Excessive Worry in a 4 Year Old

Hi K.! One of our sons (6) experienced excessive anxiety and worries after his papa passed away last April. He worried about everything that it became paralyzing to him. He did not want to go to school, he did not want to play with friends or his brothers, he would cry about everything and clutch on to me or his dad if we had to separate...he did not want to leave my side. I even found him curled up in his bed sound to sleep in the afternoon a couple times. This is the way his day went from the time he woke up until he'd finally cry himself to sleep at night. He was clearly depressed. It was agonizing for me to watch our little boy withdraw the way he did as he was always so happy. This went on for two months with me trying everything. Honestly, I know this will sound crazy, but I didn't put together that this was triggered by my father's passing because, for a couple months after, Brian seemed okay. We talked a lot about Papa and he seemed to mourn his loss as you would expect a normal 6 yr. old to do. Each of our boys processed the loss differently. For Brian, the significance of his papa being gone seemed to hit him slower.

It is good that your son is trying to talk to you in his own little way about his worries. They are very real to him. And you're a great mom for listening to him and trying to ease the burdens in his heart.

I will say that we were getting ready to get help from a doctor when I found a book that came highly recommended called "What to Do When You Worry Too Much" - A kid's guide to overcoming anxiety by Dawn Huebner, Ph.D. It helped our Brian tremendously. I thought, before I put him through a big ordeal of being seen by a therapist, etc., let's just try a more subtle approach...what do I have to lose. It was amazing how the methods in this book brought our little guy back. This book addresses all kinds of worries for kids (not just death.)...and it's a very easy-to-start, easy-to-comprehend method...very cute too!

You can check it out on Amazon and read the reviews...there are other books too, but I can only speak on this one.

Good luck and God bless.

ok i think you might be giving him to much information about that topic he is only 4 and you are feeding his worries with more and more information he can't handle as yet try to get him interested in something else

I'm interested on your question, but I see you don't have that many answers. My daughter is now 7, but she's been for a while now like that, but not with death, it's with a fire, worst after a fire drill at school, and with thunderstorms, even in a pretty day, or flood, despite nothing indicates a possibility of that. It drives me crazy because you can reason, but they don't understand it. I can believe how they can stress over such things. My daughter cries too, specially at night, and I'm getting tired of it. We'll see if you have any ansewrs. I wish you good luck, and I totally understand you. If your pediatrician says something interesting, please, let me know. I wish our little ones get better and enjoy being kids.

Hi K.,

I don't think you are giving him too much information at all. As a young child I was traveling with my family, coming from my grandparents, when we were involved in a tornado. That event terrified me and colored the next six months of my life. My parents thought it was a phase, but my anxiety about death got to the point that I couldn't stand to leave anything -- a book, a movie, etc. -- unfinished because I might die before I got back to it.

I honestly think that if my parents had talked to me instead of being uncomfortable in dealing with the possibilities of death, I would not have been so anxiety riddled. Now, as an adult, I don't have these sorts of problems -- most days. I do tend to get stressed easily, but, hey -- I have a preschooler!

My advice for you would be to be understanding. Don't tell him to snap out of it or act like he's being unreasonable. Support him but make sure he does not let this get in the way of being a little boy -- make sure he can still enjoy activities and play. If it doesn't go away on its own, I suggest talking to a doctor about anxiety in children.

Good luck!

My son is 6 and he constantly want to know about tornados, hurricanes even if a volcano is going to get us, this started probably around 4. It used to really upset me, he would hear or see something just on the news or from adults talking and really get upset. I am not sure of your religious affiliation if any, but if you do have an affiliation, check with the children's staff. My son is in 1st grade and one of his classmates's dad died very unexpectedly (he was 37) and the teacher told the class! I freaked out, not sure how my son would handle this. I talked to the children's minister at my church and checked out a few books from the church library. There are many books that teach about "How to talk to your child about Death" What I found most important was: do not sugar coat it, do not say "went to sleep, went away" etc. Use the real words: died, went to heaven (what ever your belief is use that" ie: is with Jesus now, etc. The other is that kids really do not comprehend the finality of death until around 8. So, your son will not understand that. I would let him talk to you, find out what his fears are. My son handled his friend's dad's death so much better than I could have imagined. He was sad for him and empathetic, but did not freak that his dad was going to die, as I had presumed. It is hard, I struggle with telling too much or not enough and tend to err on the too much side as I grew up with ostrich's with their heads in the sand for parents. I would just make sure he feels comfortable coming to you, so he does not feel the need to hide his feelings or bottle his emotions. Make sure you tell him it is okay to feel that then reassure him that he is not going to die, mommy is not going to die, etc. If you negate his feelings, he will start to hide them. My oldest is my worrier, my 3 year old is happy go lucky. I think sometimes our older kids are more serious and think about deep things, while the others just flitter around. You are doing the right thing, as you are taking it seriously. He might be like my son and it will pass in time, he does not ask about volcanos and tornados quite as much (he has learned we don't live near a volcano, that hurricanes have a season, etc) If you have any other ??, just let me know. All the best to you. C. in Alpharetta

My son was afraid that he was going to die. We had a hard time of getting him to sleep everynight. We had to get our pastor to talk with him. He was okay after talking with our pastor.
P. S