Do I Go to This Funeral?

Updated on July 03, 2008
S.L. asks from Lakeside, CA
62 answers

I am so torn. My father passed away on Friday. But 2 days before that I was informed my daughter has cancer. There's some mystery surrounding all that and she's promised we will go together this week and see the doctor. On top of this, my father-in-law is having a very important and possibly lethal surgery tomorrow. If he doesn't make it through the surgery we could actually lose both our fathers in the same week. It's unfathomable but a very real possibility.

I am nervous about the idea of closing up one or more days in the daycare because my parents are so used to me being a rock and available. I'm afraid to leave my daughter not knowing what the heck to think about her. If we end up with a ton of very expensive medical bills I will need my daycare even more to stay on track.

If I go to the funeral, anything could happen to either my husbands father or my daughter. Am I wrong to just think about skipping it? I mean I know I need to pay my respects to my dad. I am so numb after this weeks events that I haven't really let all that sink in. If I go there to the funeral I will lose it emotionally and I think it might be tidal wave of emotions.

I haven't been as close to my dad as my husband has been to his. Although we do have 2 vehicles, he is planning on staying behind so that I can go to the funeral and he can help in the daycare. But if something happens to his dad he would have to take off and leave my mother by herself and she may need to end up shutting down the daycare anyway as I leave my fathers funeral to go and support my husband!

If I skip my fathers funeral will I regret it the rest of my life?

S.

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So What Happened?

Just wanted to let you all know that I went to the funeral. It was emotional, of course. I'm glad I went. My daughter went with me and she is feeling ok. We have tests on the 16th and I feel positive all will be well. My father-in-law seems to be recovering and we visited him on the way home. It was a long day. I traveled in hail, wind and rain for the 2nd week in a row. But we are here and in one piece! Thank you all for your well wishes, offers of support and very gentle urgings to do the right thing. It helped a LOT!

More Answers

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L.S.

answers from Wichita on

I sure don't have any answers for you but my heart goes out to you. No matter what you decide you will be torn, there is just no way around that. What does your husband say? And your mom? And your daughter? Will you miss the doctor's appointment if you go?
If you have other siblings who will be at your dad's funeral then I think you should stay home and let them carry this burden for you. Thats what families are for.

Please listen to this, whatever you decide to do will be the right decision for you and your family. If you go to the funeral it will be the right thing to do and if you decide to stay home and deal with all the family issues, that will be the right thing to do. I just don't see that you are having to choose between right and wrong. You're having to choose whats best for your family and either decision is okay.
God bless you as you go through this time with your family.

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A.L.

answers from St. Louis on

You need to go to your fathers Funeral. he is your father weather you all got along or not. you need to be with your family. if you don't it will hurt you and family's realtionship. your husband needs to be with his dad.

If the parents of the daycare don't understand that then they are not the right familes. Family is first.

God will always provide. if you put your trust in him.

Why not have your daughter explain to the doctor what happen and see if she change it and take her with you. and the will give you too a bonding time and be able to be together and be with your family.

Hope I don't sound harsh. Sorry! that you are going through all this.
keep us posted to what happens

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C.P.

answers from Kansas City on

Suzi,

It sounds like you have a lot of compassion for people in your life. I lost my mother when I was 21. To me funerals are for the living, not for the one who died. Only you can determine whether you need to go to your father's funeral for closure for yourself and only you can know whether there are people you need to be with at the funeral, whether for their sake, or yours.
Your husband, father-in-law, daughter, and mother, are very much alive at this point and would benefit from your support. But, I'm sure they would support you if you need to attend your father's funeral for your own sake. I can appreciate your concern for the parents who use your day care, but most will not leave you if you decide you need to attend the funeral, or go with your daughter to the doctor. It sounds like they really appreciate you and would want to support you in this trying time. Listen to your heart and trust the people who love you. I'll be praying for you.

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A.B.

answers from St. Louis on

Suzi,

My heart goes out to you as you must feel torn in so many different directions, but I feel that you should go to your dad's funeral. I think you would regret not having that closure. Who cares if you lose it emotionally? Everyone will understand. As a parent, I would expect you to go and find alternative arrangments for my children. Is there a friend or neighbor who could help at your daycare so you can go? As far as your daughter, there are probably a lot of unknowns right now. Just wait until she goes back to the doctor. She would probably feel terrible if she knew you did not go to your dad's funeral because of her. Your father-in-law would probably feel the same way.
Many thoughts for you and your family.
A.

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J.B.

answers from Kansas City on

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and the other scary things going on in your life. I will think of your family in my prayers.

I think it's a personal decision, no right or wrong answer. If it were me, I'd have to go to my dad's funeral. I'm very close to my father and I would personally need that time to accept and to mourn.

The parents will understand if you shut down for a funeral and there's plenty of time to make more money if you have upcoming bills.

Search your heart for what is right (think long term) for you and know that there's no 100% perfect answer to this as it's a really tough situation.

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A.S.

answers from St. Louis on

Hi,
I have no suggestions but I did want to offer my sympathy. That's not just a hard choice--those are hard things to deal with individually. I am so sorry they are hitting you, and all at once.
You are in my prayers.
A.

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M.L.

answers from St. Louis on

I am so sorry for your loss and trials in your life. Storms come to us and it is how we ride out the storm that counts. Please dont do anything you may not forgive yourself for. Attend his funeral if only for a short time. Close or not in Gods eyes we have to respect our earthly father as well as our heavenly.
do what you need to do with your daycare put on hold these are matters that are beyond your control and people who you love and need to be with. You can always make up the money and if you have a cell phone you can be contacted in the event one of the other situations turn for the worst. I will pray all deceisions you make will be according to Gods will and that he gives you the stregnth and wisdom to get through these storms. God bless and be with you.

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J.H.

answers from Wichita on

So sorry to hear of your situation. I hope you find the support you need.

I think you should go to the funeral. I know I would regret saying my final good-byes.

Best Wishes,

J. H.

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E.B.

answers from Springfield on

"I can do all things through Christ who stengthens me." Philippians 4:13. You are having to deal with an unusual amount. I have prayed for you and your family. I am a little late writing probably. But, just pray about it and do what gives you the most peace. I know personally I would do anything to get to my dad's funeral. But, that would be me. I don't know your situation. If you had to keep your children away from him then I don't know what I'd do. All I know to do is to give you some scripture. I was diagnosed with melanoma almost 4 years ago and was pregnant. This is the verse that led me through my cancer. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9. Paul had a "thorn in his flesh" and he hated dealing with this. He asked the Lord 3 times to take this suffering from him. And that is what the Lord said to him. I hope that everything works out this week. I know it will be hard. But you will get through it. And your daycare will be okay. The parents will understand. They would expect you to take off to deal with 1 family emergency.....not to mention 3! If I was one of the parents, I would rather you do that. I wouldn't want you to have to take care of my children with all this going on and being stressed to the max.

Let us know how everything turns out! If you need to talk at anytime just send me a message!

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L.K.

answers from Wichita on

Go to the viewing it is normally the night before. you can say your respects and good bye's there. Then let all of your family know what is going on. They will understand if they don't then they are selfish and inconsiderate.

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M.S.

answers from Wichita on

Oh my goodness. You are really in the thick of things!

First, I understand your need for the income and the feeling of being a rock for your daycare kids (because you are their mom, too) but you have to let the parents be parents and take care of their own when you REALLY have several situations that demand your attention and time be elsewhere. I am a nanny/mom that brings her daughter to work with me, and I have had some situations that just require me to ask the kids' mom to make other arrangements. I assume from reading your posts in the past that you are the kind of person that people will be loyal to for childcare, even if you need personal time.

I am so sorry to hear your about the cancer in you daughter. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Also, the surgery for your FIL must be scary to think about. In my mind, if you are at your dad's funeral for two hours, your presence there will not be able to change the situation, but missing your dad's funeral is something you will never be able to change. I think you might think about attending.

Take care of your family.

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D.L.

answers from St. Louis on

Suzi, that is a lot! I suggest you get on your knees and pray earnestly for strength, comfort and time to manage all your future events. It sounds like you are a major support for many people and that is a huge responsibility to manange, but you are only one person and only God himself is omnipresent so do not burden yourself with thoughts that you cannot control. You are adding additional emotional stress on yourself. Everything will fall as it should, but make an attempt to go pay your respect since that is an ending and you can't do that "tomorrow" and let all the other events fall as they may. Good luck and may God's grace find and guide you in this trying time.

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R.W.

answers from Wichita on

I'm so sorry for all your life challenges at this stage in your life. As I read through your message I was trying to think about what I would prioritize in terms of what I can I do/not do again in the future.

Absolutely, I would go to the funeral. This is a one time deal and funerals are for the survivors. Even if you haven't been close to your father, you can put closure to the end of that relationship.

In terms of your daycare--sometimes we grant such incredibly high expectations of ourselves at our jobs that we forget to take care of our own personal needs. I'm sure, that if you explained your situation to your clients, they would fully understand why you need to close. You are very nice to try and find solutions to keep things running for them, but at this point you need to take care of your family. Figure out what dates you need to be gone and let them know ASAP so that they can find alternative arrangements. (my child care giver's mother died and I had to find alternative care for two weeks--not easy, but we survived!)

My prayers are with you as you begin to face all of these challenges.

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J.K.

answers from St. Louis on

Suzi,
I was almost crying myself by the end of what you wrote. I said a prayer for you and your family.
Please take the time to go to the funeral. It is important to say goodbye.

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K.O.

answers from Wichita on

Suzi,
Wow, you have had quite a week! My heart breaks for you. I'd advise going to the funeral to pay your respects and final good-byes. If an emergency arises with your father-in-law, you can always leave and go support your husband. Your daughter is likely to be fine for a day or two. Cancer rarely kills someone so quickly; it usually takes months to years. Check with your daughter's doctor for advice. Do not worry about the daycare. Closing it for a few days will not hurt your business; families are likely to be supportive considering the situation. Hang in there and know that we mothers are thinking of you. Take care and God bless. Kati

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M.

answers from Wichita on

Hi Suzi,

I am sorry to hear about your loss. No matter how close or not you were to your father when he was living, now is the opportunity for you to try and make amends. Forgiveness is such a blessing. For whatever reason you are trying to avoid going to the funeral, I urge you to reconsider. You can always make up the money, but you can never make up the time. So close the daycare, and go see your Dad.

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J.W.

answers from Kansas City on

I think you may regret it if you don't go. I also run a daycare and last summer my husbands grandfather day (he did live locally so I didn't have to travel to the funeral) but all of my daycare parents were OK with me taking the unexpected time off for going to the funeral. They understand that things like that happen and I am sure that you wouldn't lose them over it. Sorry for you loss and wishing the best outcomes for your other situations. J.

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J.D.

answers from St. Joseph on

I know you have tons going on right now, but If I were you I wouldn't miss your father's funeral for anything...

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T.M.

answers from Wichita on

First let me say how sorry I am that you are having to face ALL of this turmoil right now. But YES, I believe that you will regret it some day (if not sooner) if you do not attend your Dad's funeral. Simple - he is your Dad. Take this one day at a time. The funeral is one day - you have your husband to help you with the daycare, and he has your mom if he needs to leave suddenly. Your parents WILL UNDERSTAND. I've been called from work and had to pick up my children before because of emergencies. It happens and please believe me that parents will understand - they may even be able to work out among themselves babysitting arrangements for several days - helping each other out watching the kids themselves. You have to take care of your family and yourself first. The rest will take care of itself.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your daughter - one day at a time - you will get through this.

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E.M.

answers from Kansas City on

I would definantly go to the funeral. Your daycare parents should understand your situation. I also have a home daycare and the best parents I could ask for. Do you have a neighbor who could help out? If you give your daycare people some notice surely they could find a back up sitter. If you belong to a network of childcare providers maybe some of them could help you out. I feel for your situation and wish the best outcome for everyone.

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J.H.

answers from St. Louis on

I think your just overwhelmed and trying to come up with a way to avoid the funeral. ( which is completely understandable). I think you should go. If you don't you'll be mad at yourself forever. You need to go and say goodbye for you so that you can get through and not add emotional baggage to yourself.It is going to be hard, and you will loose it emotionally but it's part of it. Just prepare yourself to be a total train wreck and you'll make it through. I'm sorry for your loss.

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A.K.

answers from Wichita on

Please accept my deepest condolences on your father's death.

I think if I were in your position, I would go. This is something that you need for closure. Your daycare parents will understand. Most of them wouldn't have a second thought about taking off work to go to a parent's funeral and shouldn't think anything of you doing so.

I know that the news about your daughter is scary and I hope that she will be cured from her cancer. I think though that if she were in a position where she were ill enough to need you to stay there, she would tell you.

Anything that will happen with your husband's father will happen with our without you there. I understand you wish to be there for your husband but I'm sure that they both will understand if you go to the funeral.

I hope your daughter & father-in-law both get well.

If it were me, I would go.

A.

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A.W.

answers from St. Louis on

Suzi,
I would definitely go to the funeral. I do think you would regret not going. There is nothing you can do for your father-in-law while he is in surgery except to pray for him. Your husband would understand. Funerals are important to the family unit, the larger family unit. My dad died several years ago, all of my siblings made it but my sister-in-law stayed home (she could have come). It has been awkward with her since. It feels like he has pulled away from the family. It also sounds like your daughter could go with you. It may be just what she needs -- something to take her mind off the cancer as long as she doesn't put off treatment for the long term. Good luck.

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C.F.

answers from Topeka on

Suzi:

I would go to your dad's funeral. That way you can put closure to it, and yes, if you didn't go to the funeral, you would probably regret it. C. [email protected]____.com

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J.H.

answers from Kansas City on

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You need closure. This is VERY important to your conscience and could affect you later. This is something you do NOT want to regret. It only takes 1 day out of life. Your daughter will understand and be ok. Shouldn't she be there with you, too? Anyway, the daycare will understand as well. They will still look at you as you are their rock. Even rocks need to take a break once in a while.

Please don't make a decision you will regret for the rest of your life.

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A.B.

answers from Fayetteville on

First of all, God bless you! That is a lot to take on, especially within a small timeframe. I will most definately be keeping you in my prayers.
I would say to take it one thing at a time. Take the time to grieve for your father, no matter how little. I don't know how old your daughter is (or your faith), but try to explain that having faith will get you through. Definately get to the doctor, of course!But a few days probably will not make huge difference. Trust that The Lord will take care of you-all of you. Then, get to your husband's father. You have to close one chapter before you can FULLY go onto another. Trust that God will give you time. As far as help at the daycare, ask for help. Think of some people you trust and that your kid's parents would be comfortable with, ask them for help. Talk to your kids' parents and inform them. Have faith!

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M.T.

answers from St. Louis on

I am so sorry you are going through such a terrible ordeal! I lost my dad to cancer 1 1/2 years ago and was going through some other things I thought were horrible at the time also. SOOO hard! And then to be dealing with your father-in-law and daughter's terrible ordeals too! I remember completely losing it and wanting to shut down many times and going into a lot of very bad depression during that time. I was going to give advice, but it looks like by today you would have already made a decision, so it won't matter. I hope it all works out. I feel so sad for you! Hang in there!

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K.K.

answers from St. Louis on

I think you should go to your father's funeral. I think if you don't, you will regret it the rest of your life.

It sounds like a lot of things are happening in your life right now and it makes sense that you are overwhelmed.

But, you will be doing yourself a favor to take the time/make the time to attend the funeral. For one thing, it is part of your grieving process and healing process.

And, after my dad died suddenly, and I realized how much it meant to me for all the people to take the time to come to the visitation and/or funeral - I have a different take on it. I always go now.

With this being your father, no matter what your relationship might have been lately, you should go. For yourself.

I hope that your father-in-law's surgery goes well. I hope your daughter's cancer is treatable and she gets rid of it quickly.

God Bless you!
K.

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C.M.

answers from Kansas City on

You poor thing! No one should have to go through all of this at the same time. You should go to the funeral. You need to say good bye or you will wish you had. Even with everything that is going on at home you need this time for yourself to grieve and letting those flood gates open might actually help you to deal with all that is on your plate right now. Your daughter will be ok for a couple days while you are away and there is nothing that you can do to change the outcome of your father-in-laws surgery. If the daycare has to close for a day or two that is ok. I'm sure that your parents will understand with all that is happening. Your family comes first above all else. We will keep you and your family in our prayers.

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V.S.

answers from St. Louis on

Personally, I would at least make an appearance at the funeral. I understand that you have a lot of difficult things going on right now, but it seems like you're not comfortable skipping it and it's important for you to have closure. Perhaps you could attend the actual funeral, but not do any of the socializing afterwards. That way your husband can be with his dad and your day-care is covered the entire day.

I certainly wish you well during this difficult time. I hope everything goes well with your daughter's diagnosis and your FIL's surgery. Know that you have a support foundation here on this site.

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L.C.

answers from Kansas City on

Suzi~
We rarely regret the things we do, and often regret the things that we don't do. Go to your dad's funeral. You will end up regreting it for the rest of your life if you don't, and that is something that you don't want to put on yourself. Everything else can wait and people do understand! Put yourself in their shoes...would you understand? Without a doubt, you would. My prayers go out to your daughter, for her strength and perseverance. Please keep us updated on her journey. Much Love.
Hey, I noticed that you are local. I am in the Liberty area and would love to help in anyway that I can. Please email me if you need it. [email protected]____.com

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T.M.

answers from Kansas City on

Yes you will! I just experienced a service at our church just yesterday "focus on the big rocks of life the little rock pebbles(little things that we think are big) are not the focus! I am not very close to my father due to some reasons but I definitley would attend his funeral! It is the right thing to do!

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A.B.

answers from St. Louis on

I think that there is enough response that I don't need to give you mine, but I did want to say that I just said a prayer for you and your family. May the Lord give you peace in all of these stressful situations. God Bless.

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T.R.

answers from Joplin on

well, if i were you i would do everything i could to go...your presence with your fil isn't going to affect his outcome. as for your daughter's dx, i am more sorry than i can say. good luck and keep us posted.

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K.B.

answers from Wichita on

Dearest Suzi, I am so very sorry for all the upheaval in your life at this time. Only you can truly decide what to do. little over 31 yrs ago I was preggers with our youngest son. My MIL disappeared New Years Eve, well actually 2 days before that but FIL lost track of her on NYE. Mom's body was found 4 days later, she had committed suicide. With an overdose of 120 Valium. Getting ready for the funeral I figured out I was in labor, after shopping for cloths that fit and a coat to cover my tummy.( little stinker wasn't do until Jan 16.) He was born Jan 5. I didn't get to attend my MIL's service, and it took several yrs for closure in my case.

If I read your post correctly your mom & dad were separated/divorced? Since she will be helping to keep the daycare running for you. Do you perhaps have a couple of close friends who could step in to help as you go through this time of uncertainty? I looked to see where you lived as I would help if I was closer. We are about 3 1/2 hrs apart.

How far away is the service for your father? That could be a deciding factor also. If there is a step parent or siblings I would try and contact them to give them your sympathy and let them know everything has happened so quickly, other serious illness's coming to light, that you are stretched to the limit.

I pray our Lord will bring to you & your family peace and comfort, through this terribly difficult time Suzi.
K.

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L.L.

answers from St. Louis on

Hi Suzi, I am no body to tell you what to do, but I think you may regret it later on if you skip your father funeral. Even though your not very close, you still need that closure. Since you don't know yet what is going to happen to your father in law, let's just go with the fact that he is still alive and pray that he makes it. I would have a back up person to help run the day care for a couple days to make you open to what ever situation happens. Just inform the parents of the children that you take care of. I'm sure they will be ok with another person there given the fact that they are a good care taker. I feel really bad for you and your situation. I'll keep you in my prayers. Your mom will most likely need you to be there for her as well as her be there for you. You may be very emotional, but that is totally understandable. Go with what your gut tells you to do and pray about it. I would just hate for you to miss this oppertunity to say goodby to your dad.

Warms hugs,
L.

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J.L.

answers from Springfield on

It sounds as if there may be more to the story then what we read about your father. However, every person has a different set of priorities in there life. I for one could not fathom skipping my own dads funeral, it seems in poor taste for a number of reasons, but I am very close to my dad. Life happens, just as death happens and you have to adjust certian things to accomadate.

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A.V.

answers from Kansas City on

If the funeral is within a 3 hour drive, then yes, you should go. Unless your father was cruel and abusive to you and/or your children, it is your responsibility to show the support of his family. It may seem silly since they have already passed, but it matters. Just get there, get it done, and get home. Explain to everyone you have to get back as soon as possible and say your goodbyes. Do not elaborate on why you must go. That will only lead to more conversations and delays. If it's farther than 3 hours, send flowers and your regrets. God keep you through all these trials.

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K.B.

answers from Kansas City on

Suzi-Suzi-Suzi- What are you thinking? I am a daycare provider also, and I say you should be able to close with no guilt whatsoever! It makes me so mad when parents make us feel so bad for closing. Parents need to realize that our home daycare is not our life- it is just our work- they would take off from their job if they were in your position. Make sure if you don't already, that your day care parents have a back up person for when an emergency like this comes up. They should not give you any grief for any of these circumstances. If they do- shame on them! Good Luck and God Bless!

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L.B.

answers from St. Louis on

I would go to the funeral and try to find and extra hand or two for the daycare while your gone.

God Bless you,
L.

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P.T.

answers from Kansas City on

Suzi,

The question that I would ask is...What would your father want you to do. I know that my father would prefer me to stay and find out what is going on with my child, instead of the funeral. The other thing is that, sometimes when you see someone at their funeral, that ends up being the last way you picture them. Your father has passed away and if he knew that you loved him, that is all that matters, the funeral won't show him anything! Your daughter needs you now, and I bet your father would want that. It sounds like you are having a reallly tough time, the good thing is that there are many treatments for cancer now and so many people have been able to have their cancer removed. Keep your head up, and don't feel guilty about needing to be with your daughter.

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S.B.

answers from Wichita on

Suzi,

Please don't think of this funeral as an obligation to your father; it's really about the people left behind. This funeral is for the loved ones to have a chance to mourn, say good-bye and get some closure about the very real hole that is now in their lives. That's what I think you should be focusing on.

It sounds like you have a lot going on right now - almost an overwhelming amount! But most of your post was about OTHER people. I can't let them down; I have to be a rock, etc. While that's an admirable sentiment, this funeral is your chance to say good-bye to your father, regardless of how close you were to him.

It sounds like you have a great support system, so I say take their help and be grateful. Explain everything to your daycare clients and I think you'll be surprised how helpful and understanding they will be. If something comes up, you can take it from there.

I do feel that if you miss the funeral because you were worrying about what everyone else thought, you might very well end up regretting the fact that you didn't take this time for yourself.

Take care and God Bless,
S.

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T.H.

answers from St. Louis on

Suzi, It does not matter that you have not been close to your father in the past, but you need closure. I regret not doing things like that for my family, and I would never miss this stuff for myself anymore. The funeral is ony an hour or so. I think that you need to do it. If the emotions get the best of you, it will be okay. You need to let it out and be strong for the rest of the family situations.

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A.O.

answers from Topeka on

I don't really know what happened in your family but from experience I will tell you this! YOUR WHOLE FAMILY SHOULD BE AT THAT FUNERAL

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R.F.

answers from Kansas City on

I have been in a similar situation. My Son was diagnosed with cancer 9 years ago and I know what a state of shock you are in. To add the death of a parent is inconcieveable. You are really between a rock and a hard spot

Your daughter needs you now. Your dad has passed on and dosent need you. Advise someone that will be going to the funeral what is going on and I am sure everyone will understand that you are where you need to be. You might regret not going to your dad's funeral. You will, without a doubt, regret not being there for your daughter.

I will be praying for your and your family.

Take care.

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K.F.

answers from Springfield on

Personally, I'd not go to the funeral. You have the memories of the times you spent with your father. If he knew the circumstances of your life right now, I'm sure he'd understand.

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C.W.

answers from Kansas City on

Suzi,
I am so sorry to hear about how everything is going for you. If there is anyway to close your daycare for the day of your Dad's funeral, that would be best for everyone. I know that parents rely on you to be there but if you explained the situation, I am sure they will understand. It would be hard with a short notice. I am not for sure of your relationship between your Dad and you but you need to experiance those emotions. Going to the funeral will give you that opprotunity. If you don't have that closure then that tidal wave of grief will hit you when you least expect it and possible when you don't want it to. I have lost a lot of loved ones and I know that it is easier to pretend that everything is okay and you don't want to break down but you really need to. I hope this helps and you and your family are in my prayers.

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L.F.

answers from Kansas City on

Yes, I would take the time to go to have closure for yourself. You may not have the time you need to mourn because of everything else that is going on and I'm sure your feeling overwhelmed, I would be. Even though we don't know each other personally I will keep you in my prayers as well as prayers of healing for your daughter. I can't be apologetic for not being PC about this concern since I don't know what your background and religious preferences are but I know that my heart tells me to let you know that others do care. Try to stay hopeful and faithful as you continue on life's messy journey.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

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S.S.

answers from Kansas City on

All I can say is "God bless you and your family" You will make the right decision. Just follow your heart.
S.

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C.G.

answers from Columbia on

Suzi, you are going through a very difficult time and I will definitely be praying for you. I have not read the other responses, but my first thought is to go to the funeral. I think you will be glad you did.

You don't have to be superwoman and try to do everything, so I think you should close the daycare and I am sure your parents will understand. (In order to make sure parents stay on good terms, you may want to explain a little bit as to why you are closing it, without giving out more information than you wish).

I know a cancer diagnoses can be very scary. My husband was diagnosed 5 weeks before our wedding last summer. The scariest part is not knowing all the details yet and waiting to find out. Then, after we knew the situation, we put our minds to beating it and focused on that.

You mentioned medical bills. I briefly read another responders information on ways to get insurance and help and those all sound like really good ideas. Even with great medical insurance, we still had issues with insurance. I just wanted to tell you that when you get a bill in the mail, look it over closely and if it doesn't seem right, call about it. By doing this, we saved several hundred dollars because the bills were not always accurate. For instance, we had a $193 bill for some medication that his doctor was supposed get authorized before it was given. Since it wasn't authorized, insurance was charging us more. We ended up not having to pay for it since it wasn't our responsibility. Ok, I know this is the least of your concerns right now, but I just wanted to pass on that little piece of advice about billing because it saved us quite a bit of money.

Dealing with cancer was one of the scariest times in my life, but it can make your family stronger than before and I know God will help you get through it. Remember to ask friends and relatives for help when you need it and to try to do as many normal and fun things in your family as you can. Please let me know if I can be of any help while you are dealing with this or if you just need someone to talk to who has gone through a similar situation. Again, I will be praying for you.
C.

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M.J.

answers from St. Louis on

Suzi, my heart goes out to you and your family now and in the future for what you all are and will be going through. Like many have said and you yourself have said, you should probably attend your Dad's funeral. Some good points were brought up about your daughter and father-in-law still being alive, but that doesn't stop your worry. You need to do what will make your heart feel good now and later. Take your daughter with you if she wants.

One thing several didn't mention about getting friends and neighbors to "help out" with the daycare is liability. Just close it. You don't want to worry about something happening while you are not on watch. Unless you know qualified people to take over, just close it. Your family, (extended, too) needs you and you them.

Melanie in Swansea, IL

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C.L.

answers from Kansas City on

I know those parents may rely on you, but YOU & YOUR FAMILY NEED to come first in this situation! The parents of your daycare kids will understand I'm sure! If it was their family, I'm sure they wouldn't hesitate a second to skip work to attend to their family needs! He's your father, regardless the relationship you had with him, you should pay your respects, and not live with that regretful thought if you don't go! Unfortunately bad things like this happen all at once, and you need to lean on some others for support to get through it. Just be there for your family as much as you can right now. The daycare parents will understand, and if not, I feel sorry for them as they must not have one ounce of compassion in them! Your family comes first! I hope everything will be ok as far as your F.I.L. and daughter. Good Luck, and prayers sent your way.

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S.M.

answers from St. Louis on

Yes go to your father's funeral-If your parents donot understand this then you need tofind new parents. We only have one set of parents and when they pass on it is a time you must take to say your good-byes. I just cannot imagine any of your parents being out of sorts for this tragedy. Yes you will feel it and miss him and you simply must go. I think they will be there for you. Be truthful and explain all that is happening in your life. Bless you dear girl and know that we mothers are here for you and we do understand how hard your life is at this time.

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B.B.

answers from Kansas City on

Suzi,
First I am sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is hard, but not being there for your own child is even harder. could a compromise be that your husband go to your father's funeral to pay your respect while you stay back to run the daycare and take care of your daughter. Then if something happens to his father he doesn't have to worry about closing your business. He can just leave from you father's. It is hard to fell torn into so many different directions. I don't think you will regret not going, when you are able you can go to his resting place to say goodbye.
My grandmother passed away in March. We knew it was coming. I could not go home (to California) because I was in my third trimester. I wanted to be there with the rest of my family especially for my mom. But since I couldn't I helped in other ways by taking care of some things for my mom over the phone. Doing that made me feel close to my family and productive. It was still hard, but my grandmother knew how much I loved her, ans she understood my not being there. I don't think you dad would be upset if you weren't at his funeral. He knew you loved him and he would most likely want you to take care of his granddaughter. Suzi, if all else fails pray on it, you'll get the answer you need. God bless.

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C.V.

answers from Kansas City on

GO,You will never forgive yourself if you don't!I lost a close friend 11 years ago and eventhough I know I had no control over not being able to attend the funeral I have felt bad all these years.And I feel like I have never got closer.I won't go into all of the details but in my opinion you should go and Not feel bad no matter what happens!Not only is he your Father but you will want to be there for your Mother,etc...Sorry to hear about your loss and I will say a prayer for your daughter and father in law.

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P.H.

answers from St. Louis on

You only have one Dad....................

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L.S.

answers from Wichita on

I have never responded to an article until this one....You
Absolutely and positively NEED to go to your fathers funeral, If you do not do this, it will only cause family issues and regret further down the line. I realize you have a business to run but there are other options you can rely on; ask a friend or neighbor to run the daycare for a couple of hrs.and your worrying about medical expenses that have not yet been accrued, when and if they do accrue the hospital will work on a payment plan with you. Your worrying about alot of little things that can not be helped when you need to worry about your family and giving your father the respect that he deserves by attending his funeral. Sorry to be so harsh, but this ? would have never crossed my mind. God bless you and your family.

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S.G.

answers from St. Louis on

You should go to the funeral.

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A.W.

answers from Springfield on

My father passed away the beginning of May and I was in a similiar situation that you are in now. If you don't go, you will possibly regret it. My father and i weren't real close either. They divorced right after i was born, growing up he wasn't there for me like my stepfather was. But it happened quickly when he died, even though i finally put grudges in the past before he died, I still regret even having those against him. I live about 12 hours from my family and I went to the funeral. It is hard with all the emotional stuff but in the end, you also need the closure especially if this part hasn't sunk in yet. Needless to say, I didn't go the the cemetary, but now I wish I would have. Once things like this happen, you look back and wish you could of done the opposite of what you did. You shouldn't have to do that with something like this. We are all human and nobody is perfect. Being human you have emotions and you react the way any human would. I am sorry to hear about your daughter, I hope things look up for you guys. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

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A.H.

answers from St. Louis on

Hi Suzi,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Speaking from experiece, I rec you go to your father's funeral. My mom passed away about 12 years ago from Luekemia. There wasn't alot any of us could do for her, but I felt like paying my respects at her funeral was the least I could do for her and my family. At the time I quit school and work just to get as much time with her as possible. I have no regrets in that department. If you do not choose to go to your father's funeral, I have a strong feeling the guilt of not going, may not bother you today but over time it will. AS for your daughter, there isn't alot they can do right away. There is alot of testing before they even think about treatment. The day we found out about my mom, she was admitted into the hospital and then multiple tests were performed for a few days before treatment was decided. I suppose it depends on the illness too. you are in a situation that is more than tough. You do what you feel is right. Your heart will tell you. ASk God for his guidence. When I am in tough situations I always ask for his help. Sooner or later, it comes to me. Please don't be concerned with money right now. That is a worry that needs to be delt with later. My poor dad worked so hard during my mom's illness that he missed out on time being spent with her. Right now time is all you have. Trust me the bills will be there after everything is said and done. People put so much time and stress into financial issues. Let it go for now and concentrate on your daughter, your father and your father in law. They are more important. Remember you will be going through the greiving process for your father and possibly your fahter in law. Put the money on the back burner for now and close the day care for a few days to take care of yourself, and your family. It will still be there when you get back. Right now, the less you have to be concerned about the better. Besides people will understand. You have alot on your plate right now. At my mother's funeral, I had a friend aproch me and whisper into my ear, " God never gives you more than he can handle." I looked her straight in the eyes and said, "Yeh but He sure does like to push it doesn't He?" That was my anger talking then, but sometimes I feel it to be true non the less. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you. I hope everything works out.

A. H.

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M.N.

answers from St. Louis on

Suzi,
I have not read what others have said, but I have some advice to share.
#1: closure is important.
First the daycare parents will understand, your family is first and closing the daycare this week is a must for your emotional sanity and for your family.
{Next; from personal experience--in one year(2006-2007)my family lost, my baby sister, our paternal gramma, my dad's first nephew, and our favorite paternal great aunt. Therefore from my heart is where I speak.}
Going back to #1: closure: close the daycare,
#2: close the relationship with your dad, whether close or not, yes you will regret this. Humans love their biological parents it is a proven and misunderstood and confusing fact.
Remember you don't have to spend the whole funeral there, just go and have closure and then,
#3: Return to your daughter and husbands sides as quickly as possible.
#4: I am hoping your daughters doctors appointment does not conflict with the funeral, if it does, then schedule a private personal time with the funeral home to have that closure with your father.
#5: I will be praying for you and your family. Cancer is a very scary diagnosis, but pray for hope and strength, that is what will make your days go by better.
#6: Medical Bills: Hopefully you will not need this advice ,but just in case: File for Medicare/Medicaid and all state insurance assitance possible--the cancer specialist can assign you a Social Worker within their practice that can assist you with all insurance needs. The Cancer and Leukemia Societies will also assist you, there is no need for you and your family to suffer medical debt. I am not sure how MO handles these items (my family was in AL), but that is what the Social Worker is there for.
Feel free to contact me for any prayers, strength and/or advice any time.
God be with you and your family, M. N.

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S.V.

answers from St. Louis on

I would go hun. In that short amount of time, just pray to God nothing else goes crazy.

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