Domestic Abusive, Need Advice

Unfortunately, you can't do anything - you were right, she has to want to leave. You could call DCF and inquire about the details if they take the kids - where would they go/ would you be able to take them? If her kids are taken away maybe it will convince her of the severity of the situation. Once his kids try to get in the middle to protect their mom, he will hit or shove them to get them out of the way - maybe that is what it will take for her get the picture. I am assuming your father isn't physically able to stop this man but why would he leave the house if he knows this man could physically hurt his daughter!!!!!!! Since the father does not hide his actions from his kids or the father-in-law - that shows that nothing will stop this man and it will escalate things most likely to a near fatal or even fatal occurrence.

I am so sorry for you and your family. I have been abused and the abuser has an extremely strong pull. Fear is what keeps her there, although she will say it is love and he really doesn't mean it, but fear is the real reason. Being abused is like a drug addiction, she won't take care of herself until she has hit rock bottom, i.e., her being put in the hospital (although, that typically isn't enough either) or the kids being hurt.

Continue to offer her support and be there for her NO MATTER WHAT. Don't be judgmental in her presence, just be her sister. You can always offer her a place to stay, no questions asked - she may feel she has no where to go b/c she doesn't want to burden anyone w/ 4 extra mouths to feed. If you ostracize her or constantly badger her to leave she will only cut ties. If she has no support system she will never leave him b/c she will feel she is all alone.

I know this isn't the answer you wanted to hear. I know you love and care for her deeply or you wouldn't be reaching out for help. All I can say is be there for her. I finally got the courage to leave my situation b/c I knew I had somewhere to go - my family always made it clear I could come home.

It is unfortunate that you are right, you can't help someone who doesn't want it. My father was abusive toward my mother and she always seemed to take him back. I believe at one point my Uncle's would no longer have any more to do the family. My Mom said they did not accept my Dad so she stayed away. At this point, I believe they didn't agree with what they felt was abusive. Today, I can tell you and anyone else, it was abusive and destructive in that home.

As well, my cousin was married to an abusive man for about 20 years. We all knew he beat her. They isolated themselves from everyone. I ran into her in the store about 4 years ago. She looked completely different. She had left him and their 5 kids. She went into a shelter and was trying to get her life started. I saw her a few times after that and during every visit, she said, "He no longer has control of me".

They get to them mentally and make them believe they won't make it without them and their family doesn't care or understand. I don't know how they do it, but they do.

All you can do is let her know you love her and that you are there for her when she is ready. Even if she doesn't want to hear it, say it anyway.

Hey,it breaks my Heart to read this Story, because I have been there god thanks without Kids.......your Dad has to step in also......it want take long until something terrible will Happen........try to get in Touch with Hotline for Abused Women 18009622873 even if it means she will loose her Kids for a while, maybe she will get Help then.......do something before it is to late..........He needs serious Angermanagement......she needs Help to see that she is worth to be treaded different.......with Respect.........dont wait to get Help for her..........I pray for you and your sister and her precious Babys:::::::::::::

O.k. she's got to some day understand that no you haven't been in that position but she's in it because she's got very low self esteem. I can say this I was in her situation first marriage 3 years then away from it then still low self esteem got into it again 3 years with a live in boyfriend.

She needs to go to some type of support group about women being in domestic violence. Please the glass shattered it was just behind her, give me a break I bet it's also not his fault he gets made, it's her fault because if she didn't do something to make him made they wouldn't have that problem. Right! been there and been the enabler.

Here's a few sites to review to help you and maybe you can find a way for her to see them. Listen here's how it goes in the mind of your sister now...he's made her believe she doesn't deserve anyone else, no one else will love her the way he does. She is told this so long and so much and already had low self esteem before they started the relationship then it was a matter of him working her to all his ways of thinking.

visit these sites verableabuse.com and brokenspirits.com maybe some day with prayer she will wake up and see what this does to everyone in the family. You may want to consider getting your Dad away from the situation honestly your sister needs serious help before she does end up in a worse situation ro worse yet a kid tries to defend mom and gets hurt by daddy.
Once you get your Dad out of there just be aware even if she doesn't talk about he's doing it abusing her. Maybe old Dad needs to tell her, maybe you and others need to get in on a family needing without her take over raising her kids until she wakes up or before something worse happens

You may wan to talk to a professional about what to do (a counselor) me, myself after I have walked down that path thank god no kids back then...if my sister was going through this i's seek ways to get the kids away from her until she left him...soon the cops will be called the kids will go into foster care until they can prove they are fit to not fight. Trust me something will happen. Sorry you are having to go through this I know not feeling as if you can really make a difference is a terrible feeling, not being able to freely talk to her and her listen...just read those sights you'll at least know why she can't be reached right now and maybe help you find a way.

What some folks might not know is if DCFC takes the kids they will get split up...imagine being away from your mother and also you siblings...if you can step in and take the kids DCFC usually will work with a relative to have the children if it comes down to it.

Having her kids taken from her might be the best thing and wake her up! Also how does your dad not kick the sh*t out of her husband! I know my husband would and will beat down anyone that talk to or would dare lay a hand on our girls!
Your father needs to start making detailed records of what goes on AND he needs to call the cops more often when things like this happen! The more the cops come the more reports there will be and yes perhaps the kids are taken. Many times they are placed with family and that might be a good thing!
If it were me I would also confront her husband on my own BUT that is just my personality :) not sure that is the best route?!
Sad thing is this WILL be a legacy she passes on to her kids and they will follow the same path.
It is sad there will be nothing you can do to change her mind. She is too involved to see reality! She doesn't realize what else is out there for her and how she should be treated. She has to want to leave...
Really this is something your dad needs to keep on her about, since he is the one in the house and sees it all. Him leaving when they fight is just wrong. He needs to step in and say you can not talk to my daughter like this and call him out on his actions as a man! Because he is not a man when he does this to your sister and he needs that to be put right in his face!
I wish your sister luck...

I haven't read any other responses, but here is what I know about DCF intervention in domestic violence cases. DCF can ONLY take her kids if they are present during the incident. If your father is there, he MUST take the kids and get out of the house during the incident to protect the children. I know it leaves your sister high and dry, but unless she wants help, no one is going to be able to do anything for her.

I think the best way for you to make your sister realize what she is letting her children witness is to take her to court and take custody of her children. Your sister is a grown woman and if she wants to stay in that kind of relationship thats on her, but her children should not have to. I am sorry to hear and sometimes it takes tough love for someone to wake up. Maybe having her children removed from her care will wake her up. Good luck

Stop worrying about helping your sister. As you said, she has to want to leave. She is an adult, and can make her own decisions. You need to help those kids! What they are seeing is damaging their little baby psyches! Talk to you father and let him know that this cannot continue, and talk about how you can protect the kids. You may need to talk to your sister at an intervention, or your father may have to call the police every time they are fighting in front of the kids. Somehow, you have to get it through their head that, no matter what they choose to do in private, they cannot do it in front of their kids. I wish you luck.