Father Is Disrespectful to Mother - Is That Any Reason to Stop Visitation?

Hello T.,

I sympathize with you. I have an ex husband that I have to deal with, more on a regular basis, though, and I can say that if I did not have a child with this man, I would have said ADIOS and never looked back! But for our son's sake, I often bite my tongue and bear it. My ex and I have decided to show our son that even though we couldn't make it together, we still respect eachother, and we try very hard to be stable for him, as hard as that is sometimes. I always say that I have to "fake it till I can make it!" and it is so worth it in the long run. As far as telling your child's father that he cannot see his child, I don't think that you should do that, as it is important to your daughter, and her well-being that she be allowed to see him.

However, this is not the case if he is in any way causing her harm. You do seem to have your child's best interests at heart, so I'm sure that is not the case. You do have a right to tell him that he needs to show respect toward you while in the presence of his daughter, because not only is it hurting you, it is devastating her. You see, she will not understand why Dad feels this way about Mom, because she loves you, and has none of those ill feelings toward you that her father does. And in the long term, your daughter will only turn against her father, because she loves you, and will begin to feel like she has to protect you and defend you, a burden that no kid should ever have to bear.

If I were you, I would sit down with your ex and have a heart-to-heart, as two mature adults with the awesome responsibility of raising a child together would do. Let him know exactly what you expect from him, and be completely up front with him about the way you feel about him, that you do not have plans of being with him. Raising a child up is more than making sure they have clothing and food and housing. It's about preparing them for the world, and showing them the proper way to interact with people of all relations to you. Show your daughter how to have a loving relationship with a man, and when she gets old enough to marry, she will know who to kick to the curb, and who to keep around! I wish the best for you and your daughter.

K.

Our babies are everything and our exes are nothing...but they still manage to cause us so much pain and chaos at times.

My question is, do you have a parenting plan? The courts are tough...and legally it would be hard to actually cut all ties.

Here's where I would stand...she is so young right now...and as much as she knows and loves her daddy, you could easily avoid and deflect talking about him with her...the question is really, is he willing to be cut out. It's simple.

Let him know that you love him as your daughters dad, but that's as far as it goes...tell him all calls and emails need to be about her, not you....otherwise, you have nothing to talk about. You wish him well in his life, in his endeavores, but you wish to keep your personal life personal and that doesn't include him.

If he leaves you alone...disappears from your daughters life that's really on him...and truly...you don't have the right to cut him out of your daughters life simply because he is irritating yours. If only it were that easy... :o)

Hang in there...over time it really does get better.

I had a situation similar, I made him take a parenting class before he could continue his visitation and make sure that you have a court ordered parenting plan, it is VERY important. I almost lost my son because I did not have one. Out of spite my EX threatned to take him away, because I moved in with the boyfriend that I had for years. Men try crazy things. Just make sure you are protected.
you cant control what he says to your daughter, but you can educate him on the consequences and how unhealthy it is for his child. Fathers do have rights too, some times that is unfortunate.

Document, document, document!!! Keep records (by saving to a file on your computer AND printing) every email correspondence he sends to you and keep detailed notes about each phone and face to face conversation you have. Make sure to include dates and times. Also keep records of when he is scheduled to spend time with your child and the outcome of those visits ie., wether he showed up or not and if not, why he didn't show up. If you keep good documentation, it will go a LONG way to helping your case should you ever have the need to take this matter to the courts (if you haven't already). Just verbally telling the judge that this type of stuff is going on, isn't going to hold much weight but if you have it all documented, it will be much more valuable. In the mean time, all you can do is just keep reiterating to him that you have moved on and want nothing but a friendship type relationship with him. I agree that keeping his relationship with your daughter is very important. And if you have a court ordered custody situation, you can't just go making changes on your own anyway without getting yourself in to trouble. I can't imagine this is easy to deal with but just know you aren't alone in dealing with this type of problems. Good luck to you!!!! :)

you need legal advice in the matter and I hope you have a parenting plan. He sounds scary to me. However you cannot just cut him off from his daughter because that can come back to haunt you later. If you can relocate that may be the easiest way of dealing with it.he still can visit but it will not be a regular thing.

Your daughter's father sounds very immature, so I don't know how much luck you would have trying to talk to him about it.
You may have to treat him as a child and say that if he doesn't stop the badgering, that you will have to put a harassment charge on him. It won't look good on paper for a visiting parent and he could lose his privleges.

T.,

Believe me I have been there and done that I had four children and it has been very hard. In time this will stop if you continue to keep your fences up. Unfortunately you have no recourse over what he says to your daughter unless it is harming her. Comments in court don't really old much water when you have much more serious issues presented to the bench. Keeping her from her father will only look bad on you and you need to stay on the right side of this situation. I can tell you this keep reiterating in a positive way to her that you both love her. Be as honest as you can about the situation being that she is 3 and keep loving her. Beat him at is own game ignore him. Keep re-directing him back to his relationship with your daughter. Hey you are a pro at raising a 3-year-old girl how hard can it be to raise a 3-year-old boy. Start talking to him like you would your daughter and stick to it. Put it in your head that he is 3 and stick to it. Reprimand him like a child when his misbehaves. (Promise, he will get sick of that real quick) Good Luck.

You want to be really careful on how you proceed. If you deny him access to his daughter (and assuming there is no order of visitation), he can march down to the court house and portray you as the wicked witch of the west in denying him access. (And I guarantee that the story HE tells the judge will BE very different from your version.)

Is there a court order in place regarding visitation and child support? If so, you need one. The parenting plan should spell out exactly how you can behave toward one another. (Anytime I've drafted a parenting plan I make certain to include statements that the parents are required to support each other's relationship with the child; the parents are prohibited from speaking in a negative or derogatory manner about the other parent, etc.)

If he doesn't agree with what you propose in the parenting plan, you can request the appointment of a guardian ad litem to investigate the situation and make recommendations concerning visitation.

If you DO decide to deny him visitation, you MUST explain this to him IN WRITING. Don't do it verbally. You need a record that can be presented to a judge if he decides to sue you for custody or visitation.