Experience with time-In?

Hi Ephie,

I've been working with kids for 16 + years as a preschool teacher, Certified Professional Nanny and now I'm a parent coach working with parents. When I first started, I used time outs as I was taught. With in a few years, I realized time outs didn't work. I was always giving time outs for the same things. I would spend 20 minutes trying to get a child into a 2 minute time out. And the time outs ruined our day.

While I was a Nanny I completely re did my time out method, which is similar to the time in. My goals were to teach lessons, have the children realize how to control their feelings and increase open communication.

I encourage parents to cuddle their children when they need cuddles, but to walk away and allow the child to calm on their own when the situation is appropriate. I also encourage parents to model the behavior when they feel out of control by walking away and taking a moment to regain control.

I have been using this system for more than 10 years. The kids who I started this program are now in their teens, and I think they have greatly benefited from it. When they were toddlers, the could tell me they needed a few minutes alone when they felt over whelmed and today, they come to me to talk things out when they feel unsure what to do.

Talking things out is a huge part of my program. Kids never got in trouble for being emotionally out of control, but they were expected to talk out the issues and design better solutions.

I encourage you to try the program. I believe you cannot give your child too much love, and this is a great way to express that love.

R. Magby

Time OUTs happen on RARE occasions in our house, when everyone (ie Mom included) is too upset to deal with the situation at the moment. Time INs happen all the time, daily, hourly even. I think a time in can be used during happy times too, just to pause for a minute and give good hugs. When my children argue over a toy, I sit between them, put an arm around each of them and talk them through the situation. Give them the exact words to say to each other, point out how each of them is feeling and showing the other the facial expression that tells me this ("T, tell L that you are mad. Tell her you are mad because she pulled your toy away while you were using it. L, T is really angry that you pulled his toy away, look at his face, his eyes look mad. Lets help him feel better. L, you are really excited about using that toy, lets ask T if you can have a turn when he is done.") If my kids talk back or are being rude I point that out to them and talk about how it makes me feel, and remind them of the tone of voice I like to use with them (respectful and kind). My kids 2 and 5yrs old play together beautifully, and share (even my 2 yr old) like champs. My son sings songs to his little sister when she is feeling sad, and comes to me when she is scared so I can help her feel better. Addressing emotions, and the behaviors they produce, works wonders in our house. While my kids are mostly happy, cheerful, and cooperative, they aren't punished when they are feeling angry, sad, or frustrated - we all have feelings and they should be accepted as part of how wonderful and unique we each are!

Hi Ephie,

I think this is a timely question, especially as I just about lost my mind trying to make dinner for us earlier.I like Time-In and I also find that, much like any one technique of discipline, it's effective to have it in the parenting toolbox.

I think that there's a damaging misconception that Time-In is a nonstop empathetic festival of permissive parenting; that there's a lot of talking and negotiating. In fact, I find it to be an aspect of smart, more effective guidance technique, because we have to be detectives to best address children's acting out. Our children's less desirable behaviors don't usually exist in a vacuum, and I find it useful to ask questions before deciding what sort of discipline I want to use. Because, if we think about it, we generally see patterns in our child's behaviors--some acting out may be related to tiredness, or to vying for attention, or hunger--and sometimes, just plain contraryness, which even the most wonderful and magical parents of parents are going to have to deal with.

Time-In centers us in the idea that children often have needs they don't understand how to express verbally, easily. It's also implied that if needs aren't being met, we try to meet them in a calm, non-punitive way. Feeding a hungry child, who really blew it and hurt another child, gives him room and space to get his head clear (and stomach full) before returning to make amends particular to the situation. A child making a mess can help clean it up when they are in a better mood to cooperate, and can learn why their actions weren't helpful.

It's also true that I find that different degrees of "taking a break" are involved. Certainly, feeding a child or finding them a place to be alone and look at a book can help. And then, sometimes it won't. Sometimes, taking a break is really of no use because "Kiddo" is flexing their personality and just going to be disagreeable. I think it's important to know ourselves as parents and where our limits are. Parenting is not one long altruism parade; we all have our limits of what it feels good for us to be flexible on, and sometimes our sending our kid to their room is less about our being inflexible, and more about being at one's breaking point. I love a lot of positive discipine books, but do take umbrage with the notion that being sent to one's room (not full-on grounding, by the way) is the worst thing in the world for a child when you've reached this situation.

I also help the children I work with to find a quiet pace to sit until they are ready to come back and remedy a situation they aren't cooperating on. Sometimes it's something as simple as "I need you to sit in this chair until you are ready to keep your hands to yourself." Some kids get the message and pop right up, while others will sit alone for quite a while. This is also another opportunity to take the breaks they didn't know they needed. The big diffence with between this and Time Out is that the child is free to come back when they can cooperate, and that the behavior isn't addressed to the child until they are ready to come back.

These are the techniques that work for me. I also highly recommend "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. If you haven't read it, this book has great tools for doing the detective work involved in finding out why our children are doing what they're doing. It's definitely a great foundation book for me. Great question!

time outs are a tried and true method in our house. Our kids know right where to go. We follow the Super Nanny ideals with it. They get put in time out, explained why they are there and instructed to stay put until the timer goes off. Then when it goes off we ask them why they are there and talk about it, hugs, kisses, I love yous...then if it was because of being mean to someone else, they must go apologize to that person.
I have a friend who constantly says, "but she just won't stay in time out"...she ends up putting her daughter in her room...I just shake my head. My friend just doesn't work through it to make her child sit there...to each their own, but time-outs only don't work when the parents fail them.
Keep at it, stay strong, and enforce the routine. They will get it...everyone will be better off for it.

P.S. don't be afraid to fudge a little on the time here and there, but never tell them that. I sometimes but my daughter (5) in time out for 4 minutes instead, because of what we are doing at the time, but I always tell her that its 5 minutes...it also helps her to realize that if you stay calm its over before you know it. :)

With son #1, we held him for his time outs because sitting still wasn't in his repertoire (sp?). With son #2, we sometimes have to put him down because he gets so intense, but we often hold him when he gets out of hand. We never knew it was called a "time in" until we adopted him. It's recommended with adopted children by attachment specialists.

I am having fantasies that son #3 won't need any discipline (he's only 7 months old:), but even if he CAN sit for a time out, we'll probably still hold him when we can.

Of course, it's not the same as cuddling, and I sometimes get kicked, but I do think it's better for children who are having difficulty with self-control or emotions. Our 6 and 2 year old are, overall, well-behaved, happy, self-confident, and loving.

I have learned a lot from Adoptive Families magazine. They are on-line. You may want to Google it and then search "discipline" once you find it. Lots of the advice has been helpful with our oldest (bio) son as well, so you don't have to have an adopted child for it to help you! It's a wonderful resource when your child isn't responding to the methods that supposedly work for everybody. : )

Good luck!

I don't know what this is.... can you explain?

Not sure what the time-in method is, but we use the time-out method. Is it different? Anyway, time outs are when we send my son to his room (he's three and a half) or to sit on a chair in the corner and think about what he's done for a bit. It really works for us as he gets so emotional and this helps him take a few deep breaths, think about what he's done and why and then when he's ready to behave nicely he always comes back and does so.