Inviting Themselves Over?

This is how kids have been playing forever. Kids walked out their door, knocked on a friends door and asked is they could play together. It was either yes or no. Why is it so complicated now. I never considered kids company. They just came in, play and made themselves comfortable. All of my children's friends were like my own. My house was their house. I would never have thought them being rude if they asked to come over. If I needed to do something or go somewhere I just said so and sent them on their way..

Is that not cool? When I was a kid we all just showed up at each others' houses to see if people could play. The whole arranged playdate thing is still really new to me.

It seems like you are more upset about "looking like the bad guy" than anything else. They are kids. They ask if they want something. The kid asked, you said no, it's over. Not a big deal. It sounds like you have him over sometimes, just not this time. It's OK. No one is intending to be rude or a "bad guy."

i'm a little taken aback that this bothers you this much.
he didn't just show up on your doorstep (although kids did that all the time too when my kids were little.)
they're KIDS. they want to play together. they ask the parents if that will work. parents have the option of saying 'not today'.
why on earth get so offended?
khairete
S.

He did not invite himself over. Sounds like your son invited him over. He checked with his mom who said it was OK. He called to tell your son and you answered the phone. All you had to say was that today was not a good day. End of story.

The kids in my life all do similar things. One child calls and says his mom says he can come over. The purpose of the call is to see if it's alright with me. I can either say, yes, that's OK or say no, not today. I don't see it as the child inviting himself over. I see it as the child learning how to negotiate socially. And I definitely do not see you as the bad guy.

If he were inviting himself over he would've rang your doorbell. Even then, no reason to get upset. Just say, not today. That does not make you the bad guy. It makes you the mom whose responsibility it is to make decisions about what is best for you.

Geez! When I was a kid and when my daughter was a kid playing together did not take such formal arrangements. Either my daughter could play or she couldn't. Either her friend could play or she couldn't. It's up to Mom to either say yes or no. No big deal however it happens, with a phone call or a knock on the door.

I suggest you're nit picking. You're making assumptions about the motive and how it fits in with your idea of what's good manners. Not everyone believes the same way you do. This is the way it is with children. You can find a way to manage this or you can make yourself miserable. You can insist that friends only come over when you personally invite them)or you can make adjustments based on what is happening at the time.Your choice.

I call friends and say I have some free time and would like to come visit. They do the same with me. I've not heard that this is impolite. The friend can say no or suggest we meet somewhere. It's all a matter of making arrangements to get together. Do you wait until you're invited to visit friends and family? This boy is a friend of your son. This is a part of their learning how to be friends.

If you don't want your son's friends to ask if they can come over to play then you need to teach your son how to stop this from happening. Is he old enough and his friends old enough to understand when he tells them to not call him to ask to play at his house?

I suggest that you can tell both children that you have to talk with the parent before any plans are made. This worked with my daughter and now my grandchildren. The child still calls and asks if he can come over to play and if I'm willing I ask to speak to the mom or dad. I suggest that it's reasonable to ask. It's reasonable for you to say no. The more I write the more I don't understand why a child calling to ask to come over is an issue for you. And even more, I don't understand why you feel like the bad buy when you made the logical decision to say no. You are in charge.

What do you want to happen and how can you broker that change? You cannot change other people so what can you do to feel better.

Later: Take a look at the big picture. Arranging to get together is often difficult for adults. Do you expect your young children to know how to navigate this without having time and experience in doing so? Perhaps it would be more helpful to think if there is a way to teach what you believe is good manners while accepting that others may not have the same expectations that you do. Feels like a complicated issue that will take time to work out.

In the meantime, know that you have an obligation to say no when what is asked will not work for you. And.......there is no reason for you to feel like the bad guy for saying no. You are the adult. You did the right and reasonable thing in this situation.

I love that my kids friends feel comfortable enough to invite themselves over to our house. I never mind if they ask but if it is not a good time or day I just say so.

I honestly prefer that the kids play at my house.

This is how we did "playdates" in the old days. You went to the door and asked if you could come in and play. If the answer was no you asked if your friend could come out and play. The kids around here still do it this way. Lots of kids ask if they can come over to play. Usually I say yes, but I can say no if I wish. It is not rude, it is just how kids do things.

How else is a child supposed to know if they can come visit.....if they don't call and ask?

Now had said child just showed up at your door, with mom driving away, that would be rude and inviting oneself over.

nothing wrong with the kids calling & asking to play. Some homes are more fun than others. Be thankful this child thinks your home is The One!

You know, there are so many parents who just work so hard to protect themselves from socializing. I get that parents work. I get that life can be crazy. BUT, both of my parents worked. My sis & I had extra-curricular activities. & we owned a lake home where we spent 3/4 of our weekends from March-Nov. I mean, seriously, we led a full life.

& we had extra kids, my parents' friends, family, & neighbors in/out of our homes (city & lake) all the time. It was normal, it was natural, & it was not chaotic....simply because we all did this. We all shared in each other's lives & it was Happy!

I mourn the loss of this in today's world. So sad, & truly a part of how our society continues to degenerate despite what some people think. It's not just marriages collapsing...it's the all-important sense of community which is disappearing & affecting our life choices. To close down on a kid wanting to play....is....a part of this process. :) Sermon over.

Kids do that stuff all the time, it's not a big deal...

I usually tell my daughter that if she asks them to play, she invites them over, but frequently they end up at the other house and vice versa. Kids don't always follow social etiquette and I'm sure most of us didn't either at that age.

With the weather nice, can't they go to the park or play out in the yard?

idk we usually get a knock on the door and the kids want to play in our yard. as a kid we just ran to eachothers houses (different times/much safer then). i would not find it odd or rude for someone to call and invite themselves over. its really the norm around here not only with kids but adults do this as well. " If yall are going to be around the house this evening could we stop by for a visit"? Its something several of our adult friends do.

Eh, one of my son's friends texted today and asked to come over. Eh, they are 16/17 and the boy has been coming over to our house for about 6 years. Since we were out and about, I told him no, but said he could come over tomorrow when I get home from work.

So, to me, this is pretty normal for the kids to ask to come over. If I don't want extra kids around, I just say no.

They have all been inviting themselves to each others homes for years now.

It's a bit weird, but the old fashioned thing to do was show up and knock on neighbor's doors and get turned away or granted permission to play with friend :) Playdates are kind of new imo. But inviting oneself over is never OK though, so ..no. Dont' feel like the bad guy. Even in the old-school unplanned play days, you didn't knock on the door and invite yourself over-you asked for your friend to come out....well some people invited themselves over, but it was rude then too.

My daughter and her friends, while in school, make all sorts of plans. Depending on which child she wants a playdate with, I may say yes or 'no we're busy today'. My husband and I try not to get in the habit of saying 'no' all the time, but there are days, just like yours today, when I just want to be home and no outside guests. I also drive a hard line, when I say, 'no'.

I have taught my children not to call and invite themselves to a friend's house that is too far away to walk to, in other words, it would involve parents providing transportation. But a rule like that is flexible, too, so it would only take me having a bad day to get mad about it. It's not the same with the neighborhood kids. They can come and go as long as I can tolerate it lol :) I definitely have days (it used to be weeks...) when I don't want company. I try to make those days few and far between for my kids' sake, now. Although I don't think you should let the kids ever make you feel guilty for not wanting company, they are now going to be bored, so be proactive and find something fun to do with them. If you need time ALONE, help them find something to do while you rest. I sympathize with you, but I think you are overreacting. And yes, I think it's a regional thing to be so adamant about it, so there's that.

It would be nice if the parent had called first, but I will bet the child told his mom that it was okay for him to come over.

Children do not understand the concept of "rude" when asking to play with your child. I will say that it's nice that someone wants to play with your kids, rather than your kids having no one be interested in playing with them...

Try to pick certain times and days that your kids can have company. That way you get to know their friends and you can watch them yourself, knowing that they are safe and being supervised.

Do other children invite your kids over? If they don't, they are probably starved for friends. You need to bend a little to make sure they get SOME time with friends either at their house or yours.

I know you're miffed and want your space, but sometimes it helps to remember that part of helping your child learn to be sociable is to guide them in learning how to have friends.

First of all, I'm also a J. C and I was born & raised in Anchorage. Hello! Oh, how I miss the Land of the Midnight Sun.

I would have done the same thing you did. The neighbor kids often invite themselves over and frankly, sometimes I simply say no because my kids didn't invite them. They'll tell me that it is OK with their parents, but I don't really care what their parents say is OK. Just let it roll off your back. It's your home, your right to say who you do and do not want in it.

My kids will often say that they'd like to go and play at "Timmy's" house. They want to call and ask Timmy if they can come over and play. I've sat my kids down and explained that it is rude to invite yourself over, but instead, they could invite Timmy to play at our house. Usually, the kids work it out where they're taking turns at each other's homes. Sometimes, when they call, Timmy will say that he doesn't want to come over, but it's OK for my boys to play at his house.

Frankly, I don't see anything wrong with being old fashioned. Just my two cents.

Since you had already said no once, it may be a little off.

As kids we went to each others house and stayed for hours, sometimes even had dinner. When that mom said it was time to go home, we left and moved it to another house or to our house.

One friend had 5 siblings and I can name all the kids that hung out at their house. In fact, one of those kids is now my brother-in-laws sister. The dad had a passenger van and he took us all to school every morning.

It doesn't make you the bad guy but keep in mind, kids need a safe place to play. Set some boundaries and give them a specific area to play in.

I like the old way too. I only have two friends now who will drop in without notice and feel so nostalgic about that. I wish more would go back to that easy way of living.

We've had a few kids do this (something I have always taught my kids NOT to do.) Try not to read too much into it, some kids are persistent, and the parents may or may not know what they're up to.
If you don't want kids over just say, no, not today, end of story!
You're the adult, it's your house and your call.

Haven't read the other responses, but is it possible that your kids put their friend up to the call? Hmmm ... And no, I don't think it's rude for a little kid to call and see if he can play with your children. He went straight to the decision-maker -- you!

It be the child at fault. He may really want to play and asked his parents without letting his mom know you already said no. Some kids are really pushy.

I'd say that they didn't ask first and that you have plans so sorry. Next time make sure the adults visit about it so that it can work out.

No, you are not old fashioned, and hopefully it isn't normal to do this now. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people neglect to teach any manners to their kids (or maybe they were never taught themselves and so don't KNOW to teach them to their kids).
I would be feeling EXACTLY like you. And feeling guilty for my perfectly legitimate perspective.
Sorry you have to deal with it.
:(

It's normal here. Well, the neighbors knocking and wanting to play..not really phone calls. I don't mind it and love that they want to play at our house. If it doesn't fit our schedule I just say no and let them know when we'll be available. OR I tell them they can play outside or at the other house. Sometimes I'm working and can't take the extra noise. I've always wanted my kids and their friends to play at our house for the most part, because I enjoy watching them all interact. Actual planned play dates do take up a lot of parent time though, so I hear ya. When the kids drop in, I never feel like I have to "entertain". If it's a planned play date everything is just so.