Ex Is Dating Someone Who Could (Almost) Be His Daughter

K.:
You may not like my response, so read on only if you want an honest opinion.

Although your ex should be respectful to you for the sake of your son, it is not your decision who can and cannot be around him when he is with his father. Who your ex chooses to date is not your concern. However, if he puts your child in danger or around a potentially harmful situation or a dangerous person, you can request suspension of parental visits; but to just decide of your own accord that this person your ex decides to be with is not suitable to be around your son is ridiculous. You aren't helping the situation by trying to control the situation.
I am both an ex-wife and married to a man who has ex-wives, and I've been in this other woman's shoes, except I am not 16 years younger than my now-husband. Having been on the other side of this equation ( his ex-wife trying to control with whom her ex can have a relationship and who he can bring around her kids)I find it disturbing that you are assuming he should follow some rule you've decided should be set about dating. It is in the best interest of everyone if you just remind your ex to think of the well being of your son and to always keep your son's safety in mind and not demand that who he dates meets your approval.
If you were to put your feelings aside and make an effort to become friends with the other woman, she'd be much more apt to take excellent care of your son. You have the opportunity to set an example of how an adult woman should act for your son and your ex's new girlfriend.
If you respect yourself, and your son, don't act like the typical ex-wife - and, before anyone gets their tailfeathers ruffled, not all ex-wives are "typical!"
Either way, I wish you luck.

Troublesome, yes, but you can't do anything about it. That's the trouble with divorce or never marrying; you can't control what your child is exposed to in someone else's house, yet you can't keep them away, either. The best thing to do is not get your child involved by not acting angry when he is around, not grilling him about what he does at his dad's, not trying to make him dislike her, etc. It's hard enough on him already to be the child of divorced parents. Let it ride.

K.,

I'm in an almost identical situation. I have a 4 year old daughter & my ex (30) is dating a girl... she'll be 20 in a few weeks. I don't know what to say to make it easier... not sure that there is anything. There's also no getting thru to him either though, so you're probably wasting your energy still trying to change him since he's truely not yours anymore. All I know for now is that my daughter "loves Rachel Mommy" ...yes, it hurts, but she's happy and that's what i keep telling myself.

I have a different perspective on this than you might be hoping for. I am 18 years younger than my husband and 12 years older than his son. The age thing has not made a difference at all in our relationship. When you are in High school and college age seems such a big deal, but when you find someone that you just have that true connection with, why pass it up just because of age? Not saying that is what your ex and the woman has, but it was in our case. Of course his kids from previous marriage were older than yours is in this case, but now we have our own 3 year old and cherish what we have. I think that the important thing to look at is how they are with the children and your ex, not the age. It may seem hard thing to get passed, but isn't the most important thing that your children and ex are safe and happy. I agree with not exploiting the relationship too soon to the kids, no matter what the ages are. Again, just my perspecive, hope you can see past the age and just try to look at other judging factors. :) best of luck

Hi K.,

Let me start by saying I support your position of not bringing girlfriends/boyfriends around until it is a serious realtionship. However, it sounds like the issue of bringing dates around your son is something the two of you should have discussed prior to this woman's entrance into your ex's life. Has he brought other women around your son? Have you had similar issues with them, or is it the fact that this woman is so young that's really getting to you? The hard truth is that your ex gets to decide who he dates, and both involved in this relationship are adults (regardless of maturity!). It's not too late to have a discussion with your ex, just make sure it is not in an accusatory manner, and by all means, do NOT bring up his girlfriend's age! Put the focus on protecting your son. Best of luck!

I can understand how you might feel. It is difficult, I'm sure, with your ex-husband dating new people and you dating new people. It's difficult for your son. But I would say that it is not up to you to tell your ex-husband who he can date. How would you feel if he told you how to run your life away from him? Just because this lady is younger than your husband does not mean she is a bad person. I am twenty years younger than my husband, and our relationship works nicely.

K.

You can't demand your ex to not bring this young lady around your son, but you can explain your views and suggest he do what you are. Chances are he will dismiss what you say, but at least you gave it a try...but you never know, he may say "your right". YES, the age thing is a bit much. My grandpa remarried a young lady a year older than my mother! (his oldest daughter) We all really didn't care for her for quite some time because of the age thing...in addition to him cheating and divorcing my grandma because of this woman. In time we accepted her. My kids don't notice the age difference and never judged her. If things work out between your ex and this young lady.... so be it. You don't have to like it, but you will....or need to accept it. Negitive talking about each other and thier significant others is bad for the child. It is the worse feeling to hear a parent say such things about the other parent. I lived with that for 31 years and still counting. They never knew how much it hurt as a child until 11 yrs ago. My mother now makes sure she wathches what she says around my kids...but still forgets about me. I did my job and protected my kids from the hate. Whatever happens, keep the hatred, anger, and disappointments reguarding your ex away from your son. Be happy (or act it) when your son tells you stories of his time with his dad...and his girlfriend. I wish you the best.... it's not easy seeing you ex with such a young lady... and probaby not with anyone... but in time it will pass.

Good Morning K., Let me do the math.. lol your son is 4, so she is 20 and ex is 36? Yikes. In my mind it wouldn't matter if she has been to the Mountain top and back to the Valley, that would not be proper to have around your small son. PERIOD! She is like a babysitter. So is your EX. I know that sounds really rude, can't help it.
If he wants to be her babysitter so be it, like you said do NOT bring her around your son ever.
I am glad you have taken the position to not introduce your son to men you are dating, it hurts more then helps, in my mind anyway. They can get attached and if it doesn't work out someone else is gone in their young lives.

Keep the communication open with your ex and make it very clear how you feel about it. Don't necessarily need to bad mouth the IN NEED of Care lady, just him know you don't want him introducing your son to women he dates.

God Bless you K. and best of everything to you
K. Nana of 5

I am not trying to mean, but your exhusband is a grown man and can date anyone he wishes. If he wishes to bring her around your son, there is nothing at all you can do about it unless she is banned by the courts. Otherwise, you will just have to get over it. Sorry!

I wouldnt worry so much as to the technicalities of who your ex is dating, if you are concerned about your sons well being, ask him how he is treated when hes with dad, ask what they do, you can get a lot out of them without them knowing what you are doing. I have a 4 year old as well, and she can recite her whole day to me. If it seems like he is safe and doesnt pick up any bad traits I wouldnt worry yourself over it. After all his dad is supposed to be taking care of him, not his girlfriend. I hope that you can trust your ex to take good care of your son. If you have any major concerns I would talk to your lawyer about it. But I certain wouldnt medal too much in your ex's relationship. Good luck!

I know Im late responding. You didn't say if he chose to leave you or you left him.

If you left him of course the answer is you got rid of him because you apparently didn't agree with his decision making so you really get no say so now.

If he left you and your children why would you be surprised that he's still making bad decisions?
It stinks but dog gone it we can't control these nut jobs or the stupid girls that date them. ( I was one) When I was 23 I started dating a divorced father of two who was 34 and then I made the wise decision to marry this goof. Here I am wife number 2 in a list of three so far. I think the third one will stick she's got money and stays drunk with him so it's a great match. Oh and she doesn't do anything about his slips with other women.

So I wish we knew the magic answer to get your child away from this situation... there isn't one.

Prayig for you,
L. (H. now)

Hi K., No I was grown up and married when my dad re-married and she was only 5 years older than me. Made Christmas shopping for her easy :o) You can't tell your ex who he can and can't date but I don't blame you for being worried. But at the same time, you little guy is 4 and everyone who is grown up is grown up to him, I know that's how my girls are. They never knew that Grandma-Su and Mom were pretty much the same age - they loved her because she was Grandma-Su. I'd talk to your ex tell him your concerns and make sure this is serious between the 2 of them and that she's not a short term thing, that's what I would worry about more. And let him know that you don't want her playing mommy, she can your sons friend and he should still be respectful but you are mom. Good luck!!

Safety is the number one issue. Your ex should provide a safe environment for you son. Unfortunately, you can't control everything/everyone your son does/sees when you're not present. You can express your concerns, but that's it. You obviously don't like this woman, but you probably won't care for anyone your ex is dating.

Hi K., Are you more concerned about this womans age, or about him bringing her around his/your kid? Would you be as concerned if this woman were your age? What may seem strange to you, may be perfectly normal to them. my husband is twenty years older than I am and we get along fantastic! He treats me VERY well, and I treat him very well also. We have just about everything in common(besides a few older songs and some out dated hairstyles! Ha!!)I think people make a bigger issue out of age before they take the time to get to know the couple. Once some people find out an age difference between someone then they automaticaly turn on their judgements about them. It sounds as if you're judging this woman before you've even had a chance to get to know her, give her chance, you may actually find that you like her. It may also be that she is a total flake too, but trust me, flakes come in all ages!
I am w/ you on not bringing someone around your son until it is very serious, but there is really nothing you can do about what he chooses to do. Just make sure you do what is right, and your son will appreciate you doing that in the long run. Good luck!

Honestly I think you need to let it go, unless she is disrespectful and rude with your son.

You may dislike the age difference but that's his choice. You may disagree with him introducing his son to his girlfriends to soon, but when your son is with his dad, that's their time. You have to let him use his own judgment when it comes to that.

I know other moms agree with you, but from my own personal experience it's best not to involve yourself in his personal relationships.

wow, it was interesting reading the responses. There was a lot of prejudgement just simply based on this young lady's age! My husband & I have been married for 28 years, & he is 8 years older than me. We met when I was 15, he was 23- & my parents 34. Dating did not begin until I was almost 16, & it took a lot of faith for my parents to allow this. The reason it was approved was based on the fact that our "emotional & mental ages" met in the middle.....truly that is the reason "why" my parents accepted the age difference.

That said, you do have a right to discuss with your ex how to handle your son meeting boyfriends/girlfriends. BUT, you absolved all other rights as to your ex's life choices when you divorced him. Only the court can interfere, you can not.

I also think that in order to help you, we Moms need more info. What do you find sooo distasteful about this young lady? What has she done (other than be younger than you) to make her seem so wrong in your eyes? Aren't you prejudging her for "having been thru Hell & back" - can't that make a person strong, not weak? & the fact that you've already called her a "kid" to your ex.....really seems out-of-bounds!

Basically, you do not have any control over your husband's life. You do have control over your part of your son's life. & that's where it should end, unless you wish to use a lawyer to assist you.

K.,
As much as it bothers you, there is not a thing you can do unless you have it in your parenting agreement. He can and will do what he wants. You can ask him nicely, but it will probably not make a bit of difference. Best thing for you to do is to just step out of it and let it be. Yes you are concrened about your son being around her, but unless you plan on taking him back to court and following the exact same rules, nothing will chage until he tires of her or vice-a-versa.

Other then her age you didn't mention anything wrong with her. I applaud you decision to not introduce your son to anyone tell it turns serious. When you do find someone serious are you going to let your ex husband approve this person before he can meet your son? If your ex says he does like want this person around his son will you abide by his wishes? If your husband marries this girl and you marry someone your ex doesn't like where will this leave your son? Basicly as much as you would like to, unless she is endangering your son, you don't get a say in who your ex dates.

Sorry you are living my life. I'll just say the latest wife is 6 yrs older than my daughter and 16 yrs younger than him. Our 16 year old has come to the realization that her father could easily fall into the pedophile category. Nothing you say or do will help the situation. Your child may notice or daddy will grow up sooner or later. Good luck to you. Be patient.
R.

K., I am going to agree with most of the other Moms who have responded and tell you that you gave up the right to tell your ex husband what to do when you and he were divorced. I understand your concern, but I do not understand the age difference being the primary thing that is on your mind. I would be much more concerned with the moral and ethical character of the people around my son. That being said, unless you could prove in a court of law that this is an unsafe environment for your son you are going to just have to bite your tongue and move on. I applaud your decision to not involved the men you might be dating in your sons life when it is just a casual relationship but you can only suggest to your ex that he do the same.
Try to remain positive, do not do anything to interfere in the relationship between your son and his Daddy...your Son will be the one who suffers is you allow this situation to be blown up out of proportion.
R. Ann