Feeling like a Free Babysitter for Daughter's Friend

I'm not sure how old your daughter and her friend are so I don't know how much supervision they need. It is a tough situation. You don't trust the other parent to watch the kids and while you reasons may be good it means the kids have to play at your house or under your supervision 100% of the time they play. Having the kids always at your place is the trade off for being sure they are in a safe, well supervised setting. So set the limits you need for your family as to how often you allow this child over. But keep in mind you are helping the child as much as the other parent because they are learning from being with your family. My kids are young so this isn't an issue yet. But many times when I was growing up I had friends with a less stable home life that were at out house quite often. My best friend probably had dinner with my family 3 times a week for half of high school (her father was a clueless and somewhat neglectful single parent and her mom was dead).

I've been where you are....my son decided to go to this camp and there he met a family who were neglected. There were 5 kids and the father had died young..........Mom was trying to make ends meet, but not doing a good job at all with money or the kids.........the one son, got a job, she took all his money except for gas, I don't think he would have eaten much without us.......another son, well, he was just a thief.........my son was insistent on helping these kids.......they were around 10 at the time....the thief was younger........

To make a long story short, I talked to them all, tried to help, tried to defend them and make them see their Moms points, even when she was wrong and I told them she was wrong.............One son is no longer really friends with my son..........he has changed a lot and rebelled much......he's 30.....the other son, (the thief) he and my son are still friends, and he demanded I come to his wedding!!! He said if it hadn't been for me jumping on him, telling him he was wrong, making him be at least thoughtful, he would never have been as happy as he is today............I was honestly shocked, surprised and happy all at once........my son was in his wedding.....and we had a great time...he has 2 kids now and he's doing ok.....

So, I can say all the things that everyone else has, and they are right, but I can also tell you, that if this child needs someone, someone to help them be a better person, then, you might be the one to help.........these boys became part of the family, literally...........not my choice at the time, but my son was right...........

So, talk to your daughter, get her take on things, find out what she wants and what she thinks...........and don't look at yourself as a babysitter, but a mentor..........this child obviously needs one..........

Take care and I wish you luck in your decision here.........you have to do what you think is right for you and your family..............this girl in NOT your problem, but it is your decision.

Hang in there.

Your impulse to be there for the little girl is admirable. Would it work for you to invite her over on a specific schedule, like Tuesday afternoons until 5? Maybe even two days a week would work for you – you have the right to say how much is enough. You don't want to end up resenting this poor kid – that would be bad for both of you, and probably your daughter, too.

The friend would have something to look forward to each week. You could make it clear she shouldn't come over at other times, and you'd have the chance to show her that alternate forms of family life exist. So many children from dysfunctional families never realize they can raise their own children differently.

Dear L.,

My feeling is that you don't HAVE to open your house to this little girl -- there's no official etiquette requiring it -- but if you can make it work, it might be a kind and wonderful thing to do. IF you can make it work, you may wind up feeling very good about yourself, with very good reason, for the rest of your life. This little girl may grow up to say, "My home life was really unstable, and it was hard, but I had this friend whose mom was wonderful, and I think that's what really got me through...."

To make it workable, you might want to try teaching your daughter's friend some ground rules: A) If you want to come over, you need to call and make plans at least three days in advance; B) You two have to play nicely and responsibly together, since I have to watch the baby and I can't watch you all the time; C) When school starts, you can only come over on X days, because the rest of the time is reserved for homework -- something like that. It sounds like this little girl just isn't getting any education on basic etiquette, and at nine, she's too young to figure it for herself, but she might be at a good age to learn it from you.

Of course, if this doesn't work for you, it doesn't work. And you're not obligated. But if your daughter plays well with this girl, it might be painless enough. And how many times in life does an opportunity to really make a positive difference just fall in your lap like that?

Best wishes,

Mira

I feel like you are caught between doing a good deed for the little girl, and living your own life. I have found myself in this sort of a situation many times. You try to do something nice, and then eventually you get taken advantage of, and begin to resent the person you were trying to help. By that time, it's too late to make a clean break, and you end up doing more harm than good. What I've learned, is that as hard as it is to accept, you just can't save people. Unless you are going to adopt this little girl, there's not much you can do for her without getting railroaded by her ignorant mother.

Maybe you just need a break. I understand that you do not want your daughter at her friends house. I would not want mine there either. This means that the friend will be spending more time at your house, but the mother should really practice some consideration and not allow her to call you everyday.

I hate to say this, but maybe you just need to lie to the mom and tell her that for whatever reason you have a new schedule that only allows you one or two days a week (or however often you want) to have friends over. If you can't reason with her (and I think I know the type you're talking about), it's not worth being on the other end of getting yelled and cursed at when she finds grounds for being offended. Good Luck!

For the past 7 years I have had my daughter's friend from school over my house simply because I have (on more than one occasion) smelled alcohol on the mom's breathe and even at times she was rambling and once fell asleep while we went on playdates. My daughter has always asked , "How come I never get invited over Daniela's house?" Honestly, I don't want her there because of this and the girl's mom never invites anyone over to play with her daughter because she feels like it is babysitting. It wasn't until this past week at a block party, that my child realized that the woman's behavior was brought on by her drink shots. My child went in the house to use the bathroom and saw the mom "kicking a few back". She noticed the bottle said Blackberry Brandy and remembered seeing something on television about a drunk driver and brandy. She now knows why she can't go over and I have no problem with this girl (well behaved/well mannered). At first, I had the feeling you have (unfair/being used/etc.), but it makes my child happy to play with her friend and for a few hours every month the girl doesn't have to see her mom drunk. FYI--Husband is aware and he says he "monitors" her drinking---o-k-a-y????