I have a 14 year old daughter, who is a great kid. She gets good grades in school and is very much into her grades.
My daughter has a great group of friends. Most of them she has known since 1 st grade.
The other day she came home from school kind of asking me to go to the movies with a boy. She went to elementry school with this boy. The boy is the same age as her. He goes to High School and she is in Middle School.Because I held her back a year. I know the boys mother but I have not met the boy.
Just want to thank everyone for there advice. Thank GOD there is a place like this so parents can help other parents. Like I told my daughter "i'm still waiting for the book i was suppose to get PARENTING 101 from the hospital " HA HA. If only they did that !!!
Well I talked to my daughter and told her there will not be "DATING" until she's 16. before then she can go to the movies with a group. And if there' a boy involed I need to meet him. LIke Movie Nite.
I also told her when she's 16 she can date ONLY IF we meet the boy. Not a 5 Min. hello. But come in and sit down.
I also left the conversation open to questions. And told her please be open with me. I am always on her side and I LOVE HER TONS !!! I also let her know that when or if she ever gets into a sticky situation CALL ME !!! I told her I will pick her up. ASAP. If she has to blame it on me for the early pick up thats fine. I will make up something.
THANK YOU EVERYONE
Well, date age is such a personal opinion, however, I would explain to her you always have to meet her friends before she can go on a date. That sets the pace for later when she or he is able to drive. Hopefully, that will be an understood standing rule.
Offer to drive them to the movie (somebody has to if they are only 14, right?), and sit in the back. (Not near them.) When my son was younger most of his friends found this OK, as long as I didn't talk to them or act like I knew them. B.
My daughter asked me once when she would be allowed to go out with the kids she hung around with. I told her as long as there was a group with an adult present or as a chaperone that would be the only way she should go out with any boys who still think respect was a one sided affair.
Thank you for making me smile. You see just yesterday my 13 year old came home from school and asked to go on her first group date and I thought "here we go". And then today I read your request, I guess it is what moms go through. So I will not give you any advice, but if you don't mind, I will tell you what my 10 years as a middle school teacher and school counsellor taught me:
I know that if a boy and girl want to spend time together, they will, parents permission or not, whether they go to the same school together or not, whether they live in the same city or not.
I know that the more parents try to keep their children young, the more their friends may pressure them to grow up.
I know that when a child asks her/his parents for permission to "date" it is not only about going out with the girl/boy, they are also asking, "do you trust me?", "am I worthy of someone else liking me?", "what do I do?", "whould I go?", "am I ready for this?" etc. If they didn't care about you being involved, they would have made up some story and not even told you what they were doing.
I know that you are very blessed to have an open relationship with your child.
I know that your child wants you to know what is going on with her.
I know that you are in a position to open the communication for ALL her dating experiences.
I will not give you advice as I do not know your family, your values, nor do I understand your relationship with your daughter. But I will tell you, love her, let her know you love her and then love her even more.
I say go with the two who say give permission for a group date. I had my first boyfriend at 15 and he really liked to push the envelope (if you know what I mean) when we were alone. The whole thing started with a movie, and then hanging out at each others houses while mom's were home, and our moms' were friends too. By the end of the summer I can just say that I'm glad I was strong enough to say no as many times as I had to - not all girls will be able to do that, and not all boys will take no for an answer! By the time I was 17 I was involved with a man, not a boy, and I knew it was ok because my mom let me - and she told me she understood what it was like to be in love, and she didn't want to forbid me to see him because then I'd be sneaking out to see him anyway.... the whole schpiel. He turned out to be a very stand up guy who married me and now we have a wonderful life together and the age difference doesn't matter now in our 30s.... BUT I wish that my mom would have said NO, you can't see him anymore. NO you're too young to be that involved. NO you can't go out to the movies alone with boys at 15 yrs old. She would have saved me a lot of emotional stress in my teenage years if she would have had more age appropriate rules and expectations. The thing about dating is that it's not about good grades or how nice a kid is, it's that once you start getting physical, it's easy to get more and more physical, but teenagers just don't have the life experience to realize the emotional attachment and stress that comes along with that. I happen to agree that dating is for finding a spouse, and teenagers are just not in that point in their lives yet - mind you I wasn't raised to think this, I think this because of my experiences, and I will try my best to teach my children this. That doesn't mean they will be banned from talking to members of the other sex, or going out to do fun things with boys and girls - but it does mean that I will operate out of knowledge and giving them a safe and healthy adult life and not operating out of fear and trying to keep them happy in the moment as teenagers so often want to feel. Many times, I think (of course I'm not there yet so in ten years I may have to eat my words!haha) parents have to make decisions for their teenagers that are going to make the teen very angry and feel like their parents don't love them, but once they are grown with their own children is when they will see their parents' wisdom and really appreciate the boundaries they had set in their lives. Good luck on this - I am definitely not looking foward to the teen years, if I could keep them babies forever I would!!
Go with your gut instincts...sans the bittersweet emotions of your dear baby girl growing up (some teens don't like to hear that), but I know its hard!
At least she grew up with the boy...and you know his mother. What is your opinion of her?
Each Mom handles this differently.
But all I have to share is this: when I was about that age, I never told my Parents about any "date" I had. Me and my friends always had gone out as a 'group' of boys & girls anyway, whether platonic or not. So, I would tell my parents I was going to the movies with my 'girlfriends' and then they would drive me there and drop me off. Then me, my girlfriends and the "guy" would then pair up, on our 'date.' It was all innocent... but I guess I never felt real comfortable telling my parents. But, I think my Dad knew, as the certain boy in question would call the house. And, my Dad always made our home an 'open house' for all my friends to just hang out at, for boys and girls. They and all my friends parents all knew each other anyway. But well, so that is what I did.
So, it is GREAT that your daughter even told you about this. Good for her. Just KEEP the lines of communication open for anything she wants to talk about... without pressure or judgment. My Dad was real cool and open about things... but I was just too 'shy' to tell him I actually had a 'date' per say. It was my own awkwardness...but not trying to hide it from him.
Anyway, girls and boys, if they want to go out together, WILL find a way to do it, with or without their Parents permission. SO, therefore, just keep open with her, have your 'rules' and curfews and what not, whether she is allowed in another boys car or not, and etc. But let her know you are always there for her... for any serious or silly question or concern. No matter what, you don't want her to start 'hiding' things from you. Dads also have an important role in this 'phase' too... to nurture their girl in the proper ways of boys.
Invite his family over for dinner. Then if you think he is OK, tell her she can go as long as several others join them, you drop her off, pick her up, etc. So long as she doesn't violate your trust, going out in a big group is good for her.
Though my daughter and son are 9 and 6, we have already discussed how dating is for when you are ready to start looking for a husband or wife. Not something many teenagers are looking to find just yet.
I have two girls 13 and 14. This is what I do. My girls know the routine by now. Mom and dad have to both agree on what and where they are going and doing. They know I’m going to want to talk to their friend’s
(boy or girl) parent(s). I don’t want to tell them “no” right off the bat, so I throw out other ideas such as, invite him to your home to watch movies where you can supervise them, or even a group of friends to watch movies and eat pizza. Or, if you go out to dinner as a family, take him along. Talk to him and ask him questions about school, what he likes to do, what does his family like to do together, etc. I also make it a point to know the parents of the boy so that as parents you are all on the same page. You also get an idea of what kind of parents he has. If your daughter objects to this then it really needs to be spelled out to her that you are not comfortable with the movie thing, yet, and explain to her she is not 16. Kids can be sneaky and we need to be one on top of them without saying that we do not trust our children and they have a responsibility to maintain that trust with us. It’s a balance between not being over protective and giving them a little freedom. We as parents have a right to be all up in our kids business and it can be done in a discrete way. It’s not that we do not want them to do things with friends but let’s face it; they are still naive at that age. Keep to your rules on what you expect from her. My daughters do not ask permission to go or do anything without coming to me with the right information. Such as, with whom, what, where, when, and a parents phone number. Good luck.
We have 4 kids, 2 grown and 2 at home. Our kids are always welcome to bring their friends, male or female, over to our house or on family outings. They can go with their friends' families, or meet up at school functions, but no dating until 16. Then, they should start out going on group dates and avoid "going steady" or getting serious. So far, none of them have had a fit about the rules (because they know it wouldn't do any good) and we've never had any dating issues.
Good luck, Mom! Stand strong, even in the face of tantrums. :) Having a teen is a lot like having a toddler, but the stakes are higher.
In my household and growing up, I was not allowed to "date" until I was 16 years old.
Especially if he was a high school kid... you have every right to be scared. I would let her go out with another friend and her date. Double up... I would not allow one-on-one dating . You are stretching boundries... that you and your daughter might not be ready for.
Did you know that many kids are having sex at 14 now? Yikes...
Try to be supportive and fun, offer rides and encourage groups!!!
Don't buckle under preasure. Your instincts are right on this one. Alone dates should be out of the question until she is older. Yet if you forbid dating of any kind, she will hide if from you if its what she really wants to do. I saw all my girlfriends whose parents had strict dating ages (16 was common) lie on this issue. And yes, they were "good" kids. Then I saw one family's solution to this dellima and I thought it was brilliant. They didn't put age limmits on dating, but all dating had to be as part of family functions- no alone dates until a certain age (16,17, 18). And no alone time in the house. You can say it was old fashioned, but the kids accepted it really well and all new comers were forced to get to know the whole family (which made them more respectful of eachother). Aim for old fashioned. All mama's with teenagers should read a book called: Epidemic: how teenage sex is killing our Kids.
It will really open your eyes to the temptaions for sex out there that even us 30 somethings didn't have to deal with. And mama's who have been wishy washy on what they plan to teach their kids about sex and waiting may find they want to take a more old fashioned approach after reading this book for the sake of their kids physical and mental well being. Being a product of my generation, I was thinking of not teaching my kids to wait until marriage because I didn't wait and how can I expect them to. OMG, this book has kicked my butt into seeing that I will really do my daughter a disservice if I don't encourage her to wait for as long as she can possibly hold out. And that its my job to keep her safe.
I know you are just talking a movie date here on not sex, but the lines will begin to blur before you know it. This book will give any parent the backbone they are looking for.
This is not the age, nor the situation, for letting go A LITTLE. It doesn't matter that the CHILDREN have known each other since elementry school. In case it isn't apparent yet, the teenage years change EVERYTHING - and not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Knowing the boy's mother is not knowing the boy. Let your daughter invite the boy over for dinner and watching a DVD(in the livingroom or den, not the bedroom; with, or without the door open!). Include the boy in family functions. Get to know the boy as a family, and let the boy get to know your family. Whether the boy accepts or not will show his level of respect for authority and true intentions toward your daughter. Being a good Mom sometimes means allowing your child to hate you for a while; that way they are able to make it into adulthood and thank you later for being so "hateful". And just a word of warning: Any 14 year old girl who looks 18 is being set up to experience any number of situations that she will be unprepared to deal with.
I would suggest a family outing and include the young man. This will give you a chance to meet him and then observe their interaction together. This is also a chance for you to test his mettle. Whether or not he's willing to do this will say a lot about his character.
My 14 almost 15 year old son was dating a senior (ack! thankfully, they broke up soon fairly quickly) and we told him we would consider letting him go on a "date" with her after she joined us for a family outing (or two) so we could get to know her better. We tried setting this up several times but she backed out each time. That told me a lot!
I think once you get to know him a better, you'll be able to better judge what is best for your daughter.
Oh how I hear ya A.!! My daughter just turned 15 and wow she also looks older. We are pretty lucky because the set rule for us in our house is you don't date till you are 16 and it's only group dating. No alone one on one time. We have found that most of her friends are doing this also. We believe that she should wait till college to really explore one on one relationships. Thus far we have been really lucky and no one in particular has caught her eye, because she hasn't asked us. She is pretty upfront with her beliefs though. I hope this helps.
~~D., a mom who gets it!!
You should receive all sorts of responses from this one. lol.I Love SH response.Its honest and to the point.
Many parents,will make decisions,based on how their parents were with them.Some will be stricter,while those who are able to reflect back,may show more leniency.I think it unfair,to judge anyone on merely age alone. I come from a family of five girls,and while My sister may have been 16,and I a mere 14 I conducted myself,with more maturity than she did.I'm sure mom and dad would have trusted my instincts,before they did hers.However,they had a rule. No dating at all till we were 15.When I say dating,I mean we couldn't go alone with a date,however We could go with a group or another couple.I hung out with SH crowd. lol we went in groups, however it didn't always stay that way through the evening. : ) Personally,If I had a daughter that age right now,she proved herself to be trust worthy,was an excellent student,and we had an open relationship,I'd have no problem with her going to the show with the boy.There comes a time,when you need to allow your teens to mature,and make some decisions on their own.They have the need to prove not only too you, but to themselves,that they have learned from you,and now can begin acting like a young adult. Shes a young woman now,and she needs to feel you trust her judgment. As long as the two of you have a good relationship,and she continues to prove shes capable of making good choices,I see nothing wrong with it. I wouldn't drill her after the date,as some will suggest here,rather,I would be there,if she wanted to share,as this will bring you both closer. I wish you and your growing daughter,the best.J. M
I say that you get to know this boy a little more first. Invite him over for dinner one weekend and you could also invite him for a movie and popcorn with your family at home, you know just to get comfortable with him. If you don't know him and she goes out with him you're going to be at home worrying the whole time!
If you do not want her dating yet, tell her. You are the mom and ultimately responsible for her welfare. Even if she has known this boy, she is in Middle School and he is in High School. His mom could be the nicest person, that does not tell you how her son would be on a date. You can have her invite him over for dinner with the family. See how he acts, listen to your gut reaction to him. 14 going on 15 is too young to date. She will try to convince you that she knows what she is doing, he's a nice guy, and everyone else is going out, why can't she? Not everyone is going out at her age, and a movie is not necessarily the best place for a first date. Will there be a chaperone? You do not have to answer her right away. Give yourself time, do not be bullied or made to feel guilty because you care about her. Once you allow her to go on a date, she will think that dating has become acceptable to you. Also, looking 18 can be difficult. I had a younger sister that was 12 looking 17. I spent part of my teenage years protecting her from "nice guys". She would tell you that some things did happen that she wished never had. I am not trying to scare you, but telling you that you are a good mom and should be thinking wisely about this decision. Hang in there, this is just the beginning of many decisions you will make for those girls.
It's a though decision. I think this is the time to ask yourself Do I turst my daughter? Your response to her request is huge. Now I know all the parents that will say NONONO you have to be strict lay down the law..OK that is one point of view. But I will tell you that growing up my parents always trusted me , they always tolss me you have our trust until you do something to lose it. Kind of like innocent until proven guilty I guess. The were not push overs beleive me I ALWAYS new what they expected of me what the rules where. I never wanted to break their trust so I always did what was expected of me and I respected them so very much and basked in the glow of their trust. I don't know what kind of kid I would have been if I felt that my parents could not even trust me to go to the movies? I did have friends who had to sneak around all of the time and I just felt sorry for them and their parents, because those kids where wild and their parents didn't even know what was going on because their kids could not tell them anything. My advise is let her go to this movie let her know that you trust her. Find out exactly what time the movies is drop her off right on time, and then find out exactly when the movie ends and be there right on time to pick her up. I think it will be ok, or if you feel better ask her to find agroup of kids to go with so it's not just him and her. I just think this is a vital point in your mother daughter relationship and obviously she feels that she has a great respectful relationship with you, because she ASKED you, which means she RESPECTS you. Congrats for being a great mom and good luck whatever you decide to do.
I can (vaguely) remember being that age and my mom had a strict rule of no dating until I was sixteen. So what did I do? Sneaked around behind her back. I'd go over to a girlfriend's house where the boy could pick me up. Then we were completely unsupervised. Not good (in retrospect). I think it's great that your daughter is asking for permission. I think if she's trustworthy and certainly if you can meet the boy beforehand (which is not an unreasonable request at all) let her go. Dating isn't just about finding someone to marry. It's about figuring out what you'd like in a mate, too. Not to mention just plain having fun. Good luck in your decision!
I guess I lean more toward Jennifer's advice on this one. After all, what is dating for?
I think telling her that group outings are best for her at this age won't disappoint her too much. Besides, it may be a relief to her. You say she looks 18? I'm sure that's a lot of pressure on a little 14-year-old. (And I'm sure it's of particular interest to males.)
I don't think it makes a difference how many years they've known each other. They've only had hormones for a little while. It's really difficult to make wise decisions at that age; that's why they still live at home. They still need us to shield them from certain things.
She can learn how to handle conversations and friendships with both genders when she goes out in groups or invites them over. Eventually, she'll be able to take on more responsibility but, for now, she's still a little girl.
You already got some good advice (particularly from Carmen and Carla), but let me add some more food for thought from a Dad's perspective:
That you are involved with your daughter's life is a good thing, and that she welcomes that is even better. You really have to work with her and keep the dialogue open, or she will rebel and "work around" you (with dangerous consequences). YOU and your husband are the adults, and therefore the boss, and you should never compromise on that. The key is that you (with your superior judgement to a 14 year old) feel comfortable with the situation, after you explore it (talking with her, perhaps striking a fair compromise that does NOT yield to pressure or tantrum, knowing the boy's parents AND the boy, etc.). You really can't hold her back completely (although we'd all like to with our kids - LOL), so take small careful steps. Your daughter will learn this is best, a smart course through the teenage years in general. I hate to say it, but knowing the your daughter is good and the boy's parents are good is not enough. A HS boy is going to "go for it", sooner or later, and he has to know that some girls (like your daughter) are off limits sexually. The best way to impress this upon the young man is for the girl to assert herself with uncompromising values. It helps her do this if she has the support (read that as direct involvement) of her parents, and is not left alone to stumble through uncharted waters. Your daughter will probably look at you like your crazy when you try to discuss the sexual politics part of the equation, but calling a spade a spade and addressing it head on is essential. Not that you should make it the whole equation, but don't let her try to solve this one on her own, or she'll find out 1 + 1 = 3 ;-)
i have 3 girls. its a rule that they could only group date. i know the boys from attending school functions and band or they simply came over to play the playstation. 14 is quite young to be dating alone with a boy. others will get the wrong idea, even tho shes pure at heart. either go with them or have ur 7 yr old be chaporone or go as a family as we did. my husband and i, the daughter and boyfriend.
No, No, No. She's in middle school and he's in high school? oh no! and you say she looks 18, even worse. Boys will treat her as if she were older and expect more. My answer would be "no". Our rules: our kids could go on a "date" to school events, church functions and family outings or visit each others homes. They could go out in groups sometimes depending upon who, what, where, etc. An actual "date" can't occur until age 16. I was horrified to hear about the "things" teens are doing in the movie theater! Apparently making out isn't enough.
Besides, my theory is.... if we let them do things early (makeup, earrings, tattoos, dating, etc)... then what are you giving them to look forward to? What are they going to do in a few years when that's all old and boring? drugs, alcohol, etc? I say dish out the privileges very slowly.
Wow, I"m surprised at the wide spectrum of responses on this one. Here are my thoughts, if you're interested. First of all, I think the most important thing to note here is that she came to you and asked your permission/opinion on the subject. Wonderful. I think you probably know how precious that is. Many girls would not do so.
So...I think that't an important component of this scenario. She trusts you with the truth, and is asking for your trust in return. They can't drive, so they are depending on you for transportation to and from the theatre, so atleast you know where they'll be. (if you are really worried that they have 'other plans' then I'd make a point to see the movie in question and then ask her about it later on, very subtly, to make sure she acutaly watched it). But anyhow...it's true what many others have said here; if she really wants to see him and you forbid it, she'll just do it anyway, and more importantly, she'll keep info like that from you in the future. so I'd take this opportunity to allow her a bit of slack on this one. Of course, easier said than done...I personally don't have any daughters (only 2 sons, and they are way younger than 14!) But, as were the rest of us, I was once a young girl and i remember what it was like. They need to be given opportunities to show us that they are beginning to grow up.
Good luck and I hope you find a solution that works for you and your daughter. Oh, and one more thing. I would explain to her that it's improtant that you meet her beau ahead of time. Maybe allow her to suggest the terms under which you do so (would she prefer a shopping trip, or a lunch date, or a trip to the ice cream shop, with the 3 of you? maybe his mom can come too?) I don't have teens so perhaps im a bit out of touch on ideas for how to do this. But I would definitely want to meet him first.
It is obvious you have done a great job instilling your values in your daughter. She sounds like a successful, bright young woman. GOOD JOB MOM!
It is natural that you would be anxious about your daughter shifting her focus to "boys." As a mother of two boys and as Family Coach, I assure you that children who have strong, open bonds with their parents typically do not get into serious relationships at an early age. Teens in my practice are a lot more comfortable with platonic relationships with the opposite sex than we ever were at their age. Mild interest at this age is normal so I encourage you to look at this as an opportunity to help your daughter learn valuable new skills that she will need in order to be a happy, healthy, whole adult. You have an opportunity to supervise her time with boys and help her understand the feelings that may arise as she becomes attracted to boys in this whole new exciting way. You have a wonderful opportunity to be a part of this milestone in your daughters life and it can actually enrich your relationship with her if she knows she can talk to you openly about her life.
So keep a watchful eye and be there when she needs you and hold on for the ride.... it is only just beginning!!!
Hi A., I am the mother of 4 kids, (16~boy, 13~girl, 3~girl and 1.5~boy) and we don't allow our kids to have boyfriends/girlfriends. Now, my oldest, 16, he has been going and hanging out with friends and girls are there, but nothing exclusive with just a girl. I know what I was doing when I was 16 and I don't want that for my kids. This is just us, most people think we are too harsh, and tell us we should let them date, but we say NO! School is too important and I want them to go to college and have a career, there is plenty of time for dating when they are older and can handle a realtionship.
I feel that 14 or 15 is too young to be dating. My daughter, who is only 9, has already been told that she won't be dating until she is 16, and then only in groups. No couple dates unless I know the boy very well.
This is what I'm doing with my daughter. Hopefully this helps.
I have teenagers and this is a tough one! Sounds to me like your daughter has a good head on her shoulder, and you trust her. I would let her know that you are going to put the date idea on hold until you've met the boy and feel comfortable with him. If you know the mom you might want to call her and bring the date ish up.
Assuming you're comfortable, I would encourage her to go with a group of friends which include this boy, but I can see where that may not fly - while your daughter is an old 8th grader, the others are not. If that won't work.I'd let her go to an early movie with an early curfew - 7.00 movie, 10.00 curfew for ex. You do no mention if the boy drives, but assuming he does not it makes it easier - his mom or dad will have to drive them and it makes it much easier to control.
I'd also ask her if she wants to go. From what I've heard from kids alot of girls feel that they have to say yes when I boy asks them out, don't want to make the boy feel bad etc. Let her know she can always blame you if she needs an out "I'm sorry, my mom said I can't go to that movie, My mom said I can't go to that party etc."
well girl I completly understand you, I have 13 years old boy look like 16, and 8 years old girl look like 11 hahahaha so funny .you have to be friend of your own kids trust me ,don't let them cross the line but you need to understand them .don't forgot you were a kid too, take them to the movie trust them and pick them up.........as a parent we always going to be afraid, but our babies have to growup one day...........Bye good luck.........I. Sanchez. you will see everything its going to be alright girl...............talk and talk a lot with your kis I see the comments of other parents ,they all are differents go with your instint ok, you are the only can decided about this,,,,,,,,
That is so sweet, but beware cause kids are just so savvy these days - well always actually! I was going to say, be sure they go with a group of friends, that's what I did, but then of course, who's to say the kids won't leave them to be by themselves. When my daughter's that age, I'm going to just wait til she's 16 to date. Something my friend used to do is allow the "boyfriend" to come along with their family to dinner, or the mall - and let them shop or eat by themselves, but within some kind of agreeable range. Def. let her go a bit, but keep strong boundaries cause the fun is about the begin. My oldest just turned 18 and during his birthday breakfast wtih me last week, he told me about all the things he & his friends used to do! Makes your head spin! Also, one thing I've learned the hard way is - even though they all have cell phones, you have to get the parent's phone # of the place they "say" they're going to be sure they actually go there. Just checking in with your child is not good enough cause they can say they're anywhere!
If you are interested, we are starting a teen discussion group to try to shed light on these kinds of things to help us parents do things as well as possible! If you're interested, please contact me here.
A., I know you've probably had your fill of advice, but I just wanted to offer one more perspective...
My first date was when I was 14 (almost 15), and my parents let me go out w/a 16-year-old! What were they thinking? =) The crazy thing is that I was raised in a very conservative home. Our first date was out w/friends, but we went alone. We dated for several months. I dated a few guys for the remainder of high school as well.
Despite all of this I was 16 1/2 before my first kiss! Let alone anything else. (21-years-old b/f I lost my virginity to my now-husband & only lover)
When my parents let me do what felt right, I was able to continue to make right choices and progress in every other way based on what felt right. Just consider the alternative. As a parent now, I can't imagine my daughters ever dating and can't imagine your shoes, but I wanted to give you the perspective of your little one. If she feels ready (whether you are or not), maybe she is.
I would recommend letting her go to a movie with the boy if a responsible adult, preferably parent, drove your daughter and the boy to and from the location. You might feel better, too, if a group consisting of both girls and boys went.
If you haven't talked to her about details of sex, esp. prevention of pregnancy and contraction of sexually transmitted diseases, yet, then do so now.
I really liked Kathleen's response about teaching that dating is special. My parents had a rule that I couldn't until 16 - but I had a boyfriend in the neighborhood at 14 and met another one at church at 15, but we weren't out on "dates" to movies or anything. At 16, I remember having my first date with a boy I met at a party at my friends house. I didn't really know him (neither did my friend), but he came over to pick me up (I was 16, he was 18) and my Mom was on the phone. When I said, "he's here" she just said, "Have a good time!" and didn't even meet him!!! I remember being a little nervous. I wanted them to sit him down, like in Happy Days episode and ask him where we were going and when we'd be home and for my Dad to give him "the look" like he better take care of his baby girl. OK, well maybe not too extreme or anything, but really none of us knew ANYTHING about the guy. He was a good guy and I did date him for quite a while, but had my parents asked a few questions and made me think more about what I was doing, I might not have invested so much time and we were from completely different worlds.
One thing I wanted to share was that at some point, one of my parents advised keeping an amount of money on me that would pay for a cab ride home whenever out on a date. That way, if I ever got into a really bad situation, I could always leave under my own power. This made me think about being alone with someone in general (that I did not know well) and it empowered me too. As your daughter gets older this would be a tip I'd pass on. I think that just feeling empowered lets you give off a vibe that you are not a victim. I never had any trouble, but would not have hesitated to go to the ladies room and leave a situation. Now we have cell phones and it's a different world, but still, it's important to be able to take care of yourself (as opposed to calling for help). Good luck!!!
I think 14 is too young to go on a date alone. If she goes on a double date with another girlfriend or as a group to the movies, that is better. Remember, even "good kids" can get carried away with their hormones. If you save the dating alone until she is 16 then you can put off the "heavy petting" that can occur at 14 or 15. The more people around the better. I know that you probably trust her, but just let her know that even trustworthy people can get carried away sometimes. If there is a chaperone or another group or couple with them, it just offers HER a bit of protection from letting herself get carried away.
Another alternative is to go to the movies with her and just sit in another movie. Or go to a place like Bella Terra in HB or the Block at Orange or Irvine Spectrum and let her walk around with her boyfriend while you shop elsewhere or go to another movie or restaurant with your date. That way they won't know if you might just turn up around the corner somewhere and will behave themselves. If you let them date now, what will they be doing at 16? You are right to want to "let go a little" but 14 is just way too young to be left alone with a boy without a grown-up somewhere nearby. Good luck!
If you're not ready for her to date yet, tell her she can go with him and a group of friends. But you need to set an age where she can start dating, maybe 15, 15 1/2 or 16. You also should have this boy over so you can see what he is like, maybe for dinner or something.
If he is the same age, offer to drive them to the movies and then to pick them up. That's what my mom did when I was that age. That way, you know where they are and how long they will be there. You could even watch a different movie that is playing at the same time.
Hi A., Wow, I am now 42 but this brought me back to when I was 14 years old. My mom let me and my sister pretty much do whatever we wanted. We "dated" if that's what you would call it, whomever we wanted, etc. At the time I thought I had the coolest mom in the world! (But I also had the attitude that I could "get away with" anything I wanted) But looking back I wish she would have insisted that she meet my boyfriends! It would have made me feel like dating was special, which I did not at the time. I don't think it would be advisable to ever put your foot down and say "I don't want you to date this boy" But I definitely think it's a great idea to insist on meeting them before she can go out on a on on one date. This will put it in perspective for you, for your daughter AND for the boy! BTW - the backstory - both my sister and I were "good kids" - good grades, not spoiled brats or anything like that. And our mom was great! helped at school, watched our sports games, was very loving, but since our mom did not really seem to invest in our "dating" lives - we both were kind of on our own there. We both had sex at a very young age - me at 15!! and her at 17. We had no idea about birth control or disease and were both sooo lucky that nothing like that happened to us. My advice....Let her spread her wings, but BE INVOLVED (in a supportive way!) every step of the way!!!!! My sister and I have talked about this so many times as adults and parents now, and that is what we have vowed to do for our kids.
i totally agree with diana, as long as they arent alone together its probably not a bad thing. if she really wants to hang out with this kid outside of school then i highly recommend going with them to the movies.
My daughters are not this age yet but my friends that do have daughters this age do group dating with a parent driving and another picking up. Even school dances and church activities are done this way. That way no one can be alone. Also maybe a day outing with the family would be good. Good luck.
I raise two girls now 21 and 25. I have always been honest with them of course I've been mom and dad. I was a single parent. It is harder raising girls, because we as women know that we handle all the responsibilities and our minds never sleep always worrying.
Be honest, talking to them about the birds and the bees. Be straight up front with the way today's world is there is nothing I am sure they have not heard or seen with tv and media. You will find that you become closer with your girls.
My girls and I are like sisters. Yes, you will have your spats because you MOM. Always remember that when they get the your not fair mom, weren't you a teenager once attitude. You have your hands full at this age. Just let them know your there for them and they can talk to you about anything. Especially, birth control. Trust Me.
I know mom want to protect and keep their child safe. Just make sure you have the information about their where they are going who they are going with and a number to contact them. Especially, a time to be home.Give her a little room to move but not too much. She has to grow up sometime and you have to learn to trust her. Take day to day it's not easy being MOM. Good Luck and best wishes to you and your girls.
I have a daughter in high school and I still don't let her go alone to the movies with one boy. She can go in a group or they can go with me. Its a good idea just to go with them anyway. Kids can easily fold to peer pressure and you want to keep her innocent as long as possible. To me, even heavy petting is not acceptable, and I'm sure it goes on in plenty of movie theaters.
No unsupervised dating until she is at least 16. I know it sounds like a bummer, but unsupervised teenagers get into trouble, even the good ones. Maybe both families could go together and let the "couple" sit apart? Maybe one parent could get several young folks together to go to the movies and include the "couple"? It is hard balancing your desire to let her grow up and your desire to protect her. I know one father that had four daughters who were not allowed to date. His oldest eloped and his second dated her second cousin in church for a year before they announced they were engaged. If you hold on too tight they rebel and get sneaky, too loose and you become a grandparent way to early. That happened to another friend of mine, whose daughter was not allowed to date at 15 and she snuck out of the house every evening by shimmying down a tree! She and her mom were both pregnant at the same time! It's going to be a tough high wire act. I think group dates are the way to go until 16 and then parents provide transportation. No driving with anyone until they are 18 and have had two years of ticket free driving experience! With group dating and parental supervision you are not saying "No" but you aren't going to let her get into trouble too soon. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
I was not allowed to "date" until I was 16 and even then for awhile it had to be in a group. Plus movies are boring for a date. If the movie ends up being a stinker then what do you do????? Since she is still really young see if she would be interested in having him come over with some friend to watch a movie and maybe play some games. It is alot more fun with other people. that way you can be there to "supervise" or just have an adult presence.Things won't get out of hand if you could pop in at any given moment. You don't have to hover or play cruise director just so everyone knows you are there. She has so much time to date and such as she gets older. Let her be Yikes not a kid but a young teen.
Well, what is your policy on dating and have you talked to your daughter about one? Personally for me, it would depend on what the movie is, and what time it is playing. An afternoon movie on a weekend I would let my DD go to (I have a 14 yr old too!) but would encourage maybe a group thing rather than just her and the boy. Offer to drive them and pick them up afterwards. Nothing ruins a budding romance faster than having mom around LOL. It also shows you care.
And definitely insist on meeting the boy first!
This is a little late, but for what it's worth: my cousin (a tall, somewhat imposing but sweet man) made sure that he always met his daughter's dates for a nice chat ahead of time. Then, he'd shake the boy's hand really firmly, look him straight in the eye and say "I'm holding you personally responsible for my daughter's safety tonight"
He wasn't mean or too threatening about it, just very serious and firm. His daughter always made it a point to be sure that the men had a little time alone for this to transpire! :-)