Death Watch at Hospital in the ICU

Sorry about your MIL.
Yes, I think you are doing the right thing leaving the children with a sitter. An ICU is not a good place for children- the hospital may not even allow them in there anyway. Then you'd be stuck in a waiting room with them and not be any help to your DH.
I'll say a prayer for your family.

Leave the kids. We went through this is my grandfather, my cousin brought her kids and they were really scared and couldn't understand what was going on. I agree with you, he should be with his mom. My husbands family is the same way as your husbands. There's nothing you can do...don't worry blah blah blah. But, my family is very close, we all go and be together for each other. I know there is nothing he can do for his mom, but just being with his family can really help ease the pain of her passing.

I went through this with my father two weeks ago. My father died at home, and I wanted to be there. In the end he died in mine and my sister's arms. My little children were there, but they were a distraction, and I was lucky to have my older niece and BIL there to take care of them while I concentrated on my father. It can be very sad and upsetting as your loved one's breathing changes, and the end approaches. Hearing is often the last sense to go, so it's good to keep talking to your loved one. I told my father what a wonderful, accomplished, and strong person he was, and that I loved him, and knew he loved me too. He was beyond response, but I'm confident he heard. My advice is for your husband to be there if he can. Usually when the breathing changes you have an hour or more to get to the bedside. Even if you are expecting the death, there is overwhelming sadness. Now is the time for your family to come together and help each other through. Best wishes.

I am so very sorry...and I will pray that God give all of you peace and comfort at this reallydifficult time.
I think you are making the right decision to leave your two young children with a babysitter while you are at the hospital. That is not the atmostphere for them...and you would be so busy keeping them happy ( and quiet!!) that you would not be able to provide support for you husband and the rest of the family.
It is too bad that your husband has not been there...but as you said, it is a family dynamic and you are not going to be able to do anything to change that. All you can do is support him emotionally and let him know that you are there for him and that you love him.
God bless all of you as you go through this really hard time.

Leave the babies at home. Hospitals are scary and the 5 yo is old enough to have that be her memory forever.

I will pray for your family. We had to do this with my Grandma. It is so hard.

Yes, you are doing the right thing by leaving your kids at home. Go with your husband and focus on your MIl and supporting your husband.

Death may be "a natural and obvious (???) end to life" but your 5 year old doesn't need to see it. He/she can be told that Grandma is very, very sick.

I will say a prayer for comfort for your family.

M. - you and your husband and family are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I pray that your MIL is comforted in her time of need.

I would definitely leave the 20 month old with a sitter, and probably the 5-yr old too (unless your child seems to really want to be there, and is mature enough to handle it).

God bless you.

I think he would feel better -later on-the sooner he goes and I also think you are right not to take the little ones. I'm sorry you are going through this-God bless.

I agree 100% with Dawn B.

Death is incredibly hard for everyone. It's possible that your husband doesn't want the last memory he has of his mother to be the one where she's hooked up to life support. There are a lot of people that simply can't handle it. It's not that he's wrong or right, it's just the way he chooses to deal with it.

Personally, I would want to be there to say one last goodbye, but that's me. If you want to go, I say go. Say your goodbyes to her. I wouldn't take the kids. It might be a natural part of life, but your kids are so young, they wouldn't really understand what's going on.

I'm sorry to hear about your MIL. It's never easy to lose someone.

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At that age the kids will be more upset to see you so sad and upset. I would totally leave them with a sitter if I could. You are in my thoughts and prayers. My family was the same way as your husbands family in thinking that there was no reason to come down since she is on life support. But everyone grieves in their own way.

Im a little torn on this, I was there to watch my mother pass, it haunts me to have to remember her taking her last breath. I wish I never had to wittness it. I think of it every day of my life. When my father pass i decided i could not go threw it again. I step back and did not see him in the hospital. BUT, In my head i still suffer that he did the same thing as my mother. I cant escape my thoughts. So If i was to do over i would not of watch my mother pass. I mind you everyone is different, NO one should judge anyone eleses choice for death. There are 6 of my siblings, I was the only one to watch my mother pass. when my father pass i was the only one that wasnt there. No one holds anything against me. I believe your love ones know how you feel and dont expect you to be at there death bed. I dont do funerals either. to sad for me! Ever one is different and on this subject no one should judge!

Of course it's your place to urge your husband to go to his mother's deathbed. You're his WIFE. I wouldn't wait until her condition worsens, as by that point you may not have enough time to get there and then your husband will end up regretting it and kicking himself and feeling guilty for the rest of his life. He'll end up blaming his father as well.

So I would suggest planning the trip there so far as to even checking out hotel/motel reservations and getting things packed for your family and then telling your husband that everything is ready to go. I believe he just needs a nudge from you. "Honey, everything is ready so that we can go see your mother. All you need to do is notify your boss and we can leave tomorrow." Then you officially book the reservations. You can find something inexpensive online at one of those comparison sites, especially for something during the week on off-peak days.

I personally would bring my children. Death is a very natural and obvious end to life... and I see no reason to hide from it or cause fear of it. My 5 y/o daughter has become friends - or at least an entertainer - to many of the home health clients I had when I used to be a CNA. Some have died. We went to their memorials or funerals and we have discussed death many times.

I think that the children will possibly want to say their goodbyes to Grandma too - especially if they were close.

Yes you should leave them with a sitter and go t o the hospital.

This is tough. Prayers are definitely going your way. Death and dying can be very scary for kids, so its up to your family on if you want to bring them along. Might be best for kids not to remember her that way. I'm also assuming she's not alert enough to enjoy their visit. If she was, then making a video of them sending her greetings and playing would be appropriate for her to see.

Staying out of the family's business sounds like a wise move as well. Your husband needs to be comfortable with his decisions and not feel forced into going, he might feel uncomfortable seeing his mom like this.

Best wishes!

Since your MIL is on life support and your husband can't have any last conversation with her, there's really no reason to be there unless the rest of the family needs his support. Sounds like his dad has OK'd his absence. I do not see anything wrong with that. Maybe your hubby doesn't really want to see her like that either, having his last memory of his mom being hooked up to machines. If that's the case I don't blame him. Plus if you live several hours away, have to take off work and you have 2 small children...your time might be better spent after she is gone supporting family members. Everyone has their own way of coping with death. My grandma had Alzheimers. My dad quit going to see her after a few visits when she had no clue who he was. She was violent during the visits...barely a shell of herself. THAT was more painful for him than her passing! She was in a care facility so the last few months of her life, her physical needs were taken care of by people who new how to handle her. After she died he did get a little flack about not going to visit anymore. He wasn't real healthy himself at the time and didn't attend the funeral because he was 2000 miles away. Travel was difficult. He said his mom was gone long before she actually died. Right or wrong by others' standards, he was at peace with his decision.
As far as your little ones are concerned, if you do go there, I would leave them home if you can. I don't think that is any place for little ones. They need to remember grandma up and moving.

I've just said a prayer for all of you, M.. You wouldn't be able to take the little ones into the ICU most likely so I'd leave them if they're comfortable with the sitter. You're right that this isn't really your call. Be there for your hubby. He may've already said his goodbyes but if I were you, I'd continue to gently suggest he may want to be there sometimes anyway so he doesn't have any regrets, just as you've been doing. Every family has their own way of dealing with stuff like this and you don't have much power over any of that. Your hubby will have to deal with his grief, with you as his main support, and it may not be how you would do it. God bless and strengthen you all at this painful time!

Sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers for you, your husband and his family. My God Bless you. Know that your mother in law is at peace now and he was able to be with her. Stay strong!

To help w/the decision of the children - most hospitals do not allow young ones on any floor except in the same room as mom after a new baby -- you should check w/that hospital on their policy.