Don't Know What to Do About the Problems with My Husband. Please Help.

I don't believe he can 'change' nor that you can change him.
Wishful thinking, will not change him.

HE has to realize...that he is a selfish, self-absorbed, clod, who has arrested development. Even his own Mother, says he is NEVER satisfied.

The problem, is chronic.
He is abusing you... and has no reason to...except in his mind, he is always right....

It doesn't matter what his psychological problems are... and only a trained Therapist can assess him... and maybe help him. These things takes YEARS... to 'cure.'
And marriage counseling, takes LONG term, consistent attendance too.

DISCERN... about doing what is right, doing what is needed, and whether it is "wise" to cling to old wishes or not... based on your previous vow of coming from a divorced home and therefore you don't want to divorce.... or to give up for your kids sake.

Sometimes, our age old 'vows' to ourselves... needs to be re-evaluated.

Over time, if not already, your Husband is going to damage your kids... and their development and attitudes about you/what a Woman is/what a Wife is... and how to treat women.
THAT is the legacy your Husband will instill in them... and you either allow that upon your kids or not.

And he lies... he smokes pot. And he cannot care for his own kids and cares for the lawn better than he cares for you and the kids... his family. His family gets treated WORSE than a lawn...
think about that....

Kids do not always need a mom AND dad around.... if the Dad is damaging and abusive to their Mom. Do you want them to 'become' like your Husband???? Because, kids, as they grow up... will do as they are raised and what they are exposed to.

Why on earth... would you want to exist... in a situation like that and with a Man that despises you and his kids???
You said yourself, you do.not.trust.him.with.your.kids.

And YES... the way he treats you IS abusive... and he does it to you in front of the kids, in front of others... and tells you that he HATES your with a passion... and that he CAN'T stand to look at you.
ALL his actions... is hugely, dysfunctional and toxic.

Sometimes, being "noble" is not about just staying with a marriage because you yourself came from a divorced home... but being able, to make a new path for yourself and your kids... that is HEALTHY and safe, for you and them.

If you do go for divorce, document all of these things... and do it privately so he does not know. Then, you can perhaps seek FULL custody of your kids. Afterall, he doesn't care for them, nor will he care for him any better if you are divorced... and their well-being may be further at risk, if you are not supervising him, with them.

all the best,
Susan

I don't have any advise, I don't know what to do with my own husband. I just want to say that I think that you are on the right track by going to talk to a therapist. A good therapist will help you work out your feelings and come to a decision that is right for you and your children.

Best to you.

.

Everybody in the world may agree that your husband "needs to grow up." Sadly, that isn't something you can make happen. You can learn what your own issues are, however, which is an important piece of your own growing up. Counseling will probably be helpful in coming to understand how you came to choose this man to marry, which will help you figure out whether you want to continue trying to share a life with him. And if you do stay married to him, it will help you find more positive ways to deal with ongoing issues so your home life doesn't have negative effects on your darling children.

A surprising fact of our emotional lives is that we often marry someone who replicates some strong (and often traumatizing) characteristic we were exposed to when we were growing up. Women often marry men who are like their fathers in some significant way. When we don't know this, we can't protect ourselves from that impulse. And even more surprising, we somehow make those choices even during a period of courting, when negative characteristics are scarcely allowed to surface.

But we've got this magic sensitivity, and tend to choose the devil we know. It's what we're used to coping with, and there is a sense of safety in familiarity.

I married my mother the first time around: she was self-centered and exceedingly controlling (I had no father figure when I was young). When I decided I couldn't bring my daughter up to be emotionally healthy in that marriage, she was already eight, and had become terrified of being left alone with her dad. Leaving was the best thing I could ever have done for both of us, and I wish I had done it sooner. But I still had to get several months of counseling to realize I could make that choice, and to find the strength.

I'd like to suggest one other resource you might like to explore – a process called Non-Violent Communication which might make a positive difference in your ability to let your husband know how difficult things are for you. Because it it mutually respectful and explores authentic feelings and needs on both sides of any relationship, your husband may not become defensive when you talk to him, which will allow you to say more, and stay in your heart when you are talking together. It's been a life-changing tool for me. Google this term for lots of information and books and classes if it sounds worthwhile to you.

Good luck. Try not to lock yourself into a damaging situation by holding onto the idea that your children "need" this man to be their male role model. Divorce is hard for children. A bad father can be far harder.

It's time for counseling again. I don't know what you mean by "it got ugly" but if he loves you and values your relationship, he'll go with you and make it work, if not, continue on your own and move on. It's terribly detrimental to your children to see him treating you with such disrespect. You do them a disservice by staying with someone who puts you down just because you don't want to go through a divorce.

As I started reading this I was thinking he just needed to grow up. I was then shocked by your statement that he says he hates you with a passion and can't stand to look at you. No way he should say that about his wife. He has some very serious problems and you are suffering because of it. Tell him bluntly that his behavior is destructive and harmful to the entire family and offer him the opportunity to get help with you or alone. If he refuses and does not agree to change his damaging ways, then you really need to think about changing your life and your kids' lives. There is no way their home will be all normal and happy when he acts this way and you are emotionally beat to a pulp. I can guarantee you that.

Well, the best laid plans of mice and men go astray. In this case it would be better for you to go back to work and to move on. Yes, you did come from a broken home but you need to look out for yourself and your children and you are not doing this in this situation.

Self-esteem is something that has to be built back up and he is doing his best to tear it completely apart. The "father knows best" days of family life are gone and never were. Any man that tells his wife that he can't stand to look at her and hates her and uses a tone of voice that relays disgust is not worth it. You said yourself that his mom said he was like that as a child (hint, hint). Whatever you do is not going to be enough as you now know. You two went to counseling only to have it backfire. It is going to hurt to move but not as much as a broken bone.

Do get legal advice and make an educated decision to get out. The old say leopards don't change spots and your husband is not going to change either. Life is too short to put up with all of this and be sane.

You deserve better and more. The other S.

I am really sorry that you have to live this way. You have a third child on your hands. He needs to grow up. My guess is that he could never do your job at home. I am thinking counseling for just yourself. Then maybe couple counseling. He is married with two children, he should be your protector. He should never put you down, especially in front on people. He should be cherishing you.
He says he wants to go back to when you did not have Children. That is a insane remark to make. He is verbally abusing you. I would tell him he needs to get help NOW or get out. No one deserves this kind of treatment.

I truly hope things work out the way you want. I know its hard to give up. But please start to put yourself first. Good luck!

I do think those comments put him in the catagory of abusive. and even if you have no plans to leave him, i think you need to do all you can to protect yourself and the kids if you should need to. Access to some cash, bank account info. witnesses to his pot smoking, and nasty comments Have those up your sleeve and hope you don't need to use them.

I'm wondering if he has a mental illness and the drugs are a way of self medicating. I don't know that you can really help him with that.
My first thought at the beginning of your post was that he was jealous of the kids and needed a little attention from you-yeah i know not a lot left to go around since you are giving to the ones that aren't adults. If you could summon it up to baby him he might come around, but if he has always been like this well yikes!

if you're not happy i'm sure the kids can feel that. you really do need to make a drastic move. do what you feel is right. There's a saying in spanish that goes "mejor sola que mal acompanada" ..."i rather be a lone than with bad company" he's putting you down and you don't trust him with your kids? plus he's always complaining and you're doing it all. what else do you need. what is your heart telling you. Listen to your heart. Also, talking to someone will def help, consider counseling again. In the meantime If you need anything u can always message me... i'm a stay at home mom as well, i kinda know what you're going thru. My husband is bad but not that bad hehe. But venting is good so message me whenever you need to or want. Good luck and God bless you.

Never, ever assume that staying in an unhealthy marraige is better for your children than divorce. Ever!

Whether or not it is worth it to you to stay in the marriage is up to you. You know what you are willing to put up with and what you have tried. You also know that your husband is an example to your children and they will watch and listen and learn the bad with the good.

A friend of mine had parents who were staying together for the sake of the children. When she was a preteen she blatantly asked them to just get a divorce and get it over with so everyone could be happy again. Staying together for the kids is not always a good reason.

It sounds like you are in a rough area right now. I think continuing counseling is excellent; even if it is solo. I wish you well in what ever you choose, take care.

WOW! I am so sorry you have to put up with this and personally I am surprised that anyone would put up with it for as long as you have. Unfortunetly men are who they are and its hard to believe you will be able to change him at all. You are such a great mom sticking this out for your kids sake, but remember how they live there childhood is how they will live and will reflect on them the rest of there lives so if your not happy they see and feel that and when they become adults they will think that thats the way life is supposed to be and I know you dont want that for them...If you are truely unhappy and you feel you have done everything you can to help him and to save your marrage then you might want to concider talking to him about a seperation...Dont just do it communicate with him about it and tell him how you really feel without turning it into a huge fight...Good Luck :)

If you want to save your marriage, you must get BOTH of you back into counseling now! Seriously, if he won't do it, then you do need to think of leaving. He should NEVER say those things to you, and to say them to you in front of your kids and family is beyond awful. He's setting the worst example for your kids, and if you continue to stay with him treating you that way, you'll be setting a terrible example for them as well. IF you want, I hope you can work things out, but if he won't see a counselor (and it would be great for him to go to sessions on his own as well), I would let him go smoke pot and be dissatisfied all by himself!

D., I don't have advice for you as I've not been in your shoes, but I just want to send you my support and admiration. I do not believe in divorce, either, but at some point you have to ask yourself if seeing your mother abused and dejected is better than having separate but happier parents. It sounds like either way, you are going to be their only real parent. I wouldn't judge you or think any worse of you for leaving this situation. I think you are doing everything right and kudos for getting counseling for yourself. I wish you clarity and peace in whatever you decide.

Lots of red flags. Your problems sounds very familiar. My brother in law started acting up like the way your husband is doing it. I'm not justifying his irresponsibility, but it seems that he going through a deep case of depression and doesn't want to accepted. And doesn't want to get help. The thing here is that he's abusing you; verbally and psychologically.
The most important thing here is You and the kids. You need professional help too, to deal with what might come. Have a serious talk with him and have him work for your trust and respect. You and your kids deserve that.
If he doesn't want to do it. What do you need him for?

well .Sorry you are going through this.but right now you said your kids need a mom and dad which i totally agree but right now from what your described your husband is Not a dad to them anyway.He does need to wake up or things are over .However things can always changed but he has to be willing to do his part.Good luck. My husband was depresed and was niether her husband or a dad to the kids for two whole years .The kids were still very small 2 years and six months so i waited.Now,almost five years later number four and last is on the way .I do feel loved most of the time and he is getting better at spending quality time with the kids .he is doing a good job with the older ones 5 and 7 years old and still has a hard time with under3/4 years old children.
N.