This may be contentious for some, but I am trying to discipline my 15 mo old son.
We adopted a kitten a few weeks ago, (maybe you can see where this is going). My husband unwittingly showed our toddler how to pick it up. He probably would have tried this on his own anyway as he is totally enamored, but now he's always grabbing on to it and trying to carry it around. The problem is he is not able to pick it up in a proper fashion (he carries it by it's paws, or around it's neck, etc.) and so now I am trying to stop him from picking it up at all. He can play with it and pet it, but no pick up. I give him three stern warnings, "No pick-ups, just pets.", I also give a slight tap on the hand on the 2nd & 3rd times; with each warning I show him how to properly pet or play with it with a ribbon, etc. If he continues on I place him in his crib for a two minute time out. I explain why I put him in there when it's over. Two problems here:
1. He sometimes goes right back to picking up the cat, where by we repeat the whole process again. It makes me wonder if he doesn't understand what's happening, or why - although he is a *very* persistent child... Should I continue with my method and know that he will eventually make the cause/effect connection, or is there something else I could try (apart from banishing the kitty to the bedroom)? (Also, his crib is in our living room (small one bedroom apt!) so when he tries to pick it up it's all of 5 steps to the crib... I'm not carrying him all over a big house or something where he would be distracted.)
2. Sometimes he is still upset/fussing after two minutes simply from being put into the time out. I have to wait 5 minutes or more on occasion for him to calm down at which point I remove him and tell him why he was there. I'm concerned he'll become confused and think it's because he's crying that I'm "saving him" or something along those lines, thereby reinforcing the crying tantrum behavior that he has also recently started rather than actually teaching him to not pick up the cat. Should I continue to wait until he calms down, or abide by a strict time table?
Any input/suggestions would be appreciated, especially from our little kitten!! :) Thanks.
I would suggest removing the cat for those 2 minutes instead of putting him in the crib. a) you don't want him to have negative connotations with his crib and b) it's a more direct consequence: Treat something badly and that thing goes away. The cat can come out to play when you are ready to be gentle and pet her.
This is a toughie. Yes, 15 month olds can be disciplined in many areas. They also have *very* poor impulse control. Can you do any type of discipline that will be stronger that the allure of picking up the cat? Maybe. Depends a lot on your child.
Make sure the cat has lots of places to flee to. I'll second the suggestion that the cat is removed rather than the child. It sends a clearer message that might work better for a toddler brain "pick up cat=cat goes away".
Aim for success. Have your child and your cat in the same room for brief periods under close supervision. When he succeeds in following the rules, praise him abundantly. When he can do 15 minutes reliably, try for 30 minutes.
You and your husband might also want to avoid picking up the cat around your son. Follow the same rules as him, as much as possible. Narrate what you are doing "I am petting the cat on the ground. Kitty likes this. Can you pet the cat like this?"
When you do pick up the cat, say something like "I need to pick up the cat right now to keep kitty safe. This is something only parents can do. Parents pick up cats. Grownups pick up children. Children do not pick up cats. Children do not pick up grownups. Can you pick up me? Noooo. That would be silly! Children don't pick up cats. It hurts the kitty."
Good luck. I never did manage to teach our toddler to stop pouncing the cat. He has some sensory issues, and the allure of all that fur was just way too much for his self-control. He didn't even care about getting scratched.
You might use a few baby gates to block your son from rooms where the kitten can flee for its safety. Hes just too excited and impulsive at this age to really catch on fast to leave the poor cat alone. You can tell him no, and grab his hands from around the neck of the cat just so often and make yourself miserable. All it will take is one time when youre back is turned and the little cat could suffer terribly. So stand over them both now and then so he gets to see and interact with the cat, but then let it loose and let it run and hide. As time goes by, and it wont take long, the cat will grow and get better at defending itself and scratch/bite your little guy a few times. That will be about the only thing that will stop him from mistreating the cat,, trust me,,youll feel bad no matter who is getting hurt, but it will work out eventually.
If you put him in his crib for time out he is going to NOT going to want to go to sleep or to bed. He will think he is in time out. You can't really discipline a 15mo. You can correct him but that is about it. He will not understand all that you are saying or discipline until around age 3.
Watch the kitten like a hawk around him and when he picks the kitty up say no picking up, just pets like your doing. If he does it again say it again and after a pause say if you do it again you won't be able to play with the kitty for 3 minutes. If he does it again take the kitty away for 3 minutes every time this cycle happens. He will eventually associate the two. It won't take years or anything, it will probably take 1-2 weeks if you are very consistent with it.
I'm surprised by some responses. I have 2 cats and one was barely weaned from momma when we got her from my old babysitter's friend. When my daughter was 15ish months she started being not so nice and I did what I told ya and after a week or so she stopped being mean to the cats and was nice. I also showed her then and there how to pet them nice and she would see me petting them nice throughout the day. Keep your consequences on a teaching scale instead of a behavior/punishment and he will learn. Just because they are young or can't talk (I don't know if he can or not) doesn't mean they can't listen or understand to some extent.
You are fighting a losing battle. At 15 months he's simply not able to remember cause and effect or understand the concept of discipline for doing something as fun as picking the kitten up. If you can't find a new home for the kitten I'd just keep redirecting him without discipline, and when it gets particularly bad, I'd move the kitten to another room.
He is too young -- and will be for some time yet -- to connect his actions with your reactions and the time outs. Time outs are not effective for kids this young; that's why he goes back and picks up kitty again. He is not doing it to spite you; he's doing it because he does not get that he was put in his crib suddenly because he picked up the kitten. Please don't expect more from him that he can do at his age. You can explain every time "what you did that made mommy put you here" but he just won't connect your words to his actions of even five minutes earlier. Ask your pediatrician -- kids his age aren't developmentally ready to do that yet. And it's not his fault, just his age and stage.
You're right: Your instinct is telling you that he is confused about the nature of the time outs. He does not understand the concept; he only knows "I'm somewhere I don't want to be" but does not follow that with "I'm somewhere I don't want to be BECAUSE of my behavior." That leap is a long way off for him.
Like another poster said, keep him away from the kitten. Period. Avoidance is really your only option here to stop him from accidentally hurting the kitten or the kitten from hurting him. I'd stop the time outs because they only frustrate both of you, do not change his behavior, and will make him associate his crib with Bad Things. Soon he'll start resisting going into his crib at bedtime and naptime because he'll see it as a place he is whisked into against his will, alone, at what seem (to him) to be sudden, random times.
I am a cat lover, and I hate to say it but it might be a better option overall to find another loving home for this kitten and get a kitten when you son is old enough to understand how to handle it properly and safely. Kittens are much, much easier to "re-home" than mature cats so you should be able to find a home for this one, I'd hope. I know it seems harsh, but the only other option for probably the next year would seem to be keeping the kitten and your son apart, and in that time the kitten would learn that your son was someone it wasn't supposed to get near -- meaning that later, the grown cat will probably not be affectionate with your son.
Keep the kitty away from the child unless you or dad are supervising...they are still both babies. Your kidding about the discipline...RIGHT? Teach your children well and small animals.
Blessings.....
Updated
Keep the kitty away from the child unless you or dad are supervising...they are still both babies. Your kidding about the discipline...RIGHT? Teach your children well and small animals.
Blessings.....
Are you then going to escalate your response when he hurts the cat? And what if he chokes it to death with a hug?
Your expectations need to be lowered. You have introduced a fascinating new toy and are expecting a toddler to not react like a toddler. If you are holding the kitten, then why should your tiny person not also hold the kitten? He learns by example and does as you do -- so far as he is able and interested. He will not be content to only pet the kitten when it is there 24/7 tempting him. It is okay to expect your toddler to follow your instructions when you introduce him to an animal, but as time goes by he will want to explore more. Like another poster said, he is too young to have true empathy. Remove the cat.
Don't be unintionally cruel. Both your son and the kittens are babies. Any respectable child expert will tell you that your son is too young for time out. He also developmentally unable to grasp empathy at this age. I am sure you love your son very much. Please access several books on child and infant development. You will be glad you did. And please do you,your baby and the little kitten a favor and find it a loving home. Your little one will not be able to responsibly hold and pet an animal for several more years. If you are not sure that I am correct check with your pediatrician. I am sure they will concur.
Sometimes, instead of a time out, i just take my toddler on my lap and hold his hands still. It seems to require a bit of finesse, because if he is doing something for attention (pulling his sister's hair, *sigh*) it just makes things worse. But it has helped with the dog. I also do the thing where i help guide his hand in a petting motion, with the words 'gentle gentle'. This has actually helped to the point where 'gentle gentle' can often prompt him to calm down and pet gently - useful in many situations.
