Disappearing Mom

Updated on January 21, 2009
L.C. asks from Houston, TX
18 answers

I'll make this as short as possible.

I was raised by my father because my mother had left when I was a little over a year old. I grew up never knowing her. Then at the end of 2007 I got a call saying that my mother was looking for me. I was overwhelmed and excited and truly happy to have the opportunity to talk to and meet my "long lost mother" I welcomed her back with open arms and she came to visit me for a week at the beginning of 2008. We talked on the phone after she left and I then went to visit her In the summer of 2008. Both of my meetings with her were bitter sweet. The joy of finally getting to know my mother was wonderful...but she was such a different person. She was very critical of me....my weight (I'm a size 10), my home, my then fiance (now husband).During the first meeting with her...it was easier to overlook these things because the excitement of getting to meet her...helped me to push aside the negativity that I was receiving. However, when I went to visit her...it was really difficult for me to accept her negative attitude. She is very controlling of her husband....she tells him what to do and when. She is a total health nut...which meant she wanted me to eat just like her which meant that I was not suppose to eat anything that she was not acceptable of. She told me I was fat constantly and told her husband that it hurt her to look at me because of my size. She talked about my husband and said that he did not make enough money...and when she was here she told him that if she had raised me I would have never met him...I would have met someone better. I went through these types of comments for the entire 2 weeks that I was there visiting her. I got into a disagreement with her...in which I told her that she was too critical and that I didn't like her constantly criticizing me...especially since I had just met her. I suppose no one has ever confronted her about her actions...so needless to say...she has never talked to me again. It has been about 6 months since I visited her. She knew I was getting married a few months after I returned home. She did not attend the wedding. I sent pictures from the wedding and have yet to get a response from her. I also tried to call a few months ago and still nothing. She is truly a different person...she hasn't talked to her own mother for over 33 years and she stopped talking to her sister because her sister did not do what she told her to do. I truly feel sorry for my mother and know that she needs to have a true meaningful relationship...because I know she is not happy. I really want her to know what it means to have family...but I don't know how long I should press the issue. It took 30 years for her to contact me and after about 6 months of contact and 2 meetings all communication has stopped. She said that I hurt her when I told her that she was critical and disrespectful to her husband...she said that she had planned on telling me that she never wanted to see me again when I left to go home at the airport. I am a mother and I just don't understand how someone could be so cold to their child...especially one that they just got reunited with. It seems as though, if I don't change and do exactly what she wants for me to do...then she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I've been praying about this situation and I really do want to try to keep a relationship with her...but I can't force her to do anything. Should I just let this situation rest and leave it be? Or should I keep trying?

Sorry for the lengthiness ...I still left parts out to make this as short as possible but this is a pretty good summary.

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So What Happened?

Thanks to everyone for their wonderful advice. Well, I did call her and she called back. However, she is still being quite cold. I called and told her that I had my daughter and I asked her to come see her. She said she would, "Think about it." That was over two weeks ago and I haven't heard from her. I'm just continuing to pray that God will change her and leaving the door of communication open...if she ever decides to come around. I'm enjoying my new addition (baby girl) and my loving family. Thank you all again for your words of wisdom!

More Answers

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C.B.

answers from Houston on

R u serious? That is not a mother that is a life long torture from which you were spared. My advice... good-bye and good riddance. It takes more to be a mother than just give birth. It appears that you may have some issues with her leaving you (abandonment)and you are tying your self-esteem to her acceptance of you. what you need to do is really decide is whether her acceptance of you matters, which means you need to decide does she matter enough for you to submit yourself to that type of treatment. My answer is no... she will only crush your self-esteem and make you feel even worse. Just the fact she has not seen u in 30 years and has so much to say... if she had been there those years she would have more authority to, but she does not. She lost any and all privileges a long time and go and for certain sealed her fate with you after your last visit. Her past relationships are indicative of her record with family..... It is very bad and you need to head for the hills. Count your blessings and vow to never be like your mother. :)

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P.K.

answers from Houston on

i have a friend who has some serious issues with her father (her mom passed away), but after trying everything? her words: in adulthood, a relationship with your parent(s) is optional.

if it is too toxic (putting it mildly) then break it off. with the help of hubby, friends, other family, clergy, counselors, you need every bit of strength to deal with this heartbreaker.

i'm sorry-

1 mom found this helpful
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D.A.

answers from Houston on

Dear L.:

I am so sorry your mom showed up but still wasn't there for you. Let her go. In the book "Irregular People," the author says that there are people in our lives who we want to have good relationships with, but due to something inside themselves they can't sustain good relationships with us. It's like buying irregular clothes (those that have some kind of flaw) - don't pay full price for them. It's not your fault.

1 mom found this helpful
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L.M.

answers from Houston on

Bless your heart! I know this is hard for you and I hope you can find a solution to this. My suggestion would be to keep the lines of communication open to your mother but that's it. Keep sending her pictures and send her Christmas and holiday cards. The reality is that she left for a reason and it may have been the best thing she could have done for you. Imagine growing up with that kind of critisism on a daily basis. You were better off honey and do not think for a minute you are not beautiful, worthy of love, and have something wonderful to offer this world. Your mother has her own demons to tackle and she must do that on her own. Honor her because that is what you are required by God to do. Other than that, take everything critical she says of you and mentally throw it in the trash. Concentrate on your own family because you know what NOT to do, right? You will grow in love, be a nurturing mother, and through yourself and your own doing, you can UNdo anything your mother has put into motion....break her cycle. God Bless!

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M.B.

answers from Houston on

Oh dear -- this is definitely a lost cause, I'm afraid. You're situation is not one of making peace with a mother who raised you, but of choosing whether or not to get in touch with a birth mother who has not been a part of your life -- if you would like to read others' experiences like this, the place to look is in accounts by adoptees who have met their birth parents, most of whom find these reunions pretty disappointing, if not outright horrifying. If this woman had anything to offer you, I would be all for your staying connected with her, but oh my GOSH - this is clearly someone who is severely mentally ill -- you might want to look up information on narcissism, because that sounds like the problem. You really cannot rescue this poor woman -- it is certainly beyond sad that she is so broken that she cannot have a relationship on any other basis than her as master and the other person as purely inferior and dominated subordinate, but there is no evidence at all that she is capable of ANY other kind of relationship. I had to face a similar reality when I had to painfully give up a friendship with a man I loved but could not have a romantic relationship with, for both our sakes. I was shattered that he didn't feel we could have a friendship, then I looked at his life -- he had NO friendships - and I had to ask myself honestly what would make me think he was capable of friendship with me when he is incapable of ANY friendship.

If you can't let go of your drive to save your mother from the isolation in which her mental illness has entrapped her, you might find some help healing the pain in either Codependents Anonymous or Alanon (for families and friends of alcoholics) meetings, both of which are free 12 step meetings attended by people who have emotional patterns of desperately wanting to care for and rescue people who are broken -- they've both helped me a lot, as did therapy. I eventually did some really good work healing my own wound from my mother's rejection and criticism (although it was not as spectacular as what you have suffered, it was plenty bad enough to leave me feeling worthless and desperate for approval) by seeing elements of mothering coming to me from many older women in my life -- I was in grad school at the time and out of several mentors I was sort of able to put together one great mother, feel myself loved and valued and respected by admirable and powerful women authority figures, and choose to model myself on the best in the worthy mothers life has given me, rather than hanging up on the failings and inadequacies of one particular woman who I wished had been less broken and more nurturing. Her brokenness was her tragedy, and I did, because she raised me and did her best for me and in some ways was a mother to me, I repaid her love and efforts with my own love and affection, but I didn't need to make the tragedy of her own shame and low self esteem, which left her unable to give much love, become my tragedy. When it came to sending a mothers day card or calling on a holiday, my mother got the call. When it came to sharing myself with an appreciative and loving friend and mentor over a meal, I had other more caring women to turn to, and it is their love and acceptance and appreciation I carry in my heart and that gives me the sense of being a woman and a parent that I share with my own daughter.

All best wishes -- my simple hope for you is that you can find a way not to let this woman's failings further damage you, and find ways to give the nurturing you want to give her to yourself and your children, and to those in your life who are capable of loving and valuing you back.

M.

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S.A.

answers from Houston on

L., I know that this has been painful for you because no matter how old we get to be -- we always want our parents to be the parents we need them to be! However, your Mom has showed you her true colors:
1. She abadoned you before you were a year old
2. You heard nothing from her for 30 years
3. She contacted you when she decided to and not before
4. When she did contact you -- she was crititcal of you and the life that you live, the way you eat, etc.
5. You expressed your opinion and she shut you out (again).

I would think that a parent would not be able to go 30 years without contact and if they did that when they were blessed with finding and being in communication with their child after all that time that they would be excited, not critical. This woman is not worth your time and energy -- yes, she is your birth Mother but she does not treat you with respect and does not seem to want to build a healthy relationship! You seem like a sweet person which means that your Father did a great job of raising you to be a caring individual and I find it interesting that your Mom said about your husband "If I had raised her, she would have met someone better..." That is pretty judgemental coming from someone who made decisions NOT to raise her child. I think that it is out of line for her to make comments like that and not see the irony that it was HER choice not to raise you but that she makes it seem like she could have done a "better" job.

I know it hurts to be excited about making this connection and then be without her again but it seems like you are beter off without this critical, bitter, mean, un-appreciative person in your life -- even if she gave birth to you!

blessings,
stacy

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V.H.

answers from Houston on

cut your strings........Don't waste the rest of your life chasing affection that is not there. Your mentality is more important. I have experience an almost same scenerio. Be you. You should not ever change yourself to meet someone elses standards. Pray about it and send her a Christmas card.

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E.E.

answers from Houston on

Hi L.,

My heart just broke reading your letter. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. The only thing I can say is people will always do what they know and when they know better they do better. Your mother did not know her mother so she does not know how to connect with you. You have broken this cycle with your own children. Be the best mom you can be to your kids. They will heal your heart. Your mom made her own choices. Don't feel responsible for them. She has shown you who she is, so believe her. If you try to make her into something she is not you may be disappointed. My heart is with you.

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C.G.

answers from Houston on

Not to tell you how to run your life but if your mom isn't respectful of you and your life then maybe a little time of non communication may help her to know that you mean business.

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N.D.

answers from Houston on

I'm so sorry, L.. I can see your heart through this email, a loving heart that cares, wants to do what's right before God and with your mother. I'm sure the Lord is pleased with how you've handled things as He knows your heart even better.

I was once estranged from my sons (their choice) and it was heartbreaking but I had to see that it took 2 to have a relationship and that I couldn't make them want to see me. What I found was that no one could ever take away the love I had for them and no one could ever stop my prayers. These things transcend walls and time and are eternal.

I believe you've done your part, more than your part in sending your wedding photos when she didn't attend or respond, in trying several times even though you didn't get any response. It helps me to think of people who can't give, who aren't able to have a healthy relationship as sick, mentally and spiritually. This perspective allows the grace to pray and have mercy, to let go of what I can't change.

May the Lord comfort you and continue to give you wisdom and guidance, grace and peace. You are beautiful.

From a mom who appreciates your loving heart, N.

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M.P.

answers from Houston on

Hi L.,
It is surprising to me to see your post just days after I watched a kids movie where the mother abandons her son and the son does all this great things in his life at the begining with the sole purpose to get to see at least once his mother.

I could not stop thinking about it and the fact that no matter what, deep somewhere in the heart of the children every time that the parents do something like that they feel that it was their fault (the kids) or that there is something wrong with them and the truth is that is the mother that has something wrong within her. Never the child!

I think you are doing a great job with yourself, your life, your family, and more when you did not have the example to follow, you had to do it all on your own and that is amazing!

Your mother has SERIOUS issues. It is clear since she is sooooo critial, hurtful and judgmental and I do not think that you may be able to help her for the sole reason that she may not be ready to be helped. The terrible news is that she may never be ready. And as long as she does not try to do something for helself or even recognize that she has issues there is nothing no one can do.

I am a mother and I do not think that there is nothing that will force me to live away from my kids. I know that is not the case for everybody and I know that there are circumstances but I tell you I could not live without them. I will never willingly leave them for no reason. I would do anything for them.

I also think that no matter the size, choices or anything I will still love them to death and I will still support them and even if I do dare the say something I will always try to do it in a respectful loving way.

And how can she critizes you, or what you eat or any of your choices when she was never there to teach/guide you. The kids learn and eat and behave in most part as the lived and as the people who raised them do. Soooo?

Do you think that her being so demanding or bossy would be a mechanism to make sure that there was no chance for you to ask her at some point why she left you? It could be that she is just avoiding some type of conversation that she knows that she does not have a powerful enough reasoning or excuse so her defense if the offense? (even before it could happen) Causing such much drama for non important issues is covering the real deal? For some people is much easier to run away from our actions.

The question, should I keep trying?.... ask yourself this questions....

Am I strong enough and willing to keep enduring this type of situations?

Does it do me more good or more pain to have her in my live or not to have her?

Knowing that I may not be able to make her respect me or my husband... Am I willing to keep listening to her critics?

She is not willing to comfront her issues, and she will run away anytime that something is not comfortable for her, how many times I want to keep trying?

You know it hurts A LOT to hear from your mother I do not want to see you again... (after I just got you back from a 30 year abandonment) How many times are you willing to go through that?

NO one can tell you if you should keep trying or not to have a relationship with your mother. Only you know how much pain you have inside. Only you know until what point you need that relationship. Only you know what you can take and what you can not.

But there is something I think and it looks like your mother is like a little dog that is very very hurt, animals when they are scared or hurt they attack and bite... only you know if you know how to and want to keep trying to get close.

If at some point she is willing to work on herself or maybe even go together with professional help. That would be great for both of you!

In the mean time keep up the good work! Love and protect your kids as much as you can and continue with your life with all your positive approach and the love of the people that are and have been with you.

Hope everthing goes well for you!

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J.P.

answers from Houston on

L. - I think all the responses before mine really hit
the mark. The important thing is for you to feel whole,
worthy and valued to be the best you can be in every arena
of life. Mom seems to take these things from you instead
of provide them. You wrote a beautiful letter asking for
help. I wonder if she should get this letter, that was
heartfully written, and some of your responses. Remember
that she is who and what she is because of where she came
from or her experiences in life, and scary, her genes. Her
"currency" seems to be "control". It is a waste to "blame"
her for her actions because "you don't know what you don't know". No one else has been able to break through the ice,
and unless you are feeling magical, I would steer away.
Her track record says a whole lot. After you decide on your approach, if it does not pay off in a positive way, try to keep any communication with her kind and short.
Pray for her.
I wish you a happy ending, but it will need to come from
within you, not from anyone else.

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M.R.

answers from Houston on

As much as you want to help your mom and show her what a family is she is the only one that can do that, she has to make that decision. It sounds like she needs professional help. Is there any member of her immediate family she hasn't closed out of her life? Continue to pray for her but walk away from the relationship for now. Bear in mind the way she treats you will be the same way she treats a grandchild, do you want that?

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S.W.

answers from Houston on

L. i would like to say that i am sorry for your troubles, i have never experienced what you are going through but pain is pain. i am sorry if i offend you or anyone in your family but you don't owe your mother anything at all not an apology nothing you are now an adult no thanks to her so for her to be out right disrespectful to you is unacceptable she is selfish and it seems she has always been that way so don't beat your self up trying to figure out what is going on in her head. i know you want to have a relationship with your mother by any means but as you see she doesn't have a stable relationship with anybody. Maybe your family should go to consuling if you really want to you alls relationship to work.
Good Luck and may GOD BLESS YOU and your FAMILY!

D.B.

answers from Houston on

What a loss on top of loss for you to lose your mother as a baby and then to lose her again. Congratulations on having the openness and courage to meet her as an adult.
It is obvious that she is a wounded individual and has never intervened on her thinking or actions to have a happy life. You cannot fix her or change her. She is toxic and you would do well to stay away from her, for your marriage and current or future children's sake.
You can love her and appreciate that she gave you the gift of life, and you can do that from a distance. Affirm her Good, grant her Peace, send her news by mail, and be unattached to any type of response from her. If she doesn't respond supportively or appropriately or honor boundaries you have for yourself, you can discontinue contact and continue to wish her well in your thoughts. Seek support from other women who have lost their mothers---they are out there and there have been books written on the subject.

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C.M.

answers from Houston on

Do NOT keep trying to maintain a relationship with this woman. She may have given birth to you, but she is NOT your mother. A parental relationship requires time and work and she wasn't there. Thankfully your father was. She is a grown woman and has many opportunities to change and become a better person, but she has clearly chosen not to do so. She consistently chooses not to speak to people who stand up for themselves and demands that those who are around her infantalize themselves and give her absolute control. Be grateful your father raised you, pray for her and otherwise avoid her like the plague. Your time and emotional energy belongs to your real family - the people who love you and are there for you.

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J.H.

answers from Houston on

You are lucky she left you when she did. Can you imagine what kind of life you would have had with such a critical and dominating mother? It seems that your father raised you to be a happy, normal adult. Give him credit. It's only natural to want a relationship with your mother, but you have seen that it's impossible. She said she had planned to tell you at the airport that she did not want to see you again, so let that be your cue. Know that you do have a mother, and as much as you want her, it is obvious that she does not want you, so let it lie. Get on with your life and let her lead hers, but don't let her ruin yours. You're not the first person to ever grow up and live without a mother. When you really think about it, she is only the person who gave birth to you, she has never really been your mother. Even animals take care of their young.

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M.L.

answers from Houston on

It sounds as if you did the best that you could do to develop a relationship with your mom. It seems that your heart is still open to her, which is awesome. Unfortunately it takes two to be in a relationship. Also, it takes two to decide if it is a healthy relationship. You wrote a wonderful letter just now. You mentioned that you have stated these same words to your mom. I feel that sometimes people need time to rethink things...and sometimes it will take a significant amount of time for her to see her issues. Maybe she needs a large amount of time before attempting to reconnect. I hope that you two will find a way to reconnect. Sometimes it just helps in knowing that she is providing you with the best that she can provide. It may help if you can accept what she can provide and see the positive in that...if only a very small amount. As readers stated before, she is a product of her past. Maybe a conversation with one of her siblings or cousins can provide insight into her past. It is very possible that she is treating 10 times better than her parents treated her which shows that she is learning and doing better just because of you. I hope this makes you feel better and takes away any guilt you may have.

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