Feelng Avoided by My Daughter's Best Friend Mom

You're talking about texting but have you had any face-to-face interactions? Why are you waiting for her to come to you? Go talk to her. Knock on her door.

"Hi Emily, I thought I'd bring some muffins over if you care to make a pot of coffee so we could chat. I noticed over the past couple of months that we haven't been able to connect much lately and it's been bothering me so I thought I'd come over to talk and see how you're doing."

I wouldn't bother with a phone call, I'd go to the house and do a face to face - then you can see her emotions and attitude, not have to guess. I'd take something with me - something you know she likes - cake, cookies, whatever her favorite is and tell her you've missed seeing her and ask if everything is okay. Ask if you've done something unintentional to hurt her feelings or if your daughter did. Tell her you've been disappointed in the lack of response and were worried.

Talk about YOUR feelings, don't critisize her and don't make up excuses, wait for an answer when you ask. Go in love, not defensiveness - just wanting to find out the reason.

I have been embraced and also kicked, so don't go with any expectations. Either she see that you really care and whatever it was was not done in malice - or she won't. But it will give you a chance to know what happened and why and then you'll just have to deal with it. Do NOT malign her afterwards to anyone - she may still come round. (I say all this because of my experience). Good luck!!

At 9 my kids made their own plans, with my approval of course, but they made the call and made the arrangements. You will find out pretty quickly if there is a problem since THEY will be making the plans. Good luck!

My girls are 8 and 10. They make their own plans with kids in the neighborhood (any friends that within walking distance) Is your daughter's friend too far away to walk by herself? My 8 year old always calls over her shoulder "I'm going to so and so's house!" as she walks out the door (her friend lives across the street). I'm friendly enough with the mom, but we never make the plan for our girls. My 10 year old is more of a phone person these days. She'll just call her BFF and ask if she wants to play. This friend lives about 4 houses down. Maybe take that approach if you're able. Give your daughter her friend's # and tell her to call her herself!

If none of that will work b/c of distance or whatever I would just call the mom and ask her. Say, "I feel a little weird about asking this, but did something happen that I'm not aware of?" Be open to the idea that kids change as they grow - and maybe this other little girl is moving on. Your daughter may not have figured this out yet. Being a little girl is tough!! I remember all of this kind of stuff pretty clearly, and I'm 39! Good luck to you :)

It sounds like you need to take the que from the mother and stop pursuing it. I had a similar situation where we asked a new neighbor over to play and they came once, and invited us to their home once. I then invited them a couple more times and got excuses or no response until the last minute.

It took me two cold shoulders and no offers of alternate times or reciprocate invites to stop calling. I never asked her why. Even though I was curious if it was no connection with me or the kids didn't get along, in any conversation I played in my head, I looked clingy or desperate in some way. No thanks. Although we did not know each other as long as you and the other mother. Sometimes the neighbor girls still ask me if they can have a play date, but I always tell them it's fine with me, but you have to ask your mom.

Also, could it be you are a little hurt that a woman you thought was your friend is now not responding to you? I would be just as hurt over that as the girls not playing. It seems extremely rude.

If your daughter asks again, then tell her she's growing up and can help plan her play time with friends. Tell her a play date is fine with you, but she needs to talk to her friend at school and if it's ok with her friends mom then you can get together. This will put the ball in the other court and you just sit back and see what happens.

In the meantime, focus your and your daughters attention on her other friends. Invite them over, or encourage her to make new friends and invite them to do something. We have a school directoy and my little social butterfly is always wanting me to find someone's number. I've reached out to plenty of moms I didn't know at all with "Hi, I'm R's mom and she and Suzie Q are in the same class. R would love to play with Suzie, would you like to meet us at a park?" Sometimes it sticks and sometimes it doesn't.

It's probably that the girls are growing apart for whatever reason and the mom either doesn't want to stay friends with you apart from the kids, or doesn't know how to be your friend when the girls are not friends. I'd be polite if you run into her, but don't initiate any more contact. If you keep reaching out it might get awkward.

I would just tell her the truth. The other mom hadn't responded to your call/text.

I'm usually honest with my kids when they ask why they haven't had a playdate in awhile etc. With some kids I've said, "well, not all mothers are as good as I am about hosting playdates and her mother doesn't seem to have kids over much." Let my kids say something to their friend and let the friend put pressure on the mother if they want to have a playdate. And my kids are younger. So with a 9 year old, I'd definitely tell your daughter "I don't know. Suzy's mom hasn't gotten back to me again. Why don't you ask Suzy?" But also start probing a bit if Suzy is sitting next to your daughter bc Suzy seeks your daughter out too or your daughter goes right to Suzy and perhaps Suzy is too nice to dissuade her. I'd steer your daughter to her other friends and either Suzy will miss her and reinstigate things or Suzy doesn't consider your daughter her BFF anymore and it's best to concentrate on other kids asap. It sounds like you've given the mom many chances so at this point, do not ask one more time... If you're a close neighborhood, you'll see the mom out and about and you can be friendly and open and either things will gradually come around again or not. I woudln't see it as being immature to ignore her back vs take her cues at this point. It's only immature if you see her and actively ignore her and act all put out and give her a dirty look...

It sounds like the other girl has made some new friends and is expanding her social circle. I would call the other mother and say something like... "would Hannah like to come over for lunch and a go to a movie this weekend? Susie and she haven't had a playdate in a while, I hope I haven't done something to offend you."

I tend to be somewhat "blunt" like that. If something has offended her, you've acknowledged the fact that you have noticed a change in her behavior and are giving her an opening to say something. If you haven't, then chalk-it up to preadolescent friendship shifts and see if you can arrange something for the girls to do. Your daughter may still consider little Hannah to be her BFF... but that doesn't necessarily mean that the feeling is mutual! Be prepared for the friendship to taper-off for a while and then reappear in the coming months.

You don't say how long the girls have been friends. If less than a year, then maybe the mom got too close to you too fast while her daughter had fewer friends and is backing off now that she sees that there is a bigger world out there for her daughter, so to speak. Maybe she doesn't want her daughter to be so dependent on this neighborhood friendship. If she's feeling awkward about communicating this to you, then she's probably also feeling overwhelmed by your persistence, not that you are doing anything wrong. Maybe she is revamping her (daughter's) life and decided that one little thing that you or your daughter said or did was a deal-breaker long term. You never know what the deal is when someone won't talk to you. You can't force it, though. I would leave her alone for a while, so she doesn't feel like you just refuse to take a hint. The girls are old enough to get the parents to make it happen if they really want to see each other. Meanwhile, just tell your daughter that you weren't able to reach the other mom--she didn't answer, didn't return your call, etc. Next time your daughter brings it up, tell her to talk to her friend and tell her friend to have her mom call you about it. Don't suggest that until your daughter brings it up again. "Tell her to ask her mom to call me when she's ready to see you, and we'll work it out." Hit the ball back into her/their court via the girls, and make it less about you.

Interesting first question from a new user!

Something similar happened with my 9yo son. It got to the point that I couldn't make excuses either and finally just told him that the mom decided they could be friends at school, but didn't want to get together out of school. I didn't really have a *reason* to give him, just told him I honestly didn't know *why* but kept enforcing they were friends at school, had fun during lunch and recess, and that's the way it would have to be. It finally doesn't bother him anymore and he no longer asks but it did take some time to get to that point. AND we have to drive right past their house to get to ours! So I get it. Hope you find something that helps you guys. Good luck.

When I was nine years old my mother never got in the involved with my best friend stuff, who is still my best friend 26 years later. She lived down the street and as long as I told my mother where I was going, and an adult was home at her house, I just went over there to play or vice versa.

We had our little spats, sometimes for an hour, sometimes for a week, but we always worked it out among ourselves. I think the extra communication is a little too much.

Maybe because you've been in the habit of arranging with the Mom for years now, it's tough to break the habit. I think it's time to stop doing the arranging for them. If your DD asks to invite her friend over or out, hand her the phone. These other girls that her friend gets together with are likely doing the calling themselves, and working out logistics with parents afterwards. Maybe the Mom just wants to make sure her DD expands her social circle and feels like she gets a ton of time already with your DD. If you don't see a friendship rift between the girls, your DD seems happy with the relationship, I wouldn't make it a big deal. If the friend also starts to reject your DD's efforts to get together, maybe they are just growing apart. You can encourage your DD to call some different girls too.

weird for sure. but i'd try to let it go on your end, and just let the girls take charge of setting up their own playdates, with nothing more than confirmation needed from the other mom.
she might be having some sort of crisis.
and the girls are old enough to take care of this sort of thing for themselves now anyway.
khairete
S.