Effects on Opposite Sex Dating Sleepovers on Young Kids

Sorry E.. That really sucks.

As a divorced mom myself, I totally know what it's like to feel like you can't keep your ex's decisions from impacting your child.

The only advice I can give you is to put your energy where you CAN actually do some good. Your ex is going to do what he does. It's going to seep into your son's life in whatever way it does. There's nothing you can do about that, so don't make yourself and your son crazy over it.

Instead, focus on ways to make his choices less damaging for your son. Think through what it is that is troubling about his dating choices. What is the risk? What are you worried it will do to your son? Then think of ways (unrelated to dad's relationships) to make sure that doesn't happen.

Also, try not to let it bother you (I hate when people say that) but your son is undoubtedly attached to you and could be feeding off of your stress and worry as much as anything else.

HTH,
T.

Ask his teacher if he is also acting out in class. If his schoolwork or ability to concentrate is also being affected, you may want to consider taking him to see someone during school hours.

I am not sure where you are located, but I have found our play therapist at a local college TAMU Commerce. I am not sure but maybe other colleges around Dallas would have a counseling center with play therapists that do work around a school schedule and financial differences. I just called the program head for counseling and was given the info for their onsite counseling services.

To add to the good advice that you've already received:

The cause of your son's behavior probably isn't that the girlfriend is new and not in a stable relationship with his dad. His father definitely violated every aspect of adding her to his son's life in a healthy manner, however, the truth is, many children of every age react badly when a new girlfriend/boyfriend is added to their lives--even when it is handled beautifully.

Your son is being forced to come closer to giving up the dream that lives inside of most children of divorce that their parents will magically get back together and make the family whole once again.

This happened to my two children and my stepson when my husband and I decided to get married--even though we were VERY careful about the way we entered the children's lives gradually (with no sleepovers!!) and the children all liked the prospective stepparent. It was still the death of a dream.....even though that dream was never going to happen and they knew that. My kids had even said they liked things better with their dad gone (violent temper)....they still imagined a rosier life in the "back together" fantasy then what had ever really taken place.

I don't know what can make this any easier on your son, other than providing as much stability as possible when he's with you. Help him to eventually come to terms with his life the way it is now, and to see that it's pretty good.

My custody /support agreement has a clause that neither parent may have persons of the opposite sex who are not related to the parent spend the night while the minor child is present.

This was a standard clause that the presiding judge put into the agreement. At first I thought it was crazy, but as my son grew and his father adopted a revolving door policy on girlfriends, I appreciated the clause.

My son still met and spent daylight time with his father and the girlfriends, but it was more like play time to him than a threat to his time with his father. I did the same - once I decided a man was worthy of meeting my son - we all went to play goofy golf or to the beach.

You need to talk to Ex one more time and explain that his volatile relationship is affecting his son. If he refuses to see the light you need to talk to your attorney and have the rules changed to protect your son.

I personally think it's probably a bit of both. Your son needs a stable environment, but he's still responsible for his own behavior decisions. I tell my students all the time that no one made them do something, they are the only ones who can control themselves. As parents and teachers, we try to teach them the right choice and guide them in the right direction. We have motivations, expectations, and consequences, but when you get down to it, the kid can still decide not to do it.

It's important not to make excuses for their behavior. Eventually the kid starts picking up on that and will start making excuses to rather than owning up to their responsibility. It can also cause problems with him and his father. He will hear you saying things negative and blame his dad or he will blame his dad for his behavior as he gets older. No one causes someone elses behavior, no one makes them throw fits and tantrums. Now, that being said, if the parent is not being consistent at home, it's not helping correct the behavior. Also, yes, certain things don't help situations with kids, like lack of sleep, trouble at home, and changes at home, but again, they can still control their choices.

It is good that you are concerned as a mom and want to help. Talk to your child's teacher. Talk to the counselor at school. They are good resources for your child to talk about what's bothering them and problem solve what to do in the future when they are having behavior difficulties. The counselor and teacher can also give you guys tips for at home too, maybe books or websites with good advice. I suggest Love and Logic.

Is it really this woman thats causing all the problems, or could it just be the whole divorce, and the fact that hes going back and forth with 2 different sets of rules. My kids act the same way when they spend a weekend with my parents. Unfortunately your ex-husbands love life is none of your business, unless your son is exposed to something unsafe, or inappropriate, you are not going to be able to run your ex-husbands life anymore. I would just try to focus on your life and your son, and unfortunately you will probably be picking up the slack where your ex is lagging in the parenting. Most moms have to do that anyways. Not trying to be mean, but it seems like you are focusing way too much on your ex's love life, and once you move on from that, things might seem a little better. Giving your ex rules for his love life isnt something you should bother yourself with. Its sounds like you know way too much info on his love life, and where are you getting it from? Are you interrogating your 5 year old about the details? I hope not! Good luck!

I don't really have any advice on your situation but you may want to look at University of North Texas for play therapy or perhaps the school counselor.