First Custody Weekend-6 Yr Old Acting Out

Leanne,
I would suggest not giving in to their tantrums. I think it is so much easier to just give the kids what they want, but that will just develop bad ways of dealing with hard situations. I would also say you should sit down with the kids and ask what is going on, how they are feeling, etc. to get some of it out in the open and then you are better equipped to handle the situation and their feelings/frustrations. I would also tell you not to get mad at them and take frustration out on them for feeling the way they feel about the divorce/custody. They are kids and didn't choose this and they might not know of any way to let you know that it isn't fair for them other than acting out.

Your children are probably craving security and consistency during this time of change. You mentioned trying to think of fun things to do with them to prevent behavior problems. I definitely think you should help him by trying to put him into situations where he is less likely to act out. You want to give him as much positive feedback as possible during this challenging time. I would caution you to avoid going to extremes during this early time so it doesn't build expectations - fun activities don't need to be extravagent. That could also quickly develop into competition between the 2 houses that he could hold against you. Fun activities might be playing together in the backyard - you don't need to go to an amusement park. You could do a craft together or visit a local playground and pack a picnic on day. It will be important to spend extra time with him during the transition, but you also want to begin developing some new routines for weekends at your house. In my house it seems things are always popping up - basic household tasks and family events - on the weekends so 2 full weekend days become busy fast. Perhaps having a routine for breakfast and doing something together on Sat morning and church on Sun morning and something predictable for bedtime as well. Kids feel safe with routines - they know what to expect and I'm sure with all of the changes in his life, he might be struggling to know what to expect next. Good Luck

Hi Leanne,
I think it sounds like pretty normal behavior for kids entering this new "arrangement."
If there is any way you can, you need to convince your "ex" that the two of you need to be having open honest communication in the best interest of these kids, you should do it. The marriage may be over but your co-responsibility is going to around forever. Even if he agrees to only speak with you where the children are concerned -- other topics can be off limits. I'll bet there are going to be lots of situations/circumstances that will need the attention of BOTH parents. You both made these kids and you both need to be doing all that you can to help them through this transition. They didn't ask for this--please make sure they know that your decision to divorce had NOTHING to do with them or their behavior. Never speak badly of their father in their presence. My parents were divorced, and even though my father deserved it, my mom NEVER said anything negative to me about my dad.
I think it's going to take your kids some time to get used to the new arrangements, and I think you'll probably see their behavior stabilize over time. It's pretty early in the game right now so I hope your ex-husband's anger diminishes over time. I would also suggest a "no new men" in their lives rule for quite a while--it will confuse them even more. Good luck to all of you and God Bless.

I have also been through this "acting out" in my daughter. Her dad and I split up when she was just 1 1/2, but as she got older, she would come home and be miserable. I used to call her dad up and wonder what the heck happened when she was with him to make her act like that. As time has passed, and she is almost 8, I have realized that her "acting out" at times when she comes home from spending time with him, is just her way of sorting through her own feelings and issues in her own way. At first I used to want her to talk about how she felt right away, but at this point I give her plenty of space when she comes home. When she is ready to ressume life at home, she does, usually after spending some time singing or drawing in her room, or outside "talking" to the trees or something. I have seen a great decrease in the immediate tantruming upon her return. Whenever rudeness or a sharp attitude pops up elsewhere, usually around dinner time if she came home earlier in the day, I just tell her that I understand it is difficult for her to transition between households, but when she comes home she is still expected to be nice to everyone. Good luck.

Hi Leanne, Your in the middle of a really tough situation and you all are feeling it. The best thing you can do is continue to stay as positive as possiable and keep things as normal and routine as possiable. Kids need routine and structure and when that all goes haywire so do they. As they get used to your custody arrangement and things settle down into a new routine so will the kids. Try to stay away from giving into temper tantrums or buying them gifts to make them "feel better"...that will just make things harder for a longer peroid of time. They need to feel that even though Mom & Dad are apart life is still pretty much the same. Give your ex some space and a chance to work through his emotions then approach him with the fact that no matter what you two have to be a team to raise your children. You don't have to love or even like each other, but you do have to be able to work together and get along because there will always be events that you will both be involved with for your children and as they get older those will increase. From parent teacher confrencens, to sports events, to music or dance concerts & recitals. You don't want your child to feel that they have to choose between you or be uncomfortable because your in the same space. That's not fair to them. This is something that you have to work out for life... Good luck and best wishes.

Hi Leanne,
My 11 year old and I went thru the same thing. I started letting her sleep with me or cuddle the night she came home. I didn't ask her about her visit but instead let her talk. She would be mean to me and hyper when she got home. It does get better. Just watch out for signs of PAS parental alienation syndrome. Read up on it and don't ever let your bad feelings for their father show.

I have a son that his father and i have been divorced now for over 10years.All his life(since he was 14months old when we split)DS has been doing the 50/50 thing and now he's old enough to make up his mind if he wants to bed home or go with his father.
1.Has it been easy......
HELL NO!!!!!!!!
2.Has ds gotten used to the idea of weekends here and there??
Not really.
3.Do we still have behavior issues with him??
Yes,every weekend he's with his dad(who let me state has no other children...where dh and i have 2 other children together)
4.Do you have to keep it as positive as possible for the children and put your feelings aside?
Yes and it's so hard at times.Always remind your children that they didn't nothing to cause this and you both love them no matter what.
5.Is it normal behavior for you children to act out?
Yes,this is new to them and it might/might not get easier.It depends on your children(and both you and your ex's attitudes towards visits and things).My son has some mental problems and puberty on top of it does cause problems.Plus his father is getting remarried and ds is on the"back burner"so it's causing problems.

I could write more but good luck.I know how hard it is and it's still hard(atleast for us it is)but just try to stay positive and remind the children how much you both love them.

I was little when my parents divorced and there are a few things they did to help us (they didn't speak to each other either or if they did it certainly wasn't nice). My brother and I went to counseling to help ensure it wasn't our fault although we were sure it was. NEVER tell your children to tell their dad something on your behalf, that puts the kids in the middle, and ALWAYS tell them you love them and it is nothing they did it's between you and their dad. It's a big adjustment and they will have their moments but I am sure it will get better. Let them know what your rules are and they will have to suffer the consequences if not followed. Iknow they are young but they will understand.

As for the husband tell him if he doesn't wish to speak to you then he needs to pay for a mediator because your main concern is the well being of your children.

Good Luck

Hi Leanne,

This is a tough time in ALL of your lives. It's going to take time for each of you to adjust to the new life you are living. Be sure to do something good for yourself each time the kids are at their dads. This will help YOU relax and be ready for "the onslaught" when they return. Financially that may be tough, but try to think through things you like to do, even if it's free -- go for walks, anything that makes part of your weekend off "my time" and positive time. Something that will ease the stress and that you can't do with children in tow - or don't usually do with kids in tow.

Each time they swap homes, it's going to be tough. They are going to go through joy at being with Mom again, and grief processes from being separated from Dad. And my guess is that the same stuff is going at Dad's.

They are young and they don't necessarily have the words to explain how they are feeling, nor do they necessarily know how they are feeling. There's frustration, lonelinee, anger, sorrow, guilt, etc. They need to know that the divorce is not their fault. Nothing either of them did or didn't do cauesd the divorce, and there's nothing they can do to fix it. They need to know that Daddy loves them AND Mommy loves them, and because you both love them, you wanted to have joint custody.

When they come home, try to be sure that you don't have "other stuff' that has to be done. If you can drop everything when they get home and devote your time directly to them, that will help. Maybe do something active to ease the restlessness, even something so simple as a walk with the stroller for the 4 yr old. It'd ease some of the energy, and the younger one might fall asleep by the time you get home, so you could talk with your son.

You can say things like, "you seem angry." Or, "Are you angry?" Or, simply say, "I'm sorry you can't live with Mommy and Daddy at the same time." You can apologize to him that it hurts him, and maybe that will open the bottle and some of his emotions will come out -- tears, whatever. Hopefully in private, so he's not embarrassed.

There are also a number of books out that deal with divorce -- picture books. I would head to a book store and sit down to read them. In books, children and parents can express emotions in a controlled environment, cuz it's all scripted and you read it. Usually the books will talk about the initial emotions, and then end with the idea that it's okay nt to be at Daddy's, and at Mommy's, and I like being in both places. Be sure to READ them first, and think about what is being said. I've seen children's books say some of the most wonderful things, and I've seen kid's books that are horrifyingly awful ! One even said, "Daddy said, "Mommy wouldn't have left if she loved you." I was HORRIFIED with that one ! So READ THEM before you buy. (A good activity for your off time)

The other good thing about reading books about children of divorce is that it helps the kids to realize that they aren't the only ones. I found some books like that in the library, and we'd read them at bedtime, and my 5 yr old, whenshe got to pick the book to read, would always choose that one. It seemed to help comfort her.

By reading and figuring out if the books are good or not, you are also having time to digest the impact of divorce on you and on your kids, and even if you don't buy them, you are going to find yourself gaining simple words with which to discuss the situation with your children.

The more words you can put in the environment, so the kids feel free talking about their lives, and have words with which to do so, the easier the transition will be -- but it is still going to take time. And while all that is going on, you are simultaneously dealing with your own feelings of loss, rejection, etc.

If you want to talk to your ex and he's not talking, I would recommend at some point, sitting down and hand-writing a letter. (Does anyone do this anymore ?) if the letter isn't gentle enough, you can toss it and start over. Be sure to let him know that you are writing because you want to extend an olive branch, and you hope you guys can be something of a team in terms of raising the children. You both love them and want the best for them, and that in order to create environments in both your homes that will be good places for the kids to live, and to make the transition times easier, you two need to be able to communicate and work together to raise them. You want to be able to discuss problems with school, with friends, etc., so when the kids swap homes, the parents are clued in as to what's been going on. It's going to be tough, because at each of these transition points, you are both dealing with issues of loss, rejection, loneliness, anger, whatever, too --- but if you can find ways to be positive and kind to each other, and helpful to the children, life will get better . . . .

and be aware that the kids may be saying things they hear, and reacting to things that they get from elsewhere. I made a pact with myself never ever to say anything negative about their dad in front of my kids. And I was really good about it until they were teens, and deserved to know the "full story". Then I tried to be realistic with them, but not accusatory. They stil have a right to love their dad. But I couldn't control what other relatives said. It's really important to try to build some level of trust with your ex so that you guys can deal honestly with things that are said by others.

But don't expect trust to come quickly. The marriage fell apart for a reason, so you have to learn to build bridges first. Be kind, be respectful, be reasonable, be forgiving, and be flexible. There will be times you have to bite your tongue in front of him, and want to scream afterwards. That's okay. But your goal here is to build enough of a relaionship with each other that you can effectively raise healthy children.

I had friends who had joint custody. It was kind of fun, cuz my kids didn't have very many friends of divorced parents at the time. And we used to do stuff with Chris and his dad, and sometimes we did stuff with Chris and his mom. I loved them both ! And it helped my kids to have a friend whose parents didn't live together. It got hard for me at times -- but it was funny, too. Cuz she always told me litle stuff about him that she didn't like, but she always always told me he was a wonderful father. And on that note, I'll just say that -- it's good to emphasize the positive, even now, when you're feeling overwhelmed.

Time will help each one of you to learn to cope with the situation, and I'm sorry that it takes time. We'd like to see a cure happen quickly, and it doesn't. But the time you spend together working through this together is time in which you are building a family history of love together. Think of some things you can do that are special for "mommy times" -- we used to do the zoo, cuz we lived in Phila at the time, and make those things special. Other things that can help are to have special bedtime rituals, or something -- things that you do together, that you all enjoy, and can be a source of stories years from now. They build family cohesion -- something you may feel you need right now -- and if you need them, believe me, so do your kids !!

Good luck, Mom ! You'll get there, but it's a process, not a quick fix.

barb

Just want to say...hang in there. Im not certain what you can do or what your disciplione style is but my suggestion is to pick and choose what to get mad about for awhile. My kids are 6 and 8...their dad and I have been separated for 2 years. Its still hard but only once we started communicating about the kids, have they hit a turning point. They now know they cant get away with what they want. That when they dont listen they get punished at home AND with their father. Key is communication w him. Write him a letter and tell him you will let the court know of his lack of communication and how much it HURTS the kids. Write one to his parents or someone close if he doesnt get it. Just letting them know you need communication before the kids are getting in trouble later in years. I know this from my own experience as a child with divorced parents and how my kids have been through this whole ordeal. Almost 2 years later, I am in a new relationship with a new house and a news start, my kids enjoy the changes we have made on our own. I dont believe this stuff has to traumatize them at all, however, letting their behavior go...will cause for bad behavioral probs down the line...and likely a counselor will trace it back to these years. Good luck

think the last sentence you wrote about you should be changed cause the kids are acting out.

I'd look into a divorce care for kids in your local area. They run same time as parents and they do wonders for the little ones.

It will take the kids time to adjust to the 50/50 arrangement. Some never adjust to it.

The bitter dad, i know that one all to well, 20 months and counting for me and I got 5 kids with him and 18 years of marriage, that he left and he bitter. Can't make him talk to you and the more you try the worse it can get.

Suggest maybe some counseling for all of you.

Good Luck