Tough Lessons in Social Skills - 9 Yo Girl

Wow, I could have written this post...We tried all the "lets all play together" solutions and they usually backfired with lots of fighting and jealousy (I would compare it to a husband saying, how about if I have another girlfriend over and we all just get along together?)
So..my dd had to tell one friend, how about if I play with Izzy at recess and I can play with you after school....
She always extended the invitation to the other girl at recess, but it never worked out.
It's not a great solution, but it was the best she could do. As they got older, one of the girls went to a different school and it worked itself out. They still keep in touch online.

I wouldn't bother trying to get the other 2 girls involved in a 4 way friendship via playdates. Just continue to facilitate your daughter and "Suzie" getting to spend time together outside of school. Just the two of them is fine.

I would be much less involved than you are.. the girls need to work it out.. you are not there at recess so you don't know exactly what is going on.. I asked to h ave my daughter separated from her BFF forever this year in 3rd grade.. they have been together for KInder, fist and second.. it was time for them to be separated.. ..

Your daughter can handle this if you will let her..

I have a similar situation with one of my girls who is also in third. They've worked it out pretty well though. What has been important is to have 1:1 playdates with the two old BFF's. I think a 4 way is going to be too weird. Let your daughter and her friend keep connected after school and weekends. This year is half way over anyway. And my daughter and her BFF are pretty good about talking about it with each other. So long as neither of them are being pulled away and are letting it happen, they can play separately at school and still maintain the friendship. So I would just facilitate 1:1 playdates and encourage your daughter to talk about it with her friend. Hopefully they will both make it clear to the other than they want to stay friends. And I have told my daughter many times it's impt to have more than one friend. She's a shy one and very loyal to her BFF but it's been great seeing her branch out some. She has another super close friend now too and somehow they've all navigated it ok. Some little bumps but when mine was feeling left out once, I suggested she tell her old friend and her friend responded well and stopped the behavior. Who knew they could be so mature. :) I know not all kids will be like that though. Her BFF is a sweet girl.

Sounds like you're doing everything you can and should do. This kind of thing will be a part of your daughter's life for many years to come, just be there for her, listen and encourage her to make positive choices.
My girls are 19 and (almost) 16 now and I don't miss the friend drama of the elementary/middle school years at all, it REALLY peaks in 6th/7th grade, so be prepared :-(
Also, make sure playdates happen in sets of two or four, never three. With girls it almost always ends up with one being left out, they just seem to naturally pair up. It's so frustrating, my son and his friends never did that!

My oldest is 9 in 3rd grade too. She doesn't have such permanent friends yet at all. Her best friend is the neighbor girl (6 months older, one grade ahead) because I socialize with the mom and she spends time at her house out of school. She's the one she invited to her birthday trip. But she's literally friends with "all the girls" in her class at school. I hear a rotating list of names, not any particular one or two. I'm impressed with how the low-key kids at her school seem to all blend around so far. Sounds the same for her friend in 4th grade from what I can tell. I'm not sure it's healthy to be SO bonded to particular friends so young to be honest. I didn't have a self-titled, intense "best friend" until middle school. Seems like way too much drama and possession on the parts of all these little girls and I simply wouldn't have it.

If I heard her say, "My new little diva class friend won't let me play with so and so" a swift, "No one can tell you who to play with, hunny. You play with who you want and be nice to everyone. Don't let your friend boss you around." is what I'd say. And variations thereof. I wouldn't get personally involved or bother trying to have all the divas over.

i'm not surprised that your daughter's feelings are getting hurt, since her mom is so wrapped up in 3rd grade friendships that HER feelings are getting hurt.
model strength for your daughter.
it's natural for her to be a little hurt, and to figure it out.
not so much for you.
khairete
S.

You know what I do? If your daughter is feeling a real loss here as you say, ask her what she needs. If she says "I need to see Suzie more" than arrange to have her over.

Sometimes I worry over my kids (easy to do) but I step back, and ditch my insecurities/fears/worries for my kids (and my own!), and then I ask "What do you want or need?". Then I ask "What do you want me to do?". And that's about all the help I give.

I used to rush in with lots of advice, suggestions, solutions - until my eldest said "Mom, I've got this". He was about your daughter's age.

They will go through this over and over with friends forever. So the earlier they learn to cope, deal, navigate these situations, and learn to SHARE (that's what this - sharing friends) - the better. And the more they learn that on their own, the better.

So - I agree, have Suzie over one on one - that's what makes sense (and what it sounds like your daughter needs right now, with her sense of loss).

If your daughter says "I'd like to have the three girls over" then by all means, let her ask them. But you and Suzie's mom organizing this to HELP and it's not something that the girls naturally come up with on their own .. erg. Not something I would pursue.

I think it's very possible for your daughter to have both friends in her life (and more!). I've had a best bud for decades, and we've gone through being super tight, to having other very close friends ... it's all about being respectful and secure. So that's what I would focus on with your daughter - if you need to advise her.

Good luck :)

I agree that you shouldn't get too involved. Continue to talk to your daughter. I also would not do a four way play date-just be sure she has time to see old friend after school/weekends. You can also make suggestions-one thing I did was buy my daughter invisible ink pens. She and bestie swapped notes in the hall to stay connected, and then had play dates/sleepovers. They are in 5th now and still connect outside school primarily.
I now have another one in 3rd and 3rd graders with cell phones are getting so prevalent it's causing middle school issues. Two of her friend had a sleep over and both sent texts to my phone, then slighted her when she responded. Ugh.
It's sounds as if you're handeling it well, just try and let her handle as much as possible but be there with an open ear for her.

I'd schedule an occasional 4-way play date or slumber party (if you do that), or schedule something every 2 weeks with just your daughter and Suzie. Then let it go.

It always helps to remind people, including kids, that anyone with a big heart can enjoy and like and love more than one person. Parents have more than one child, don't they?

But I don't think it's necessary for kids to have a BFF, or to maintain that BFF over the years. It puts a lot of pressure on kids and assumes that their interests, likes/dislikes, etc. never change over time. But the possessive kids shouldn't be encouraged, so if you can give your daughter the right language to address this territorial nonsense, and let her class friend know that it actually drives a bigger wedge, and express that your daughter is interested in people with a big heart and some kindness, it may set her up better for the future. This won't guarantee that her classroom friend will be more open, but it does set the stage for an internal alarm bell to go off with too much possessiveness and attempts to control who she talks to. The stronger your daughter is in this regard, the better off she will be as a teen and an adult, especially when some boyfriend tries to exert such control.

Otherwise I wouldn't micromanage it - you sometimes just have to let them outgrow it, get feelings hurt a little, and gravitate to those who are nicer and more bighearted.

3rd grade is the hardest grade of all.

I have friends that are long time teachers and they refuse to teach 3rd grade simply due to the drama of that developmental stage.

It can become serious so do keep the school counselor on hand if needed. They can call all the girls in and help them work on friendship skills.

Mom of teenager here. Been there.

If you do a play date for a group, as noted below -- always even numbers. All four girls, or just two, never three. And I'd add: Have some specific activities ready for them to do, especially the first time, rather than telling them all, "OK, now go and play" and leaving it all up to them. Plan a craft and be around to encourage that they do it. Or take them somewhere. Be ready to suggest things if they start to carp at each other. That's all IF you do a four-way play date....

Because frankly I wouldn't.

If they already are having issues playing together at school, tossing them together into a four-girl play date at home isn't necessarily going to go any better; the same "You're my new friend, don't pay attention to your old friend" dynamic will still exist, even though they're at a home and not on the playground. They might be less assertive and surprisingly subtle about the rivalries because moms are nearby, but the issues will still be there. It's asking a lot of kids this age to "get to know each other"; they won't want to be guided by the adults, and probably feel they already do know each other. You might find that the girls themselves will tell their moms they don't want this play date if they realize in advance that certain other girls will be there. And surprising them with "Look, Sally (your rival) is here too" as they walk in the door -- well, at this age, that kind of surprise might backfire. I think a four-way play date might be too much effort at trying to manage this for them, though the intention is good.

That's why I'd probably do separate play dates for your daughter with Suzie, so they can keep connected, and with New Friend at other times. You are already doing a great job with talking about how friends come and go, and I'm sure you're talking with your daughter about how she should not let anyone else tell her who is her friend -- it is NOT bullying, at this point, but can veer in that direction if the other girl is very possessive. I'd role-play with your daughter about how to say to New Friend, "We've played kickball and now I'm going over to see what Suzie is doing" and how to handle it if New Friend says "You can't!" and especially if New Friend gives her the cold shoulder the rest of the day.

One thing about play dates with New Friend -- If the girl goes to after school care, you can talk with her parents about picking her up from after school care to go home with you. People used to do that all the time at my daughter's elementary school for play dates. You and the mom both will need to find out what the after school care staff requires in these cases -- likely you'll have to have the other parent inform the staff, possibly in writing, and you might have to present an ID when you pick up the other girl. That's how it worked in our public school after-school care. It's not as big a deal as it sounds and the girl might like the break from after-school care.

You mention after-school activities and that's great, but be sure to have your daughter in something that isn't school-related too. If she is at after-school activities and these same girls, even Best Friend and New Friend, are in them, the issues are still hanging in the air. It's good for kids to have something of their own that is not with the school crowd -- Girl Scouts (shoot for a troop that isn't based at the school if you can; not all are and no one is required to attend a troop that meets at her own school), or dance or a sport etc. where it's not a gang from the same school. Look for things where the kids participating are from a variety of schools, too, so it's not all a gang from another school and then your daughter solo.

It sounds like you're doing about everything you can. The only other thing is to mirror her emotions when you know she's sad about this. "I know it's sad when..." And then give her a hug. But keep it brief. Shifts in friendships are part of life.