Hi L.,
It is surprising to me to see your post just days after I watched a kids movie where the mother abandons her son and the son does all this great things in his life at the begining with the sole purpose to get to see at least once his mother.
I could not stop thinking about it and the fact that no matter what, deep somewhere in the heart of the children every time that the parents do something like that they feel that it was their fault (the kids) or that there is something wrong with them and the truth is that is the mother that has something wrong within her. Never the child!
I think you are doing a great job with yourself, your life, your family, and more when you did not have the example to follow, you had to do it all on your own and that is amazing!
Your mother has SERIOUS issues. It is clear since she is sooooo critial, hurtful and judgmental and I do not think that you may be able to help her for the sole reason that she may not be ready to be helped. The terrible news is that she may never be ready. And as long as she does not try to do something for helself or even recognize that she has issues there is nothing no one can do.
I am a mother and I do not think that there is nothing that will force me to live away from my kids. I know that is not the case for everybody and I know that there are circumstances but I tell you I could not live without them. I will never willingly leave them for no reason. I would do anything for them.
I also think that no matter the size, choices or anything I will still love them to death and I will still support them and even if I do dare the say something I will always try to do it in a respectful loving way.
And how can she critizes you, or what you eat or any of your choices when she was never there to teach/guide you. The kids learn and eat and behave in most part as the lived and as the people who raised them do. Soooo?
Do you think that her being so demanding or bossy would be a mechanism to make sure that there was no chance for you to ask her at some point why she left you? It could be that she is just avoiding some type of conversation that she knows that she does not have a powerful enough reasoning or excuse so her defense if the offense? (even before it could happen) Causing such much drama for non important issues is covering the real deal? For some people is much easier to run away from our actions.
The question, should I keep trying?.... ask yourself this questions....
Am I strong enough and willing to keep enduring this type of situations?
Does it do me more good or more pain to have her in my live or not to have her?
Knowing that I may not be able to make her respect me or my husband... Am I willing to keep listening to her critics?
She is not willing to comfront her issues, and she will run away anytime that something is not comfortable for her, how many times I want to keep trying?
You know it hurts A LOT to hear from your mother I do not want to see you again... (after I just got you back from a 30 year abandonment) How many times are you willing to go through that?
NO one can tell you if you should keep trying or not to have a relationship with your mother. Only you know how much pain you have inside. Only you know until what point you need that relationship. Only you know what you can take and what you can not.
But there is something I think and it looks like your mother is like a little dog that is very very hurt, animals when they are scared or hurt they attack and bite... only you know if you know how to and want to keep trying to get close.
If at some point she is willing to work on herself or maybe even go together with professional help. That would be great for both of you!
In the mean time keep up the good work! Love and protect your kids as much as you can and continue with your life with all your positive approach and the love of the people that are and have been with you.
Hope everthing goes well for you!