage hormones is strong) and she will then feel justified in breaking that rule. If she sees that you are adjusting to her independence while still maintaining authority, she will respect you for that. I'm just drawing from my own parents' reactions when I was 14. Another thing to remember is that as a young woman, she is wired up to want affection from a man. Without Dad in the picture, she is more likely to be drawn to boys. You might try helping her meet those unspoken needs by going on a date with a grandfather or uncle that you trust. Someone that will treat her like an angel, open doors for her, etc. and make her feel like a queen for the night. Even though it's not directly related to her dating for real, it will help to fill her heart a bit with some positive attention from a trusted male, and hopefully lessen the draw a little towards this boy or the next one.

PLEASE PLEASE read what I am about to tell you..Don't be dissapointed in her or yourself but the situation. I was that 14 year old years ago and when I told my mother the same thing! AFTER she read a letter he wrote me she ran off and cried!!!!! Needless to say I was confused, ashamed, and lost. To make a long story short. I went through some hard times because she never handled the situation in a healthy manner. TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER and don't be afraid to keep her away from harm! My mother was not its like she gave me away. Perhaps reading a self-help book would help you relate to her. Also remember people/children can since feelings so just because you don't say it does not mean she cannot feel it. Good Luck and if you have any question PLEASE ASK! Its so sad to see young girls get taken advantage of and rushed in to things they don't want to do because they need to be loved.

There comes a point when you have to trust that you installed good morals and relax. Just like you said, you can not stop her from seeing him and if you do she will only find a way. At 14, I was extremely boy crazy and I am sure my mom felt the same as you but also understood I would do it anyways. You cant make someone change their feelings. She is a big ball of hormones right now too. I would allow her to see him as long as others are around and talk to him as long as she is being honest with you. I would say its not so much having a guy friend that is the issue but sneaking like you have something to hide. Also girls at 14 are nasty and mean to one another so I had a lot more guy friends then girl friends. I believe what you daughter is experiancing is very normal. Its gonna happen regardless. Educate her and keep things open so she can be safe with out thinking you will be mad at her for having a crush.

Hi~
I just read your 'after' comments on MamaSource and wanted to 'chime in'. I'm Mom to 4 grown kids and 'Mom-Mom' to 3 little ones. My parents made it clear from as far back as I can remember that I was responsible for choosing my dates/mates, and it made me very cautious and 'picky' about what guys I'd let myself become involved with (and I married the best one in the world in 1976! LOL He really is great for putting up with ME!)

I'm beginning to think our boys are taking relationships a little TOO seriously as one is 28 and one 22 and neither has ever really dated anyone. Oh, well, several of the men in our (husband's and my) families got married at rather late ages and stayed married. Our oldest daughter (30) is happily married almost 10 years now (and has the 3 little ones). Youngest daughter is 19 and just now having her first real 'date' with a reunited childhood friend for Prom 2008!

Anyway, I think the best strategy is to 'put the ball in THEIR court' and they'll take their relationships more seriously for their own benefit!

These are truly the challenging years. My approach is pick the battles you can afford to win and lose so in the long run you win the war.

What I mean is... invite the boy over, pizza night, family game time, go to the mall and let them have time together is a social environment. Of course you will be there with them but perhaps a step behind or in front of them. Totally not cool to walk along side of them. 

When last speaking with my 16 year old daughter, who argued that other families had different rules and kids are able to do a lot of “fun” things, I had to remind her of two things.
First of all, she is a child of a single parent family. Shouldn’t make a difference but unfortunately it does. I informed her that I am not necessarily interested in the rules of other families because I have no influence over them. I remind her that as a family we have our own rules for a reason and that is just the way it is.
Secondly, during those discussions when you get the impression that she is asking you to trust her, turn the tables on her and ask for that trust in return. Tell her that she is going to have to trust you because you have her best interest at heart, always have and always will. Especially when some of your decisions are not aligned with what your daughter thinks she should be allowed to do.

Remind your daughter that you only want what is best for her even if she does not agree with your decision. Meeting our teenagers half way or part of the way is key. It is a hard time as they try to fit in, figure out who they are and trying to act “grown up” and make decisions that are not always the best for them. As parents we watch them grow and encourage them to make decisions but we need to be there to guide them and support them so they do make decisions that impact the rest of their lives.

My kids are 16 and 20 and I am still learning and I know that will continue always.
Good luck to you and remember,you are their parent and not their best friend. You will become friends again later in life as they mature.
Best of luck !!

I recall going through this same issue with my 16 year old daughter last summer. Her heart was broken with her first "breakup" with a boy. I too, am close to my kids and thought we can talk about anything. I am very open and welcome them to come talk to me BUT you know they won't. They won't talk about this stuff to their parents. All I can advise is to be there for them and just listen. I try to spend time with my daughter whether its doing things together like shopping, going out to eat or just cooking at home. I am still learning everyday and hoping this teenage stage passes, we were once TEENS you know and nowadays it's rough. They deal with peer pressure, all this high tech gadgets, school pressure, drugs, sex, etc.....hopefully the foundation that we've provided our children will be there for them to use when they need to make the tough decisions. We just need to be there for them.....hope this helps from one teen parent to another. Best Wishes!

Let me start by saying this reminds me of a situation I was in at 14. My parents were so strict. My father went thru my coat pockets and found a note I had written to a boy that I was so in love with, but would have never told, I just wrote it down to get it out of my mind. I felt betrayed and untrusted that he had gone thru my things and then told me about it. I was made to feel ashamed of my feelings. Maybe those werent his intentions but at 14 I was horrified! I was told that I couldn't date until I was 16, no exceptions. I turned into the sneakiest kid you will ever know. I told everyone what they wanted to hear and then did what I wanted to once I was out the door.

So, here is my advice, if you find something, do not tell her. Maybe try to lead conversations that way, but she will feel invaded when you tell her "I found this...wanna talk about it?".

As for dating rules, time to throw out strict rules and handle each situation as it comes. Make group, school and church outings ok for her and her boyfriend, plan nites where she and her boyfriend and maybe some of her other friends with boyfriends can come over to your house for dinner and movies. If you are there you get to look at the situations and figure out what is really going on. Parents that have the kids at thier house are often precieved as the cool parents. Other kids will start coming to you with their problems and thinking of you as a buddy. Those same kids will come to you if your daughter stars messing up and tell you, because you are trusted. Make your house the safehaven for her friends.

No matter what they tell you, don't react with a look of shock, just keep them talking til they tell it all. Remember that the instant they feel judged and guilty, they will shut up and never tell anymore.

It is time for the safe sex talk. Maybe she is no where near needing this talk but this is the time to approach it. It may also be a good time to put her on the pill to "regulate her periods". Sometime between now and the next 4 years she will be considering losing her virginity, no matter what you think, it will happen. You do not want the consequences of her actions to bring a baby into her life or a disease. All of these things change the course of her life and make it more difficult.

Remember no matter how good teenagers are, they are capable of making bad decisions and doing what they want no matter what! Be prepared and handle each situation as you see fit, but rules may have to be altered for each situation! You don't want to lose her trust, so even when you don't trust her, don't tell her that! She needs to precieve complete trust. Yes check up on her and find out if she is being honest, but she has to believe you trust her! The minute she knows you don't she will either work to get that trust or tell you what you want to hear and do what she wants!

Good Luck and I feel for you!

I have a 15-year old daughter who recently ended a relationship with a boy of 8 months. I know how hard it is...

That 8 months was interesting... I always felt like I needed to keep an eye on what they were doing when they were in my house. And, I know several people have responded to your question with "get to know him yourself". Well, let me tell you, get to know him but don't befriend him. He's not your friend -- he would be your daughter's boyfriend -- just becareful about how well you know him. Because when they break-up or he does something wrong/stupid & hurts her you will be too involved.

I will suggest some books for your daughter --
Dateable by Hayley DiMarco. This is the BEST book ever for teens & preteens about boys/girls and what they say and what they do and why they do it. It's a great reality check for them. Also, "The Dirt on Breaking Up" -- it's a great guide for the one breaking up and the one being broken up with on what to do and what not to do. There are other "The Dirt..." books that I want to get my daughter, too. And all the above-mentioned books are christian and scripture based but not too in-your-face about it.

Hope this helps! I would definitely get the books and let her read them -- they are all short and easy to read.

Hi, Frances. I am headed down this road very soon myself, my oldest being a boy. I am assuming this boy your daughter likes is the same age? Also 14?

The best I can do (maybe all of us) is to try to remember ourselves "back then". This is just my opinion and it may not be on the same page with yours at all, okay? Your daughter's heart may very well be at a point where she can and does "feel love" for someone outside her family and friends "circle". Are you disappointed that she was afraid to come to you and talk openly with you? Or are you disappointed that she has a very real crush on a boy at the age of 14. Just ask yourself these things.

This is so, so hard. Already, young little 14.... she is showing signs of the inevitable: that she will someday leave the nest. We all did it and in our own ways.... and contemplated it early on "in our own ways". For me? It was getting a job very young just to have a taste of "freedom" from home. It doesn't matter how trying or embracing home life is for each person; once the adolescent brain starts sniffing out independence and the realization occurs that there's a brave, new world outside that front door - there's no stopping it.

If your daughter is going behind your back to see this boy or, in my case as a teenager, "have a job".... it's because she feels she HAS to. For me, there was no reasoning with my mother (who immigrated from an Asian country and there were simply things a girl DID NOT DO!) Oh yes, I had to go behind her back to date, too. But at 17 and 18.... m hm. Yep. When American girls were ALLOWED to date. Imagine the power of my rebellion THEN... with a DRIVER'S LICENSE in my possession.

What I'm getting at - without trying to ruffle feathers or say something the wrong way - is that you have a choice: fight her on this or stand in her shoes. You cannot tame or harness a heart (especially one this age, don't you remember?)

Will her heart get broken? Hell yes. Most likely it will. Hopefully more times than once. What better teacher than the heart.... moreso, a seasoned, wise one? Let her get her heart broken. And when she does, ohhhh please - no "I told you so". Hold her in your arms and just be that silent rock of Gibraltar for that moment or that day.

This is a huge test for you - a hot seat your daughter has put you in. A test of "how open can you be with her"? Go slow with this and try not to lecture about "why you don't like her moving so fast". Have the strength to divulge your secrets. Tell her what broke your heart... but tell her what made you dizzy and weak at the knees, too! Admit to her when you first fell in love and be honest. If she can't imagine that you have any evidence to back up the possibility that you might, *gasp* actually understand her, she'll keep that wall up. Teenagers trust no one but other teenagers. It's like a secret club at this age. It was for us too (soooo long ago!!!).

I am living proof that seeing anger, disappointment and "feeling betrayed" in my mother's eyes didn't work. It made me feel ashamed of myself AND it made me resent her. And it only emboldened my decision to follow my heart... and the advice of OTHERS. That's right. Kids aren't completely myopic. They'll seek advice (they crave it)... but only where they trust it.

I've said this before (to the chagrin of even some of my dearest friends): Kids are like dogs and cats. They can smell you (and your agenda) a mile away. I could stand in front of my kids, not bat an eye and make a statement or declaration to them that isn't eeeeexactly completely "true" (ie: "...but I didn't inhale!") And boyyy they will sniff me out and see RIGHT through me and man, will they be pissed! Once THAT happens, they will decide right then and there, "This woman is not a credible source nor is she a trusted one."

It's cold and terrible, yes! Absolutely! But we are transparent to them and they mean business when they size us up! (But then again.... don't "we" when we look at them?) We've taught them everything they know.

You are such a loving mom. I can tell the thing tearing at your heart is that you feel her drifting away. She is not only testing the waters of young adulthood (I know, scares the hell outta me, too) but she's testing her most important authority figure's ability to trust her. She can feel proud of herself if she knows her mother - her best teacher - trusts her to figure some stuff out on her own... yes, even if you know and can see that just a few feet down the path she's on is a broken heart awaiting her. It's insane! I know!

But if they only have themselves to blame and you to thank?..... think about it. You just earned "trust" points. (Faith points, too!)

Remember when these kids were toddlers? And they were mesmerized by a lit candle on the coffee table? How many times did you reference the flame and say, "Nooooo! Hot, baby! Hot! Don't touch!"

When did they finally learn?....

When we were rubbing their burnt finger with an ice cube.

There's nothing wrong with reminding her that there is a very SET rule about "dating age" in your household. But having a crush on or general interest in boys is not dating. She has to adhere to the "age" rule; just make sure she knows that just because she can't date yet doesn't mean she has to force her heart not to "feel".

I have raised a daughter, so I understand the anxiousness you feel. The first thing you have to recognize is that because her father is not involved in her life on a regular basis, she has a yearning for male love that she is seeking to fulfill. Fussing at her about boys will not make it go away. If possible, consider a way to get her father involved in her life. This is critical to her self esteem.
In addition, puberty changes everything. She is not the same little girl she was, and the desires and longings she has will not go away just because you don't allow her to date.
What you can do is to reinforce the trust she has in you that you won't condemn her for her feelings. Share with her some of your personal stories about your own first loves. I read my daughter some of my old love poetry I wrote when I was a teenager. She thought it was hilarious. She went and got my high school yearbook and asked me to point out to her all the boys I used to like. When I showed her, we both laughed and laughed. She trusted me with her feelings because she saw me as a human being, and knew I wouldn't think she was "bad" or "disobedient" because she had normal female feelings.
The main thing you want to emphasise is your values - things like abstinence until marriage. Remove the questions and the mystery. Meet the boy. Talk to him. Meet his parents. Find out what kind of person he is. The reality is, unless you get involved, your daughter will keep her "love life" hidden from you, and may be influenced to make bad choices that can negatively affect her life. If the boy is decent, just make sure any activities she is involved with him are supervised and involve groups of people and not private "dates". If you raised her well, trust her judgement. Let her know you trust her judgement, so that she will feel compelled to live up to your high expectations.

well frances,
I too am a mother of a 16 yr old girl and a 4yr son. Like you in the same boat with no father in the picture. My daugther started about 14 as well and two yrs later it is a little better for us now.

I believe that for me it was about me having a second child and maybe she felt that I didn't love her the same or anymore. Her friends 3 girls in particular had way more freedom than my daugther. They could stay out until 10pm on weekdays (MY DAUGTHER HAD TO BE HOME BY 8PM EVERY DAY)and on the weekends their curfew was after 12am. Now those three friends all have babies and only 1 girl have her dad in her life and now she is on her 2nd baby. HOW SAD THAT IS !
Frances my daugther was under pressure from one of these girls whom my child told me that she said I was an EVIL MOM. I told my child to tell her that I am not evil I am her WORST NIGHTMARE! My daugther truly understands now what I have been teaching her. And on top of that this girl had the nerve to ask my daugther to babysit for her. My daugther replied by saying HELL NO I TOLD YOU WHAT MY MOM SAID TO ME AND NOW I SEE WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT. AND THAT SHE SHOULD OF LISTEN TO ME AS WELL WHEN I WAS TALKING TO HER. You see Frances I found out that this girl would come over to our house to visit but was using my daugther for bait to see this boy and I called her mom and told her mom what shee had been up too. Of course her mom defended her because see was actually a good little girl until she met this boy. She would try to wear makeup in my house AT THIS TIME THEY WERE ABOUT 13 and I would make her wash it off. and tell her if my daugther cant do these things in my house niether will you being her friends!

I think my daugther is still interested in boys but of course I am not having her to be dating any time soon as well.
So to end with a few option for you I say first try to get her to stay focus on whatever it is she likes. Try to get her to cook a meal that she enjoy every week. If she is into sports maybe get her more involved or on a team.
I thought I would be able to keep it short but feel free to keep in contact with me because now the situation will possible become why can't you be like.... and be my friend.
I tell my child I will NEVER be your friend because I am your MOM!
And handling the boys I now let them call and when they call I tell the boy that my daugther can only talk between the hours of 4pm and 8pm not before nor after. and if you call my house after 8:30pm then my daugther is now on phone punishment for a whole day from everybody. because they will call others to try to get thru for them and the jokes on them then because I in turn will call their parents CALLER ID and talk to them to find out what kind of up bringing this child is accustom too.

I know that you will definitely be ok and it is very hard to let our kids go because we are familiar with the situation of being exposed to dating.

Hi Frances,
I just came across your post and since you mentioned praying, I'm thinking you may be a Christian. If not, just disregard this. But if so, check out these books. I just read them for the first time, as my youngest sister (who is also my goddaughter) is 18 and boy crazy. Anyway, these offered such a fresh perspective on the whole boy/girl thing, and I loved them. They would even be good to read with your daughter and even talk about together to bring you even closer. They are by Josh Harris, and they're called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and "Boy Meets Girl." Don't let the title of the first scare you -- he's not anti-relationship -- he just offers a different perspective on God's plan for relationships and how we can glorify God in our relationships, while at the same time protecting our hearts and our bodies. I wish I had had these books when I was growing up. I could have avoided a lot of things I came to regret later. God bless. I commend you for obviously being so involved with your daughter's life. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be a single parent, as parenting is hard enough. Keep up the good work!

Frances, anyone who has had a teenager will tell you that this is normal. =) Take a DEEP breath and understand that it is temporary. Try to remember how confusing your first real crush was, how hard it was to talk to anyone, especially your parents! EW! It doesn't mean that your daughter doesn't love you, she does! What she needs right now is a little space but also strong guidelines.
I made it clear, NO DATING until you were 16. You can group date after that, no single dating until 18. I don't CARE that you think you are old enough, you aren't. (and yes I use/used this) As long as you live in my home and I am responsible for you, you will abide by my rules/wishes. Curfew is..(whatever it is for teens in your town)..because it is the law. Use of the phone and computer end at...(you put in your time). None of this is a punishment, it is a way to keep you safe and help you learn about boy/girl relationships which are hard at any age! I love you, I have your best interests at heart and I am always here if you want to talk.
Have the sex talk with her. Explain your values, why they are important to you as an adult woman and why you think she should follow your example (or not, hehe).
Try not to snoop. The more you show that you don't trust her, the more she will pull away and not trust YOU. If her behavior changes drastically or you truely feel that something is going on that you need to know then do whatever you can to protect her. Otherwise, trust her....and let her know it.
I have a daughter that is 22, she is getting married in May and a 20 year old that is in a serious relationship. I have 2 other daughters, two that are still under 10. I really understand what you are going through. =) It DOES get better, just be patient, firm and loving. Good luck!

I am a therapist/counselor who only works with adolescents (I love my job), so please don't take offense to anything I say but it sounds like you are more upset that she didn't tell you about her feelings for this boy than you are concerned about her actually wanting to date. You don't want to overreact. I think that if you have a rule that she cannot date at 14 years old, that is fine, and you should assert that rule. However, just because you have this rule doesn't mean that she can shut off her natural biological body & feelings. She is still going to like boys and have feelings for boys & THAT IS OK. Just as long as she respects your rule and doesn't date boys. Parents complain to me all the time that their adolescents tell me more than they tell them. That's because they are adolescents and don't feel comfortable telling their parents everything (sorry that is part of being an adolescent) and they feel comfortable telling me more because I am their therapist and will not judge them or get upset with them like their parents do. If she senses disappointment from you, she will refrain from telling you things. So relax, this is a part of adolescence. Sounds pretty normal to me. Doesn't sound like she is going behind your back just because she gave a boy a Valentine's Day Card.

Hi,

I don't have any girls, but my niece who is now 21 has 2 children and can barely take care of herself.

My sister gave her daughter the freedom that she asked for and when she became involved with this boy, my sister didn't like him, but it was too late for her to say anything because my niece always had the freedom that she wanted and would not listen to my sister. Eventually she got preganant at 15 and now has 2 children. I think that as long as you are a part of your daughters life and talk to her about her decisions and what you believe that is great. One thing that my parents did because we couldn't date at 14, but we could have friends even guy friends over when my parents were home and they were welcome in our house and my parents got to know the boy and set down ground rules and they were able to interact with us and with our friends. If you let the boy know what you believe and you're okay with him being your daughters friend, but no dating yet then they are not sneaking and you can see what they are doing.

Hope this helps.

As far as I know, my parents never had the opportunity to read the passionate love letters I sent off to the object/s of my own 14 year-old love. I was painfully sincere in my adoration and my desire for romance. To me, it was all fantasy. I was terrified of actually consumating anything with these paramours. (Needless to say the boys, themselves, were completely befuddled by my declarations. I"m not saying that this behavior was sane, but what teenage behavior is?) I was a book reader, not a socializer, and my parents were strict, but caring. They didn't know what my sisters and I were thinking, but they had a very tight wrap on what we were doing. We did our best to not disappoint them.

This was 20-something years ago, pre-Brittany,Paris and Lindsay; pre-internet. But despite all this, times have also improved for women's choices. Let your daughter know you love her and support her. But make it clear that you need to know what she is doing and where she is. She is a minor, no matter how adult her feelings may be. If she decides that she is ready for a sexual relationship with this boy, make sure that she has the information she needs.

In the end, it's her life and her body, but you can still let her know how you will grieve for her if she abuses it.

I'm not a mom of a teenager, but I am a high school teacher and dance coach, so I know female hormones. My suggestion is to have her bring him to your house as much as possible, that way you know that you will watch them. This way you will also be able to demonstrate and verbalize your expectations as far as your daughter is concerned. I would also suggest talking or meeting with his parents. Your children are both young and you as their parents should be in agreement with how they should be supervised.

I hope this helps. I have an 18 month old daughter and I'm already preparing for these talks. Good Luck.

Wow...I have not checked this site since I signed up about 4 weeks ago, and found this post to relate directly to me. My daughter was home for Spring Break and her 13th birthday. She is already talking about boys being interested in her, and vice versa. We had some time to talk about a lot of things, and I felt so blessed that other adults in her life (her father, friend's mom, pediatrician) all mentioned things to her in one way or another regarding dating and relationships, without my asking them. I felt really blessed and asked my daughter things like
"Won't it feel weird to go out with a boy that you've been friends with all this time?"
"What does it mean to tell a boy that you'll go out with him?"
"Why did you tell one boy "no" and the other one, "yes, maybe!?"
And the one that I think really opened her mind to listening to what I had to say,
"Wouldn't you rather be his friend for the next 6 years, than his girlfriend for 6 days?"

I found that asking these type of open-ended questions prevented me from losing perspective and allowed her to think & verbalize the way she was feeling about the things that were happening in her life, and allowed her to choose what she wanted to share with me and how. The conversations we had also made me realize that the toughest thing for me to deal with was NOT envisioning her getting hurt, or behaving inappropriately or in a risky manner, (all scary indeed) but ultimately it was the fact that my intelligent, sweet, well-mannered, happy-go-lucky little girl was all of that...and then some! She is now a teenager!
And I need to let her grow up.
Trust, communication, responsibility, appropriate vs. inappropriate, boundaries, choices, consequences of one's actions, love, respect, honor and integrity are all more important to discuss now than ever before... in a lengthy way, I'm trying to say...thank you and I understand. Bless!

Hi Frances, I have went through a similiar yet more detail situation with my son. He is 15 yrs old as e say wiung lady and at first I was livid !! They were on th ephone a lot I was finding letters from her to him and dice versa. Then I became so taken with the amount of time he put into this young lady and they only saw each other at school too. He became uite a differenet young man coming into high school the reach this sort of independent way and don't want to share every thing with Mom anymore and it hurts it does but they feel the need to be private and that they need PRIVACY to capitivate what's happening to them. I truly don't believe by any means that your daughter wanted to disappoint you in any way nor did she feel she was keeping something from you especially her feelings for someone . At this time is when you really need to let her know you there because thisis when she really need that mom & daughter close relationship when she is figuring out what is happening to her which is normal. When we tell our children they can't have they seek to have sometimes by any means necessary just because we say they couldn't. We have to let them no we human and had feelings just like she's having too and relate to her a time just volunteer the info when you went through your feelings for a guy and remind her the rules don't change but you do understand they become harder to do and along the way you can wea them if need be but don't allow her to see your disappointment in her but that the lines of communication are still open even when she feel it's so hard to express to her Mom. As long as you constantly let her know you are there and understand it wont be nothing she wouldnt tell you sometimes things will be more difficult to express but you will be her confident because you assured her that your love is unconditional even when you dont like or understand what she may do but you Always there no matter what. It worked for me and my son and was hard sometimes to hear but it has strengthen our bond I got involved instead of watching from the side lines. All the best with you and yours keep me posted.

Give her your own testimony about your experience as a teenager (try to be as honest as possible), and do a whole lot of praying.

A concerned mother

Been there. The more you rally againest this young man the more she will be drawn to him. Try to be understanding of her feelings and let her know your concerns in a non-confrontational manner. She may not come around right away but eventually it will work out

All I can say being the mom of an infant is that I remember being that age and it's natural to want to keep a lot of those first time feelings to yourself. My mom and I were extremely close and I still kept crushes from her. She's normal. It makes me sad when I hear you say that you are disappointed in her. Pls don't make her feel guilty for being normal. That's as far as I feel I can go with practical advice in your situation. Also, at 14, if she's not already, I would say that going out with a mix of guys and gals as a GROUP should be ok. Then she can hang out with her crush but with other kids. Or host a group at your house so it's supervised. Take care!!!

I think the best thing to think about is making the boy your friend to . Invite him for a pic-nic or lunch something fun not to dress up , to come watch a dvd movie get to know him ..that way you know how he's like ..sometimes girls go for opposite that what we care for ..it doesn't hurt to try .slowly bring it out in the open .when you talk don't preached .Use yourself as an exsample ...like tell her what would you think if mommie met a guy like so & so and say some of the ways you know about this young man wiith out really pointing it at him ..you know hormes are kicking right now and first of All woman & young ladies they want to be wanted by someone else besides their parents ..just to see if it is true that they are pretty and not just a monny thing ..Be open with her tell her things about you, little things so she can trust you to ..that way if you share she will to. I have 3 girls .

She's 14. She's probably going to "fall in love" with a new boy every year...Maybe not, but at that age it happens all of the time. It doesn't mean they are seeing eachother, and the positive thing is it is actually hard to really date yet anyway at 14 unless he is older which it doesn't sound like it. "Dating" at that age usually consists of only seeing eachother at school or out with groups of people. This is also the age that they start to get secretive. They want to have their own "private lives" without having to share everything with their parents. The less you pry and the more you trust them, the more they will want to share. However if they feel that when they tell you intimite details such as feelings about boys and such, and feel that those details disappoint you, they will shut you out and stop sharing those things with you because a precedent has already been set. The best you can do is talk to her about this boy with interest and excitement for her and not judgement or disappointment as to who he is, why she likes him so much, what does he look like, what signals has he given her...be supportive of her feelings. She needs to know that it is perfectly natural, and even exciting when teens start getting crushes. Then let her know that she can always come to you and that you will not pass judgement, with anything. When a teenager feels judged they close up. They are feeling judged by their peers, teachers etc. so confidants need to have an understanding that this will only push them away. She'll open up again, but also recognize that this is the age where privacy becomes a big deal, and it has nothing to do with you and is meerly a product of adolescent psychology. Chin up. You are heading into teenager territory.

I am a mother of 15 and 16 year old girls. It's always a delicate dance and I find that while their world is changing mine has to change to keep in step. If your daughter is truly the type of girl you describe then the trust should already be established. She might be embarrassed to share ALL her feelings with you because this is new for her. My first question would be how were you able to read something so private and why you confronted her. Maybe it would have been better (armed with the information you obtained) to ask questions about the boy in school and how he treats other people. Find out if he's a good kid and who he hangs with. I try to find out as much as possible about the kids my daughters hang around with without being confrontational. We have a really good relationship going but it isn't always easy. Sometimes they don't talk to me at all but if I wait they always come back and are the girls I know and love. My job as a mother is to make sure they are safe and I always stress the importance of self government. Lecturing on what they should and shouldn't do doesn't work but if you just say what you expect (reasonable boundaries) and stick with it then everything should work out fine. I would hope you could save you disappointment for bigger issues and not for that fact your daughter is declaring her love (a very scary thing) for another person and didn't tell you (unless she is doing things she shouldn't be doing at 14).

I can certainly sympathize with you. I have a 19 year old and she was awesome until highschool. You can not stop her feelings. just validate them- i understand you feel that way. when we tell our children your too young, you dont understand love they get defensive and shut down and dont share with us. my daughter never shared her feelings with me. I felt guilty because I realize now I shut her down right away. tell her your feelings and rules and stick to them. Stand by your not allowing her date- perhaps a group of friends getting together- a group of friends at your home supervised and if she goes to friends homes call the parents. dont rely on the kids cell- I never accepted a cell phone. the children will all lie and protect eachother. I highly recommend getting to know her friends parents.

It is so hard to raise teenagers. Just remember your a mom first and a friend sec. hard to be both during the teen years. there will be plenty of time later to be her friend. Good luck!

Frances,

The first thing you need to do is not over-react and you seem to be right on the edge of that. You need to remain safe for your daughter to talk to and if she feels that you "flew off the handle" about this, she'll shut down for sure. If you've already done that you might want to go back and apologize for that and commit to her that you want to be a safe person for her to talk to about anything.

Be assured that your daughter is VERY normal. It's very common that kids will have their first crush (which they think they are "in love") around the age of 14. You can affirm that what she is experiencing is very normal. In keeping with your "not dating" policy, you can tell her that it's fine for her to "like" a boy, but that she doesn't have to do something with the "like". Most teens believe that if you like someone, you need to act on it---ask them out, let them know you like them, etc. As parents we can steer them in a different direction.

Begin asking her questions about what she likes about this boy. What draws her to him? Would those be good qualities in a husband some day? It's not too early to help her start seeing that perspective. My daughter who is now 23 and married, starting a journal of letters to her future husband when she was 14. She took all those feelings about boys she liked and wrote about them in letters to her future husband identifying character traits she wanted in a spouse.

You can help guide her through this if you'll prove to her you are safe and won't over-react. By the way, I've written a book on raising teens that might be helpful. It's called "God Teens: Time Tested Answers for Moms of Teens and Tweens."

remember mom puppy love is very serious first loves are the hardest so don't fight about help her through this since she can not date let her invite the young man to the house for dinner & a movie with mom in the other room or just to hang what ever it is that kids do now meet at the mall when you go shopping that way you do not lose the battle, or the wonderful relationship that you have that way the next one will be a lot friendlier and she will feel more at ease talking to you because she will know your not going to laugh at her by letting him join in on family activity's it is not really dating however they are able to see each other so that cures the notion to sneak around when they start sneaking around thats when other things come into play. I did this with my daughter all through her teen years we maintained a great relationship to this day we can talk about anything. On her 16th I let her have the BIG booze party i got permission from all the parents got extra chaperone's they ended up only drinking 5 beers so it does work pick your battles with teens the ones you know you can win & compromise with the others it keeps you from total gray before they turn 16 good luck & god speed

As girls get older and start going to high school, a lot of things change. It is completely normal for her to have a crush on a guy at school. To expect her to tell you "everything" is a bit unrealistic. If she had written something dirty in the Valentine, I would understand concern; however, if she just sweetly wrote how she feels for him, you really shouldn't be worrying so much. It sounds like you have a good kid. If you try to control her too much, she will push harder and harder and rebel. Why not let her invite him over for an afternoon so you can meet him? I understand the no dating rule, but you could at least meet her half way and let her spend some supervised time with the boy. Good luck!

This is absoultely normal for a 14 yr old. Be supportive, and keep the lines of communication open. If you forbid her to "like" this boy, she will sneak. Tell her you understand why she feels the way she does, and it will be the first of many relationships that will come her way. Please do not feel that she is untrustworthy, she just needs to "try her wings".

I think we have to take a clue in how you describe yourself: "They are my world." If you were a close friend I would be telling you that you need a life of your own. Secondly, I would want to know what you think of the men you have been involved with and how that colors how you have presented the opposite sex to your daughter. She is a new book and is finding herself with feelings that make her feel good not bitter. She does not want to dissappoint you and those feelings are hers. She also suspects as you showed her that you would be angry. You need to find a way to let her know that those feelings are normal and if you can find it in yourself to apologize for invading her privacy and to let her know that even though you have "preached" about boys that you know some are actually nice and that it is OK to feel as she does. Let her know that it is OK to talk to you about her feelings and that you won't judge. Bottom line, you are her parent not her best friend. There are going to be things she cannot share with you. I have tried to be the most open parent around with my girls. I even teach sex ed. But there have been times when they had female problems that they shared w/each other. Only the middle felt comfortable being open. What I am trying to say is that you have to let her have her own space. In doing so, you will preserve some of that closeness you used to have. In overreacting, you will drive her away. She is now a teen and that will change your relationship. If you don't overreact, as an older teen that closeness will return. The minute my kids moved away, I started getting frequent phone calls to share successes and to ask for advice.

ps I agree w/the mom below who is telling you that your daughter has to find out about life for herself and make her own mistakes. We cannot protect our kids from everything and if they make their own mistakes, they will come out wiser and hopefully choose a better mate because of it

Morning,

All boys and girls "fall in love" many time over within their adolescent lives. I have 3 girls (24, 19, 17) they have all put me through the ringer growing up as your daughter is doing now. High school is a very different world then elementary and middle school. There are so many different types of young ladies and men. Your daughter is just now within that world. By you trying to keep her from this boy is only going to make your relationship with her hurt. You mentioned that you have meet some of the boys that she hangs with, meet this one. Talk to your daughter and find out what they and he likes to do. Giggle with her. tell her some stories (appropriate ones) from when you "thought" that you were in love. Doing this with my girls and sharing my experiences of "being in love" helped with their feelings and our relationship. My girls had and still have rules. they abide by them or things are taken away. (well the 17 yr old one anyway).
You trusted her before and you still can. We all were 14 once and I remember being "in love" with a boy named Joe. My life was full of him day in and day out.

My mom had 6 girls and 4 boys, she did very good with all of us. We are all grown, have our own houses and children and even grandchildren to boot. Everything will be ok, just keep light of things and remember if you have told her about love and relationships as she has gotten older she will abide by the rules and morals that you have set for her. Take a deep breath talk to her about this boy. GIGGLE

J.

www.noahbyjodi.com

I have a 15 year old who has started "dating" also. I'm interestd in what other have to say about your situation. I would approach your conversation with "I heard thru the grape vine" that you have a boy friend? How exiting. Can you tell me about him?" You may not be exited but it'll open the door for communication. With understanding, maybe just listen? This is all new to me also. I didn't want my daughter to date yet but I knew also that I didn't want her to do it behind my back. She shares some but not alot. I'm finding out that they'll already told each other they love each other. They haven't even gone on a date. They've only been dating since December. Dating at their age is about admitting they like each other. I sat her down and explained that she needed to take it slower. I find out about her other friends and what they hide from parents. I don't like what I hear but I use these situations to explain to my daughter the right way of doing things. I've been losing sleep over this new part of growing up.

I find that I have to listen and not explode even though I'd like to scream and cry.

I blame a lot on the grape vine. I don't give up my sources.

Thanks for your letter. I hope we can all learn from your subject.

I would be willing to bet your daughter was scared to tell you due to the no dating policy and your strong viewpoints on boys. I will be honest...she is more apt to be open with you and express how she feels if she is able to express herself to you in an open forum. I know when my daughter becomes a teenager (which is years off thank God) I will be just as scared as any other parent, but we are trying to raise responsible adults. Trust your daughter to make the right decisions. Possibly revisit the "no dating policy" to a group only situations...or he is able to come to your house...get to know his parents etc. There are ways to make sure your daughter is being responsible and to protect her with out banning common activities that occur in high school. Think about when you were in high school and how the rules your mom made for you made you feel and try to put yourself in your daughters shoes. You might be more lenient than your own mother, but make sure you let her know that you trust her and love her no matter what.

I think the key word in your request is "preached"!

Teenage years are difficult, especially in today's society. You have shared your feelings with your daughter in the past and now you need to stop preaching.

The approach must be more a conversation, less lecture.
At 14 your daughter is feeling she is grown up. She wants to be her own person. Yes, she loves this boy, all be it in an immature "puppy-love" way. Perhaps you could tell her about the cute guy you admired when you were her age or tell her it is just the first of many she will "love" and get to know, before she is mature enough to pick "the right one" many years from now.

She is going to want to become increasingly private, typical of this age. The more you push, the harder she'll push back. Relax! Continue to emphsize the great things she is doing in her life, school, athletics, etc. Talk about her future plans and goals. Especially help her dream big. When she feels good about her self, she will be a bit less likely to need the reassurance of a boy.

You can also share your feelings about your past. I find that while driving in a car is a good time for conversations. Somehow they feel less threatened than face-to-face, and you have a captive audience for some bonding time!

Hope this little bit of advice from a mom of older children helps you. Enjoy your daughter!

If she's feeling like she didn't want to tell you, there must be a reason. Ask her why she didn't want to tell you. I thnk you hv to turn this new feeling she's having into something she will want to talk to you about. you have to congratulate her and be excited for her. tell her she's growing up and how proud you are of her. talk to her about a time when you fell in love as a girl. tell her what appropriate love at her age is, and how to express it appropriately, too. Also tell her what it will feel like when the boy doesn't reciprocate or she gets dumped (put it nicer than that of course) by telling a story of your own experience or one of a friend's.
this will put your dd into a feeling of comraderie (sp?) w/ you. she will feel more your friend than a daughter, which will help her to be open with you about what's happening. you have to maintain a mother-daughter relationship, but putting it closer to a friendship feeling will allow her to open up.
let me know what you think! these are just my ideas off the top of my head in thinking about what it was like for me when I was in love as a teenager (i'm 35 now!).

Just wanted to respond to your situation. I have a 19 yr old daughter and although I have never been through as far as the part of her not telling me anything but I have been through the love part and all that. Just continue to let her know you are there for her, she can talk to you about anything, no matter what it is. I have the kind of mother/daughter relationship like you have with your daughter and trust me, it's not going to be the end for you. 14 is a very young age to fall in love with a boy, there will be more, been there done all that. You still need to continue to trust your daughter and keep your relationship open to one another, and continue to be her best friend, that's the way I feel with my daughter. It gets harder as she is allowed to go out on dates and she does think she is totally in love with someone and gets her heart broken, I have cried with my daughter many times over this. But, please try to remember that you trust her and because she didn't give you information on this does not give you a reason not to. Just tell her what you think about the situation and that you do not want her having a boyfriend yet and one day she will be able to go out on dates. Just basically let her know your grounds and keep it at that and trust her to do what is right. 14 is a very hard age for girls but you will make it through this together, and as far as 14 yr old boys go, even if they do have a thing for one another, I am not really sure that will continue for a long long time. This is my advise, I don't know if it helped but I sure hope that something in here helped you out.

First thing is..u can never take the place of a father...no matter how much u try. My daughter is 16. 14 and 15 i went through the same thing..she never came out of her room. My advice is let her come to u when she is ready. I would aske 50 questions and she would never talk. I stopped asking and started listening. It took her a while, but she started opening up. No matter what u say or do, she is going to have boyfriends starting now, and she is going to get her heart broke. Let her experiance that, let her make her own mistakes, and be there for her when she falls. Dont push subjects, dont make her talk to u. Just give her time. Its nothing personal, they all go through it. We all know 14 is a hard age. But she has to know she can come to u without judgement, or she will never come to u. Thats my advice.

Hi, I also have a 14 year old but a boy. Anyways, just from my experience, sometimes just not making a big deal out of the love letter/card is effective. My son received one from a girl and I was worried, but time took care of it. I don't let my son hang out with anyone outside of school unless I know the parent, so I wasn't woried that they would connect. I know they could have met up without me knowing, like at a movie theater or something, but he wasn't asking to go out more than usual.
Sometimes I think we have to remember that we are parents first then friends (hard for me) but we need to say yes or no in terms of where they go and what they do.
She probably does feel she 'loves' this boy even tho it is probably a crush type thing. I think that if you keep telling her she has to deny her feelings she will just get angry with you. But you don't have to be liberal and let her go out socially with him...I agree 14 is too young to date. Just keep tabs on her where abouts and don't be afraid to say no.
I will keep you in my prayers, Frances.

I also have a fourteen year old and she is not allowed to date either. You made the right decision.

Hi Frances,
Keep talking to your daughter and let her know how you feel, but don't fuss. Let her know that you you want her to enjoy her teen years but you also want her to enjoy the years after the teen years too. If you have time every weekend or at least every other week set aside a few hours for just the two of you for girls time. Sometimes you might have to feel your way to get her to open up to you.
I always told my daughter that I trusted her an I didn't really know the young man like I knew her so how could I trust him an I trust her to be the young lady that I know she is.
Don't bash the boy but if you feel uneasy about him tell her in a calm & easy way.
F.

She is certainly old enough to be smitten by someone. I am pretty sure we all were by that age. She clearly senses that you would be upset about this, which you are. This is inhibiting discussion. yes she will see him at school and perhaps you suggest she can have him over to your house. Provided everything is out in the open and you are on the same page as to what the terms of the relationship are, this can be perfectly healthy. it is when things are hidden and they are slipping off to be alone etc that things can go awry.

I can truly understand what your going throug i have a 13 year old but my advise is to talk your daughter. Try not to push her away.

I would actually have to say with you being disapointed in her... You don't really need to worry about her since you said she was a good kid! Sure, she will like boys here and there, but I am pretty sure you have nothing to worry about it! I read that you had your mom "lock you in the house", well.. Maybe that's what she's afraid of. She doesn't want you to be disapointed in her for liking someone. She can't help her "love" for him, just give it time! I'm sure everything will be fine soon. Just tell her, you can talk to me about anything, and I don't want highschool to change our close relationship with each other!

Good luck!

This is a tough one. This whole situation is something I went through with my mother. Everything from single parent to the first love. I wish I could say she won't see him but no matter what she is teenager and will find a way.
My mother sat me down and asked me to describe why I thought I had loved this boy. And it really opened me up and we talked for a long time about it. Instead of banning me from seeing him she allowed him over our house. She got to watch me really without me even knowing. At coming to a compromise of letting us hang out I did not do the sneaking and I also did not try anything else teens seem to try behind their parents back. Which now is another thing you may want to talk to her about what is and is not ok when it comes to touchy feely. A good thing my mom taught me is not to say "no don't do that or don't try that" She basically told me if you do something here is all the bad things that can happen so you make a choice. This also made me respect her more. But it also scared me straight to not try many things other teens where trying. I hope this helps a little.

I am the mother of one 11 month old, so please take my advice with a grain of salt.

Remember what it was like to be 14? Give your daughter a little space, a little privacy, and a little room to grow up and into herself. By all means, preach to her about the pitfalls of being sexually active, or too dependent on boys for her feelings of self-worth, etc, but it sounds like you've raised a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders who won't make any rash decisions. It doesn't sound like you disapprove of this boy in particular, just that she is into boys at all. Now is a great time for her to start to learn the pitfalls of love and relationships. She will never be more resilient or more open to learning from her experiences. Let her know that you trust her to make wise decisions as far as who she chooses to spend her time with and how she chooses to spend her time, and then let her spend a little time with this boy.

Now is the time for her to start making her own decisions and her own mistakes. It is heart wrenching, but it would be more heart wrenching for your daughter if she were emotionally dependent on you for the rest of her life. This is exciting; let her start to grow up and eventually you will have a wonderful friend to talk to, not just a loving dependent. You can't control her actions; she'll realize it sooner or later even if you don't. It's important that you let her know she's responsible for her own actions and that you trust her to make good decisions. And if she breeches your trust and makes bad decisions she'll have a hard time earning your trust back. But at least you're giving her the message that she is innocent until proven guilty.

Hope this helps.

If she is a good girl she will do the right thing. TRUST her, kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. She needs to go through this herself to build her self esteem and self worth. She is just growing away a little bit. Your "they are my world" comment scares me. You need your "own world" to set a good example.

Hi, I too am a single mom and have a 13 y.o daughter and is also telling me how she likes this boy, but I told her she could not go anywhere with him but at school, she needs to do her work and more than anything for her not to feel any pressure with him and she is still too young to even think about kissing boys and she agreed. Also I guess we just have to let them think we are on their side, talk to them, and turn it around at the end.

Thinking back on myself, I have a few suggestions. I would try not to be disappointed. That will make your daughter not want to tell you anything. If you let her know that you are there for her no matter what, she'll be more likely to bring things to you. If you tell her she's not allowed to see this boy, she will anyway. Be open to the idea and just make sure you always know where they are and what they are doing. It would be much worse for her to lie to you about who she is with then to tell you the truth. Be very open minded. It's a hard time and having a teenage girl is never easy! I know I was a VERY tough teenager but my mom and I always talked about EVERYTHING and she never judged me and guided me along the way. Her being safe is most important! I'm pregnant with my second child and it's a girl. Believe me, first thing I thought about was her in high school!
Good luck and fee free to email me anytime!

I would suggest you talk to your daughter and tell her you where once her age and dont make it sound like she doest know about love{even though we no she doesnt}i would also talk to her about sex and take her to a doctor so you can talk about birth control. I no shes young but it will happen soon enough and you dont want to be a grandma. [mom of 4 boys who are now 20,23,26,and 27]and not a grandma yet but was a 17 year old mom!

Hi...I have a 2 year old boy and 4.5 year girl. I remember very clearly being 14 and falling in love. My parents (really my Dad) were really, really strict. I was not allowed to date. What ended up happening is I would sneak in calls to him anyway. My parents decided to let me date him but they always, always knew where I was and made sure I was always supervised. My parents were known in school as super strict and I survived it. I am a high school teacher now. My advice to you is to love your daughter and let her date. BUT....make sure you follow up on EVERY date and ask and ask and ask lots of questions and check up on all "stories". Looking back on being 14 I did not have all of the maturity I needed to make the right decisions and I do appreciate all of my parents love!

I don't understand what you are disappointed in? If she's 14, its her job and the stage where they talk more to their friends than parents. If you are disappointed in her not telling you that is. If you are disappointed in her having feelings, blame the hormones and nature. I would loveingly take any information she gives you and guide her in any and all ways she allows. You can have your rules with dating, but as you said... she can still have a 'boyfriend' in school. As long as you have open ears and an open heart and educate her as you know how, trust she is a great kid and you've done a great job teaching her and trust w/your guidance she will make the right decision. Just remember, this is the hard part where she is SUPPOSED to pull away from her parents a bit, just make sure you let her know you ARE there when she wants and needs you : )

At her age, there should be NO mommy-teenager relationship. You said she has always been the good little girl; give her space and let her know that you are available for her to come to you with "anything"....and mean IT! You can monitor her without her knowing. When you overhear something you don't like, let her know about things that happened when you were growing up (the same things) and the "outcome". She'll put it together. You taught her right and wrong. At her age you'll push her to the wrong if you can't handle things in a loving and caring way. I worked in a high school 15 years. I heard it all from kids because peer pressure and having no one at home they can talk too.

I have four kids (two girls and two boys) now grown. When they were younger we had a no dating rule till they were 16. Three went behind our backs and one didn't. The one girl that didn't listen regretted her decision later because she ended up with a real jerk. The problem is that kids are dating earlier and earlier these days and they want to belong. What we ended up doing with her is inviting the young man over so we knew who it was she was seeing. My husband took them out to movies and other places they wanted to go. I know you are a single mom but maybe you can get some ideas from this. Some guys won't put up with the whole chaperone thing but he did. He seemed nice but we found out he was rather mean to her in private. It didn't last very long and she came out wiser. We had a fairly good relationship to begin with so it laid a foundation for her behavior. Your daughter is probably torn between her feelings for him and her feelings for you. Try asking the boy over for dinner and getting to know him. At least this way you will know who she is seeing and you will get to chaperone as well.

Frances - your story and mine are almost exact. I too am the mother of a 14 yo girl who's found herself "in love". This relationship has practically ruined our relationship, my daughter started running away and hiding with this boy and it's gotten so bad that I've actually admitted my child into a group home at one point. We are both in therapy now trying to mend this broken bridge. At the advice of family, all I can do is protect her from unwanted pregnancy so I've taken my daughter to planned parenthood and she's now on birth control. I do not allow her to date, but in light of the situation, I've been forced to negotiate with the little terrorists (my daughter and her bf). I allow them to see eachother socially with either his parents around or me. This has been working, she's stopped running away and she's actually becoming more open with me. I think the toughest part of all of this is letting go and trusting her again, so many times she's lied to me and manipulated me so that she could see this boy, so trusting is hard. My prayers are with you, things will get better.

I am so glad to know that I am not the only one with a 14 year old daughter and going thur the same thing as lots of other MOMs. I cherish the good times and I know there will be more after this head-butting time. We have to keep our ground and just be the meanest MOM on the planet sometimes. There have been a lot of things that have changed over the years; ie communication, tech stuff and these young kids can really work on all that stuff. But--
somethings like morals and relationships (healthy ones) will never change. And to bring Jesus into the situation, that is another thing that will never change. Jesus will help us thru all this goings on, and He never changes.

Please don't smother your kids with too much love=fear that they'll do the wrong thing. When i was that age, i had no good father image, so i went a little boy crazy too; nothing bad came of it, it's normal; just keep giving her loving level headed advice; when you panic, she's apt to do the wrong things, and hide things.
I am a fifty yr. Old mom of two young adult women.